Tag Archives: Mitt Romney

Mitt Likes Tits

The ever-vigilant investigative team of SPB has uncovered the following personal ad by Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, on the Christian dating website, Christianmingle.com:

White male,  “Hugh Beaumont” look-a-like, middle-aged but vibrant and youthful with a full head of hair, looking for new soul-mate for prayer, politics, and pleasure with a like-minded,  Christian woman, preferably one of the “Later Day Saints” persuasion  and preferably one with big, big tits and a large ass who also prefers the late 50’s, early 60’s style of living and dress,   If you’re looking for excitement, “Excitement” is my middle name.  Straight sex please….with occasional anal….and please no fems, fatties, queers, smokers, or dopers.  I love reading the bible, stock quotes, discussing capital gains, making fudge, and packing some on occasions.  Are you the one for me?  Call Mitt at 312-More-man   and let’s find out.

Hugh Beaumont

Asked to comment on the ad, Romney campaign spokesperson, Matt Rhoades, would neither confirm or deny it was written by Romney saying only that the Governor gets as lonely as the next guy on the campaign trail.

Romney’s circa ‘mid-50’s undergarments helps control flip-flopping of his mini meat


SPB Tonight With Disingenuous America

“Good evening.  This is SPB Tonight. We’re happy to welcome Disingenuous America to our SPB studio this evening.  Thank you for coming Disingenuous America.”

“My pleasure.”

“Let me start out by asking you who you’re supporting in the upcoming Presidential election?”

“Why I’m supporting Mitt Romney of course.”

“Is there any particular reason you’re supporting Mitt Romney?”

“Well, I think he’ll do a better job with the economy and get America back on track.”

“Really?  How so?”

“Well, he’s been a successful businessman most of his life and has created millions of jobs in America.”

“Actually, Disingenuous America, Mitt Romney has done quite the opposite costing America countless jobs as a corporate raider with Bain Capitol.  Governor Romney HAS created lots of jobs…..for China.”

“Well I’m supporting him because he’s going to make my life better.”

“How so?”

“Well, I’m unemployed but my unemployment insurance ran out six months ago. I have no healthcare insurance and I may have breast cancer and can’t afford a breast exam.  I live on welfare and food stamps, and I just know Mitt Romney will make things better in my life.”

“Did you see the recent video clip of Mitt Romney essentially dismissing 47 percent of America of which you are a member?  It’s been all over TV.”

“I saw that.  I thought he was talking about just minorities.”

“He was….with you being one of them.  And you know Mitt Romney wants to get rid of all entitlement programs including welfare, food stamps, unemployment insurance, Planned Parenthood which would take care of that breast exam you need, and the Affordable Healthcare Act for which you will be eligible in 2014.”

“Well I guess I’m supporting him because I trust him and I like him.”


“And because he’s an American.”


“And because he’s not a Socialist or a Communist!”


“And because he’s someone who I could sit down and have a beer…or a root beer with.”


“Well, he’s a good Christian.”

“Uh, Mormon…which is secretive and kind of a cult.”

“Whatever…I like him because he’s just like me.”

“You sure about that?….he’s filthy rich, has experienced not a single second of adversity in his life, has never been without, and has never lived like you–or me for that matter–and never WILL live like you….not even close.”




“Thank you for being our guest tonight Disingenuous America.   It’s true.  You definitely SHOULD be supporting Mitt Romney.”

“Join us next week as we sit down for a candid conversation with God who will have some highly unflattering things to say about today’s Evangelicals.  This is SPB Tonight.”

Disingenuous America

Genuine America…and it’s not pretty

Game On!

by gordita

Romney’s Sistine Chapel

The gauntlet has been thrown. Prankster Mitt Romney has bet Paul Ryan that nobody can best his record in setting up the most f*cked-up photo op in the history of modern US campaigning. Fun-loving Ryan has responded that he will not be outdone in the category of f*cked-up Republican antics.

