Tag Archives: Rick Santorum

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

Medal of Freedom for Imagined Bravery Presented to Five Would Be Heroes

In a solemn ceremony in the White House Rose Garden today, President Obama awarded  the  Medal of Freedom to five great Americans who distinguished themselves through  could have acts of heroism, would have self-sacrifice, and almost loyalty to their country.

The five recipients were former Massachusetts Governor and Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, the President of Fox News, Roger Ailes, former Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum, and former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

“These five heroes have distinguished themselves with stalwart proclamations of patriotism and expressions of jingoism,” said President Obama before presenting the Medals of Freedom to the five gentlemen for what they wish had been their hope and aspiration to give their lives for their country.

Resolute, tough, and determined....a testimony to dreams of what would have been

“Governor Romney is a great American who wanted desperately to serve in Vietnam but just couldn’t make it,” said President Obama as he presented the Governor with this honor. “He distinguished himself by wanting to have been the Commander in Chief and wanting to have captured Osama Bin Laden. Tragically, he was held back by his duty to raid corporations and make hundreds of millions of dollars.”

The man of humility and honor. "Aw shucks folks"

“Rick  Santorum distinguished himself by proclaiming himself as America’s greatest patriot who would have done more than anyone if he had gotten his wish to serve in the Gulf War or any other conflict,” said President Obama of the former Senator and Republican Presidential candidate.  “But he had to serve another war…..the war being waged by liberals on Christianity right here in the U.S.”

"I wish I could die for my country," says Gingrich. "Just give me a chance."

Newt Gingrich has distinguished himself as perhaps the greatest non-Vietnam serving Vietnam veteran in America, said the President of this great, great American and former Speaker of the House.  “I should have gone over there,” Newt once said about his desire to have fought and died in the rice paddies of Cambodia.  “A number of unfortunate deferments deprived Newt from living his dream of  doing what he imagined and dreamed of doing.  And for that, Newt is a distinguished hero by anyone’s definition,” added the President.

Great doesn't come any bigger....or any greater.

“Roger Ailes distinguished himself   by being a legendary leader in his own mind of platoons and divisions in Vietnam and leading men into battle,” said the President of the  bovine and corpulent hero.  “Here’s a man who has displayed gargantuan and elephantine dreams of service to his country that surpass those of our greatest Americans.  Well done sir.”

So revered that literally tens of thousands of U.S., Iraqi, and Afghan soldiers have given their lives for this hero because of what he would have done if he could have served.

“And last but certainly not least, Vice-President Dick Cheney distinguished himself by by showing bravery and courage under the fire by sending hundreds of thousands of others into combat,” said President Obama as he presented Cheney with his Medal of Freedom. “This is a great man who dreamed of serving, wanted to serve, demanded to serve but because of a pesky deferment x 4 was unable to realize his greatest desire:  to give his life for his country.  He instead chose to do something even greater:   assure that tens of thousands of others gave up their lives for their country.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen….please give a round of applause for these five great and  distinguished American heroes.”

((APPLAUSE!!!!!!))))

“God bless you….and God Bless the United States of America.”

The Evolution of Ricky Santorum

Max Santorum was well known in these parts…..these parts being Northern Pennsylvania timber country where men were men and everyone knew his place.  Santorum was a lumberjack who was so big he reminded everyone of old Paul Bunyan himself.   He had a reputation for being so tough that if he wanted something, like a woman, he’d just take it.

Max Santorum

But there was one thing Max couldn’t have….and that was a son to carry on his legacy.   Everyone in these parts knew how much Max wanted a son.  That’s all he ever talked about.  Word had it that Max had had every floosie, tramp, and hooker within 100 square miles…but none of them could give Max what he wanted most:  a son.

That is, until one day Max was in town picking up supplies from the local sundry store.  Behind the counter was check-out girl Hortense Mueller. Hortense was a homely,  bespectacled girl well known in town as the old maid.  But Max Santorum was taken with her and was determined to make Hortense Mueller his latest conquest.   Hortense, of course, was taken with anyone who showed the slightest interest in her and within a few months the two were married.  A few months after that, Hortense was with child.

