Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

Sarah Meets the Other Todd

Missouri Republican Senate candidate, Todd Akin, finally got a chance to meet his hero.  Sarah Palin was recently in the “Show Me” state to campaign for various Republican candidates and, to Akin’s surprise, called up the candidate and arranged a meet up at the Super Eight Motel where Palin was staying.

Super Eight….Missouri’s finest hotel

“So how are ya?!  I’ve been looking forward to meeting ya!”

“Me too Governor…this is a real thrill.”

Akin wears his custom-made finest hairpiece for his meet and greet

“Well, why don’tcha just come on in and make yourself comfortable and let’s talk a little about the campaign!”

“Wow, this is a real honor Governor.  I can’t tell you how much I admire you and all that you’ve done for our country.  I’ve been wanting to pick your brain forever about how to take our country back.”

“There’s lots of time for that Todd…can I call you Todd?”

“Sure Governor!” gushed Akin.

“Todd….let’s lots of time for campaign talk.  Why don’t ya relax and take your shoes off.  I was just about to have my fourth glass of wine….would ya like one Todd?”

“Uh, sure Governor….uh, I don’t really drink…but as long as you’re having…uh, your fourth.  So Governor, how are we gonna take our country back?  And how can I beat Claire McCaskill?”

“Todd….why don’t ya sit next to me on my king size Super Eight bed and we can talk all kinds of campaign stuff.”

Governor Palin prepares for some “campaign talk” with Todd Akin

“Uh, sure Governor….I guess I’m just a little…”

“Todd, you’ve been on the campaign trail awhile now.  Are ya gettin’ any?!”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Are ya gettin’ any…you know what, Todd?”

“Well Governor, I’m really not sure what you mean exactly and…wow this wine sure is good.”

“…cause Todd, a man…especially a hardworking campaigning virile man such as yourself can’t think straight unless he’s gettin’ some while on the campaign trail.”

“Well I never thought about it like that Governor….jeez, this wine has really gone straight to my head….I’m even feeling a little woozy. ”

“Well Todd, why don’tcha just take that shirt of yours off and just relax.  My it’s kind of warm in here isn’t it?  Ya mind if I just slip out of this  blouse and skirt so we can talk campaign stuff comfortably?”

“I guess I don’t mind Governor….whatever makes you feel better.”

“And what makes YOU feel better Todd?  I mean, what gets you off?”

“Well Governor….I’m not sure what you mean by “gets me off”….but I enjoy all sorts of things….like singing songs with the family, prayer meetings with my neighbors, signing hymns in church, and other stuff. Is that what you mean?”

“Todd….do you like my ass?”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Have you got shit in your ears?  I asked you if you like my ass?”

“Well I guess so Governor…I’ve always felt like you had a wonderful Mary Magdalene-type body that seemed well equipped to bear many children which of course you’ve done and….”

“Let’s cut the shit Todd….I want ya to fuck me and I want ya to fuck me RIGHT NOW!!”

“But Governor….I’m a MARRIED MAN!”

“And I’M A MARRIED WOMAN TODD who’s had four glasses of white wine and is a lonely and horny as hell MILF in this fleabag hotel in this shit-hole state who wants TODD AKIN TO FUCK HER!!!!”

“I don’t know Governor. It seems like you’re acting like an unlady-like wildcat.”

“Put the fucking wine glass down Todd and get your pants off goddamn it!”

She needs it….and she needs it bad, Akin-style

“Governor…you just took the lord’s name in vain.”

“Fuck the lord Todd…and get that goddamn zipper down!”

“I’m trying Governor….it won’t seem to budge…do you have any W-D 40?”

“Here….try this baby oil.”

“Yep, that did it…OH GOVERNOR!!!”

“FUCK ME TODD ON THIS KING SIZE SUPER EIGHT BED!”

(((SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!!!!)))

“Todd…are you in me?  You have to wait until you’re erect.”

“I AM erect Governor!!! LET’S DO IT!!”

“What is that Todd…about two inches?”

“That’s about the best I can do Governor.”

“Well, it’s all I got tonight….and it’s twice as big as that other Todd….so I guess it’ll just have to do…FUCK ME!!!”

((ah hummana hummana hummana hummana!!!))

(((UHHHH UHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH!!)))

(((FUCK ME TODD….FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!))))

(((((AIEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA!!!)))))

“GOVERNOR, YOU PULLED OFF MY HAIR PIECE!!!”

((BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!))) “HEY….SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE!!!”

“Jeez Governor….you need to keep it down a little.  These Super Eight walls are a little thin.”