“The day with the miners was the Sistine Chapel of f*cking with people,” said Mitt Romney’s high jinks coordinator, Enis Pay. “Can you imagine forcing a bunch of grimy-faced shovelers to take a day off without pay to stand with a guy who wants to destroy the UMWA? That was classic!”

Ryan, eager to show his stuff, was off to a slow and disappointing start this weekend when he barged into an Ohio soup kitchen and messed up a pile of clean dishes by pretending to wash them. “I mean, where was the irony?” asked Enis. “I get it that Ryan hates the bottom feeders–so showing up in a soup kitchen was ballsy but, still, that whole dishes prank was so trivial…so one-dimensional. Compare it with the sublime man-rape that went down at the Ohio mine. I mean…making those guys take a day off to pump up the candidate who wants to shove miners’ union wages up their asses. Man, that was inspired!”

Ryan is reportedly studying the Republican Southern strategy as a model for future photo opportunities. “Romney should be worried right now–very, very worried,” said Ryan’s dirty tricks guru (and Enis’ brother), Rick Pay. “I mean what is more f*cked up than saying nigger nigger nigger* in a manner that is as obvious as barnyard stink, but abstract and coded, so if a black person complains he’s the one who looks like the dick?”

It’s been done

“I don’t know,” I interject. “F*cking up black people is really f*cked up but it’s been done…ad nauseum in fact. To beat Romney’s coal miner stunt, Congressman Ryan is going to have to dig to new depths.”





“Hmmm. What if the Congressman shows his passion for public education by dropping his drawers at a school assembly?”

“It’s already been done, Rick.”

“Damn! Enis is always one step ahead of me!”

“Maybe you guys should drop the competition with Governor Romney and do something collaborative to f*ck up the American people.”

The Dynamic Duo

“In that case, we had better get our asses back to Ohio. There could still be some f*cked-up voters there who are still undecided. If we can convince them that the Nigg…er I mean the Joker…has gone wobbly on the Penguin we might get the votes we need to vaporize their Obamacare, Medicare, and Social Security!”



“That is really f*cked up, Rick. Thanks for dropping by and talking to us.”

“It’s a pleasure, gordita…as always.”


*Editor’s note:  In a 1981 interview conducted by Alexander P. Lamis, Lee Atwater explained Ronald Reagan’s version of the Southern strategy as follows:

Atwater: As to the whole Southern strategy that Harry S. Dent, Sr. and others put together in 1968, opposition to the Voting Rights Act would have been a central part of keeping the South. Now [the new Southern Strategy of Ronald Reagan] doesn’t have to do that. All you have to do to keep the South is for Reagan to run in place on the issues he’s campaigned on since 1964 and that’s fiscal conservatism, balancing the budget, cut taxes, you know, the whole cluster.

Lamis: But the fact is, isn’t it, that Reagan does get to the Wallace voter and to the racist side of the Wallace voter by doing away with legal services, by cutting down on food stamps?

Atwater: You start out in 1954 by saying, “Nigger, nigger, nigger.” By 1968 you can’t say “nigger” — that hurts you. Backfires. So you say stuff like forced busing, states’ rights and all that stuff. You’re getting so abstract now [that] you’re talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you’re talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is [that] blacks get hurt worse than whites. And subconsciously maybe that is part of it. I’m not saying that. But I’m saying that if it is getting that abstract, and that coded, that we are doing away with the racial problem one way or the other. You follow me — because obviously sitting around saying, “We want to cut this,” is much more abstract than even the busing thing, and a hell of a lot more abstract than “Nigger, nigger.”

Bob Herbert reported on this interview in the October 6, 2005 edition of the New York Times. (Click on the link to read the full article.)

Mitt Romney’s Red Badge of Courage

Dawn approached in the wee hours of of the night and all was quiet on the front.  The two young troops were dug into their foxholes waiting for daylight….waiting for the word from their commander that it was time for the mission to begin.  Corporal Mitt Romney’s teeth chattered in the bitter cold while Pvt. Joe Shlabotnik pulled his trench coat tighter around himself in a futile effort to stay warm.

