Tag Archives: Pope Francis

Pope Francis Now Condemns “Dirty War”

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Pope Francis said today that he was really pissed when someone recently told him that more than 30 thousand people were tortured, “disappeared,” and murdered during Argentina’s infamous “Dirty War” between 1976 and 1983. According to the Pope, if he had just KNOWN about what was going he would probably have done something to try and stop it.

The new Pope, who was then known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio and rose to become Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was a priest during this period of state-sponsored terrorism.

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Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now The Pope, says he never knew he was “palling around with terrorists.”

“Hey, I was a pretty busy guy back then just trying to live my life,” said the Pope in an interview with us.

Living my life with Francisco Videla

Living my life with junta leader Jorge Videla

“I did see a lot more activity back then from some group that called itself, I believe, ‘The Junta’….but I didn’t think much of it. Actually, it made me feel pretty safe in the streets to see them around.  Almost daily I’d see the military grabbing some guy at a bus stop, or in the library, at soccer games….even at church and then dragging them away.  I never thought anything of it. I figured whoever it was they were grabbing must have done something wrong or were just held overnight to sleep off a good drunk.  I was just thankful they were keeping us safe, that’s all.”

“Didn’t they even haul away people you had known for years?” I asked.

“Yea a few people,” said the Pope.  “They took away one of my deacons once…a guy named Jesus I knew for 20 years.  And they grabbed my neighbor Rodolfo who I used to play pinochle with every Friday night for 15 years.”

“Did you ever see them again?”

“Now that you mention it, no I didn’t.  I always kind of wondered what might have happened to those guys. I’ll have to look them up….maybe drop em a Christmas card.”

The Pope said The Junta even asked him to help them out from time to time in their nation-wide campaign to teach non-swimmers how to swim.

This 30 March, 1976, file photo shows Argentine Ge

The Pope says he thought these guys were his friends. He says now he would like to tell them a thing or two like “you fellows should be ashamed of yourselves….but let us pray.”

“The Junta were really good guys who wanted to give swimming lessons to some of our fellow countrymen who didn’t know how to swim,” said the Pope. “So they would take these guys in plane rides over the our beautiful Rio De La Plata or even the Atlantic Ocean and they asked me to come along every now and then to help make these guys feel less nervous about being pushed out of the plane at 4000 feet.  I even helped push some of the more nervous guys and it really made me feel good to be doing my part for them.”

"Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up," said the Pope...."but WTF, who was I to question The Junta."

“Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up,” said the Pope….”but WTF, who was I to question The Junta.”

“Did that ever strike you as a rather unorthodox way to teach people to swim?”

“Well, it did strike me as little high up….I mean, the highest I had ever seen was like the eight foot diving board at my apartment complex.  But who am I to question such a group of great guys who are trying to help out their fellow man?”

“How many people did you help ‘teach’ to swim?”

“I went on maybe 10 trips and we must have pushed about 18 guys out a plane load.  So I would say I helped at least a couple hundred guys learn to swim who otherwise wouldn’t know how today.  I felt good about that and I felt like I was doing God’s work.”

“Have you spoken to any of those guys since….or even seen them?”

“Come to think of it no….but I just figured they had all moved on with their lives and were now out there teaching others.  Needless to say if I had known these guys were plunging 4000 feet to their deaths, I probably would have tried to at least talk to the pilot of the plane about it or something.  I mean, like, WTF?!   So I’m kind of pissed about the whole thing and now I just feel used quite frankly.  Those guys in The Junta always seemed pretty squared away and straight shooters to me.  If I had known maybe I would have told them to knock it off or something.”

“We were able to find one guy who somehow survived his ‘swimming lesson’– Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez–a left-wing poet and now a quadriplegic who says he doesn’t remember much about his ‘incident’ in Dec of 1978….but he says he does remember the Pope.”

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Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez says he happy the Pope is from Argentina….but thinks he’s a stupid dick for falling for The Junta’s bullshit.

“Yea sure…I remember him.  I mean I was half drugged out of my mind but I’ll never forget the Pope, who of course wasn’t a Pope then and a much younger guy, giving me a bunch of Hail Marys before pushing me out the back of that fucking plane into ice cold water.  Luckily a fishing boat happened to come along and fish me out of there…but I was pretty fucked up by then and I can tell you that I sure as shit didn’t learn how to swim.”

“So, in effect, Pope, you didn’t do shit to stop the ‘Dirty War’ and, if anything, were complicit….is that correct?”

“As my spokesman has repeatedly noted, no credible proof has ever been adduced against me.”

“I mean, didn’t the name ‘Dirty War’ even strike you as a little odd?”

“Not really…..I mean during wars soldiers get dirty and muddy and stuff.  I figured that’s how they got the name.  And as far as me not ‘doing shit,’ I was busy as hell giving mass, hearing confessions of 80-year-old women, washing the feet of poor and sick people, organizing bake sales, car washes, and other fund raisers, committing sex offenses with alter boys, and a whole lot more.  Why I bet during this war I never got more than eight hours sleep a night with all of the noise and shit that was going on outside.”

“You seem like a coward, Pope Francis…..but if that’s unfair or overly harsh I apologize.”

“That’s okay son…now, let’s do what I do best and let’s pray together because that is my answer to everything.”

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The Vatican’s Stunning Choice

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Pope Feces

The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope  instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.

‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.  

Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old  Donald O’Conner movies of the 50’s.

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“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.

Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.

“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. “The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”

“That sounds impossible.  How do you expect to do that?” I asked.

“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained.  “Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year.  Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse.  Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year.  Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”

Ration card sample

Sex abuse ration card sample

Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.

After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby “Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill”  for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.

“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov.  “Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off.   I mean, the guy’s had a long day.  But tomorrow  he’ll be ready to do the business of the  one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”