Tag Archives: Tim Pawlenty

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”


“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”


Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”


Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”


“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”



John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”


“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.


((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”


Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”



“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin



((BLAM BLAM!!!))))


((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)



Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))



Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”



Family Values Feud !!!

Ladies and gentlemen get ready cause it’s time to play……THE FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!!!

Family Values Feud, where  one family values team does battle with another over a hot button family values issue!

Now here’s your host……POPE BENEDICT XVI !!!!

Pope "Ben" Benedict



“Are you ready to play  Family Values Feud!?!?!?!?!?!”


“…THEN LET’S GO !!!  On my right, say hello to Team Bachmann Family Values made up of Republican Presidential candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich…”


“….and on my left, it’s the Team Pawlenty Family Values with Republican Presidential candidates, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney !!!”

((Clap clap clap clap))!! ((yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa))!

“Are we ready? !  Then LET’S GO !!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, our category tonight is PRO LIFE !!!  Which team is most Pro-Life?  We have a series of question for each team from tonight’s Pro-Life category.  By the end of the show we’ll know who’s most Pro-Life and, thus, who is the most American.”

“Let’s start with Team Pawlenty….Team Pawlenty, who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Claims he was Pro-Life before Pro-Life was Pro-Life

Pawlenty:  “Uhh, well, I was Pro Life before Pro Life became cool.”

Perry:  “I love life…course, I also love death given that I’m responsible for more executions in my state than all others combined…and to do that you have to love it.  But I think I love life a little bit more than I love death.  Especially when an election is coming up.”

Rick Perry is Pro Life a wee bit more than he is Pro Death

Romney:  “I’m absolutely, without question Pro Life…at least I think I am.  Of course you may have evidence that suggests otherwise….but let me just tell you that I was for life before I was against life.”

Pope Ben:  “Okay….now the same questions goes to Team Bachmann!  Team Bachmann…Who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Santorum:  “I’m so Pro Life that I’ve refrained from any sort of sex in order to not waste my jism and thus kill life.  Of course, my wife has also refused to have any sort of sex with me for the last 25 years which has made such refraining more sustainable.”

Rick Santorum decks out for Family Values Feud

Gingrich: “I’ve left two wives to have affairs and I’m probably going to leave my current wife as soon as I can find someone who’s crazy enough to have an affair with me…so yes, I’m pro wife.”

Gingrich is more Pro Wives than he is Pro Life...but only by a nose

Pope Ben:  “Mr. Gingrich, I said “PRO LIFE.”

Gingrich:  “Ahh, well I’m that too.”

Bachmann:  “Well, I was Pro Life before I was even alive and my mother was just as Pro Life and chose life for me despite the fact that I was born a serious mental retard which has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”

Pope Ben: “ladies and gentlemen, the 1st round goes to….TEAM BACHMANN!”

“Okay, Team Bachmann leads as we head into round 2.  Our next Pro Life question is this:  Do you jerk off…and if so, what do you do afterwards?”

“Team Bachmann….you’re first.”

Gingrich:  “I only jerk off between wives…and even then I only did it in such a way as to not hurt anyone….especially the great people of America because I’ve always thought I put America first ahead of jerking off which is why I believe I’m most qualified to be President of this great country of ours.  And even when I did jerk off, I would always pray immediately after.”

Bachmann:  “What’s jerking off?”

Santorum: “Yes, I currently jerk off at least nine times a day, sometimes more, in my effort to bring life into this world and, of course, I always try to save my jizz so as not to destroy life.  There have been times, however, when my semen inadvertently gets away from me and gets stuck between the pages of the Playgirl…err, I mean the Playboy I just happen to be reading at the time.”

Pope Ben:  and Team Pawlenty?”

Perry:  “I jerk of as much as I want because it’s my right as an American and they can take away my jerking off when they pry my pecker from the grips of my cold dead fingers….especially those on my left hand.”

Pawlenty: “I believe jerking off is a sin in the eyes of God….therefore, I refrain from such pleasurable activity no matter how many times a day my mind wanders to the images of being surrounded by naked,  young choir boys between the ages of 10 through 13.”

Romney:  Of course everyone knows I was for jerking off before I was against it and now I’m either for it or against it depending on how the most extreme elements of the Republican party feel at the moment about jerking off…”

Pope Ben: ” And round 2 goes to……..Team Pawlenty!!!”

“Well, we have a tie folks but our final round will determined the winner.  At each of your booths you’ll find copies of Hustler or Playgirl opened to the most explicit pages.  Now then, your reaction to those explicit pages will be measured by my assistant, Vanna, and that measurement will determine how Pro Life you are.  The group with the most positive measurements wins today’s Family Values Feud.  So….HERE WE GO!  Vanna, please take the measurements.”

Vanna:  “We’re on the Team Bachmann side and it looks like Santorum with Hustler magazine has a 4″ boner which means he RESPECTS LIFE!”


…”however, Gingrich with Hustler magazine shows no measurement…in fact, I’m not able to detect any sign of a penis….so, HE DOES NOT RESPECT LIFE!!”


“and finally, Bachmann with Playgirl shows a dramatic increase in heart rate and salivation which means she DEFENDS ALL LIFE!!”


Pope Ben: “And Team Pawlenty?”

Vanna: “Well, both Perry and Pawlenty have serious erections with Playgirl…though it looks like Perry’s erection is bigger…which means neither of them respects life as much as Team Bachmann.”


“On the other hand, Romney with Hustler shows indications that he would rather wait to have an erection until he’s able to poll whether extremist Republicans approve or disapprove of erections….suggesting he is Pro Life….or then again, maybe not.”


Pope Ben:  “Folks, we have a WINNER!!!”


…”and today’s winner of who is more Pro Life is………..TEAM BACHMANN!!!”

Pope Ben: “Join us next week as we bring you the topic of which Republican is more revolted by the image of two men having unbridled sex….on FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!”