Tag Archives: Lindsey Graham

The Shape of Things Now

by gordita

Cruz-ugly-dog

Paco the dog chews on foot before shape-shifting into something else

Hold onto your britches. With the help of my anonymous source, “Virgil” (whose spoke to me on condition that his true identity remain confidential), I have just uncovered the scoop of the decade: Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul, aka The Three, are not who they say they are. In fact, they are unlike anything you have ever imagined.

“They are shape-shifters,” says Virgil.

“Shape shifters! Can you explain what a shape-shifter is, exactly?”

“Well, in olden times,” explains Virgil, “people often changed shape to have sex…like when Zeus who took the form of a swan to get it on with Leda.”

“Ughhh. Are you going to tell me The Three change shape so they can get some action from unsuspecting women?”

“No, gordita. Sex isn’t the only reason for shape-shifting.”

“What are the other reasons?”

“Well…one key reason is artistic–the impulse to thematically connect a person’s identity with his true inner nature.”

“Huh?”

“Have you ever heard of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales?”

I scratch my head. If I say, no, will Virgil think I am an idiot? I wonder.

“In Tanglewood Tales,” says Virgil, “Hawthorne retells the story of Circe but in Hawthorne’s version, instead of transforming all of Odysseus’ crew into swine, Circe transforms each of the men into the animal he most resembles.”

“Interesting. So are you saying that Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are all in the process of transforming into animals that they most resemble?”

“Oh ho, gordita! You have it exactly backwards! What is happening is that The Three are animals who have transformed themselves into the Senators they most resemble!”

“Er….what animal did each of them used to be?”

“Well, Senator Cruz used to be this ….”

Rafael the cat

Rafael the cat

“… but his cat identity was not nearly pussy enough so he reinvented himself as this.”

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted “Pussy Face” Cruz

“Rafael the cat chose specifically to be Senator Ted Cruz?”

“Yep. Rafael could have been anybody, gordita. But Senator Cruz was the ideal personification of who he truly was.”

“A pussy face….”

“A real, honest to goodness pussy face. And a mean one at that. The meanest ever.”

“What about Lindsey Graham?”

“This guy?”

toad2

Mister Toad

“Lindsey Graham was Mr. Toad?!?!?!?”

“Yes, but as a toad, he was just not toady enough. So he became Senator Graham.”

“Okay, Virgil. I am getting the idea. So wait a minute…don’ tell me yet what animal Rand Paul was. Let me guess.”

“Sure.”

“Was he this?”

...

Vicious hyena

“No.”

“This maybe?”

weasel

Rabid weasel

“No.”

“How about this?”

...

“Nope.”

“What was he then?”

“Do you see Paco the dog at the top of this blog post?”

“Whoa!!! He’s hideous! As a senator, he represents the hideous Tea Party. Is that the thematic connection?

“No, gordita. Not everything is as complicated as you make it out to be. Rand Paul is simply a malevolent, mangy, wire-haired cur.”

“Hmmmm. I have one more question before we finish this interview.”

“Yes?”

“Whenever we see The Three, Kelly Ayotte always seems to be nearby. Is Kelly Ayotte a shape-shifter too?”

“Yeah, she’s a shape-shifter all right–the best there has ever been.”

“Who or what was she before she became Senator Ayotte?”

“Take a guess.”

summerseve

My Predictions for 2011….and They Ain’t Pretty

2011 promises to be a fine year…with a number of certainties or near-certainties, to include…

…Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, a woman trapped in a man’s body for his entire adult life will use campaign funds to finally realize his sex change….becoming “Midge” McConnell…

…Eric Cantor ditches his wife of a number of years to say “I do” to his true love, Kevin Federline (whom he met at a Britney Spears concert in D.C. two years ago)…

Cantor demonstrates what he wants out of life

Kevin, since leaving Britney, has put on the fat that Eric loves

…Clarence Thomas and Michael Steele revive the roles of the famous 50’s comic duo of Amos and Andy as they bring the these lovable characters to the big screen.  Here’s a clip from the new show with Thomas playing the fat guy and Steele playing the skinny, weasely guy:

…concurrently, Jim DeMint will realize HIS lifelong dream by playing his boyhood idol, Al Jolson, in the Columbia, South Carolina theater production of  “The Good Ol’ Days….When Negros Knew Their Place, and We Knew Ours.”

DeMint in "black face" with Al Jolson on the right

…Jon Kyl and Jeff Sessions will have butt sex…..again (nothing new here except for the fact that they move their “action” to Sessions Senate office).

"Will you wear the thong I gave you tonight, for me?"

…through with politics (or politics through with her), Christine O’Donnell’s ass will become as big as a barn as she won’t be able to stop eating in 2011.

