Tag Archives: Southern Strategy

Southern Strategy Commits Suicide; Republicans Lay Body to Rest

by gordita

Today marks the one-week anniversary of the date when Southern Strategy committed suicide by jumping to his death in front of an anxious and transfixed world-wide television audience. Today conservatives came together to decide what to do with the rotting, festering, bloated, putrid corpse.

rotting, festering, bloated

…and putrid

Laura Ingraham:  The Republican Party needs to modernize and show that it is viscerally in touch with white working class men who can no longer afford burials.  What better way to hook up with that demographic than to cremate  Southern Strategy?”

Burn baby, burn

Pat Robertson: “Cremation certainly isn’t biblical. In the Old Testament, none of the biblical patriarchs – Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, or David – were cremated. I think we should bury Southern Strategy in a nice little rock tomb (and hope and pray that it will be raptured like the rest of us good Christians).”

Karl Rove: “Wait! Do you feel what I feel? That’s a pulse! Praise Jesus! Southern Strategy is risen!”

Megyn Kelly: “Are you sure you’re not using a Republican method of pulse-checking that you use to make yourself feel better?”

Oops. Pretend I didn’t just say that.

Bill Kristol: “F*ck you Rove. We will never win another election until we Republicans stop living in a fantasy land. Southern Strategy is all smashed up. He is turning green and starting to ooze. It’s time to dispose of the corpse and find a new best friend.”

John Boehner: “In the House, we already have a new best friend. His name is Gerry.”

Michele Bachmann: Hahahahahahahaha!

George Will: “People, we have at least another year to talk about our new BFF. Right now we have a massive pile of stink that we need to dispose of. We have one person voting for cremation, another voting for burial in a rock tomb. Any other suggestions?”

Paul Broun: “I dunno. Being a science guy who believes the earth is 9000 years old, I think I’d like to see a donation of Southern Strategy’s remains to my old medical school (where I did not learn a single f*cking thing).”

Or we could give the remains to my taxidermist

Paul Ryan: “Donation? What are you? Some kind of commie?”

Donald Trump: “Yeah, f*ck donating. We can take the remains through probate and sell them.”

Ann Coulter: “Damn!  Think what the Bodies Exhibition would pay for a Caucasian!”

Bill Kristol: “Gentlemen, Southern Strategy has been the salvation of the Republican Party for over 40 years.  You’re all Christian and I am a shameless panderer to Christians I loathe and despise. So I say we should do what you people have historically done when your savior dies.

Mike Huckabee: “You mean, EAT Southern Strategy?  All of us together?  Including Catholics and (gulp) Jews?”

George Will: “F*ck that. It would look like we were all eating crow.”

A man who has not and never will eat crow…or, to the deep chagrin of the ladies, something else

Sarah Palin: “Aww, come on everybody! There isn’t a person here who wants to get rid of Southern Strategy. I vote we prop the old poopyhead up the in a chair and carry on as usual.”

Clint Eastwood: “Hmmm. You’re thinking about something along the lines of Psycho where Norman Bates is so attached to his evil dead mother he puts her in a rocking chair, and assumes her identity?”

Sarah Palin: “I’m not that deep, Clint. I was thinking of something more along the lines of Weekend at Bernie’s where we all go to the Hamptons and party.”

Karl Rove: “Anybody have a pair of dark sunglasses?”