Tag Archives: Rand Paul

Rand Paul Kicks Nathan Deal in the Nuts

by gordita

...

Energized by what Republicans are calling an epic appearance at Howard University, 2016 Presidential hopeful Rand Paul was dismayed to hear that Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is characterizing a grass-roots protest against all-white high school proms as Democratic rabble-rousing. So dismayed was he, in fact, that he kicked the governor in the nuts.

[Re-enactment of what Senator Paul did to Governor Deal’s nuts.]

“The record is abundantly clear,” said Paul, “Democrats stand for Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes…you name it.  They are the bane of the Negro race. Long story short, Nathan Deal got his bacts fackward so I kicked him in the nuts.  Or, since there could be ladies present, maybe I should say I nicked him in the kucks. Ha ha ha ha.

“I’m a lady, Senator Paul.”

“Not according to what I’ve heard, gordita. Ha ha ha.”

“Moving right along, Senator. Do you have any examples of Democrats actually hurting blacks? I thought that was pretty much a Republican past time.”

“You mean other than the Democrats’ soft bigotry of low expectations? Sure. Take for example, this statement by a prominent Democratic governor:

And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that theres not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.

“Honestly, gordita, have you ever heard anything more racist and disgusting in your whole life? Well, have you?”

“Senator, that was a statement in 1948 by the late Strom Thurmond, a long-time Republican.”

...

“WRONG, gordita. Strom Thurmond did not become a Republican until 1964! The Democrats own him!”

“And I suppose we Democrats also own Jesse Helms, another racist Dixiecrat who became a Republican?”

...

“Damn straight, gordita.”

“So do we own all of your racist assholes?”

“You bet, gordita. Because every single one of them either used to be a Democrat or certainly would have been a Democrat if he had been around during the Jim Crow era.”

“I’m having some problems with that statement, Senator. But maybe this is a good time for you to explain what your problem is with Democrat-turned-Republican, Nathan Deal. You say you kicked him in the nuts?”

“I did. And after what I did to his manhood, people are going to be calling him Nathan Squeal. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Can you tell us why you did that?”

“Because, gordita, he’s a racist Democrat who is not giving proper credit to Republicans who are the true friends of the colored folk.”

“Deal is a racist Republican asshole who has done nothing to stop Georgia’s segregated proms. The people in Georgia who are fighting segregation are all Democrats. So it sounds like you have all your bacts fackward. Or maybe I should talk like a normal person and say facts backward.”

“Gordita, you can talk like a normal person all you want but it still does not change the fact that Jim Crow was invented by Democrats. And that’s why every black with valid picture ID who can get his lazy ass to the polls should vote Republican.”

“Senator, isn’t it a fair statement that a majority of the white racist pigs in the Democratic Party waddled into the Republican barnyard at least 20 years ago and have been as happy there as hogs in slop? Can we agree to that?”

“I’m not going to agree to that, gordita. ‘Cause if I did I would have to kick myself where I kicked Governor Squeal.  And I am not about to do that because I need cojones to talk to rooms full of black people…and because ….”

[My name is Rand Paul and I approve this message.]

The Shape of Things Now

by gordita

Cruz-ugly-dog

Paco the dog chews on foot before shape-shifting into something else

Hold onto your britches. With the help of my anonymous source, “Virgil” (whose spoke to me on condition that his true identity remain confidential), I have just uncovered the scoop of the decade: Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul, aka The Three, are not who they say they are. In fact, they are unlike anything you have ever imagined.

“They are shape-shifters,” says Virgil.

“Shape shifters! Can you explain what a shape-shifter is, exactly?”

“Well, in olden times,” explains Virgil, “people often changed shape to have sex…like when Zeus who took the form of a swan to get it on with Leda.”

“Ughhh. Are you going to tell me The Three change shape so they can get some action from unsuspecting women?”

“No, gordita. Sex isn’t the only reason for shape-shifting.”

“What are the other reasons?”

“Well…one key reason is artistic–the impulse to thematically connect a person’s identity with his true inner nature.”

“Huh?”

“Have you ever heard of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales?”

I scratch my head. If I say, no, will Virgil think I am an idiot? I wonder.

“In Tanglewood Tales,” says Virgil, “Hawthorne retells the story of Circe but in Hawthorne’s version, instead of transforming all of Odysseus’ crew into swine, Circe transforms each of the men into the animal he most resembles.”

“Interesting. So are you saying that Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are all in the process of transforming into animals that they most resemble?”

