Tag Archives: Nathan Deal

Rand Paul Kicks Nathan Deal in the Nuts

by gordita

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Energized by what Republicans are calling an epic appearance at Howard University, 2016 Presidential hopeful Rand Paul was dismayed to hear that Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is characterizing a grass-roots protest against all-white high school proms as Democratic rabble-rousing. So dismayed was he, in fact, that he kicked the governor in the nuts.

[Re-enactment of what Senator Paul did to Governor Deal’s nuts.]

“The record is abundantly clear,” said Paul, “Democrats stand for Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes…you name it.  They are the bane of the Negro race. Long story short, Nathan Deal got his bacts fackward so I kicked him in the nuts.  Or, since there could be ladies present, maybe I should say I nicked him in the kucks. Ha ha ha ha.

“I’m a lady, Senator Paul.”

“Not according to what I’ve heard, gordita. Ha ha ha.”

“Moving right along, Senator. Do you have any examples of Democrats actually hurting blacks? I thought that was pretty much a Republican past time.”

“You mean other than the Democrats’ soft bigotry of low expectations? Sure. Take for example, this statement by a prominent Democratic governor:

And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that theres not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.

“Honestly, gordita, have you ever heard anything more racist and disgusting in your whole life? Well, have you?”

“Senator, that was a statement in 1948 by the late Strom Thurmond, a long-time Republican.”

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“WRONG, gordita. Strom Thurmond did not become a Republican until 1964! The Democrats own him!”

“And I suppose we Democrats also own Jesse Helms, another racist Dixiecrat who became a Republican?”

...

“Damn straight, gordita.”

“So do we own all of your racist assholes?”

“You bet, gordita. Because every single one of them either used to be a Democrat or certainly would have been a Democrat if he had been around during the Jim Crow era.”

“I’m having some problems with that statement, Senator. But maybe this is a good time for you to explain what your problem is with Democrat-turned-Republican, Nathan Deal. You say you kicked him in the nuts?”

“I did. And after what I did to his manhood, people are going to be calling him Nathan Squeal. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Can you tell us why you did that?”

“Because, gordita, he’s a racist Democrat who is not giving proper credit to Republicans who are the true friends of the colored folk.”

“Deal is a racist Republican asshole who has done nothing to stop Georgia’s segregated proms. The people in Georgia who are fighting segregation are all Democrats. So it sounds like you have all your bacts fackward. Or maybe I should talk like a normal person and say facts backward.”

“Gordita, you can talk like a normal person all you want but it still does not change the fact that Jim Crow was invented by Democrats. And that’s why every black with valid picture ID who can get his lazy ass to the polls should vote Republican.”

“Senator, isn’t it a fair statement that a majority of the white racist pigs in the Democratic Party waddled into the Republican barnyard at least 20 years ago and have been as happy there as hogs in slop? Can we agree to that?”

“I’m not going to agree to that, gordita. ‘Cause if I did I would have to kick myself where I kicked Governor Squeal.  And I am not about to do that because I need cojones to talk to rooms full of black people…and because ….”

[My name is Rand Paul and I approve this message.]