Tag Archives: Todd Akin

Nuts

by gordita

Todd Akin has a mission: to put an end to the most evil industry in the history of planet Earth–an industry in which practitioners are so immoral they perform abortions on women who are not pregnant.

Women DO regret abortion…especially when they weren’t even pregnant

“Females who are not pregnant are getting abortions????????”

“That’s right, gordita. And that’s not all.”

“Oh?”

“Abortion doctors are also giving hysterectomies to women who do not have a uterus.”

“Uh huh. And I suppose they also give nose jobs to women with no noses and face lifts to women with no faces?”

“Yes,” says Akin, “that too.”

“Mr. Akin, I think your examples of abortion-doctor fraud are fictitious. I think you have fabricated this just like you concocted the nonsense about rape victims being able to block pregnancy.”

Mea culpa on the legitimate rape comment, gordita. I learned my lesson though…yes siree bob’s your uncle, I sure did.”

I am sorry! I take it back!

“So you have changed your mind about forcing women to bear their rapist’s child?”

“No ma’am.  Even rapists’ babies deserve to be born.” (((Akin adjusts his expression and assumes a look of concern))) “Honestly, I wish I could do something to help pregnant rape victims bear their terrible, tragic burden but abortion is simply not an option.”

“What about rape victims’ freedom? Don’t you care about that?”

“Regretably, gordita, when we are talking about a baby’s life, freedom is secondary.”

“Hmm.  If freedom is secondary, Mr. Akin, I have a proposal for you ….”

“What’s that, gordita?”

“I’ll let world famous urologist, Dr. Willie Johnson, explain it.”

Dr. Johnson yucking it up at annual meeting of the American Urology Association

“Yes, thank you gordita. Science now has a solution to the problem of women being forced into pregnancy against their will. See, what you do is hook the epididymus up to the tunica vaginalis, and graft the gubernaculum onto the vas deferens and shove a stent into the cremaster muscle and voila! you have an ideal environment for bringing a transplanted embryo to gestational maturity.”

“In English, Dr. Johnson?”

“It’s Operation Rescue…literally. A new surgical procedure allows us to transplant fetuses into men’s nut sacks and keep them there until they have reached full term.”

Fetus growing inside a nut sack

Akin turns a lighter shade of pale. (((GASP))) “Will a man’s nuts stretch that far?”

“Absolutely. A man’s gonads can reach half way to the floor. Just google testicles and elephantiasis if you don’t believe me.  Mind you, men will need a mumu and a wheelbarrow as the baby grows but there is no doubt that with the Operation Rescue procedure they can do as good a job as women bringing an embryo to term.”

(((Akin’s face scrunches into a frown))) “I don’t know if men are going to go for this, gordita.”

“Which is why, if you are elected to be Missouri’s senator, the country will need your help with a bold new piece of federal legislation.”

“Oh?” says Akin quizzically.

“Yes. We need to institute a draft…for a wheelbarrow brigade.”

“A wheelbarrow brigade?”

Conscript being examined for the brigade

“Yes. To include every able-bodied man like yourself who thinks that it’s okay to force a person to bear a child against their will. We put these men’s names into a lottery and when the next rape victim or incest victim or woman with health problems comes into the abortion clinic we spin the wheel and see who’s scrotum needs to report for duty.”

Sorry, Cardinal, but only conscientious objectors who believe in a person’s right to choose will be exempt

“But, gordita, that would violate men’s freedom and besides your solution does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to solve the major underlying problem with abortion.”

“What do you mean?”

“How are we going to stop doctors from performing abortions on non-pregnant women if we cover it up by transferring the fetuses into men?”

“You know what, Mr. Akin? You’re nuts. CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS NUTS. Your party is nuts. Missouri is nuts. What you represent–which is a right-wing, woman-hating, Christo-psycho Pappy State–is nuts.”

“Oh yeah? Well, you’re just sore because you don’t have what it takes to succeed in this world.”