“You’re awfully quiet over there Joe.  What’re thinking about?”

“Oh I’m just thinking about what I’m gonna do when this is finally all over,” said Pvt Shlabotnik.

“So what’re gonna do?”

“Well, I’m gonna enjoy some of my mom’s home cookin’….and then I’m gonna walk over to my best girl’s house down the block and I’m gonna give her a big hug….that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“That sure sounds nice Joe.”

“Well, what are YOU gonna do Mitt?”

“I’m gonna pray Joe.  That’s the first thing I always do….pray and give thanks for all the things I have to be thankful for.”

“And after that?”

“Well, I’m gonna give my best girl Ann a big kiss and a hug.”

“You gotta a picture of your best girl Mitt?

“I sure do Joe…”

“WOW!  She’s a real looker Mitt.”

“Here’s a picture of me and Ann as the homecoming King and Queen.  This picture is of me as class President and Ann as my class secretary. And that’s me as the High School Quarterback and Ann in her head cheerleading outfit looking adoringly at me.”

Corporal Romney and his girl Ann at homecoming

“What’s that a picture of?  It looks like you and five other guys have some kid with long hair on the ground and it looks like you got your hand down his pants and you’re ripping his underwear out.”

“Oh yea.  That was some kid we had at school who we didn’t feel belonged because we thought he was different….so we taught him a lesson.”

“Here’s my senior class picture.”

“Hmmm, everyone in these pictures seems to be white.  Didn’t you have any blacks or Mexicans in your class Mitt?”

“Nahh. Those people have all the advantages. The mission of our high school was to give rich white kids a fair shot.”

“It’s almost morning.  I can see the sun coming up.  It sure is quiet out here.  Are you scared Mitt?”

“Yea I’m scared Joe…..but as long as our Heavenly Father is with us I know we’ll be okay.  I suspect Commander Smith will be giving us our orders soon so we’d better get ready.”

“Do you think we’re gonna make it Mitt?”

“Trust in God Pvt Shlabotnik….and we’ll make it.  Now let’s go down the checklist to make sure you’re prepared ….”

“White, short-sleeved, starched shirt with collar….check.”

“Black, J.C. Penny slacks with black belt…..check.”

“Black clip-on tie….check.”

“Black, military-style Oxford shoes…..check.”

“Name tags…..check.”

“One bicycle apiece with one cheap bike helmet for each of us….check.”

“One Book of Mormon apiece and one Bible each…..check.”

“Two black backpacks stuffed with Mormon flyers, pamphlets, handouts, and bookmarks….check.”

Corporal Romney and Pvt Shlabotnik ready for battle

“Looks like we’re ready Pvt Shlabotnik.  May God be with us in our fight.”

“(((Corporal Romney….Corporal Romney…This is Commander Joseph Smith….come in….come in….are you there Corporal Romney?….)))”

The call to arms comes from Commander Joseph Smith at Command Headquarters in Salt Lake City.

“YES SIR COMMANDER SMITH! This is Corporal Romney and Pvt Shlabotnik reporting as ordered.”

“Are you prepared for battle?”

“Yes sir, we are.”

“Then when you’re ready, you are to depart your foxhole and go door-to-door in  the southern Christian neighborhood in Alabama where you are currently at.  Good luck men…..and may God be with you.”

Commander Joseph Smith

“Thank you sir.”

“Pvt Shlabotnik….are you ready?”

“I’m ready Corporal Romney.”

“Always remember….we’re here to spread the word of Mormonism and convert as many people as possible.  I want you to know, if you don’t make it out of here, I’ll give your love to the folks back in Salt Lake City.   And if I don’t make it, will you give my love to Ann?”

“Yes Corporal Romney.”

“Then….LET’S GO …..HOOAH!!!!!”

