Tag Archives: Nikki Haley

Weekly News Briefs from the South

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Alabama:  Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”

“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.

“After the bill passes on Monday,  any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.

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Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere.  Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.

“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun.  “In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”

(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)

(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).

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South Carolina: Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)

“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”

“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley.  “It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.

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Newt Celebrates Victory in South Carolina

Republican Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, commemorated his huge  primary victory in South Carolina today by sleeping with Governor Nikki Haley who, based on his performance, quickly endorsed him.

Even Newt can't believe Nikki slept with him. But Governor Haley has a history of sleeping with fat pussies who happen to be men of influence.

“What better way to celebrate than to fuck a Governor,” said Gingrich.

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t make it a habit to sleep with all men other than my husband,” said the Governor and serial adulteress.   “I limit my adultery to men of influence and those who are up and coming….and believe me, I can tell you from first hand experience that Newt is ‘up and coming,'” said Haley with a saucy laugh.

The Governor supported him.....

...but ended up fucking HIM. "Mitt doesn't know what he missed," says Gingrich.

As for the people of evangelical South Carolina, they don’t seem to care so long as the Governor is sleeping with a white man.

“He’s got the right skin color,” said evangelist and KKK sympathizer Orville Dick Beiter of Sumter.  “Plus Newt is a fat hog with jowls like me and most everyone I know in South Carolina.  He talks like us, looks like us, and fucked our Governor  which is good enough for me.”

Gingrich’s wife Callista said she will continue to stand by her man even though he slept with Governor Haley.

Callista stands by her man even when he sleeps with other women.....and men

“Is there any place you would draw a line in terms of your husband’s extra-marital activities?”  I asked.

“Yes, as a matter of fact there is,” said Callista.  “If he falls in love…like he did a while back with that pussy-ass Santorum…I will cut his balls off.”

South Carolina Makes Not Being a Christian a Capital Offense

If you venture into South Carolina and you’re not a Christian, be prepared to face the electric chair….or lethal injection if that’s your choice.

“Or the guillotine,” said State Senator Jake Knotts, “which would be my preference and, hopefully, will be mandated for non-Christians if my proposal passes in the state legislature.”

"We consider South Carolina a progressive state in that we give non-Christians a choice in how they want to be executed," said Jake Knotts with wife after a biiiiig dinner at Bob Evans. "The only good non-Christian is a headless non-Christian," said Knotts before digging into a four-pound rack of ribs

South Carolina currently allows prisoners to choose between lethal injection and electrocution.

Non-Christians unlucky enough to venture into South Carolina have a choice of being executed like this.......

....or like this

“If  such a law will serve as a deterrent to non-Christians being in our state than I’m  all for it,” said Republican candidate for Governor and serial adulteress, Nikki Haley.  “Far too many non-Christians have ventured across the state line from dens of debauchery like Georgia and North Carolina…especially North Carolina, and they’re bringing non-Christian beliefs into our confines and we can’t have that.  South Carolinians overwhelming support killing people who do that.”

State Senator Jake Knotts prefers this method for killing non-Christians

“Will non-Christians be arrested first and then tried by a jury of their peers before they are killed?” asked Southpaw.

“That’s something that’s being discussed now by our state legislature but my short answer would be more than likely not.  Besides,” added Haley, “there’s no such thing as a jury of one’s peers in South Carolina if you’re a non-Christian.”

“Could you elaborate?”

“I mean, if and when this law gets passed by our state legislature, we will kill non-Christians on the spot,” explained Haley.

“Well how in the world will you know whether or not they are non-Christians?”

“The obvious signs….lack of a Jesus fish on the backs of their cars, any sort of reference to a liberal agenda up to and including peace signs, etc.  Plus, any sort of vehicle that is NOT a gas-guzzling SUV or a pick-up truck will be immediately impounded and the vehicle’s occupants will be placed in a holding cell until will can ascertain whether or not they are Christian.”

Like a good Christian, Nikki spends hours Googling for non-Christians. "As Governor, I owe it to my future constituents to have non-Christians put to death."

“How in the world will you do that?”

“By asking them vital questions–the key one being, ‘Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and do you acknowledge that he died on the cross for your sins?’”