…because they entitle me to higher pay for equal work

“And what is that Mr. Akin? What exactly am I lacking in your insane whacked-out view of the world?”

“What do you think, gordita?”

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Sarah Meets the Other Todd

Missouri Republican Senate candidate, Todd Akin, finally got a chance to meet his hero.  Sarah Palin was recently in the “Show Me” state to campaign for various Republican candidates and, to Akin’s surprise, called up the candidate and arranged a meet up at the Super Eight Motel where Palin was staying.

Super Eight….Missouri’s finest hotel

“So how are ya?!  I’ve been looking forward to meeting ya!”

“Me too Governor…this is a real thrill.”

Akin wears his custom-made finest hairpiece for his meet and greet

“Well, why don’tcha just come on in and make yourself comfortable and let’s talk a little about the campaign!”

“Wow, this is a real honor Governor.  I can’t tell you how much I admire you and all that you’ve done for our country.  I’ve been wanting to pick your brain forever about how to take our country back.”

“There’s lots of time for that Todd…can I call you Todd?”

“Sure Governor!” gushed Akin.

“Todd….let’s lots of time for campaign talk.  Why don’t ya relax and take your shoes off.  I was just about to have my fourth glass of wine….would ya like one Todd?”

“Uh, sure Governor….uh, I don’t really drink…but as long as you’re having…uh, your fourth.  So Governor, how are we gonna take our country back?  And how can I beat Claire McCaskill?”

“Todd….why don’t ya sit next to me on my king size Super Eight bed and we can talk all kinds of campaign stuff.”

Governor Palin prepares for some “campaign talk” with Todd Akin

“Uh, sure Governor….I guess I’m just a little…”

“Todd, you’ve been on the campaign trail awhile now.  Are ya gettin’ any?!”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Are ya gettin’ any…you know what, Todd?”

“Well Governor, I’m really not sure what you mean exactly and…wow this wine sure is good.”

“…cause Todd, a man…especially a hardworking campaigning virile man such as yourself can’t think straight unless he’s gettin’ some while on the campaign trail.”

“Well I never thought about it like that Governor….jeez, this wine has really gone straight to my head….I’m even feeling a little woozy. ”

“Well Todd, why don’tcha just take that shirt of yours off and just relax.  My it’s kind of warm in here isn’t it?  Ya mind if I just slip out of this  blouse and skirt so we can talk campaign stuff comfortably?”

“I guess I don’t mind Governor….whatever makes you feel better.”

“And what makes YOU feel better Todd?  I mean, what gets you off?”

“Well Governor….I’m not sure what you mean by “gets me off”….but I enjoy all sorts of things….like singing songs with the family, prayer meetings with my neighbors, signing hymns in church, and other stuff. Is that what you mean?”

“Todd….do you like my ass?”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Have you got shit in your ears?  I asked you if you like my ass?”

“Well I guess so Governor…I’ve always felt like you had a wonderful Mary Magdalene-type body that seemed well equipped to bear many children which of course you’ve done and….”

“Let’s cut the shit Todd….I want ya to fuck me and I want ya to fuck me RIGHT NOW!!”

“But Governor….I’m a MARRIED MAN!”

“And I’M A MARRIED WOMAN TODD who’s had four glasses of white wine and is a lonely and horny as hell MILF in this fleabag hotel in this shit-hole state who wants TODD AKIN TO FUCK HER!!!!”

“I don’t know Governor. It seems like you’re acting like an unlady-like wildcat.”

“Put the fucking wine glass down Todd and get your pants off goddamn it!”

She needs it….and she needs it bad, Akin-style

“Governor…you just took the lord’s name in vain.”

“Fuck the lord Todd…and get that goddamn zipper down!”

“I’m trying Governor….it won’t seem to budge…do you have any W-D 40?”

“Here….try this baby oil.”

“Yep, that did it…OH GOVERNOR!!!”

“FUCK ME TODD ON THIS KING SIZE SUPER EIGHT BED!”

(((SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!!!!)))

“Todd…are you in me?  You have to wait until you’re erect.”

