Tag Archives: Paul Ryan

The 12 Days of Hatemas….#3

…..and then there were 3


It’s the 12 Days of Hatemas

……featuring some of the most hated people in America (according to a worldwide poll taken by southpaw staff members and polling experts) in 12 separate installments…from number 12 to number 1.  This wonderful hatefest, in the spirit of the pure joy of hate during these festive times, is based on who spb believes are the most influential,  loud-mouth, ugly, obstructive, mean-spirited, racist, piece-of-shit motherfuckers throughout the year 2012….and who will, no doubt, continue to be in 2013 .

Number 3:  Eric Cantor and Paul Ryan 


They, along with weasel Kevin McCarthy from California, who may very well make next year’s list, are the self-proclaimed “Young Guns”….which is sickening enough given that the name suggests they are bold, aggressive, loaded and ready for action baby!!…as opposed to what they really are:  geeky, scrawny, weaselly little fuckers with shitty haircuts….the guys we just fucking hated in H.S. because…well, we just hated them and I don’t have to tell you why because all of you reading this now went to school with fucks like this….arrogant, rotten,  narcissist, Ayn Rand-loving sociopaths who just happen to be smart as hell and instead of using their brains for the good of the people are hell bent to use it to facilitate the goals that the Republican party has had since christ was a corporal: get rid of the third rail of government (Social Security) and privatize it and Medicare.  And just privatize everything…..every fucking thing.  Survival of the fittest with the rest of you left to scrap for the meager crumbs that are left….and by-the-way:  good luck with that.

The difference between these guys and all those like-minded Republicans of the past who have failed to incorporate such barbaric measures is THESE guys really believe they can sell this simply by never….budging….a….single…..inch on ANYTHING that even smells of compromise.  And they think they can do it by appearing hip, and cool, and college frat boy and all with blow-dried hair….and wearing ball caps backwards….and listening to Led Zepplin and AC/DC….and eating arugula….etc., etc.


Hip and cool…..privatization can’t be all bad

“We’ll just cool our way to Ayn Rand,” they say.  “The people will buy it this time,” they say, “because THIS time we got the goods on cool….and those who tried selling it before were wealthy and unhip and didn’t groove like we groove baby.”

The problem is (and this is where the part comes in about us all having gone to H.S. with creeps like this and hating them), someone along the way forgot to give these guys a soul.  Because if they had a soul, they would not be indoctrinated with the sort of philosophy they believe in which, in short, translates to eliminating the middle class and help the wealthy achieve their goals of total U.S., and even world, dominance.  And, again, the biggest single difference between The Young Guns and their like-minded predecessors is that The Young Guns really believe in this shit and would literally kill for it if necessary.

Now, after having read all of this, what are you thinking?  Do these guys, Cantor and Ryan, remind you of anyone?  Yep…you’re right and I’m glad you guessed it.  The Young Guns could just as appropriately call themselves The Young SS….or The Young Gestapo.  Cause believe me…if either Cantor or Ryan had served under the tutelage of Heinrich Himmler, they would have served oh so dutifully…and then some.

Cantor is a miserable motherfucker…the face of all there is to hate, and be afraid of,  in the current U.S. House of Representatives.  And he is their current Majority Leader no less.  But next to Paul Ryan he almost looks like Father Flannigan.  Ryan is the Nazi who didn’t just follow orders and drop canisters of Zyklon B into “showers”….he enjoyed it.  It made his day in fact. Look deep into the eyes of the picture you see below and tell me that this is not true.  Go on…tell me.  Cantor is the guy who was “just doing as I was told”…and, being the worm that he is, would rat everyone out who was complicit when questioned at the Nurnberg trials.  But Ryan enjoyed it…..down to the last scream of agony.  You can see it in his Aryan eyes.  And if they were facing their judgment day, in the form of a firing squad, Cantor would be the guy who would be peeing his pants, on his hands and knees pleading for mercy while promising to give up his own grandmother.  But not Ryan.  He would be the guy standing at attention with right arm up in one last defiant Nazi salute before meeting his maker.  Just look into his eyes.


Just look into those eyes….and you tell me

“Lt. Ryan, vee have extracted all residents from the Warsaw Ghetto per your orders sir and vee have segregated them into the following groups:  Men, Women, Children, and Old People.  How shall vee proceed sir?”


