Tag Archives: Newt Gingrich

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”


“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”


Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”


Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”


“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”



John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”


“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.


((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”


Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”



“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin



((BLAM BLAM!!!))))


((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)



Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))



Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”



Medal of Freedom for Imagined Bravery Presented to Five Would Be Heroes

In a solemn ceremony in the White House Rose Garden today, President Obama awarded  the  Medal of Freedom to five great Americans who distinguished themselves through  could have acts of heroism, would have self-sacrifice, and almost loyalty to their country.

The five recipients were former Massachusetts Governor and Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, the President of Fox News, Roger Ailes, former Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum, and former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

“These five heroes have distinguished themselves with stalwart proclamations of patriotism and expressions of jingoism,” said President Obama before presenting the Medals of Freedom to the five gentlemen for what they wish had been their hope and aspiration to give their lives for their country.

Resolute, tough, and determined....a testimony to dreams of what would have been

“Governor Romney is a great American who wanted desperately to serve in Vietnam but just couldn’t make it,” said President Obama as he presented the Governor with this honor. “He distinguished himself by wanting to have been the Commander in Chief and wanting to have captured Osama Bin Laden. Tragically, he was held back by his duty to raid corporations and make hundreds of millions of dollars.”

The man of humility and honor. "Aw shucks folks"

“Rick  Santorum distinguished himself by proclaiming himself as America’s greatest patriot who would have done more than anyone if he had gotten his wish to serve in the Gulf War or any other conflict,” said President Obama of the former Senator and Republican Presidential candidate.  “But he had to serve another war…..the war being waged by liberals on Christianity right here in the U.S.”

"I wish I could die for my country," says Gingrich. "Just give me a chance."

Newt Gingrich has distinguished himself as perhaps the greatest non-Vietnam serving Vietnam veteran in America, said the President of this great, great American and former Speaker of the House.  “I should have gone over there,” Newt once said about his desire to have fought and died in the rice paddies of Cambodia.  “A number of unfortunate deferments deprived Newt from living his dream of  doing what he imagined and dreamed of doing.  And for that, Newt is a distinguished hero by anyone’s definition,” added the President.

Great doesn't come any bigger....or any greater.

“Roger Ailes distinguished himself   by being a legendary leader in his own mind of platoons and divisions in Vietnam and leading men into battle,” said the President of the  bovine and corpulent hero.  “Here’s a man who has displayed gargantuan and elephantine dreams of service to his country that surpass those of our greatest Americans.  Well done sir.”

So revered that literally tens of thousands of U.S., Iraqi, and Afghan soldiers have given their lives for this hero because of what he would have done if he could have served.

“And last but certainly not least, Vice-President Dick Cheney distinguished himself by by showing bravery and courage under the fire by sending hundreds of thousands of others into combat,” said President Obama as he presented Cheney with his Medal of Freedom. “This is a great man who dreamed of serving, wanted to serve, demanded to serve but because of a pesky deferment x 4 was unable to realize his greatest desire:  to give his life for his country.  He instead chose to do something even greater:   assure that tens of thousands of others gave up their lives for their country.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen….please give a round of applause for these five great and  distinguished American heroes.”


“God bless you….and God Bless the United States of America.”

Newt Celebrates Victory in South Carolina

Republican Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, commemorated his huge  primary victory in South Carolina today by sleeping with Governor Nikki Haley who, based on his performance, quickly endorsed him.

Even Newt can't believe Nikki slept with him. But Governor Haley has a history of sleeping with fat pussies who happen to be men of influence.

“What better way to celebrate than to fuck a Governor,” said Gingrich.

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t make it a habit to sleep with all men other than my husband,” said the Governor and serial adulteress.   “I limit my adultery to men of influence and those who are up and coming….and believe me, I can tell you from first hand experience that Newt is ‘up and coming,'” said Haley with a saucy laugh.

The Governor supported him.....

...but ended up fucking HIM. "Mitt doesn't know what he missed," says Gingrich.