“Oh ho, gordita! You have it exactly backwards! What is happening is that The Three are animals who have transformed themselves into the Senators they most resemble!”

“Er….what animal did each of them used to be?”

“Well, Senator Cruz used to be this ….”

Rafael the cat

Rafael the cat

“… but his cat identity was not nearly pussy enough so he reinvented himself as this.”

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted “Pussy Face” Cruz

“Rafael the cat chose specifically to be Senator Ted Cruz?”

“Yep. Rafael could have been anybody, gordita. But Senator Cruz was the ideal personification of who he truly was.”

“A pussy face….”

“A real, honest to goodness pussy face. And a mean one at that. The meanest ever.”

“What about Lindsey Graham?”

“This guy?”

toad2

Mister Toad

“Lindsey Graham was Mr. Toad?!?!?!?”

“Yes, but as a toad, he was just not toady enough. So he became Senator Graham.”

“Okay, Virgil. I am getting the idea. So wait a minute…don’ tell me yet what animal Rand Paul was. Let me guess.”

“Sure.”

“Was he this?”

...

Vicious hyena

“No.”

“This maybe?”

weasel

Rabid weasel

“No.”

“How about this?”

...

“Nope.”

“What was he then?”

“Do you see Paco the dog at the top of this blog post?”

“Whoa!!! He’s hideous! As a senator, he represents the hideous Tea Party. Is that the thematic connection?

“No, gordita. Not everything is as complicated as you make it out to be. Rand Paul is simply a malevolent, mangy, wire-haired cur.”

“Hmmmm. I have one more question before we finish this interview.”

“Yes?”

“Whenever we see The Three, Kelly Ayotte always seems to be nearby. Is Kelly Ayotte a shape-shifter too?”

“Yeah, she’s a shape-shifter all right–the best there has ever been.”

“Who or what was she before she became Senator Ayotte?”

“Take a guess.”

summerseve

Joe the Plumber to Play Curly in “Three Stooges….The Movie”

Finally the perfect role for Joe the Plumber as  idiot, Curly, in the upcoming movie version of “The Three Stooges.”

The Plumber is perplexed about his role as Curly

The original Curly would be proud to know that The Plumber is carrying on his legacy

“We were looking for the dumbest fucker we could find who was famous and without question this is the first guy everyone thought of,” said casting director, Hugh E. Rection.  “And he’s already BALD!!!! Can you believe the luck?”

Casting director, Hugh E. Rection

“When we heard him go  (((woo woo woo woo woo woo!!!!!))) we knew….this is the guy.  Plus, we had one of our stunt guys clobber him over the head with a frying pan, a baseball bat, and a bunch of other stuff and all he did was whine just like Curly.  One of our guys even brained him with a hammer when he wasn’t looking and he barely flinched.  I tell you, this plumber guy must have a cast-iron head….either that, or he’s just too fucking stupid to notice when you  knock him senseless.”

The Originals

Kentucky Senate candidate and Ku Klux Klan executive, Rand Paul, has been cast to play the part of Curly’s curly-haired, and thick-headed brother, Larry.  Arizona Senator Jon Kyl will play the part of the more serious, but equally thick-headed, brother of the threesome, Moe.

Rand Paul's high hair helped earn him the role as "Larry"

Kyl will play the authoritative but equally stupid "Moe"

“Once again, we were just lucky to be able to snag a guy who already had the hair for the part,” said Rection, referring to Rand Paul playing the part of Larry. “Not to mention that these three have just taken to each other….especially Rand and Joe. When we’re not filming they’ve just been inseparable.  As a matter of fact, they’re together right now in their trailer right over there.  They’ve been in there for the better part of an hour.”

“Why is the trailer rocking?” asked Southpaw.

“I’ve no idea,” said Rection, “but that’s not the first time we’ve seen that and we really need someone to look into it.  I’ll get someone from maintenance over here right away to check it out.”

More than 300 people auditioned for the parts of Moe, Larry, and Curly for the movie version of “The Three Stooges” and according to Erection, the selection process really boiled down to one criteria only…..how well the three actors could take repeated blows to the head from objects like hammers, baseball bats, and crowbars.

“We knew Kyl, Paul, and Plumber were perfect to be on the big screen together when the three of them spent like a half hour together just  beating the living shit out of each other.  It didn’t seem to phase them.”

Rand Paul…Pot Head

Stunning news today revealed that Rand Paul was an habitual pot smoker while in college and  was involved in an abduction ring responsible for forcing unsuspecting females into taking bong hits that they otherwise would not have taken.