Hortense Mueller Santorum

“Well Max, looks like you’re finally gonna get that boy you want!” exclaimed an excited Doc Adams, the town obstetrician.

Doc Adams

“Is he strapping like me doc?” asked Max

“Can’t rightly tell yet Max….it’s too early.   But this here sonogram shows me at the very least he has a dick….so that’s a good sign.”

“Yep…that IS a good sign doc.”

((hahahahahahahahahahah))!!

Come fall, young Santorum was born.  But there was bad news.

“Max, I’m afraid that son you wanted is not strapping at all,” Doc Adams explained.  I’m afraid your son is a wimp, Max….an evangelical.”

“((NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)))!!!!”

Max blacked out but when he came to, he saw Hortense holding this pasty, wimp of a child in her arms.

“Max I’ve thought of some names for our son,” said Hortense excitedly.  “I like Gideon, Silas, Jedidiah, Job, or Jubal.”

“Over my dead body!,” screamed Max.  “It’s bad enough to have an evangelical, pussy of a son.  I’ll be damned if he’s gonna have a pussy, biblical name to boot!”

“Rick will be his name,” Max proclaimed.  “I’ll toughen this kid up with a tough name. Rick!”

Hortense not wanting to further infuriate her violent, lumberjack husband reluctantly agreed.   But secretly she planned to call him “Ricky” whenever possible or whenever Max wasn’t around.

The years passed and little “Ricky” grew…not into the strapping lad that Max wanted but a pasty, white, chubby, four-eyes who wore braces.  He liked playing with neighborhood girls and their dolls and Easy-Bake ovens instead of playing kick-the-can and pick-up baseball with neighborhood boys.

What Max dreaded most was coming to pass:  Rick was turning into a evangelical just as Doc Adams had said.

One day after kicking back a six pack of PBR, Max couldn’t take it anymore.  He threw together whatever shit he could fit on his back and took off for the thick timbers of  Northern Pennsylvania seemingly never to return and leaving Hortense to raise this pussy of a son all by herself.

Hortense, took it upon herself to raise her son to his predetermined evangelical destiny.  She home-schooled Ricky insuring daily heavy doses of creationism, the 10 Commandments, and the New Testament mixed with a light sprinkling of math and social studies.  There was no teachings of science….for obvious reasons.

“Mommie, why did God make the waters rise and wipe out so many innocent people?” little Ricky asked one day.

“Because they WEREN’T innocent Ricky!  Those people deserved to die because they were not true believers in the word of God.  Just like all people today who don’t believe like you and me deserve to die,” Hortense lectured her son.

“Oh,” acknowledged little Ricky.

As Ricky grew, Hortense determined to keep her pudgy son on the evangelical straight and narrow so she signed him up for the Boy Scouts.  She beamed with pride as Ricky stood before his scout leader and recited the oath of allegiance:

On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake and morally straight.

While the rest of the heathen new enlistees sneered and mouthed the scout oath, the young pudgy patriot’s eyes watered up and his voice quivered while he recited–particularly when he got to the words “morally straight.”

Morally straight boy scout, Ricky Santorum

As it were, scouting turned out to be Ricky’s refuge from the daily beatings he endured from neighborhood toughs.  He made merit badges and rank faster than everyone else taking on an authoritative role that scout leaders noticed.  He was known, behind his back, as Hitler Jr…..but Ricky didn’t care.  He took great pride in being compared with one of his idols.  On camping trips Ricky cracked the whip on slackers and miscreant scouts whom he regarded as ungodly.  He recommended belt-lines….and even castration for boys who failed to put their hands over their hearts during the pledge of allegiance or slept in late.

Ricky found his way in scouting

Meanwhile, slacker scouts, sick of Ricky’s bullshit, sneaked into his tent one evening with the intent of giving him a wedgie like he’d never had before.  Instead they did one better…they gave Ricky a gang corn-holing…not because they were gay but because they were typical sadistic boy scouts who figured a good round of butt-raping even with an asshole like Santorum was better than beating off all the time.

