Tag Archives: Michele Bachmann

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

Bill Proposed Limiting God Worship to Republicans

If the Republicans have their way they will soon be the only people in America allowed to worship God.

A bill co-sponsored by Presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann (MN) and by Rep. Louie Gohmert(TX) will be voted on by the House in September and is expected to pass by a wide majority.

Bachmann is thrilled at the prospect of God being officially owned by Republicans

Bill co-sponser, Louie Gohmert: "God is as Republican as apple pie and baseball."

“It has been clear for two thousand years that no one can come to the Father except through Republicans,” said Rep.  Bachmann.  “Now the time has come to make it official.”

“Of course the bill still has to pass in the Senate,” said Gohmert, “which will be tougher.  But we expect to get the support we need from good Democrats such as Senators Lieberman, Nelson, and a few others all of who, because of their support, will be exempt from this law.”

Tea Party Patriots will also be excluded from the law as will extremist right-wing fascists who conform to the Republican American ways of thinking.

“It’s about time somebody in Washington D.C. took action,” said Texas Governor and Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry.

A spokesperson for Perry said  the Governor would like to take the law one step further to include having God’s name changed to “Gawd” to reflect how the majority of Republicans pronounce the deity’s name.

"God" will soon be "Gawd" if soon-to-be President Rick Perry has his way. "Under my Presidency, punishment for any Democrat caught worshiping Gawd will range from incarceration for first-time offenders to the death penalty for repeat offenders," said Perry.

“When I become President, Republicans will worship Gawd, not God,” said Perry.

“And what do you plan to do to Democrats, non-Republican thinking Independents, and other non-Republican persons if they’re caught worshiping Gawd“? I asked Governor Perry.

“Well, let em just try it,” said the cowboy President-to-be.  “I once shot a coyote while on my morning jog.  Does that answer your question?”

White House spokesperson, Jay  Carney says President Obama plans to fight this law tooth and nail.

“President Obama feels all Americans should have equal rights to worship God and he will do everything he can to make sure this bill doesn’t pass….unless, of course, he meets resistance at which time he will vacillate in as dignified a manner as possible,” said Carney.

“The President may have to concede on this issue for bigger fights that lay ahead… which he will wage by waffling under any pressure or resistance from Republicans,” added Carney.

For her part, Rep Bachmann is already making big plans if and when this legislation is passed.

“We hope to have the Republican symbol changed from the elephant to the image of God himself,” said Bachmann.

“But there IS no image of God,” I reminded Rep. Bachmann.

“Well we’ll probably just use Ronald Reagan then,” she said without missing a beat.

Our Father

We Have Met the Enemy….and She is Us

Bachmann 2012

Michele is genuinely one of the most
Intriguing people of this
Century who
Has the capacity to bring joy to
Everyone in this
Little old world of ours through
Everything that she does and from the rays of

Light that she shines
Into the night which is the
Key to
Everything she does.  And ever

Since she
Arrived on the national scene she has
Risen to unprecedented heights and she has been
A beacon of light for the
Hopeful who want so bad to be

Inspired by someone other that than the
Socialist we currently have as President because Michele is

A proud member of the land of the

Free and the home of the brave, one nation
Under god and has within her the
Character to use the
Key of righteousness to unlock the door of freedom that is
Inherent in all Americans who want
Nothing but
Glory to God in the highest and

Redemption for
Everyone who stands
Tall in
All that they do because Michele and the
Republican party shall be our
Destiny

…but, of course, none of the aforementioned could possibly be true  because…

_______ ____ _____ __ _ _______ ______ (fill in blanks with first letter of each line above).

Star Trek: Journey to the Debt Ceiling….by way of Dumbfuckistan

Enterprise on its journey to the Debt Ceiling

“Take the engines to warp speed Lt. Sulu….we MUST make it to the Debt Ceiling by 1600 hours earth time…otherwise Americans will run out of money and no longer be able to buy guns, crystal meth, or even cheap Wal-Mart shit-ware made in China. ”

"Warp speed Ensign Sulu."

“Good God Jim….not Wal-Mart!!”

“Yes Wal-Mart, Bones.  No stone will be left unturned…except for the wealthiest Americans of course…due to their privilege and their ability to make Americans believe they create jobs.

“Scotty…what’s the warp speed status?”