As for the people of evangelical South Carolina, they don’t seem to care so long as the Governor is sleeping with a white man.

“He’s got the right skin color,” said evangelist and KKK sympathizer Orville Dick Beiter of Sumter.  “Plus Newt is a fat hog with jowls like me and most everyone I know in South Carolina.  He talks like us, looks like us, and fucked our Governor  which is good enough for me.”

Gingrich’s wife Callista said she will continue to stand by her man even though he slept with Governor Haley.

Callista stands by her man even when he sleeps with other women.....and men

“Is there any place you would draw a line in terms of your husband’s extra-marital activities?”  I asked.

“Yes, as a matter of fact there is,” said Callista.  “If he falls in love…like he did a while back with that pussy-ass Santorum…I will cut his balls off.”

Gingrich Supporter Makes Stunning Discovery

Supporters of Newt Gingrich have, for months, wondered why they’ve never been able to actually meet face-to-face with the Republican Presidential candidate and front runner’s 16th wife, Callista.   They now know why:

“She’s a blowup doll,” said Don Keedix, a Gingrich supporter from Mason City, Iowa.  “I saw the two of them surrounded by their staff at the hotel where they were staying and I just walked right up to ‘her’ and I stuck out my hand to shake hers and discovered it was made of cold squishy plastic.  I couldn’t fucking believe it. That was the closest I’d ever been to her and I noticed she had one of those mouths just like the blow up doll I have at home to stick my dick in….when my wife’s not looking of course. Mrs. Gingrich looked just like the one I bought on line for $59.95…..exactly like her in fact.”

Photo of Keedix's knock-off blow-up doll that he purchased on-line for $59.95.

“That’s ridiculous,”  Gingrich press secretary, Norma Snockers, said of Keedix’s contention.

“Speaker Gingrich would NEVER spend a mere $59.95 on a blowup doll,” Snockers said dismissively. “Further, he’s never purchased ANY of his wives online much less number 16.  Speaker Gingrich bought her himself about four years ago on a book signing stop in Van Nuys, CA .  He bought her at one of those novelty stores.  And I’ll have you know that Callista, whom Speaker Gingrich named himself, cost him nearly $100.00. She was most certainly not some knock off for $59.95.”

Van Nuys, CA adult novelty store where Gingrich purchased Callista reportedly for $99.95 some four years ago

Gingrich supporters that we spoke with said the fact that their candidate’s wife is a blow-up doll makes no difference.

“So long as he sticks to the girl dolls, we couldn’t care less,” said Keedix.

Family values voters draw the line right here

Paths of Righteousness

…starring:  Colonel Rick Perry, Major Mitt Romney, Captain George W. Bush, Sgt. Newt Gingrich, Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Private Eric Cantor, and featuring Lieutenant Rick Santorum as the Christian coward….

It was the worst of times….a time of war when Christian life as Americans know it was threatened at its core…when the America we love and cherish hangs in the balance.  And it is the eve of Col. Rick Perry’s greatest conquest:  The taking of the Ant Hill and the ultimate annihilation of America’s greatest enemies:  Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity….

It is a time of reckoning….

The Front

Scene I:  Col Perry visits the front which is preparing its final attack upon the Ant Hill:

“TEN HUT!!!!!!”

“At ease men.   Capt. Bush, do you have a status report on the Ant Hill?”

“Sir, yes Sir!  We currently have the last remnants of American Common Sense and Humanity pinned in.  Our men are standing by, Sir, and prepared to attack and finish them off on your orders.”

“Good…very good Capt. Bush.  Remember, if you should capture anyone, see to it that they are renditioned to Texas so they can be quickly lethally injected before any chance of intervention from the courts.”

“Yes SIR ! And if any of those captured are retards, Sir?”

“No chance of that Captain since the only retards left are on our side.

“Affirmative, Sir !!”

“You know Capt Bush….you and your  men have the opportunity to bring great honor to God, flag, and country…”

“You’re a great leader Col. Perry,” complimented Col Perry’s trusty aide, Major Mitt Romney.  “The capture of the Ant Hill will place your legacy alongside of that of Ronald Reagan.  Samuel Johnson once said, ‘patriotism is the refuge of a scoundrel.'”