But what they did not count on is that Ricky liked it.  Instead of being humiliated he found the experience invigorating.  And he wanted more.  Ricky stayed with scouting into his early 20’s…. well beyond the normal age limit…just so he could return to scout camp every summer and enjoy another round of butt-raping.  After awhile Ricky discovered it was even better to “give” than to receive.

It was during these years that Ricky’s life as an evangelical really began to come together as he realized that sadism, butt-raping, authoritarianism, ass-kicking, hypocrisy, and racism were the cornerstones of his devotion to God.

Soon Ricky would go off to college where he excelled and found sanctuary among other campus God-fearing fascists.

Santorum fit right in at college

“If God disapproved of me butt-raping younger men he would have spoken to me,” reflected Ricky one evening to his dorm mate.

“It’s God’s will,” echoed his roomy approvingly.

Ricky graduated with honors and soon found himself engaged in his real calling:  politics, which he believed could be the best forum to forcibly fuck people in the name of God.

The future looks bright

So….Ricky first ran for city council and won on a platform of annihilation of homosexuals.  From there, it was on to the state Senate.  While campaigning he met a bony, skank of a woman who, like him, was a sanctimonious christian evangelical who believed that everyone who did not think exactly like her should perish in fiery hell.  It was love at first sight.  They would go on to have four pasty, emotion-challenged, blank-faced children just like themselves:  Caleb, Ezekiel, Ezra, and Hosanna.

With his family and his firm foundation of evangelicalism, Ricky seemed set for the future and would go on to win a seat in the U.S. Senate. In his victory speech, Ricky thanked God, God, and more God.  He also gave thanks to God.  And he thanked the sadistic people in his life who had taught him that forcible screwing and being forcibly screwed were important parts of being a good christian…perhaps THE most important parts.

After his speech, Ricky was getting some much-needed rest in his hotel room when he heard a knock at his door.

(((Knock Knock)))

Opening the door, Ricky saw an old man….a giant of a man whom he did not recognize,  standing before him.   The man reminded him of Paul Bunyan.

“Hello son.”

“Father?”

“Yes son….I’m Max Santorum.”

“Cast ye away father for thou hast forsaken me.”

“Hear me out son cause there’s things to be said.”

“Say what thou hast come to say and be gone!”

“Son, I always knew I wouldn’t be around for you since you were such an insufferable pussy, non-man as a kid.  So, I gave you that name…”Rick” to try and toughen you up.  Well I’ve been following your career and I can clearly see it didn’t do a bit of good.  You’re still the same fat-ass, pasty, pussy ass evangelical wimp you always were.”

“And?”

“Well I’m just here to tell you that if you ever want to run for President….you need to drop that y from your name and just become plain old Rick.”

“Oh father…I love you,” cried Rick as the two embraced for the first time in more than 30 years.

“Me too Rick…..now, GO GIT EM SON!….uh, son….is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to hug me?”

…of course, Rick would go on to become President and single-handedly transform America into what it always aspired to be…an evangelical mecca of hate, intolerance, hypocritical homophobia, and sadism that would be known the world over…..

The End

Taking a Santorum

Unknown to most earthlings, who arrogantly believe that life exists only on Earth, there are many species of humanoids scattered across the universe.  One thing that all humanoids have in common is that they all defecate.  But if humanoid culture on the planet Alfa is any guide, there are perhaps as many views of defecation as there are humanoid species.

Planet Alfa

The planet Alfa is located in our galaxy some 25 light years from our sun and the humanoids who live there–homo merdaleus–regard defecation with reverence.

“The beings on Alfa call it ‘taking a Santorum,'” said famed astro-anthropologist, Hans Omaicok.  “And it fits in with their creation myths,” added Omaicok.  “Inhabitants of Alfa believe that god shat the world and all humanoids into existence.  Consequently, they regard every shit as a sacred creation.  Santorum is of central importance to the Alfarians because he is the most perfect shit ever born.  He is worshiped on Alfa as a god.”