“Oh Todd….who can resist a manly christian man with two inches of pile-driving pleasure….NOW FUCK ME!!!!”

((((UH HUMMANA HUMMANA HUMMANA!!!)))

((BOOM BOOM!!!)) “SHUT….THE…..FUCK….UP!!!!!!!! OR I’ll CALL THE FRONT DESK!!!”

(((UHHHH UHHHH UHHHH..AAAAGGGGGGUUHHHHHHH!!!!)))

((Whew)) “That was incredible Governor.  God hath showered his goodness on us tonight.”

“That’s right Todd.  You’re a stud for God and I’m a whore for Jesus.  Now I want you to bow with me Todd across this bed and pray with me Todd…just PRAY WITH ME.”

“Dear lord….thank you for allowing Todd and me to experience your divine spirit in the form of non-gay fornication and thank you for your never-ending heavenly forgiveness for your faithful children.”

“And thank you lord for the special powers that you have bestowed upon our bodies to keep us free from cooties and other terrible nasty things. Amen.”

“Amen, Todd.”

“Oh Governor….this has been the most wonderful night of my life.  I LOVE YOU!!”

“Yea yea yea….do me a favor and get me a cigarette and close the door when ya leave.”

“But Governor….will I see you again?”

“Sure Todd….same time same place at the end of October.  But this time, come dressed in a boy scout outfit wearing boots and spurs…otherwise don’t bother knocking at all.”

…to be cont.

 

Palin Misses Dose of Anti-Aging Potion, Sends Meghan McCain Running for Her Life

by gordita

Yellow jacket toxin. Cobra venom dripping from the fang. Crushed shark cartilage. Bullfrog skin extract. Camel colostrum secretion. Sterile snail slime.  And most powerful of all, DINGO drool. These are the elixirs that Sarah Palin has swallowed and slathered onto her body in order to retain the fresh glow of youth.

Then something went wrong…terribly wrong.

.I need some more of that DINGO juice RIGHT NOW

“What went wrong?” asked gordita.

“Delta lost her bags, including the one with the potions in it.  On a flight to…of all places…New York City,” explains Palin’s long-time personal assistant Beau Tocks.  “If she had been en route to Hoboken, Georgia or Burning Cross, South Carolina, she might have been all right. But New York City put us in a crisis situation.”

DELUDED INFANTILE NINCOMPOOPS GETTING OFF at Palin rally in Hoboken, GA

“I’m not sure I follow.  What exactly is the crisis?”

See for yourself

“When a hateful, mean-spirited woman loses her bloom, she goes fugly in a hurry,” explained Mr. Tocks.  “For example, here is Maggie Gallagher advocating death to homosexuals:”

Marriage is between one man and one grotesque woman

“Here is Karen Handel advocating cancer for poor women:”

Miss Hoboken 1979

“Here is Ann Coulter arguing that black Democrats should not be allowed to vote:”

And here is former Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris who used the power of her office to make sure black Democrats didn’t vote.

“As you can see,” said Mr. Tocks, “all that bile builds up in their pores.  Even when they are airbrushed, they look ghoulish…maniacal even.”

“Yes I see all that but what is the big crisis you’re so worried about?” asked gordita.

“Delta found the bag with Sarah Palin’s Magic Mirror. She’s about to ask the big question.”

“The big question?”

“Yeah…you know…Mirror Mirror on the Wall….”

“Uh oh.”

“It’s about to get really, really, really ugly, my friend.”

Seriously? I’M the fairest one of all?

We Have Met the Enemy….and She is Us

Bachmann 2012

Michele is genuinely one of the most
Intriguing people of this
Century who
Has the capacity to bring joy to
Everyone in this
Little old world of ours through
Everything that she does and from the rays of

Light that she shines
Into the night which is the
Key to
Everything she does.  And ever

Since she
Arrived on the national scene she has
Risen to unprecedented heights and she has been
A beacon of light for the
Hopeful who want so bad to be

Inspired by someone other that than the
Socialist we currently have as President because Michele is

A proud member of the land of the

Free and the home of the brave, one nation
Under god and has within her the
Character to use the
Key of righteousness to unlock the door of freedom that is
Inherent in all Americans who want
Nothing but
Glory to God in the highest and

Redemption for
Everyone who stands
Tall in
All that they do because Michele and the
Republican party shall be our
Destiny

…but, of course, none of the aforementioned could possibly be true  because…

_______ ____ _____ __ _ _______ ______ (fill in blanks with first letter of each line above).

Sarah Palin Goes to Dinner

by gordita, SPB correspondent on nitwits, nutjobs and outright lunatics

Joan leading whoever...against whoever...at the Battle of...Whatever

Everybody has heard the question, “If you could sit down to dinner with one person from history who would it be?”  When Sarah Palin was asked the question several years ago by the Editor of Southpaw Beagle, she said, “Oh!  You know that girl who lived a long time ago, who dressed like a boy in armor and rode on a white horse and stuff?”  “Joan of Arc?” asked the Editor.  “That’s the one!” exclaimed Sarah and so started the repast that turned Sarah into the enterprising champion for conservatism we know and love…or hate…or love to hate.