“Right you are Major Romney…a saying in which we may all take great pride.”

“Sir, are you ready to meet the men who are ready to give you your greatest victory?’

Soldiers of righteousness prepare to meet their leader

“Yes Capt. Bush.  Hello there soldier.  What’s your name?”

“Sir, Sgt Gingrich, SIR !”

“Are you ready to kill Common Sense soldier?”


“And what’s your name soldier?”

“Sir, Private Cantor Sir!”

“Cantor, are you ready to kill Humanity?”

“Sir YES SIR !  HOOAH !!”

“Very good soldier.  Men, tomorrow at first light you shall do battle with the true forces of evil…the forces that are trying to prevent your great way of life and your rights to have consistently low prices at Wal-Mart, marriage between a man and a woman, prayer and exclusive teachings of intelligent design in your children’s schools, belief in only one God….your God…the God under the banner of one heaven, and most of all…your rights to have no affordable health care!”

Col Perry takes aim at Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity


“And what’s your name soldier?”

“Lt. Santorum, Sir.”

“And are you ready to kill Knowledge soldier?”

“Well, I understand that Knowledge is pretty tough, Sir…that it won’t be easy to kill..”

“In America?!?!  Are you crazy soldier?!?!?! Troops what do you think about such a statement?!?!


“But Sir….I’m just not sure Sir… if I’m ready to….”

“NOT READY!?!  Lt. you sound like a coward.  Why if you were from my state and you weren’t already an evangelical I’d have you lethally injected!”

“But Sir….I just can’t fight Knowledge.”

“Get out of my sight Santorum you pasty-white, fat-ass, pansy coward. What about you Gingrich?  Do you think you and your men can rid our republic of the last remnants of Knowledge?”


“You there soldier….what’s your name?”

“Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Sir.”

“Corporal Bachmann, I understand you have a special set of skills and great experience at infiltrating Common Sense and Humanity and getting deep inside the scourge known as same-sex marriage.”

“SIR YES SIR! I’ve been able to outflank and deeply penetrate the insides of same-sex marriage.”

“Then Corporal Bachmann….I will expect you to penetrate same-sex marriage to its bitter end with repeated deep thrusts.”

Corp. Bachmann....master of "deep infiltration" of same-sex marriage scourge

“Sir yes Sir!  …with repeated deep, deep penetration with deep thrusts Sir, yes Sir.”

“Good luck men.   May you go forth tomorrow in victory under the banner of heaven.  Major Romney and I will be leading you in spirit from our chickenhawk headquarters.  We wish you godspeed.”

…and so it was to be:  America’s  final conquest and its greatest victory to permanently rid our great nation of  Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity was at hand.  Live long and prosper oh great Christian nation.

The last remnants of Common Sense and Knowledge are ordered to be shot by Col Perry

Family Values Feud !!!

Ladies and gentlemen get ready cause it’s time to play……THE FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!!!

Family Values Feud, where  one family values team does battle with another over a hot button family values issue!

Now here’s your host……POPE BENEDICT XVI !!!!

Pope "Ben" Benedict



“Are you ready to play  Family Values Feud!?!?!?!?!?!”


“…THEN LET’S GO !!!  On my right, say hello to Team Bachmann Family Values made up of Republican Presidential candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich…”


“….and on my left, it’s the Team Pawlenty Family Values with Republican Presidential candidates, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney !!!”

((Clap clap clap clap))!! ((yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa))!

“Are we ready? !  Then LET’S GO !!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, our category tonight is PRO LIFE !!!  Which team is most Pro-Life?  We have a series of question for each team from tonight’s Pro-Life category.  By the end of the show we’ll know who’s most Pro-Life and, thus, who is the most American.”

“Let’s start with Team Pawlenty….Team Pawlenty, who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Claims he was Pro-Life before Pro-Life was Pro-Life

Pawlenty:  “Uhh, well, I was Pro Life before Pro Life became cool.”