Alfarian worshiper pictured in a state of religious ecstasy

Alfarians take their devotion to Santorum very seriously.  Telescopic images of Alfa indicate that the inhabitants consume huge amounts of food allowing them to defecate some four times a day.

“Four times a day equates to some 1408 defecations (or Santorums) in an earth year,” said Omaicok.  “The thing is, one earth year equals 70 years on Alfa which means on average, an inhabitant of Alfa  defecates about 98560 times a year…and since they generally live about 1000 years compared to our average of around 75 years, each Alfarian defecates about 983500000 times in a their average lifetime.  It bears noting that the homo merdaleus population on Alfa is large. The planet, which is roughly the size of Uranus, is literally covered with sacred mountains of Santorum.”

...

“In our culture, by contrast,” explained Omaicok, “a Santorum is something so embarrassing that we are loathe to speak of it.  Part of this has to do with our own relatively antiseptic creation myths and our cultural taboos against mixing sex and excrement.  Part of it has to do with the fact that Santorum is a heartless, money-grubbing Christofascist closeted homophobic racist who wears pussy-assed sweater vests.”

“If I had to sum up the primary difference between our two humanoid cultures I would say this:  when THEY ‘take a Santorum’ they feel that they are participating in an activity that is godlike.  Sentient earthlings, on the other hand, regard a ‘Santorum’ as a colonic embarrassment.  In the common English vernacular we would equate ‘Santorum’ with a ‘slimy shit’…or better yet, a ‘slimy dumbshit.'”

“Bla..” People

“I don’t want to make bla.. people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money.”

At a recent campaign stop in Iowa, Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum boldly initiated a national dialogue about a topic that until now was thought to be off limits:  “bla..” people.  Listeners who initially heard Santorum’s remarks thought that the former Pennsylvania Senator had referred to “black people” but in a later interview with CNN Santorum insisted that was not the case.  “No, I have absolutely no issues with black people.  Some of my very best friends are black people.   As a matter of fact, I was over at a black friend’s  house just last week having dinner.  Well….it wasn’t really dinner….it was more like a snack.  Well, at the risk of being hypertechnical, it wasn’t actually a snack, it was more of a cup of coffee with this black friend who wasn’t really a friend per se.  Uhhh..truth be told…it was a guy I met last week at the mall who said he liked what I have to say and invited me over….and I didn’t actually GO IN to his house literally speaking….it was more like I was out on the front stoop for a couple of minutes.  I couldn’t actually go into this negro’s, err, BLACK man’s house and run the possible risk of … risk of…uh…losing valuable time on the campaign trail.”

“In any event, when you people the other day THOUGHT you heard me say BLACK people, I was talking about the growing problem of giving handouts to bla.. people.”

“Who EXACTLY, are bla.. people Senator Santorum?” I asked.

“Bla.. people are the parasites of our society….those who abuse our food stamp and welfare system, are the greatest benefactors of the failed affirmative action program,  abuse drugs and live in drug infested ghettos throughout the inner city, create most violent crime, listen to rap music, eat fried chicken and watermelon, and–when they’re not passed out on the street–drive Cadillacs.”

“Jeez Senator Santorum…it sure sounds like you’re just regurgitating the most popular and discredited white, racist stereotypes of black people.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I’m talking about bla.. people,” insisted Santorum.  “It’s bla.. people who don’t need anymore handouts, money, food stamps, privileges, preferential treatment, quota placements, or anything else,” said Santorum.  “What they need is more sanctimonious pandering from fat-ass Christian pussies like me so that they can be manipulated into thinking I give a shit about their welfare when, in fact, I’m praying for their complete annihilation,” added Santorum in a rare moment of candor.

“And most of what I’ve said also applies to that other rapidly multiplying group that shares responsibility for the downfall of America,” said Santorum.

“Who would that be?” I asked.  “Surely you don’t mean hispanics.”

