Former incredibly obnoxious and insufferably precocious child star, Shirley Temple who, in the 30’s, made some of the most putrid, fucked up films in the history of the world leading to a nationwide pall of depression throughout all of America in what is commonly known as The Great Depression as well as causing hundreds of thousands of middle-age men to simultaneously spew vomit at the mere sight of her in what is known as “The Great Hurl”, and who later became a right-wing Ambassador during the Nixon and Reagan Administrations taking her facade of child-like sickening, syrupy and demented good cheer to such fucking backwater countries as Ghana causing half the population to commit mass suicide during her reign as Ambassador, is dead at 85.
“Good riddance,” said Nakimba Mutombo, a ranking government official while Temple served there as Ambassador.
“At all of our meetings together, before we’d get down to business, she insisted on us all doing renditions of “Good Ship Lollipop” and holding hands and such while we were doing it,” said Mutombo. “We hated her fucking guts and after a few meetings like that my comrades decided they couldn’t take it any longer and started shooting themselves out in back of the building. I mean living in Ghana was a nightmare by itself without bring Shirley Temple into it. It was all I could do to stay alive myself….so I got out and now live in a primitive village in Sub-Saharan Africa where there is no electricity, not TV, no radios, no glamour magazines….and best of all, no one has ever heard of Shirley Temple.”
Informed of her death, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, who served as Temple’s ass-kissing sidekick and lackey as well as her “yessuh boss!” Uncle Tom and house negro in most of her films, said he could give a shit.
“Shirley always acted like we was the besssst of friends,” said Robinson. “But lemme tell you….she had that biiiig star on her dressing room door in that biiiiig dressing room all by herself….while me and the rest of us colored boys had to share one measly, shitty room together no bigger than a goddamn closet. Plus, the caterers always brought ol’ Shirley any goddamn thing she wanted….caviar….chocolates….all sorts of meats and cheeses…..while all us old colored fools had to eat scraps in the goddamn KITCHEN!!”
Robinson, now 127 years old himself and the oldest man in history, said he chose to live as long as he has out of spite just waiting for Temple to die.
“I done figure I had to eat shit from Shirley all those years so I’ll be goddamn if that curly-haired freak was gonna outlive me! Now I can finally go in peace,”said Robinson.
As for Ghana, its current Prime Minister said today’s date will forever be known and celebrated by its people as Shirley Temple Independence Day.
“FREE AT LAST,” Ghanaian people screamed in the streets after hearing the news…..”thank god almighty we’re FREE AT LAST!!!”