Ed "Burnout" Stankowitz (right)

“We called Rand ‘Bong-go boy’…that’s how much he was into bongs,” said Paul roommate, Ed “Burnout” Stankowitz.  “I smoked a lot of pot during college and I admit that.  Thanks to pot my GPA was right around 1.2…for the classes I completed.  But next to Rand I was like Mary Poppins.  I could only stand to live with him for one semester.  The fucking room was just too smoky….even for me….not to mention that Rand’s socks smelled like shit most of the time.”

Rand champions bong hits for kids

“Anyway, Rand had a reputation for abducting chicks on campus…those who were stupid or desperate enough to hang with geeks like him or me….and he’d take them back to his room and force them to take bong hits.  I had a feeling Rand would be a famous right-winger some day so I left my reel-to-reel tape recorder and a microphone going one night and was able to capture the conversation that he had with one of his bong victims.  This is what I turned over to G.Q. Magazine”:

“Come on baby….it’s just a bong full of magic grass….and if you smoke it, Rand promises it’ll make you feel groooovy.”

“But Jesus says smoking stuff from bongs is sinful and I don’t know you all that well.”

Chastity Wojohowitz, one of possibly hundreds of college students that Paul forced to take bong hits

“Jesus dug grass baby….he loved lighting up.  Just one little hit baby and the stars will shine bright for you….one little bong hit and things will be groovy and you can make the scene like me baby, I swear.”

“Oh I don’t know, Rand.”

“You see my groovy hair baby….this is what a bong hit will do for you…it’ll make you feel so far out, groovy and high that even your HAIR will stand up and dig the scene!”

“Are you sure Rand?”

“Absolutely baby…..if I’m I’m lying, I swear that I will no longer be a liberal, free-thinking, enlightened young man who digs bong hits and aspires to be a burnout and I swear I will, instead, become a magical thinking bizzaro-dude who aspires to do crazy things and lead a ridiculous movement of people who dress like Paul Revere and wear teabags taped to their heads and wants to do away with civil rights for black people, wants to fuck over Social Security, and wants to cut taxes for the rich. Deal baby?”

“Well okay Rand….I trust you…..just one little bong hit.”

"Two bongs is all I ever owned," maintains Paul. "More like 200," says Stankowitz

“Great baby…now let’s get down and git groooooovy….and then you can get down on my libertarian love muscle.”

“Ohhhhh Rand…..”

“Dig it baby….just keep on digging that scene and wrap those firm lips around that bong and suuuuuuuck and then wrap em around my long bong silver and suck like you’re doing the scene baby…groooooovy.”

“Anyhow, that’s the way it went,” said Stankowitz.  “And you can see what happened.  Because Rand lied to this unsuspecting abductee….and probably many, many more, it turned her into a bong addict…..and because Rand lied he turned into a right-wing nutjob.  Can’t you see that this is what grass and bongs does to our society,” Stankowitz went on philosophically.

Lying about bong hits being good for you has led to a transformed Rand Paul of the 21st Century

Rand's wife, Sarah Palin-Paul, has led him to a life of righteousness which includes Christian and Nazi ideology

Don’t Fence Me In

The Paul family's ugly-as-sin dog, Consuela, pictured with neighbor child, Dana Pettigrew

Republican Senate candidate from Kentucky, Rand Paul, has a plan for deterring illegal immigration along the U.S.-Mexico border. He proposes a Humanitarian Fence that is underground…and electrified.

Rand’s Humanitarian Fence will have various levels of voltage set for varying populations of people… for example:

For children and most women, Rand will have the voltage set high enough to give em a little “fear of god”..just for ((shock)) value, if you will, but nothing to cause long lasting internal injuries, etc.

For the elderly who may or may not be on their last leg, Rand will assure enough voltage is sent to help fast track them to their “maker”

For the young bucks and strong young women who are more than likely most able to put in many hard days of work, voltage is set to “kindly and gently” put them out of commission for anywhere from two months to a year…

and,

For repeat offenders, voltage will, of course, be set so that the next Rio Grande they cross will be that great big Rio Grande in the sky.

Rand Paul’s conservative colleagues have indicated confusion about how such a fence would operate.  Said Texas Republican lawmaker, John Cornyn, “Underground? What would happen? How would that work?”  People close to Rand Paul’s family and familiar with the electric fence they use to keep their ugly-as-sin dog close to home, however, have had no difficulty putting two and two together.