Herr Paul Ryan questions residents of the Warsaw Ghetto

“Kill them.”

“I beg your pardon Herr Ryan?”

“Exterminate them I said….like the roaches that they are.”

“All of them sir?


“Heil Hitler!”

“Heil Hitler”


Cantor, on the other hand, would be the guy who would gladly sell his soul to old Scratch himself by giving up the passengers of the “Voyage of the Damned” so long as it meant some tax breaks for tobacco barons in his home state of Virginia (and yes I know Cantor is Jewish….but that wouldn’t stop him, even for a second, from selling out his own people for the right price).  He’d be the guy who would rat out actors, artists, and scholars who were sympathetic….or even SEEMED sympathetic, to commies and reds.  Cantor would be point man for Joe McCarthy.



Ryan would be the German mole in Stalag 17 who infiltrated the American barracks in their concentration camp passing on all that he learned to the Gestapo….just for some additional tax favors to the dairy mega rich in Wisconsin.


Sieg Heil !

Get the picture?

Too stark?  Too harsh a portrayal?  Don’t bet on it.

There is nothing good about these guys….and they are two of our nations leaders.  If Cantor should succeed Boner as Speaker he’ll be two chairs away from the Presidency.  May the myth in the sky have mercy on our souls.

Nope.  Let me repeat….there is NOTHING good about these guys.  All bad.  They would kill you as soon as look at you if they see you in any way obstructing their ultimate goals of turning American into Ayn Rand Utopia.  Thankfully, a check and balance system know as “humanity”…or what’s left of it, will prevent The Young Guns from doing what they REALLY want to do:  annihilate the weak,  the poor, and the intellectually inferior.  They’ll have to settle for their destiny of Ayn Rand for everyone which they figure is the next best thing to the “Final Solution.”


Ayn Rand utopia: goal of The Young Guns

Nothing good indeed.  And it’s hard to believe there are people in the U.S. of A. who are worse….as you’ll find out in the days ahead.

But for now you’ll have to be satisfied with Eric Cantor and Paul Ryan as # 3 of the 12 Days of Hatemas.  Sieg Heil !!!


Game On!

by gordita

Romney’s Sistine Chapel

The gauntlet has been thrown. Prankster Mitt Romney has bet Paul Ryan that nobody can best his record in setting up the most f*cked-up photo op in the history of modern US campaigning. Fun-loving Ryan has responded that he will not be outdone in the category of f*cked-up Republican antics.

“The day with the miners was the Sistine Chapel of f*cking with people,” said Mitt Romney’s high jinks coordinator, Enis Pay. “Can you imagine forcing a bunch of grimy-faced shovelers to take a day off without pay to stand with a guy who wants to destroy the UMWA? That was classic!”

Ryan, eager to show his stuff, was off to a slow and disappointing start this weekend when he barged into an Ohio soup kitchen and messed up a pile of clean dishes by pretending to wash them. “I mean, where was the irony?” asked Enis. “I get it that Ryan hates the bottom feeders–so showing up in a soup kitchen was ballsy but, still, that whole dishes prank was so trivial…so one-dimensional. Compare it with the sublime man-rape that went down at the Ohio mine. I mean…making those guys take a day off to pump up the candidate who wants to shove miners’ union wages up their asses. Man, that was inspired!”

Ryan is reportedly studying the Republican Southern strategy as a model for future photo opportunities. “Romney should be worried right now–very, very worried,” said Ryan’s dirty tricks guru (and Enis’ brother), Rick Pay. “I mean what is more f*cked up than saying nigger nigger nigger* in a manner that is as obvious as barnyard stink, but abstract and coded, so if a black person complains he’s the one who looks like the dick?”

It’s been done

“I don’t know,” I interject. “F*cking up black people is really f*cked up but it’s been done…ad nauseum in fact. To beat Romney’s coal miner stunt, Congressman Ryan is going to have to dig to new depths.”





“Hmmm. What if the Congressman shows his passion for public education by dropping his drawers at a school assembly?”

“It’s already been done, Rick.”

“Damn! Enis is always one step ahead of me!”