(For his courageous efforts in this particular battle, Corporal Romney was awarded the Mormon Purple Heart….which means a southern, evangelical white man who believes Mormonism is a cult, sicked his pit bull on Romney which grabbed him by his right pants leg causing some minor scratches on his ankle and some teeth marks on his Oxford.  The incident also caused Corporal Romney to cry, prompting Pvt . Shlabotnik to console him.)

Pvt Shlabotnik consoles Corporal Romney after he is bitten by a dog


Note from Editor:  For something a tad crazier, try Clarence Thomas Arrested for Impersonating a Black Man

Mitt Romney’s Psychotherapy….Televised

A sensitive and traumatized Romney

Hoping to jump start Romney’s floundering campaign by showing Americans his sensitive, compassionate, and vulnerable side, Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s campaign managers decided it was time for him to seek psychiatric counseling…before a live television audience.

TV audience watches as Governor Romney prepares for psychoanalysis

His campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, said Governor Romney decided to seek help from famous Russian psychiatrist, Ivan Kutchakokov, whose specialty is working with the wealthy elite who want to better relate to the inferior classes in order to exploit them for personal gain.  Dr. Kutchakokov has helped the rich and famous for more than 30 years including Donald Trump (with his fake bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), John McCain (with his phony mood disorder), and Newt Gingrich (with his very real  Encopresis (involuntarily shitting his pants)).

Dr. Ivan Kutchakokov getting a whiff of Newt’s underwear

“So what brings you here to see me today Governor Romney?”

“Well doctor…I’d like to start out by saying it’s not easy for me to be here today.”

“Why is that?”

“Because my image is that of a self-made man and someone who doesn’t have any weaknesses or vulnerabilities like common, inferior Americans.  But, despite the fact that I have superior genes and come from a superior class of people, I too have had things happen to me which have left me deeply traumatized….psychologically.”

“Such as?”

“Well….I have trouble talking about this.”

“Governor Romney…what you say here stays here.”

“There was once….when I was about 15….((sniff))….”

“Can I offer you some Kleenex?”

“Yes…thank you ((sniffle)).  Anyhow, I once came home with only 15 million in earnings for the month as a junior hedge fund intern compared to my usual 17.5 million at one of my father’s companies…..and Father CUT BACK MY POLO PRACTICES FROM FOUR TIMES A WEEK TO THREE FOR A FULL WEEK!! (((SOB)))!”

Young Romney during happier times before Father’s “polo punishment”

“And what are you feeling right now?”

“Angst….horror…..pain….anger….and just the slightest difficulty breathing.”

“What else can you tell me about your past Mitt….uh, can I call you Mitt?”

“No, I would prefer you call me Governor….or Governor Romney.”

“What else Governor Romney?”

“When I was 17, Father and Mother punished me horribly…..and to this day it’s difficult to talk about….

“Again, you’re in a safe place.   Take your time.”

“Well, Father always told me that I should be proud of my superior genes and my family superiority.  So all I was doing was exercising the superiority that Father told me about when I gave some homosexual-acting art student named Sidney a super wedgie in gym class and then hung him to the rafters by his underwear while everyone laughed.”

“So you were punished because of the injustice of bullying the weak and defenseless?”

“No, I was punished because the queer theater instructor who stuck by all the queers like Sidney told the Principal who called my father.”

“And what did your father do?”


“So, how did that make you feel?”

“I felt GREAT about what I did to Sidney….but what Father did to me was devastating.”

“So, this punishment….this punishment you feel was unjustified because it was your first offense?”

“No…..it wasn’t my first offense.  It was my 158th offense.  But I felt the punishment was inconsistent with the privileged status that Father always taught me was mine to use as I pleased.”

“Your father was angry because you abused this privilege?”

“No, he was angry because I got caught.”

“And what did these experiences in your childhood and adolescence do to you?”