Hisp.... people making trouble

“Of course not,” said Santorum.  I was referring to “hisp…. people.”

Suddenly a Fun Candidate (The Unredacted Version that the Washington Post Refused to Publish)

By 

Rick Santorum has become central because Iowa Republicans ignored an axiom that is as familiar as it is false: Democrats fall in love, and Republicans fall in line. Republicans, supposedly hierarchical, actually are — let us say the worst — human. They crave fun. Supporting Mitt Romney still seems to many like a duty, the responsible thing to do. Suddenly, supporting Santorum seems like a lark, partly because a week or so ago he could quit complaining about media neglect and start having fun, which is infectious.  Plus, Rick loves fucking other men up the ass and I can attest to that first hand because yours truly has been a recipient of Rick’s ass fucking on at least a dozen occasions and with any luck, many more in the future.
Santorum is not, however, a one-dimensional social conservative.  Nor is he a one-dimensional ass fucker.  I can tell you that Rick is just as adept at receiving as he is giving.   He was Senate floor manager of the most important domestic legislation since the 1960s, the 1996 welfare reform. This is intensely pertinent 15 years later, as the welfare state buckles beneath the weight of unsustainable entitlement programs: Welfare reform repealed a lifetime entitlement under Aid to Families with Dependent Children, a provision of the 1935 Social Security Act, and empowered states to experiment with new weaves of the safety net.White voters without college education — economically anxious and culturally conservative — were called “Reagan Democrats” when they were considered only seasonal Republicans because of Ronald Reagan. Today they are called the Republican base.  But more to the point, Rick is easily the best ass fuck I’ve ever had….even better than Mark Foley and Larry Craig.

Santorum candidly describes Larry Craig's ass as THIIIIS BIG !

Who is more apt to energize them: Santorum, who is from them, or Romney, who is desperately seeking enthusiasm? I can answer that:  Rick Santorum of course cause no one….and I mean NO ONE fucks a man’s ass as well as Santorum and I have the drilled ass to prove it.  Romney recently gave a speech with a theme worthy of a national election, contrasting a “merit-based” or “opportunity” society with Barack Obama’s promotion of an “entitlement society,” which Romney termed “a fundamental corruption of the American spirit.”  And Rick Santorum recently fucked his 251st man ass which is a milestone for anyone much less a beltway insider.  Which is probably why us guys have dubbed Rick as the “INSIDER’S insider,” if you catch my drift.  Santorum exemplifies a conservative aspiration born about the time he was born in 1958.  A mere 18 years later, as a college freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, Rick earned his stripes railing against “queers” while simultaneously taking part in as much male butt sex as humanly possibly in his all-male dormitory.  I, myself, had long left the college scene otherwise I would have been knee deep (and permanently ON my knees) with Rick and the rest of em.

Santorum as a butt-boy frosh at the U. of Pittsburgh in 1978. He railed against gays during daylight and took it up the dirt road at night

Even if Santorum is not nominated, he might galvanize a constituency that makes him a vice presidential choice. For Obama, getting to 270 electoral votes without Pennsylvania’s 20 is problematic. But so, just now, are Republican prospects of getting to 270 with their narrowing choice of candidates.  And if Rick Santorum IS nominated, he’ll be the first nominee who I can proudly say got his “in the end.”   Other the other hand, I can also proudly say that Rick got ME… “in the end.”

Paths of Righteousness

…starring:  Colonel Rick Perry, Major Mitt Romney, Captain George W. Bush, Sgt. Newt Gingrich, Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Private Eric Cantor, and featuring Lieutenant Rick Santorum as the Christian coward….

It was the worst of times….a time of war when Christian life as Americans know it was threatened at its core…when the America we love and cherish hangs in the balance.  And it is the eve of Col. Rick Perry’s greatest conquest:  The taking of the Ant Hill and the ultimate annihilation of America’s greatest enemies:  Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity….

It is a time of reckoning….

