Tag Archives: Pope Benedict XVI

Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger

It didn’t take long for retired Pope Benedict to find his next career as he just signed a contract with a NYC comedy club to perform 104 shows over the next two years.

“Fuck it….I’m as happy as a two-peckered billy goat surrounded by a bunch of horny ewe,” laughed a shit-faced pope who went on a drinking binge right after signing his contract with “The Comedy Cellar” located at 117 MacDougal St. in NYC which reportedly will net him about five million dollars.

images

People line up for Rat-A-Tat-Tat’s show

Long known as the Vatican’s King of Crude Comedy, the ex-Pope, whose real name is Joseph Ratzinger, will perform as Joey Rat-a-Tat-Tat-Zinger because of his high speed delivery of one-liners.

pope-benedict

Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat clowns around in a fucked up Santa Claus hat. Underneath that hat, however, is the king of one-liners

Last night was Joe Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger’s first show at “The Comedy Cellar” before a packed house of people who paid as much as $500 for a ticket to see the former Pontiff turned funny man.  Luckily SPB was able to catch  the show and, with permission from The Comedy Cellar, presents part of it below:

“Well now…..what a fucked up looking audience!!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHA))))”

“If my fucking shit-eating dog was as ugly as most of you….why I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards!”

((((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))!!!!!!

“Good evening ladies and germs…..I’d love to say it’s nice to see all of you mother fuckers…..but I’d BE LYING!!!”

((HAHAHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHAH))!!!!

“Say, how do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!!!

(((HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA)))!

1323863634296

Rolling on the floor and laughing their asses off at Rat’s zingers

“What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?  They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns!!!!!”

((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA)))!!!

“What do you get when you dress like an altar boy and meet the priest?  A holy fuck!!”

(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)))))))))))

“What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH ROFALMAOHAR HAR HAR HAR))))!!”

“Do any of you assholes know the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxaflopin!!!!”

((((HAHHHHAHAAAHAHAHHHHHAAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA))))!!!

“Say, here’s a good one:  what happens when you get the Viagra computer virus? It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk!!”

(((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))))!!!!”

Heckler:  “Hey Pope Rat-a-Tat….YOU FUCKING SUCK!!”

“Hey a heckler !  Hey buddy….PONTIFF THIS!!!!” says Rat-A-Tat grabbing his balls.

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAH!!!)))

If you would like to see the hottest show in America good luck getting tickets. All 104 shows are already sold out said a spokesperson for The Comedy Cellar.  “Seems everyone wants to see this funny mother fucker.”

NYC 16 Comedy Cellar, Greenwich Village

The Pope says Fuck It….I’m Steppin’ Out !!

The Pope has put on his dancing shoes and is ready to get down and boogie.

Sick of all the sex scandals tearing apart his “Pope-ship,” Pope Benedict XVI startled everybody recently, especially Catholics, by saying, “Fuck it, who needs this shit?” and dumped the frumpy clothes, the stupid-ass fake name, (Benedict for god’s sake….who the fuck ever thought of that one?), and put on his best zoot suit and hit the party scene in the Big Apple before the ink was even dry on his resignation.

The former Pope ((flees)) Vatican City (note red Gucci dancing shoes)

“Life is short,” said the ex-Pope, who now calls himself “Joe Rat,” not to be confused with THE “Joe Rat,” aka Joey “Kneecap”  Santorielli of The Bronx, who was indicted last week for racketeering and multiple murder counts.  “I’m like, what…90?  Dude, there’s a town to paint and beaver to bang.”

“Midnight Plowboy”

But Mr. Pope…err, Joe?  You’re like fucking 90!?!?!   Beaver to bang?!?

“Nothing a double dose of Cialis won’t take care of,” added a confident Joe Rat. “I plan to start at clubs on the upper west side and work my way down until I’m downtown sweet Georgia Brown baby,” added the newly cocky ex-Pontiff.  “I’ve got stax of wax that haven’t been played in years including K.C. and the Sunshine Band, The Ohio Players, Confunkshun, The Bar-Kays, Lakeside, and a bunch of others.   Have you ever heard the Silver Convention?” asked “Joe Rat” of a clearly befuddled Southpaw reporter.  “Just feast your ears on this baby…..

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

The Pope’s chicks….Silver Convention

“Fuck man…is that an eargasm or what?,” asked “Joe Rat,” who seemed genuinely lost in the 70’s.