“Aye Cap’n…the ship’s  flux capacitor is on its last legs…if we push her in warp speed till 1600 hours we may not make it.  The  flux capacitor power is already half-depleted.  If we expect to make it to the Debt Ceiling we need higher taxes NOW Cap’n…HIGHER TAXES NOW!!….otherwise the old girl’s gonna blow!”

The crew of the Enterprise on its most ominous mission yet

“Bones….what d’you think?”

“Goddamn Jim, I’m a doctor and a human…not a fucking Republican!!”

“Captain!”

“What is it Lt. Jerkoff?”

“I’m receiving warning signals that we’re about to pass through the neutral zone of Dumbfuckistan where its inhabitants, the Republicans, are planning an attack to stop us from reaching the Debt Ceiling.”

“Okay…what do we know about their leader?”

Leader Bachmann

“She’s worse than a Kling-On Captain….her name is Bachmann  and she’s a ruthless, wide-eyed monster and a crazed evangelical  married to a pasty, fat dough-boy named Marcus Homo-Erection who’s the leader of a death squad of gay evangelicals who are in charge of exterminating gays and non-evangelicals.”

Behind the pasty smile is the evil of Evangelical death squad leader, Marcus Homo-Erection

“Get their leader Bachmann on the monitor”

“Aye Captain.”

“This is Captain James T. Kirk.  Who are you?”

“I am Leader Michele Bachmann of the planet Dumbfuckistan.  I order you to end your journey to the Debt Ceiling….otherwise you will be destroyed.”

“What is it that you want Leader Bachmann?”

“We of Dumbfuckistan want to destroy  America and its ungodly ways of life.  And after our conquest, we shall move in and turn America into another Dumbfuckistan full of nothing but rigid, white, Christian Evangelicals who are intolerant of all other ways of life but ours.”

Engineer Scott attempts to repair the Flux Capacitor

“Captain…”

“Yes Spock?”

“What Leader Bachmann plans is illogical Captain.”

“How’s that Spock?”

“America is ALREADY how Leader Bachmann envisions it to be. There is nothing to change.   Therefore, her reasoning is illogical.”

“Can you conduct one of your special Vulcan mind melds on Bachmann in order to find out for sure?”

“Illogical Captain”

“DON’T GIVE ME THAT YOU POINTY-EARED FREAK!”

“Illogical, Capt., because one must have a brain in order for the Vulcan mind meld to work successfully.  Those of Dumbfuckistan do not have minds to meld.”

Marcus Homo-erection readies his horn to ram up Captain Kirk’s poop-chute

“My apologizes, Spock, for that last comment.”

“Apologies are illogical Captain.”

“CAP’N !! We’ve raised taxes and the flux capacitor is now completely operational!  It’s full speed ahead to the Debt Ceiling!”

“We shall destroy you if you pass through Dumbfuckistan’s neutral zone Captain Kirk.”

“What do I do Captain?”

“Full speed ahead Lt. Sulu.”

As the Starship Enterprise crew ventures into its most dangerous voyage yet, many questions remain:

Will they make it to the Debt Ceiling?

Will they save America?

Is America worth saving? (probably not)

Will Marcus Homo-Erection finally get his pasty, white rump poked by the man of his dreams, Mitch McConnell?

Join us next episode to find out.

Family Values Feud !!!

Ladies and gentlemen get ready cause it’s time to play……THE FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!!!

Family Values Feud, where  one family values team does battle with another over a hot button family values issue!

Now here’s your host……POPE BENEDICT XVI !!!!

Pope "Ben" Benedict

“HI LADIES AND GERMS!”

((hahahahahahahahaahahahaha))!!!!

“Are you ready to play  Family Values Feud!?!?!?!?!?!”

((YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA))!!!

“…THEN LET’S GO !!!  On my right, say hello to Team Bachmann Family Values made up of Republican Presidential candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich…”

((WOO WOO WOO))) ((APPLAUSE))) !!

“….and on my left, it’s the Team Pawlenty Family Values with Republican Presidential candidates, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney !!!”

((Clap clap clap clap))!! ((yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa))!

“Are we ready? !  Then LET’S GO !!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, our category tonight is PRO LIFE !!!  Which team is most Pro-Life?  We have a series of question for each team from tonight’s Pro-Life category.  By the end of the show we’ll know who’s most Pro-Life and, thus, who is the most American.”