The dinner started out awkwardly as it  became clear that the nineteen-year-old Joan had a better grasp of history than Sarah.  I (gordita) sat inconspicuously in the corner and listened.

“Ooooooooooooooh, Joanie!” squealed Palin.  “Just seeing you on that horse with all your championing of the good things you fought for.  It just makes me want to be a fighting woman…to charge forward to make a stand for freedom and all the other super-duper things this proud nation stands for.”

“Merci, Madame.  You are very kind,” said Joan.

“Well, don’t ya know, you looked so pretty with that sword in your hand.  All the men wanted to follow you while you fought that nasty French army.  I mean the bravery in your heart that you showed for all the world to see…”

“Mais non, Madame.  I did not fight against ze Français!  I fought against ze Anglais!”

“Oh Joanie, don’t get all technical on me!  The point is that you were persecuted over and over and over by the French but you got back on your horse and you never said die!”

“Mais non, Madame!  Ze Français did not persecute me!”

“None of that matters in the twenty-first century, Joanie.  What matters is that here you were this little girl and men were so in love with your spunky  can-do attitude, you didn’t have to do anything in that war against the French except show up and lead!”

“Mais non! Non! Non! Non!”

“Tell me how you did it, Joanie.  Did you wink at them?  Is that what made those ornery men want to give it their all when you led the charge?”

“Oh là là.  I cannot believe zis is really happening.”

“And I’ll bet you gave ’em kisses too, didn’t you Joanie?  That will always get a man to do what ya ask him.”

“Mais, bien sûr!  Of course I gave kisses!  Right cheek, zen left cheek, zen right cheek again.”

“Ha!  I thought so!”

“Madame, would you not like to ask me about ze battles?  Whezer I was a strategist or merely a standard bearer?  Would you like to know what it was like being railroaded and burned at ze stake?”

“YOU WERE BURNED AT THE STAKE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Oh my gosh!!!!!!   I can’t believe it!!!!  Those French liberals are monsters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am going to tear my hair out!  I am Française!  I fought against ze Anglais!!!!!!!  It was ze Anglais who lit me on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(Editor enters room)

“PSSSSST, gordita, we have a problem.  This story is going nowhere.  It has no traction.”

“I was thinking we could spin it into a story about a nitwit who constructs a narrative of self-aggrandizing female heroism and martyrdom based on a corruption of the Joan of Arc legend.”

You go, girl!

“It isn’t working,” said the Editor ruefully.

“What do you suggest?” I asked.

“Squirrel Tooth Alice.”

“Whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?!  Who is Squirrel Tooth Alice?”

“An iconic figure of the Wild Wild West who hooked her way through countless cow towns and then became a madame in a Texas bordello.  Her husband was a grifter.  All her sons grew up to be criminals.  She pimped out her daughters.  She was a self-made American woman driven by pure moxy with much more in common with most Americans than a medieval mystical French maiden.”

“Sounds intriguing,” I said.

“Let me see if I can get her here.”

(((Editor picks up the phone and dials.  RING RING)))

“Howdy, Squirrel Tooth Alice speaking.”

“Alice, this is the Editor at Southpaw Beagle.  I was wondering if you would be willing to have dinner with an ambitious Alaskan named Sarah Palin who is looking for a historical mentor.”

“Is Southpaw Beagle willing to pay?”

“Sure, Alice, send me a bill for whatever your going rate is.”

“Nuh uh.  Cash up front, in advance of all services.”

“Fine.  Can you come over right now?”

“You betcha.  Be there in a jiffy.”

And that, my dear readers, is the story behind the historic dinner that turned the little-known Sarah Palin into the multimillionaire martyr-tart superstar that she is today.  It is the honest-to-goodness truth and I am standing by it.

Finally...a story with legs

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Thanks to Claude Remains for calling to our attention The Guardian article about Palin commissioning a documentary of her life and drawing a parallel between herself and the martyred Joan of Arc.  The film title, obviously inspired by Squirrel Tooth Alice and not Joan of Arc, is Undefeated.