“You mean to tell me that the electric fence envisioned by Rand Paul will work like Rand Paul’s underground electric dog fence?” asked an incredulous Southpaw.

“You got a problem with that?” asked Rand Paul’s neighbor Dick Pettigrew.

“But with those sorts of fences, the shock is delivered to the animal through a collar,” protested Southpaw.  “The fence could not work on illegal immigrants unless the people living across the border were collared like dogs….”

“And?” said Mr. Pettigrew with a casual toss of his hand….

Shining Son

After seeing the Huffington Post article, Rand Paul To Unemployed: Take a Pay Cut, Stop Asking For Handouts, And Get Back To Work, Southpaw was inspired to write the following tribute:

Finally someone who is willing to speak the truth and who
Understands the pain Americans are going through and truly
Cares about us and who is a
Kind and gentle soul–a shining sun in a world of darkness who has

Yours and my best interests in mind and who, as our President, will
Offer all of us
Unbelievable prosperity

And hopes and dreams like
None of us have ever known and someone who, himself, has been there and
Done that and someone who, himself, has had

Years of experience and knows that
Our only option is to
Understand that the man named
Rand is for the people and by the

People and who knows that we must
Learn what to do by listening to him and
Aspiring to be like him and be
Not only the best that we can be but

Rich in mind, body,
And soul as we
Near greatness so long as we follow the
Determination of Rand Paul

…..but how we really feel can be determined by filling in the following blanks with the first letter of each line above: ____ ___ ___ ____ ____ ____…”

Republican Rand Paul supporter answering the call to get back to work

Rand Paul to Star in Eraserhead II

Kentucky Senate candidate, teabagger, and Ku Klux Klan member, Rand Paul, can add one more credit to his every-burgeoning repertoire:  actor.  Mr. Paul has agreed to star in the long-awaited sequel to David Lynch’s dark and surreal cult classic, “Eraserhead.”

Jack Nance as Henry Spencer in the original 1976 cult classic

“Eraserhead II….The Family That Lives Together, Eats Each Other Together” will be Paul’s second film as he recently starred in the remake of the box office failure, “Plan Nine From Outer Space.”  In Eraserhead II he will revive the role of Henry Spencer, who will be just as strange in the remake except that he will be a Klan member and a cannibal.

When asked by Southpaw why Paul was selected for this role, Lynch simply said, “It’s the high hair man.  We couldn’t find anyone else that looked as goofy as Paul and his hair is perfect for the role.  The fact that Paul is, in real life, a member of the Ku Klux Klan is just a coincidence.  Besides, I saw him in “Plan 9″ and I thought he did a decent job even though the movie only made about five grand.”

Paul will play family man, Henry Spencer who is also a Klan member and a cannibal in Eraserhead Part II

The original Eraserhead (1976) is set in the heart of an industrial center rife with urban decay and centers around the life of Henry (Jack Nance).  Henry discovers that his estranged girlfriend, Mary X, has given birth to a bizarrely deformed baby. He marries her and, after a tumultuous and brief time living together, Mary leaves Henry who then cares for the ill baby himself.  A bizarre sequence of events ensues, including visions of a woman in Henry’s radiator dancing and stomping on small tadpole-like creatures, a tryst with the woman across the hall, and a dream sequence in which Henry’s head is used to make pencil erasers.

“It’s the perfect role for me,” said Paul, …  “and a great family film.  And I’d be lying to you if I told you I’m doing a second film and continuing my acting career for anything other than political reasons.  If I want to have a chance to win the Senate seat in Kentucky, I really have to reach out and get not only the Klan vote–which I pretty much have already–but playing a Klan member in a film can’t hurt, but I have to get the cannibal vote too and, by extension, hopefully the inbreeding vote and, of course, the cult film lover’s vote. ”

A night out in Kentucky for Paul and some of his "crew"

“If any film is art imitating life,'” explained Lynch, “it will be Eraserhead II since it will have Henry (played by Paul) as an aspiring member of the U.S. Senate from a backwater state.  The script will have him slaving all day in a job that requires high hair before he comes home to the loving arms of his family before sitting down to dinner with them and one of them likely being the main course.  And after  dinner Henry will rush to his nightly Klan meeting.”

“That pretty much describes how I lead my life now,” said Paul, “…everything except the part about me ‘slaving’ all day in some job which is anything but the truth.  Like I said, this should be a great film for the entire family.  And remember…vote for Paul!”