“What if they lie and say they ARE Christians when they may not be?”

“Well, that’s when judgment of the arresting officer will have to enter into the equation.”  Our officers have been well trained to determine who’s lying about being a Christian.  We defer to that judgment,” said Haley.

“Well what about you Ms. Haley?  Your own state Senator, Jake Knotts, called you a raghead and has questioned your Christianity and your belief in the Lord thy God and savior and whether or not he died for your sins-which include sleeping with most of the male population in South Carolina.  Senator Knotts maintains you’re a Sikh.  If that’s the case, could you yourself  face the death penalty immediately once your new law is enacted?”

“Yes, your point is well taken.  Even though I am now and forever more a Christian, if at anytime it is proven that I am not a Christian I am prepared to die for my sins.”

“Great Ms. Haley…so long as we have that on record,” said Southpaw.

Two Men Who Have Not Slept With Nikki Haley Captured Today in South Carolina

Before the arrests today, Republican Candidate for Governor, Nikki Haley, pleads to police, "Please capture these men so I can try to understand why they've not slept with me."

After a two-week statewide, sometimes frantic manhunt, two men were captured today in South Carolina literally seconds before they were poised to cross safely into North Carolina. Both confessed immediately to state police that they had not slept with Republican candidate for South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley.

Doug McCockin, 25, a part-time truck driver from Greenville, and Herb Eaverstinks, 31, an unemployed brick layer both tearfully admitted that they had not yet slept with Ms. Haley.

Doug McCockin, 25, arrested for suspicion of being one of three South Carolina men who have not slept with Ms. Haley

“I swear to god I didn’t mean to not sleep with her, said Eaverstinks…I had meant to I’m telling you…but then Doug started giving me shit and…”

Herb Eaverstinks, 31, is ready to cut a deal and give up his friend. Eaverstinks reportedly told police, "if I'm cleared, I'll spend the rest of my days on this earth hunting down the real men who didn't sleep with Nikki Haley"

“Shut the fuck up man!” screamed McCockin.  “Both of us were going to sleep with her  you son-of-a-bitch and you know it…you’re just trying to cut a deal you piece of shit cause you know you’re ALREADY on parole.”

“Whatever man….I’m just tried of all the running and I just want this to STOP !!”

“Okay….okay, easy boys,” said arresting officer on the scene, Harry Paratesties.  “Both of you will have lots of time to come clean when we get you over to county lockup.  And I know for sure the district attorney will want to know why the both of you never slept with Ms. Haley.  So you damn well better get your stories straight.  I for one can barely stand the sight of either of you.”

“I’M TELLING YOU OFFICER PARATESTIES…..IT WAS ALL DOUG….HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ALWAYS FUCKED UP ON GRASS AND WHENEVER HE WASN’T MESSED  UP HE WAS SURFING PORN AND….”

“GODDAMN IT YOU FUCKING PUNK….SHUT UP !!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay okay….get em outta here and take em over to lockup.  We’ll see how well they stay unsexed with our two resident sodomites, Leon and Ernie….hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.”

“Jesus Doug….I told you we should have just slept with her instead of running …now we’re looking at hard time man.   Why did we have to be any different than any other guy in this state?”

“Shut up Herb….just shut up and let me think.”

If convicted, McCockin and Eaverstinks face up to five years behind bars and a 100 thousand dollar fine.  Sources say if they could receive considerably less time if they agree to cooperate with authorities and sleep with Ms. Haley sometime in the not so distant future.

Citizen Haley spends valuable campaign time assisting police in capturing the two men who have not slept with her

An undisclosed police source reports that state FBI officials are reportedly after one other unidentified man who, reportedly, has not slept with Ms. Haley.  The source who agreed to speak with Southpaw only if his/her identity remained anonymous claims that the unidentified man fits the description of Nikki Haley’s husband who has reportedly been missing for more than two weeks.

Nikki's husband Brucey, the bald-headed pussy with the blue shirt, has reportedly been missing for two weeks. Police allege that he is the only remaining at-large South Carolinian who has not slept with Nikki Haley. Police warn that he could be armed and extremely dangerous