“Joe Cool”

When reminded by Southpaw that much of the music he mentioned is not only lame, but antiquated and that most club disc jockeys wouldn’t even know what it is much less play it, the ebullient ex-Pontiff said, “I could give a shit man….I’ll just let my records take me to the river baby….and where ever I hang my hat, that’s my home.  Now move aside sonny…I got a gun in my pocket and it’s about ready to go off.”

Unfortunately for the ex-Pope, aka “Joe Rat,” his “steppin’ out” was short-lived as he was arrested just a few hours after checking into the No-Tell Motel on the upper west side for, you guessed it, soliciting prostitution…..of the male persuasion.  So much for “bangin’ beaver.”

I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES
JUST TO BOOGIE WITH YOU, YEAH
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES JUST TO BOOGIE WITH YOU,UH HUH
I WANT TO IT IT ‘TIL THE SUN COMES UP
UH HUH, AND I WANT TO DO IT ‘TIL
I CAN’T GET ENOUGH, YEAH, YEAH
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES

The Pope plays with K.C. at recent NYC performance (the Pope is third from the left)

Gary Coleman and The Pope Join Forces with Teabagger Heat Packers

Pope Benedict is packing heat…and so is his new sidekick Gary Coleman both of whom became card carrying members of Tea Party Patriot Heat Packers today at a rally in Northern Virginia  just across the Potomac from D.C.

A jubilant Pope celebrates his initiation as a Tea Party Patriot

“Those fuckers wouldn’t let us into the nation’s Capitol ‘carrying’ so we had to do our thing here in Rosslyn, Virginia,” said Pope Benedict who was recently defrocked for buggering a bunch of alter boys.  “I’m pissed and teabaggers are pissed and Gary here is pissed so Tea Party Patriots is the perfect place for people to come together who are pissed,” said the Pope.  “Plus it gives me a chance to test out this new Dragunov sniper rifle and the German Glock I got at the Vatican before they kicked my ass to the curb.  Isn’t this a beauty,” commented the Pope lovingly holding the Glock like the child he could never have since he only had sex with boys.

Cowboy Pope gone Rogue

Coleman, meanwhile, also pissed off after being rendered homeless for operating a meth lab out of his dilapidated, shit hole apartment in Watts, finds the Tea Party Patriots to be a perfect fit.

Coleman pissed at the world and ready to cap somebody...anybody...in the ass

“Hey these guys embraced me with open arms even though I’m a shrimp and they hate black people.  That’s more than I can say for fucking Hollywood which hung my ass out to dry without a pot to piss in after my career playing Arnold on Diff’rent Strokes was over.  But FUCK Arnold now!!!” said Coleman with a flash of bitterness, anger, and hatred.  “Here’s my ‘Arnold,'” he said caressing a Beretta hand gun holstered on his right side.  “Fuck with me from the left….I dare you,” said Coleman pointing out that he was also armed with a Smith and Wesson 686.

Gary left this dish for the Pope

“Yea, I guess you could say the Pope and I have gotten pretty tight,” said Coleman about his new relationship with fellow Tea Party Patriot inductee, Pope Benedict.  “I mean, we came in together man….there’s  brotherhood.  We even passed out initiation together which was tough as a motherfucker and undignified.  I’m glad it’s over,” said Coleman referring to the obligatory initiation he and the Pope had to undergo when they were forced to run naked through a belt line.  “Dude, some of the Teabaggers are mean motherfuckers and I just know a couple of them intentionally popped my fat ass harder than they needed to.”

This is what got you defrocked Pope....so stay away...for Gary's sake

“Fuck it,” said the Pope referring to the initiation…”I’ve been through worse…and god knows I’ve done worse to people’s asses….but that’s another story for a different day.  Gary’s a great friend….and a wonderful lover,” added Pope Benedict revealing more than he, perhaps, should have.

“Great…the cat’s out of the bag,” said Coleman.  “I hadn’t planned to tell anyone just yet but, yea, we’re very much in love.”

Coleman and the Pope hope to take their love to new heights with a pilot idea they’re currently floating hoping it will get picked up by a major network.

Gimme some a-lovin' Pope !!!

“One name we like is ‘Pope on a Dope,’ or ‘The Pope Smokes a Dope,'” said Coleman, noting the pilot’s story-line about a pedophile Pope who befriends a washed-up, homeless child actor, takes him into his home, and turns him into his  love slave.

“Life imitates Art,” added Coleman, “or is that Art imitates Life? Fuck it….I can never remember.”