“Maybe you guys should drop the competition with Governor Romney and do something collaborative to f*ck up the American people.”

The Dynamic Duo

“In that case, we had better get our asses back to Ohio. There could still be some f*cked-up voters there who are still undecided. If we can convince them that the Nigg…er I mean the Joker…has gone wobbly on the Penguin we might get the votes we need to vaporize their Obamacare, Medicare, and Social Security!”



“That is really f*cked up, Rick. Thanks for dropping by and talking to us.”

“It’s a pleasure, gordita…as always.”


*Editor’s note:  In a 1981 interview conducted by Alexander P. Lamis, Lee Atwater explained Ronald Reagan’s version of the Southern strategy as follows:

Atwater: As to the whole Southern strategy that Harry S. Dent, Sr. and others put together in 1968, opposition to the Voting Rights Act would have been a central part of keeping the South. Now [the new Southern Strategy of Ronald Reagan] doesn’t have to do that. All you have to do to keep the South is for Reagan to run in place on the issues he’s campaigned on since 1964 and that’s fiscal conservatism, balancing the budget, cut taxes, you know, the whole cluster.

Lamis: But the fact is, isn’t it, that Reagan does get to the Wallace voter and to the racist side of the Wallace voter by doing away with legal services, by cutting down on food stamps?

Atwater: You start out in 1954 by saying, “Nigger, nigger, nigger.” By 1968 you can’t say “nigger” — that hurts you. Backfires. So you say stuff like forced busing, states’ rights and all that stuff. You’re getting so abstract now [that] you’re talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you’re talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is [that] blacks get hurt worse than whites. And subconsciously maybe that is part of it. I’m not saying that. But I’m saying that if it is getting that abstract, and that coded, that we are doing away with the racial problem one way or the other. You follow me — because obviously sitting around saying, “We want to cut this,” is much more abstract than even the busing thing, and a hell of a lot more abstract than “Nigger, nigger.”

Bob Herbert reported on this interview in the October 6, 2005 edition of the New York Times. (Click on the link to read the full article.)

The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard

Ryan….2:51:38 marathoner and much, much more

Republican Vice Presidential Candidate, Paul Ryan, says there’s a simple explanation as to why his claimed marathon completion time was more than an hour faster than the actual time he was clocked according to the magazine Runner’s World.

“My marathon completion time of 2:51:38 is accurate according to my measurement standard known as the Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard or PRCS,” Ryan said.  “It’s a simple and much more accurate measurement of an accomplishment of any kind and if more people, to include the liberal media, would just do their homework and get smart on my standard they would have known that and would feel rather foolish over all of the controversy they’ve stirred up.”

Of course “simple” is a relative term when it comes to understanding the complicated and brilliant mind of Paul Ryan.

“Most people simply don’t understand how a mind of someone like Paul Ryan works,” said nuclear physicist, Dr. Hugh Janus of the Nuclear Institute of Manhattan.  “…and there is definitely a learning curve when it comes to understanding what comes from the mind of such brilliance and what comes from the mind of a normal person,” said Janus.  “He’s way ahead of his time.  The rest of the world simply hasn’t caught up to Paul Ryan.”

Dr. Hugh Janus

“My coefficient is pretty clear,” Ryan said.  “As it’s outlined in my book, “The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard”, you just take the ratio of the coefficiency of the flux capacitation variable and divide that by triangulating the null hypothesis which gives you a general measurement that is .00000000000000001 to the tenth power of accuracy which is about a thousand times more accurate than your standard measurement.  And there you go.  All you have to do is read my book which is on sale for 29.95 at Barnes and Noble to have a much more clear understanding of my methodology,” said Ryan.

“Well, I guess I owe you an apology,” I said.

“Accepted,” said Ryan.