“It made me feel traumatized–a fact which should make me appear more human and more vulnerable to the people whose support I need and whom I hope to buffalo into believing that my own horrible adversity in my own life equals theirs so that they better relate to me and would want to have a beer with me, even thought I don’t drink beer, and would vote for me.”

“Well Governor….I definitely believe I can help you.  I’d like to start out meeting you three times a week for eight weeks.”

“What’s wrong with me doctor?”

“Governor….I believe you have a serious case of Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome for which there is no real cure but with the right kind of therapy we can help you prevent any further and deeper insertion that could lead to eventual suffocation.”

Governor Romney….your problem is obvious

“Thank you doctor.”

Mitt Speaks Truth To Power

Mother Jones magazine has uncovered what might represent another misstep in a series of missteps for Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

Governor Romney addresses members of the Davenport, IA Lion’s Club at the annual Americans for Aryan Superiority convention

The liberal magazine has uncovered a recent speech he made to the Lions Club and Chamber of Commerce of Davenport, Iowa in June of this year.

Although the content of the speech is not as offensive to his base as the comments he made in another recent speech discovered by Mother Jones which caught Romney on tape disparaging  the 47  % of non-income-tax-paying Americans as worthless, free-loading scum,  “his comments to the Lions may come back to haunt him as well,” says David Corn of Mother Jones.

David Corn, Mother Jones Magazine

“The following is part of the transcript,” says Corn:

(((WHITE POWER!!!!!)))


(((WHITE POWER!!!!!!!!!!)))


(((((WHITE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))

“Fellow Lions…..I look around you today and I see names tags w/ proud names like Schmidt…..and Schultz……and Hofmeyer…..and Deitz…..and SO!…..MANY!….MORE!…. PROUD!…. ARYAN NAMES!!!!!!  LET ME HEAR YOU SAY…..WHITE POWER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(((((((((((WHITE POWER!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))

“We all know that this fine city of Davenport, Iowa is home to a majority of German descendants who came to this great land of liberty from your OWN great land of liberty….the Fatherland….WHITE POWER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

((((((WHITE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))))))

“I mean, why’s everybody dogging on Hitler?  He wasn’t such a bad guy.  I would’ve had a beer with him.”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!))), laughs the crowd of an estimated two thousand Lion’s Club members.

“You came here on boats with only your hopes, dreams, and a little change in your pockets hoping to find freedom…..freedom to grow your own crops, tend to your own cattle, chickens, and sheep…. build your own businesses, raise a family with fine, strapping, blond-haired, blue eyed boys named Rolf, Klaus, Wolfgang, and Dietrich…..and carve out a piece of your GREAT AMERICAN DREAM!!!!!!! LET ME HEAR YOU SAY……………..WHITE POWER !!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(((((WHITE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))

Governor Romney reacts to a convention comedian who jokes about how many Jews it takes to screw in a light bulb…..in an oven

(at this point in the speech, Romney–with the aid of Google Translate–began to speak briefly to his audience in their native tongue.)

“Mitlandsmänner, MÜSSEN wir unsere Länder vom Schädlinge Juden zurücknehmen. Wir müssen unsere Schulen zurücknehmen….unsere Straßen….unsere Kirchen….unsere Geschäfte… unsere Lebensunterhalt….aber am allermeisten….WIR MÜSSEN UNSERE BÄNKE ZURÜCKNEHMEN! WEISSE ENERGIE!”


“Wir müssen Arme aufnehmen und unserLand zurücknehmen….FÖDERATIV UND ZURÜCKNEHMEN DIE RESERVEN VOM JUDEN BERNANKE!!!!”



“Ja taten meine Mitlandsmänner …… Ihre Vorfahren gutes in Deutschland und in Polen…, aber Sie müssen DAS JOB-RECHT HIER IN DEN VEREINIGTEN STAATEN DER FREIHEIT UND DER FREIHEIT BEENDEN!!!!!”