Sarah Palin Discovers Her Real Father: John Wayne Gacy

After years of exhaustive searching, Sarah Palin was stunned to find out her real father is John Wayne Gacy, a former businessman, part-time clown, member of the Jaycees, a serial killer, and a Democrat.

“Jesus oh Jesus oh God oh Lord oh my Lord !!! How could he?!?!?! I’ve never been so mortified in all my life!” Sarah screamed upon finding out the truth about her father being a member of this heinous political party.

Gacy at Sarah's 4th birthday party

Before his arrest and execution in 1994 for brutally killing 33 boys, Gacy was well-respected among his peers.  He served as vice-president for the Waterloo, Iowa Jaycees.  His neighbors in Norwood Park Township, where he buried most of his victims in the crawl space underneath his home,  considered him likable and affable.

John Gacy and first wife Roslyn

“Yep, John was always in the thick of everything it seems,” reflected Fred Ziffel, long time member of the Waterloo Jaycees.  “It’s pretty tragic the way things turned out.  I really believe John died the day he became a Democrat.”

Long-time Waterloo Jaycee, Fred Ziffel

Gacy gave Sarah up for adoption after divorcing his first wife whom he later killed and had for dinner.

Picture taken of John on the day Sarah was born

Sarah, whose maiden name is Gacy, has searched for years for her real father.  It wasn’t until the advent of the Internet and search engines like Google that she began to make any headway by typing in the name “Gacy.” She put two and two together while she was rummaging through a box of old trinkets one day that she discovered a small pin of a donkey with the names Carter/Mondale ’76 on it.  It was then that she knew the awful truth.

“I mean, I just don’t know what to say,” said an obviously traumatized Sarah.  “I can just tell you this….there is NO WAY I could have ever lived with a man like that.   I’m almost sorry I found out who my real father is because now I must live with this shame for the rest of my life….the shame of having a father….who’s a Democrat!”

“I guess I still love my father in some Fifth Commandment kind of way,” said Sarah.  “I just wish he had been a Republican.”

Merriam-Webster Adds the “C” Word to its 2012 Edition

The makers of Merriam-Webster Dictionary announced today that they plan to add the “C” word to its upcoming edition in order to have a category in which to define four of the biggest cunts in American history, Michele Bachman, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, and the biggest cunt of all, Sarah Palin.  It’s the first time the “C” word has ever been made an addition to a mainstream dictionary, with the exception of The Urban Dictionary which is not considered mainstream.

“Obviously it was a tough decision given the fact that the “C” word is considered by many to be the most offensive word in the English language,” said Willie B. Hardigan, Vice President of Webster’s Offensive Words Department.  “But we simply had no other word quite as vile to aptly describe these women….so we felt compelled to add it to our upcoming 2012 edition based on the sheer volume of requests we received from readers to find the right word to describe these four specific people.”

Proud "C" word 2012 Merriam-Webster entry, Bachmann, speaks before her constituents

The OTHER Michelle....but no less a cunt than the other

Hardigan says Webster’s has received more than 400 thousand requests since 2009 from its readers to add the “C” word specifically to define Michelle, Michele, Sarah, and Ann.

Ann, a "C" word of the ages reveals her natural beauty in this photo

“I’ve never seen anything like it.  The demand has been more than twice what we received when we got about 150 thousand requests to include the word ‘Dickwad’ to define George W. Bush….or the 130 thousand  solicitations to include ‘Asscrack’ to define Newt Gingrich. ”

"C" word-Sarah sets her sites on another U.S. Democratic member of the House

Thus, the official entry of the “C” word in Merriam-Webster’s 2012 edition is tentatively set to look like the following:

Cunt (pronounced /ˈkʌnt/) is a vulgarism, generally referring to the female genitalia,[1] specifically the vulva, and including the cleft of Venus. The earliest citation of this usage in the 1972 Oxford English Dictionary, c 1230, refers to the London street known as Gropecunt Lane. Scholar Germaine Greer has said that “it is one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock.   Used daily throughout North America to define right-wing pundit/commentators Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter,  Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, the only fascist member of the U.S. House of Representatives, and former Alaskan Governor and aspiring assassin, Sarah Palin.

“The demand was just too great not to add the word despite its negative connotations,” added Hardigan.  “My personal opinion is, I think people, the more they envision the four people to whom the word applies, the more they will get used to it as I have.  In fact, when I now think of this word in the context of these four women, it actually becomes quite satisfying.  This may, indeed, be the first word in Merriam-Webster history that goes from MOST offensive to LEAST objectionable when used in the proper context.”