:

Favorite foods:

this.....and....

...that

…new Tea Party members of Congress will get busted for organizing pee parties (previously known as “golden showers”) and attempt to justify their actions by claiming to be “pissed off” at politics as usual…

"Ah hereby offer mah support fo the Pee Par...err, ah mean, TEA PARTY!"

…in death, Ronald Reagan will continue to make more of a post-Presidential difference than in life…

…after a grueling election loss in Nevada, Sharron Angle will recharge her batteries with a six-week vacation to her native Uranus….

Better to have Sharron in Uranus than my anus

…Republican Mike Pence will be made an honorary Brownie Scout for all of his behind-the-scenes work with little girls (he will also be arrested for all of his “behind the scenes” work with little girls)….

…Glenn Beck will have penis enlargement surgery to increase his size from two to three inches…

…Disgraced Senator Larry Craig will be back in the public eye with a new singing trio known as the “Smoking Poles” that includes Lindsey Graham and Mark Foley.  Craig will sing baritone and play the skin flute, Graham will play the gristle whistle, while Foley will go solo on the schlong dong.  The trio already has a hit record on Capitol Hill Records, “Bend Over Rover…and let Boner Come Over”…dedicated to John Boehner…

…and speaking of the new Speaker,   in an effort to prevent a law from passing that will prevent millions of poor children in America from going hungry and dying of malnutrition,  Boehner will carry out the first-ever “crying” filibuster  and plans to cry for a straight 16 hours…

…word will get out that Texas Governor Rick Perry wears women’s lingerie…which somehow makes him even MORE popular in Texas…

Underneath that manly man are some of Victoria's best Secrets

…Haley Barbour will admit to the worst kept secret in recent history…that he is Grand Dragon of a resurgent KKK…

...uh, make that the Grand "DRAGON"

The worst things to ever have been introduced in America: 1.) New Coke, 2.) AIDS, 3.) Sarah Palin, and 4.) Christianity....not in that particular order (3 of 4 are still with us and 3 of 4 are a cancer)

…and Sarah Palin will continue to prosper thanks to her proud citizenship of the dumbest industrialized nation on earth…

Your predictions?

David Vitter Honored as a Certified Pussy

As featured "Pussy of the Year," Louisiana, David Vitter poses for "Fat Pussy Gazette"

U.S.  Senator David Vitter (AB/DL R-LA) was honored by the Louisiana Jaycees as “Pussy of the Year” which now qualifies  him to compete in the upcoming “Pussy of the Deep South” Competition.

“This is an incredible honor.  It’s one thing to simply be a pussy,” said Vitter, a self-described pudgy, pasty-white, love-handled, fat dough boy who loves the lord his savior in the most effeminate fashion possible. “But it’s really something to be chosen as ‘Pussy of the Year’ in mah great state,” said the fat pussy.  “I’m just thrilled they chose me for such an honor given how many fat pussies there are in this state.”

Pussy of the Year, Louisiana, David Vitter demonstrates his best Nazi salute

When asked his chances to win “Pussy of the Deep South,” Vitter said, “Beyond my wildest dreams.  Ah am still savoring this award and plan to celebrate by going back to mah office, closing the door, and fondling myself underneath the desk to Internet porn and afterwards I will call mah minister to tell him what a fine service he gave on Sunday….and then ah will call  mah wife and tell her how much ah adore her before I get the urge again to get mah nut off at which point a simple call to 1-900-bustyporkers will bring a plumpster right to my doorstep which should do the trick–no pun intended hahahahaha.”

“He’s always been such a pussy and ah am so proud of him, ” said Vitter’s third grade teacher (retired), Mrs. Crabapple.   “Ah just knew that one day he would grow up to be a big pussy.”

“He’s a pussy off the old block….or should I say, a chip off the old pussy,” said his H.S. football coach, Curly Pubes.   “David went out for football in 9th grade, cried before he could even get his jersey on, and quit after two minutes of practice.  What an incredible pussy he was.  I’ll never forget the welts on that pussy’s fat ass from all the towel snapping he had to endure.  And did he man  up and handle it?  Fuck no.  He ratted out every last one of the guys who snapped his ass as good as any pussy I’ve ever seen.  Yep, there’s never been another pussy to walk these hallways like David.”

Vitter accepts his "Pussy of the Year" award from another pussy

“Pussy of the Deep South” competition begins in September.   Competition will be be stiff (definitely no pun intended).   Besides Vitter, perrenial favorite Lindsey Graham (R-SC) will be back to compete as well as Jeff Sessions (R-AL), Saxby Chambliss and all the other Republican legislators from Georgia, Lamar Alexander (R-TN), and Trent Lott (R-MS, retired).  The winner of the “Pussy of the Deep South” award will go on to compete at the national level where fat-assed pussies Joe Lieberman (I-CT), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and James Inhofe (R-OK) are expected to be the ones to beat.