“I AM erect Governor!!! LET’S DO IT!!”

“What is that Todd…about two inches?”

“That’s about the best I can do Governor.”

“Well, it’s all I got tonight….and it’s twice as big as that other Todd….so I guess it’ll just have to do…FUCK ME!!!”

((ah hummana hummana hummana hummana!!!))

(((UHHHH UHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH!!)))

(((FUCK ME TODD….FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!))))

(((((AIEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA!!!)))))

“GOVERNOR, YOU PULLED OFF MY HAIR PIECE!!!”

((BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!))) “HEY….SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE!!!”

“Jeez Governor….you need to keep it down a little.  These Super Eight walls are a little thin.”

“Oh Todd….who can resist a manly christian man with two inches of pile-driving pleasure….NOW FUCK ME!!!!”

((((UH HUMMANA HUMMANA HUMMANA!!!)))

((BOOM BOOM!!!)) “SHUT….THE…..FUCK….UP!!!!!!!! OR I’ll CALL THE FRONT DESK!!!”

(((UHHHH UHHHH UHHHH..AAAAGGGGGGUUHHHHHHH!!!!)))

((Whew)) “That was incredible Governor.  God hath showered his goodness on us tonight.”

“That’s right Todd.  You’re a stud for God and I’m a whore for Jesus.  Now I want you to bow with me Todd across this bed and pray with me Todd…just PRAY WITH ME.”

“Dear lord….thank you for allowing Todd and me to experience your divine spirit in the form of non-gay fornication and thank you for your never-ending heavenly forgiveness for your faithful children.”

“And thank you lord for the special powers that you have bestowed upon our bodies to keep us free from cooties and other terrible nasty things. Amen.”

“Amen, Todd.”

“Oh Governor….this has been the most wonderful night of my life.  I LOVE YOU!!”

“Yea yea yea….do me a favor and get me a cigarette and close the door when ya leave.”

“But Governor….will I see you again?”

“Sure Todd….same time same place at the end of October.  But this time, come dressed in a boy scout outfit wearing boots and spurs…otherwise don’t bother knocking at all.”

…to be cont.

 

Todd Akin Loves God, his Family…and Life’s Simple Pleasures

By all calculations….he’s just a good man….and what more does one have to be?

Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for Senate from the  “Show-Me” state of Missouri wants to show YOU what a great guy he is and figures the best way to do that is to talk about his love for God, his family, shopping at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night, the Bible, child porn, and urine geysers.

“I’m a simple guy who loves simple things like going to church on Sunday followed by a big dinner with the family and then some private time with just me, my laptop, and about 50 gig of some of the best Malaysian child porn money can buy,” Akin said.

“When you say money can buy, are you suggesting that campaign funds paid for your child porn?”

“Of course not,” said Akin.  “I used private donations for all of it.”

“Well I guess uh…hmmm….  So has watching kiddie porn helped your campaign?”

“Of course. …it gives me a chance to rehearse my Mr. One-Eyed Trouser Snake hand-puppet act.”

“Pardon me?” I said somewhat taken aback…not just by the lewd “hand-puppet” comment…but also by Akin’s chiseled grinning pussy face to include a  seemingly perfect comb-over.

The perfect comb-over

Akin with his family in this Norman Rockwell painting….just before he heads off to his private quarters with a laptop full of kiddie porn

“Being a candidate for Senate can be very stressful….especially after all the controversy I’ve endured from the witch hunt liberals have launched against me.”

Akin is, of course, referring to his well publicized comments about “legitimate rape.”

“I find one of the best ways for me to unwind and just put it all behind me after a long week is a refreshing golden shower,” he added.

“Really? You find being pissed on REFRESHING?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I’ve been doing it since I was a sophomore at Liberty University when it was introduced to me by the late, great Jerry Falwell himself. Have you ever tried it….cause if you haven’t you should.  And the Bible is okay with it so I’m okay with it.”

Golden Showers Guru

“Huh? Are you saying the Bible talks about golden showers?”