Perry:  “I love life…course, I also love death given that I’m responsible for more executions in my state than all others combined…and to do that you have to love it.  But I think I love life a little bit more than I love death.  Especially when an election is coming up.”

Rick Perry is Pro Life a wee bit more than he is Pro Death

Romney:  “I’m absolutely, without question Pro Life…at least I think I am.  Of course you may have evidence that suggests otherwise….but let me just tell you that I was for life before I was against life.”

Pope Ben:  “Okay….now the same questions goes to Team Bachmann!  Team Bachmann…Who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Santorum:  “I’m so Pro Life that I’ve refrained from any sort of sex in order to not waste my jism and thus kill life.  Of course, my wife has also refused to have any sort of sex with me for the last 25 years which has made such refraining more sustainable.”

Rick Santorum decks out for Family Values Feud

Gingrich: “I’ve left two wives to have affairs and I’m probably going to leave my current wife as soon as I can find someone who’s crazy enough to have an affair with me…so yes, I’m pro wife.”

Gingrich is more Pro Wives than he is Pro Life...but only by a nose

Pope Ben:  “Mr. Gingrich, I said “PRO LIFE.”

Gingrich:  “Ahh, well I’m that too.”

Bachmann:  “Well, I was Pro Life before I was even alive and my mother was just as Pro Life and chose life for me despite the fact that I was born a serious mental retard which has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”

Pope Ben: “ladies and gentlemen, the 1st round goes to….TEAM BACHMANN!”

“Okay, Team Bachmann leads as we head into round 2.  Our next Pro Life question is this:  Do you jerk off…and if so, what do you do afterwards?”

“Team Bachmann….you’re first.”

Gingrich:  “I only jerk off between wives…and even then I only did it in such a way as to not hurt anyone….especially the great people of America because I’ve always thought I put America first ahead of jerking off which is why I believe I’m most qualified to be President of this great country of ours.  And even when I did jerk off, I would always pray immediately after.”

Bachmann:  “What’s jerking off?”

Santorum: “Yes, I currently jerk off at least nine times a day, sometimes more, in my effort to bring life into this world and, of course, I always try to save my jizz so as not to destroy life.  There have been times, however, when my semen inadvertently gets away from me and gets stuck between the pages of the Playgirl…err, I mean the Playboy I just happen to be reading at the time.”

Pope Ben:  and Team Pawlenty?”

Perry:  “I jerk of as much as I want because it’s my right as an American and they can take away my jerking off when they pry my pecker from the grips of my cold dead fingers….especially those on my left hand.”

Pawlenty: “I believe jerking off is a sin in the eyes of God….therefore, I refrain from such pleasurable activity no matter how many times a day my mind wanders to the images of being surrounded by naked,  young choir boys between the ages of 10 through 13.”

Romney:  Of course everyone knows I was for jerking off before I was against it and now I’m either for it or against it depending on how the most extreme elements of the Republican party feel at the moment about jerking off…”

Pope Ben: ” And round 2 goes to……..Team Pawlenty!!!”

“Well, we have a tie folks but our final round will determined the winner.  At each of your booths you’ll find copies of Hustler or Playgirl opened to the most explicit pages.  Now then, your reaction to those explicit pages will be measured by my assistant, Vanna, and that measurement will determine how Pro Life you are.  The group with the most positive measurements wins today’s Family Values Feud.  So….HERE WE GO!  Vanna, please take the measurements.”

Vanna:  “We’re on the Team Bachmann side and it looks like Santorum with Hustler magazine has a 4″ boner which means he RESPECTS LIFE!”


…”however, Gingrich with Hustler magazine shows no measurement…in fact, I’m not able to detect any sign of a penis….so, HE DOES NOT RESPECT LIFE!!”


“and finally, Bachmann with Playgirl shows a dramatic increase in heart rate and salivation which means she DEFENDS ALL LIFE!!”