“Let’s start with Team Pawlenty….Team Pawlenty, who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Claims he was Pro-Life before Pro-Life was Pro-Life

Pawlenty:  “Uhh, well, I was Pro Life before Pro Life became cool.”

Perry:  “I love life…course, I also love death given that I’m responsible for more executions in my state than all others combined…and to do that you have to love it.  But I think I love life a little bit more than I love death.  Especially when an election is coming up.”

Rick Perry is Pro Life a wee bit more than he is Pro Death

Romney:  “I’m absolutely, without question Pro Life…at least I think I am.  Of course you may have evidence that suggests otherwise….but let me just tell you that I was for life before I was against life.”

Pope Ben:  “Okay….now the same questions goes to Team Bachmann!  Team Bachmann…Who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Santorum:  “I’m so Pro Life that I’ve refrained from any sort of sex in order to not waste my jism and thus kill life.  Of course, my wife has also refused to have any sort of sex with me for the last 25 years which has made such refraining more sustainable.”

Rick Santorum decks out for Family Values Feud

Gingrich: “I’ve left two wives to have affairs and I’m probably going to leave my current wife as soon as I can find someone who’s crazy enough to have an affair with me…so yes, I’m pro wife.”

Gingrich is more Pro Wives than he is Pro Life...but only by a nose

Pope Ben:  “Mr. Gingrich, I said “PRO LIFE.”

Gingrich:  “Ahh, well I’m that too.”

Bachmann:  “Well, I was Pro Life before I was even alive and my mother was just as Pro Life and chose life for me despite the fact that I was born a serious mental retard which has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”

Pope Ben: “ladies and gentlemen, the 1st round goes to….TEAM BACHMANN!”

“Okay, Team Bachmann leads as we head into round 2.  Our next Pro Life question is this:  Do you jerk off…and if so, what do you do afterwards?”

“Team Bachmann….you’re first.”

Gingrich:  “I only jerk off between wives…and even then I only did it in such a way as to not hurt anyone….especially the great people of America because I’ve always thought I put America first ahead of jerking off which is why I believe I’m most qualified to be President of this great country of ours.  And even when I did jerk off, I would always pray immediately after.”

Bachmann:  “What’s jerking off?”

Santorum: “Yes, I currently jerk off at least nine times a day, sometimes more, in my effort to bring life into this world and, of course, I always try to save my jizz so as not to destroy life.  There have been times, however, when my semen inadvertently gets away from me and gets stuck between the pages of the Playgirl…err, I mean the Playboy I just happen to be reading at the time.”

Pope Ben:  and Team Pawlenty?”

Perry:  “I jerk of as much as I want because it’s my right as an American and they can take away my jerking off when they pry my pecker from the grips of my cold dead fingers….especially those on my left hand.”

Pawlenty: “I believe jerking off is a sin in the eyes of God….therefore, I refrain from such pleasurable activity no matter how many times a day my mind wanders to the images of being surrounded by naked,  young choir boys between the ages of 10 through 13.”

Romney:  Of course everyone knows I was for jerking off before I was against it and now I’m either for it or against it depending on how the most extreme elements of the Republican party feel at the moment about jerking off…”

Pope Ben: ” And round 2 goes to……..Team Pawlenty!!!”

“Well, we have a tie folks but our final round will determined the winner.  At each of your booths you’ll find copies of Hustler or Playgirl opened to the most explicit pages.  Now then, your reaction to those explicit pages will be measured by my assistant, Vanna, and that measurement will determine how Pro Life you are.  The group with the most positive measurements wins today’s Family Values Feud.  So….HERE WE GO!  Vanna, please take the measurements.”

Vanna:  “We’re on the Team Bachmann side and it looks like Santorum with Hustler magazine has a 4″ boner which means he RESPECTS LIFE!”

((APPLAUSE APPLAUSE))!!!!

…”however, Gingrich with Hustler magazine shows no measurement…in fact, I’m not able to detect any sign of a penis….so, HE DOES NOT RESPECT LIFE!!”

((BOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOO))!!

“and finally, Bachmann with Playgirl shows a dramatic increase in heart rate and salivation which means she DEFENDS ALL LIFE!!”

((CHEER))!!!!!

Pope Ben: “And Team Pawlenty?”

Vanna: “Well, both Perry and Pawlenty have serious erections with Playgirl…though it looks like Perry’s erection is bigger…which means neither of them respects life as much as Team Bachmann.”

((BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO))!!!