“Sure….it’s in there…Deuteronomy I think….or maybe it’s Leviticus…I’m not sure….but I know it’s in there…and I know a good golden shower helps me to unwind just like it helped Jesus to unwind after a long week with a good old fashioned circle jerk with his disciples followed by a refreshing golden shower usually from Peter.”

“I must have missed that part. It’s been a long time since I picked up a Bible…but I can’t for the life of me remember reading about circle jerks and golden showers.  Are your sure this isn’t a product of your own perverse Republican mind?”

Jesus dug water sports with his disciples….but not this kind

“It’s in there,” Akin insisted.  “And only a non-believing, anti-christian like you would doubt it.”

“So you enjoy reading the Bible?….cause most people I know consider it to be a fucking piece of shit, mind numbingly boring, and generally the worst read in history.”

“I love reading my Bible and I don’t consider it boring,” insisted Akin.  “About 75 percent of my reading time is devoted to it.”

“What about the rest of your reading time?” I asked.

“Oh I enjoy reading many books….especially about people I admire.  For instance, I’m just finishing up a biography on Ed Gein who was probably one of the most misunderstood men of his time.”

Family man and good christian in the mind of Todd Aiken. “A christian man should not be judged by his deeds,” said Aiken philosophically.

“Wasn’t Ed Gein a serial killer, a cannibal, and a necrophiliac?”

“Yes but he was also a good family man and christian and he who has not sinned should cast the first stone,” said Akin taking up for Gein.

“Does your admiration for Ed Gein have anything to do with the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to him?”

“No one has ever told me that before but I appreciate it. ”

“Well, I wish you the best of luck in your campaign for U.S. Senate from Missouri.  Given your profile that you’ve described to me today I think your potential to be a great Republican leader is unlimited.”

“Thank you and may God bless you.”

Todd Akin Takes One For the Team

by gordita

The Volunteer

In an act of unparalleled self-sacrifice, Todd Akin agreed to be the fall guy in a nationwide Republican campaign to make prominent misogynistic asswipes look like relatively fine fellows.

“We knew it was going to be a hard sell to American women if we just came out and said, Republicans want to do good things for you, so we decided to get creative,” said Republican strategist Shay Nemon.

“So…to make other Republicans look reasonable you came up with a looney script for Akin where he says women have some internal equipment that blocks hostile sperm.”

“Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a blocking mechanism. It could be that when a woman is legitimately raped, her glands release a toxin that makes all those little polywogs go splat. Or maybe all her insides start violently shaking and knock the sperm out.”

“Or maybe, there is a rape sperm detector that turns on an automatic sprinkler system.”

“The possibilities are endless, gordita.”

“I’m curious, Mr. Nemon, how did you come up with Mr. Akin’s script?”

“Well….”

“Don’t be shy. I’m sure you had some other good ideas.”

“Well, we did have a lot of ideas–outrageous and offensive ideas–but they weren’t implausible enough. We needed something that sounded freakishly otherworldly–you know like throwing a woman into a river to see if she is a witch.”

If she floats to the surface, it wasn’t really rape

“So the bottom line is that the Republicans had Akin spout a bunch of cuckoo for cocoa puffs craziness to make women feel relieved that their rights are only being threatened by regular, run-of-the-mill Republican extremists like Romney and Ryan?”

“Yeah, that about sums it up.”

I’m not the most dangerous man in America anymore!

Todd Akin is an affront to American womanhood

Trust me. I’m not Todd Akin.

“Geez, Mr. Nemon.  It looks like Todd Akin is going to lose the election as a result of this gambit. He has been tarred and feathered in the press. Women want to spit on him. How can Republicans ever begin to pay him back?”

That depends on whether Romney wins and the Republicans take the Senate…and Ruth Bader Ginsburg retires.”

“And if those things happen?”

The Big Reward

Then we’ll start our campaign to make Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy, Alito and Roberts look like regular, run-of-the-mill Supreme Court Justices.