Alabama: Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”
“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.
“After the bill passes on Monday, any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.
Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere. Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.
“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun. “In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”
(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)
(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).
South Carolina: Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)
“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”
“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley. “It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.