Pope Ben: “And Team Pawlenty?”

Vanna: “Well, both Perry and Pawlenty have serious erections with Playgirl…though it looks like Perry’s erection is bigger…which means neither of them respects life as much as Team Bachmann.”


“On the other hand, Romney with Hustler shows indications that he would rather wait to have an erection until he’s able to poll whether extremist Republicans approve or disapprove of erections….suggesting he is Pro Life….or then again, maybe not.”


Pope Ben:  “Folks, we have a WINNER!!!”


…”and today’s winner of who is more Pro Life is………..TEAM BACHMANN!!!”

Pope Ben: “Join us next week as we bring you the topic of which Republican is more revolted by the image of two men having unbridled sex….on FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!”

Libyan Dictator Muammar Gaddafi Will Resign, Under One Condition…..

Muammar  Gaddafi told the Associated Press today that he’s ready to finally give up power….but only if Newt Gingrich will give up his wife, Callista Gingrich, to the  dictator.

Turns out, Callista is WILD about Mo

“Jesus I’d like to fuck her,” said Gaddafi to the Associated Press reporter, “more than just about any woman I’ve ever seen.”

"Mo" Gaddafi ready to get jiggy with Callista Gingrich

“He jacks off to pictures of her at least a half dozen times a day,” said his personal advisor, Ali be Jackinoff.  “In fact, I’ve walked in on him a couple of times.  It’s not a pleasant sight.”

“If Gingrich gives up his piece of ass, I’ll blow this fucking desert tomorrow,” Gaddafi added.  “This chick looks like she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.  And I can tell you I spend most of my time dreaming about her planting those lips around my desert snake….which is probably a big reason why we’re losing to the insurgency.”

Newt is less and less the focus of Callista's affections

When notified of Gaddafi’s demands, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said today she’s pleased that there seems to be progress in getting the Libyan leader out of power. 

“As to whether Newt gives up his wife will be up to him,” she said.  “Why in the world would a great looking, platinum blond bombshell want a pasty white, fat-ass goober like Newt to begin with when she can have a hunk of Arab man love like Muammar.  If the fuckhead I’m married to weren’t so dependent on me I’d be in Muammar’s tent myself by sundown.”

As for Callista Gingrich, she initially claimed to have been repulsed by the notion of sucking Muammar Gaddafi’s dick. However, the southern belle with modern-day Jayne Mansfield looks said that upon reconsideration she could not help but be intrigued by such a prospect.

“If you’ll forgive me, he’s rough… He’s like an animal,” said Mrs. Gingrich. “He has an animal’s habits. There’s even something subhuman about him. Thousands of years have passed him right by, and there he is.  Muammar, survivor of the Stone Age, bearing the raw meat home from the kill in the jungle. Ah have to admit….ah have spent many a night of late dreaming of being in the arms of such a beast.”

When told of what she said about him, Gaddafi was delighted and said he can’t wait to do the horizontal bop with Mrs. Gingrich on his best air mattress in his best tent.  “I guarantee you, once this chick gets a look at my python, she’ll never go back to that draft-dodging pussy pile of shit husband of hers.”

Mo Gaddafi ready for the Big Bang with Callista

Meantime, Callista Gingrich’s husband was too busy running his 2012 Presidential campaign into the ground to comment.  However, he was later overhead saying that he always thought if his wife left him for a middle eastern dictator it would be Hosni Mubarak.

Hosni rolls his eyes over the prospect of sleeping with Callista Gingrich. "I'd sleep with Newt first," he commented cynically.

Callista Gingrich was clear, however, that Gaddafi was the horse she wanted to ride.  In fact, she had a message for Gaddafi that she asked the State Department to deliver on her behalf:

Dear Suh,

Ah have always been a softie for a hard-bodied man in uniform.  Please don’t keep me waiting.  AH WANT YOU.  (((MOAN))))  NOW BABY.  DO ME NOW, BABY.  DEAR GAWD, AH HAVE TO HAVE YOU!!!!

Sincerely yours,