“We were able to find someone who speaks German,” said Corn, “who roughly translated what you just heard into the following”:

“Fellow countrymen, we MUST take back our lands from the vermin Jew.  We must take back our schools….our streets….our churches….our businesses…our very livelihoods….but most of all….WE MUST TAKE BACK OUR BANKS!!!!”

(((((WHITE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))

Subtle images such as this one outside the Romney rally may end up getting the Presidential candidate into hot water

“We must take up arms and take back our country….AND TAKE BACK THE FEDERAL RESERVE FROM THE JEW BERNANKE!!!!!!”


“Yes my fellow countrymen……your ancestors did good in Germany and Poland…but you must FINISH THE JOB RIGHT HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF FREEDOM AND LIBERTY!!!!!”


Asked for comment once the content of the speech was made public, the Republican Presidential candidate says the speech was grossly mistranslated and taken completely out of context…that Mother Jones is a left-leaning magazine which only made about 35 percent of the speech available and that the rest of it is talking about how great Jews are, how thrifty they are with money, etc.

“As for the crazy translation you heard, I was actually complimenting Jews for their resourcefulness in staying alive as long as they did during the Holocaust,” says Romney.

Karl Rove, who initially criticized Romney for this speech says that in many ways it should help jump start his campaign for the millions who have been waiting for him to get more direct with his message and more passionate about the issues that matter to him and millions of Americans such as the economy, balancing the budget, white power, Nazism, and a bloated government.

Fried Chicken, Freedom, Semen, Queers, and the Corpse of Ronald Reagan

Nothing speaks to freedom more than red, white, and blue balloons

This year’s Republican Convention in Tampa was an event for the ages.  The stars came out like never before with some of the biggest names in the music and movie industries, such as Pat Boone, The Oak Ridge Boys, Lynard Skynard, Larry the Cable Guy and Jamie “Klinger” Farr making an appearance and thrilling delegates like Bert and Ernie Crotchrot of Macon, Mississippi.

Ernie kisses wife Bert, who is also his mother, at the Republican convention

“I saw the Oak Ridge Boys, Lynard Skyard, and my all time favorite singer Pat Boone,”said an overly excited  Bert Crotchrot.  Boone headlined the second day’s events  by serenading the 80-plus crowd with his last major hit, 1957’s “I Don’t Want Your Pussy {Cat}.”

Who needs Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio when you have “Mr. Whitebucks”.
Boone appearing at the convention in his favorite shirt before heading back to his suite at the Hilton Garden Inn to have sex with underage boys.

“People make fun of us,” said Bert’s husband, Ernie, “but we’ve got Boone,   Meatloaf, Pat Sajak, and George Hamilton and all the other side has is George Clooney, Bruce Springsteen, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio.  What a bunch of losers,” Crotchrot added with glee.

But the biggest buzz of the event came when the corpse of Ronald Reagan put in an appearance  for the third Republican Convention in a row–this time in the form of washed-up actor Jon Voight.

The corpse of Ronald Reagan appearing as Jon Voight this year….who appears stunned and pissed in this photo when told the Georgia mountain hillbillies never really wanted to cornhole him up the ass in Deliverance preferring Ned Beatty all along.

“The place went nuts when The Gipper showed up,” said Max Santorum of Buttlick, Oklahoma.  “He might have looked like Jon Voight but we all knew who he was.  That walk, that look, and that teflon smile….all unmistakably Reagan, said Santorum.

“And then when he got up there and said, It’s morning in America again, well, that just brought the house down,” added Santorum.

“Four years ago it was Clint Eastwood who appeared as the corpse of Ronald Reagan,” said Republican Convention spokesperson and organizer, Claude Balls.  “But this year he appeared as a crazed and blabbering, senile old man who talked to a chair.  We knew he couldn’t possibly be Ronald Reagan if he was blabbering and senile,” added Balls.  “Next year we hope to have Wayne Newton appear as Ronald Reagan. But if we’re REALLY lucky, we can get Tom Selleck,” he added.