Listed below are some of Paul Ryan’s greatest accomplishments throughout his life with both his coefficiency standard measurement, the PRCS, and the normal standard measurement known as the NLNHM (“non-lying normal human measurement):

                                                                      PRCS         NLNHM

1.)  Marathon (26.2 miles):                                        2:51:38             4:01:16

2.)  High School Mile Run:                                        4:15:28              8:15:52

3.)  Bench Press:                                                          350 lbs                98 lbs

4.)  State Fair Hot Dog-Eating Contest:                  48 dogs               2 dogs

5.)  Victories in HS wrestling:                                      85                       1*

6.)  Number of chicks he slept w/ in college:           166                      0

7.)  Number of times masturbated in college:            0                16…per day

8.)  Number of peaks over 14K feet                             40                      0**
climbed in Colorado and elsewhere
to include K-2:

* He won by default…the other guy quit before the match began.
**But he read “Into Thin Air” by Jon Krakauer at least six times.

“Hopefully the press and the public now have a better understanding of this more accurate form of measurement. As for the liberal media, I would say they owe me an apology as well,” said Ryan.

“The Washington Post, New York Times, and NPR have also issued apologies and the WP has gone to the extent of hiring additional quantitative research experts to get a better grasp of the PRCS.  For its part, the NYT has made it a requirement that its entire staff have a copy of the book alongside of the Associated Press Style Guide and copies of a thesaurus.  NPR will include a segment discussing the PCRS on its Science Friday show with Ira Flatow and will devote an additional 10 percent of its funding to explore the science of the PRCS.

“Scientists throughout the world are in awe and humbled by the measurement methodology of Congressman Ryan,” said Janus.  “We haven’t seen anything like PRCS since Einstein discovered Bose’s atomic counting method and all I can say is that it’s an exciting time to be alive.”

Rep. Paul Ryan Announces, “I’m Coming Out”


Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, a conservative member of the U.S House of Representatives, announced today before a stunned crowd of supporters that he is “coming out of the closet” and proudly admitting that he has huge ears and that he is a fucking idiot.

“I’ve had huge ears my whole life,” said Ryan, “but I’ve spent my life hiding that fact from my parents, from my classmates, from my friends, and now from my cohorts and constituents.”

“But today I’m proud to say I’ve stopped hiding,” he added proudly.  “I have big ears and I’m a fucking idiot and I want the world to know it!”

((CONGRESSMAN RYAN!! CONGRESSMAN RYAN !!)) yelled a gaggle of reporters.

Ryan, who also sports an adolescent hair cut (but “came out of the closet” and admitted that characteristic in 2002) answers questions from skeptical reporters in his typical, matter-of-fact, fucking idiot way

“Okay guys….I’m only going to take a couple of questions…..Wolf?”

“But Congressman Ryan, most of the sane world already KNEW you not only have HUGE ears but that you’re a fucking idiot.  Your thoughts sir?”

The press yuks it up with another fucking idiot before getting to the main attraction fucking idiot, Paul Ryan

“Wolf, I’m glad you brought that up because it’s one thing for everyone to know something but it’s another thing for someone to come out and make it honest.  Take Larry Craig for instance.   Everyone in the world knows he’s a homosexual except for Larry.  I guarantee you that once Larry comes out and admits it, he’ll feel better  about himself…just like me.  I feel like a million bucks.  Bret Baier of Fox News….do you have a question?”

“Yes sir…what did you discover first about yourself…that you were a big-eared freak or that you were a fucking idiot, and when?”

“Funny you ask that Bret cause I was pretty young when I sorta of had those things discovered for me….but I never wanted to own up to it….until now.  When I was about 10 years old one of my teachers once told me, “Paul…people with giant ears like yours probably won’t get very far….but you’re such a specially gifted fucking idiot that I wouldn’t be surprised if you make it all the way to being a fucking idiot Republican member of the House of Representatives one day.   I tell  you Bret, from that point forward I lived in shame…until now.  And I couldn’t be prouder than I am right now.  Okay one more guys….Gretchen Carlson of Fox News… do you have a question?”

“The kids called me Yoda,” said Ryan. “I never knew what they were talking about because I never saw “Star Wars”

“Rep Ryan, do you think your coming out like this will inspire others to come out as well?”

“I sure hope so Gretchen because I know at least 241 other Republican members of the house, some of who have big ears…albeit not as big as mine….but all of who are fucking idiots and are dying to come out.  I can tell you that for me personally it’s like lifting a weight off my shoulders the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.  I hope one day my Republican cohorts will come out like I have.  But that will be between them and God and their own fucking idiot level.  I wish them luck. Thank you everyone and thank you for your support!”