“On the other hand, Romney with Hustler shows indications that he would rather wait to have an erection until he’s able to poll whether extremist Republicans approve or disapprove of erections….suggesting he is Pro Life….or then again, maybe not.”

((BOOOOOOO))!

Pope Ben:  “Folks, we have a WINNER!!!”

((DRUM ROLL))!!

…”and today’s winner of who is more Pro Life is………..TEAM BACHMANN!!!”

Pope Ben: “Join us next week as we bring you the topic of which Republican is more revolted by the image of two men having unbridled sex….on FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!”

Coming Soon: How Much I Hate Michele Bachmann (and What I Wish to Happen to Her in all of its Gory Glory)

Here’s a taste:

I hate her so much that if she were inserted feet first in a large food processor, I would turn the switch to “puree” instead of turning it off…

….much more to come, so stay tuned….

I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her

Michele Bachmann to be Featured in Porn Magazine Layout

You'll soon be able to see her like you've never seen her before

In an effort to capitalize on her sterling performance in the recent Republican debates, which polls had her winning by a 2-1 margin over Mitt Romney, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann will pose for the September edition of Hustler Magazine.

Rep Bachmann will grace the cover of this famous mag come September....along with a special friend

The announcement was made today by the founder of Hustler, smut king Larry Flynt,  who claims to have wanted to see Bachmann naked for years and hopes her September layout will boost sales of the explicit, hardcore mag which have been in decline for years.

Hustler founder, Larry Flynt, hands out free copies of his magazine to adoring fans after leaving the White House where he was recently awarded the Medal of Freedom for lifetime achievement to the arts

There’s something incredibly sexy about seeing a fascist naked and doing lewd things,” Flynt said of Bachmann.  “It’d be like seeing Eva Braun getting fucked by a donkey.  One of my greatest regrets is the world not having had an opportunity to see that.”

Getting down with a donkey a big step up for Ms. Braun

“We think Hustler is the best way for Michele to get her views and much more out to the people,” said I. Ben Yackinoff, Bachmann’s publicist.

Bachmann and her publicist, I. Ben Yackinoff, yuk it up after announcing that she will be featured in the September edition of Hustler magazine

“We first approached ‘Barely Legal’ about getting Michele a spread in that magazine given that its readership is primarily 50 to 85-year-old men which is one of our toughest demographics.  But one of the magazine’s editors reminded us that Michele is hardly barely legal,” Yackinoff added.

“We also reached out to MILF Magazine which stands  for ‘Mothers I’d Like to Fuck,'” added Yackinoff.  “But we took a straw poll in Minnesota and it turns out that Michele ranked near the bottom of mothers men would like to fuck.  We were about to give up but then Hustler called us…just completely out of the blue.”

It so happens that Flynt, who has a well-earned reputation of being into perverse sex, actually finds Michele erotic.   Flynt told Southpaw that half of Hustler’s subscribers have extremely perverse tastes and, in a recent Hustler survey, indicated that they would likely find a layout of Michele in various sex acts with an Orangutan  extremely sexy.

….but not just ANY Orangutan….

"Rufus" will soon get the the job done w/ Michele Bachmann. And it sure beats whackin' off which is what he spends 90 % of his existence doing

On average, Orangutans have about a 3-inch schlong.  But then there’s Rufus, the Orangutan.  This freak of nature supposedly has like an eight-incher and is one horny primate.

Bachmann demonstrates her tolerance level. Boy will SHE be in for a surprise

“We expect the two of them to go to town,” Flynt said. “Can you imagine the possibilities?  A big-dick Orangutan mixing it up with a dried up, gaped-tooth skank like Bachmann.  She couldn’t BUY better publicity for her Presidential campaign.”

“And that’s precisely what we want in order to keep this publicity train rolling in our effort to thrust Representative Bachmann into the White House,” said Yackinoff.

As for Michele Bachmann, she welcomes the opportunity to get her message out to the American people….even if it comes with the hitch of having to get buck naked and get down on all fours with an Orangutan giving her “what’s fer.”

“It’s a privilege meeting the American people in whatever format that might be,” said Bachmann.  “I look forward to meeting Rufus,” she added seemingly not completely aware of what she’s in for come Hustler performance time.

As for Rufus, the big-dick Orangutan, he had no comment  other than to pick at a flea with his left paw while whacking off with the right.

Rufus as a carefree, young stud