Freedom isn’t free. And these beauts were purchased for only 149.95 at Payless Shoe Stores in Lawton, Oklahoma.

This year’s convention was dominated by hot topics such as fried chicken, semen, queers, and freedom/9-11 which we discussed with some of the delegates.

“Sir?” I asked a Mississippi delegate. “I understand the idea has come up to serve more fried chicken at future Republican conventions in an effort to reach out to minorities and draw more African Americans besides Condoleezza Rice to the convention.  Can you confirm that?”

Country First….expresses this fucking old whore who still thinks McCain is running

“Yes…it’s our understanding that negroes like fried chicken,” said the Mississippi delegate.

“Well, first of all….you do know that the term negro is no longer considered acceptable. And, second, where did you get your information  on the fried chicken thing?”

“We obtained that information from the website http://www.whitepower.com which also referred to these people as negroes which means it must be okay.”

“Why there’s Patricia Heaton of Everybody Loves Raymond fame!  Excuse me….MS HEATON!  MS. HEATON!!”

“Yes?  How are you?”

“Good, Ms. Heaton…and it’s good to see you here at the Republican Convention again. I just had a couple of quick questions:  Do you think the fact that you’re a crazed, irrational, glassy-eyed anti abortionist has anything to do with the fact that your career has tanked and you’re now simply regarded as a fucking whackjob?

Patricia Heaton says you men out there may be tempted to whack off to her tits….but you would be killing semen if you do and for that you will very likely burn in semen-killing hell which is why she wears this cross between her tits in order to make you men out there, including me, less likely to whack off to her tits.

“Well, I haven’t really given it much thought….but you may have a point.”

“We at SPB have learned that you’re now championing a crusade called Semen is Life…what exactly do you mean by that?”

“Well, our organization believes that life begins at the male ejaculation stage and we, therefore, believe that unless semen is being ejaculated to conceive life, it should not be ejaculated at all.”

“Hmmm…really?  Does that include jerking off.”


“So you don’t believe men should jerk off in the interest of not misusing semen?”

“Yes…that’s exactly what we believe.  Every time you or any other man jerks off, you’re sending semen to its death.  We don’t believe in that which is why we believe President Obama is a socialist and is not from this earth.”

“Excuse me Ms. Heaton….I have to ask a question of this couple from Salt Lake City, Utah.  Can I get your names please?”

“Yes, I’m Donny Osmond and this is my wife Marie.”

“Mr. and Ms. Osmond….queers have been a hot topic at this year’s convention.  How do you feel about queers having gay sex?”

“Well, we would be against that of course,” said Donny Osmond.

“Yea, but what if that homo sex was something you were totally oblivious to and taking place thousands of miles from your home, in the privacy of someone else’s home, behind closed doors?”

“We would still be against it,” chimed in Marie Osmond.

“Say Marie, would you suck my dick if it was clean?”
“Why of course not Donny….that would be very un-Mormon like.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA….Donny you’re such a cut-up.”

“That’s right,” added her husband.  “We’re against anything that we don’t know about in a place that we’re not aware of involving people we don’t know.”

“But we definitely believe in freedom,” added his wife.

“Speaking of which, who do you believe will be better for freedom:  Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?”

“We, of course, believe Mitt Romney, when he’s elected President, will give us back the freedom that Barack Obama has taken away from us ever since 9-11,” said Mr. Osmond.


“Freedom began on 9-11 and we believe that freedom will be restored in America if we have another 9-11  and we believe there’s a much greater chance of having another 9-11 under a President Romney,” said Marie Osmond.

“Then and only then will we get our country back,” said Donny Osmond.

“Well, how does God feel about the fact that you as a Mormon are fucking your sister?” I asked Donny.

“God is very forgiving….especially to us members of the Church of Latter Day Saints.”

This is SPB reporting from the Republican Convention in Tampa, Fl.

Former Presidents Bush and Reagan, and their respective wives, give the thumbs up for Mitt Romney.