The Front

Scene I:  Col Perry visits the front which is preparing its final attack upon the Ant Hill:

“TEN HUT!!!!!!”

“At ease men.   Capt. Bush, do you have a status report on the Ant Hill?”

“Sir, yes Sir!  We currently have the last remnants of American Common Sense and Humanity pinned in.  Our men are standing by, Sir, and prepared to attack and finish them off on your orders.”

“Good…very good Capt. Bush.  Remember, if you should capture anyone, see to it that they are renditioned to Texas so they can be quickly lethally injected before any chance of intervention from the courts.”

“Yes SIR ! And if any of those captured are retards, Sir?”

“No chance of that Captain since the only retards left are on our side.

“Affirmative, Sir !!”

“You know Capt Bush….you and your  men have the opportunity to bring great honor to God, flag, and country…”

“You’re a great leader Col. Perry,” complimented Col Perry’s trusty aide, Major Mitt Romney.  “The capture of the Ant Hill will place your legacy alongside of that of Ronald Reagan.  Samuel Johnson once said, ‘patriotism is the refuge of a scoundrel.'”

“Right you are Major Romney…a saying in which we may all take great pride.”

“Sir, are you ready to meet the men who are ready to give you your greatest victory?’

Soldiers of righteousness prepare to meet their leader

“Yes Capt. Bush.  Hello there soldier.  What’s your name?”

“Sir, Sgt Gingrich, SIR !”

“Are you ready to kill Common Sense soldier?”

“SIR YES SIR !!”

“And what’s your name soldier?”

“Sir, Private Cantor Sir!”

“Cantor, are you ready to kill Humanity?”

“Sir YES SIR !  HOOAH !!”

“Very good soldier.  Men, tomorrow at first light you shall do battle with the true forces of evil…the forces that are trying to prevent your great way of life and your rights to have consistently low prices at Wal-Mart, marriage between a man and a woman, prayer and exclusive teachings of intelligent design in your children’s schools, belief in only one God….your God…the God under the banner of one heaven, and most of all…your rights to have no affordable health care!”

Col Perry takes aim at Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity

“SIR YES SIR !!! HOOAH!!!”

“And what’s your name soldier?”

“Lt. Santorum, Sir.”

“And are you ready to kill Knowledge soldier?”

“Well, I understand that Knowledge is pretty tough, Sir…that it won’t be easy to kill..”

“In America?!?!  Are you crazy soldier?!?!?! Troops what do you think about such a statement?!?!

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOOAH!!!!!!”

“But Sir….I’m just not sure Sir… if I’m ready to….”

“NOT READY!?!  Lt. you sound like a coward.  Why if you were from my state and you weren’t already an evangelical I’d have you lethally injected!”

“But Sir….I just can’t fight Knowledge.”

“Get out of my sight Santorum you pasty-white, fat-ass, pansy coward. What about you Gingrich?  Do you think you and your men can rid our republic of the last remnants of Knowledge?”

“SIR YES SIR!!”

“You there soldier….what’s your name?”

“Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Sir.”

“Corporal Bachmann, I understand you have a special set of skills and great experience at infiltrating Common Sense and Humanity and getting deep inside the scourge known as same-sex marriage.”

“SIR YES SIR! I’ve been able to outflank and deeply penetrate the insides of same-sex marriage.”

“Then Corporal Bachmann….I will expect you to penetrate same-sex marriage to its bitter end with repeated deep thrusts.”

Corp. Bachmann....master of "deep infiltration" of same-sex marriage scourge

“Sir yes Sir!  …with repeated deep, deep penetration with deep thrusts Sir, yes Sir.”

“Good luck men.   May you go forth tomorrow in victory under the banner of heaven.  Major Romney and I will be leading you in spirit from our chickenhawk headquarters.  We wish you godspeed.”

…and so it was to be:  America’s  final conquest and its greatest victory to permanently rid our great nation of  Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity was at hand.  Live long and prosper oh great Christian nation.

The last remnants of Common Sense and Knowledge are ordered to be shot by Col Perry