Cross-dressing pussy, Lindsey Graham, knows he is facing an uphill battle against a pussy who shits in his diapers

James Inofe: “I Was Sexually Molested….as an Adult….Most Recently Just Last Week as a Matter of Fact

Oklahoma Gal-boy and sexual molestation victim, James Inofe

In a stunning revelation,  ultra conservative lawmaker and avowed racist, Oklahoma Senator James Inofe, told fellow Republicans today that he has been repeatedly sexually molested….as a adult….while in the U.S. Senate mostly….and just the other day was the recent occasion.

“I was sexually molested…yes….just last week, in fact, in the Republican section of the Senate steam room,” revealed Inofe.  “In fact, pretty much every time I go in there I manage to get sexually man-handled and it’s left me deeply traumatized.  Each Friday evening after work I go to the Senate steam room and receive additional sexual trauma and it’s really beginning to leave me scarred,” added Inofe.

“I have some idea of who they are because it’s usually the same group of Republican guys who join up in a circle that invariably ends up including me,” said Inofe when asked by Southpaw whether or not he could identify the culprits since his sexual molestation seems to be, now, a regularly-scheduled event.

(blanked-out face of a James Inofe molester):

Senator Jeff Sessions

“What you’re describing, Senator Inofe, is alarmingly similar to what the Urban Dictionary describes as a ‘circle jerk,'” Southpaw said to the senior Senator from Oklahoma.

“I’ve no idea what they call it…all I know is it’s ritualistic, demeaning, and makes me feel like less of a Oklahoma manly-man,” said Inofe.

“I’m sorry Senator but it’s simply not plausible that you could not know who the people are whom, you say, force you to engage in group sex every Friday in the Senate steam room.”

(Another blanked-out face of a James Inofe molester):

Senator John Cornyn...strapping Texas Circle-Jerker

“What are you, some sort of liberal?” demanded Inofe.  “All I know is I’m traumatized and I plan to go back every Friday evening for further sexual humiliation until I get to the bottom of all of this anguish.”

When asked how long this has been going on, Inofe told Southpaw…”It’s all right in my new autobiography, ‘This is it.'”

When reminded that “This is it” is the same name as Michael Jackson’s extravagant last tour and album before his death, Inofe’s response was, “Michael who?”

(Yet another blanked-out face of a James Inofe molester):

Circle Jerk leader, Senator Lindsey Graham

“Ahem…Well can you at least tell us how many Republican senators are involved in these emasculating Friday-night rituals?” asked Southpaw, getting back to the topic at hand.

“Who said they were Republicans?” countered the Oklahoma Senator.  “And who said anything about emasculating?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, you did, Senator,” replied Southpaw.

(Still another blanked-out face of a James Inofe molester):

As yet unidentified Republican molester

“Get the fuck out of my office!” shouted Inhofe at an utterly perplexed Southpaw.

All alone, Senator Inhofe logged on to his computer and opened www.urbandictionary.com.  Slowly he read all 52 depraved entries on “circle jerk,” reliving again and again and again the horror of his repeated sexual degradations and humiliations.  Hours later, completely spent, the Senator turned off the light in his office and, mourning his lost innocence, headed for the Senate steam room.

Some depraved contributors to the Urban Dictionary

The Lieberman Agenda

Joe’s daily Senatorial Obstruction Schedule:

7:00 “Coffee” ((and other “things”)) with Lindsey at an undisclosed location

7:30 Continue plotting stages of plan of revenge against Democrats for previous perceived slights

8:00 Laugh it up with Mitch McConnell and John McCain in the Senate corridors in full view of as many Democrats as possible

8:30 Meet with Washington Post reporter and declare that I’m against whatever the President is for regardless of what it is and whether or not I’m fundamentally against it or not

9:00 Mid-morning coffee with Lindsey and Jeff Sessions (and then “private” meeting with Lindsey after Jeff leaves)

10:00 Meeting with Republicans to discuss Filibuster and other ways we can desperately stop the government from helping people

11:00 Quick mid-morning nap followed by formal revenge against another Democrat by voting against a bill he’s sponsoring that I would otherwise support

12:00 Lunch and nap with, who else? Lindsey

1:00 Get someone back….preferably a Democrat

1:30 Monitor the blogs, i.e., HuffingtonPost and enjoy seeing how everyone hates me

2-5 p.m. Revenge revenge revenge against anyone who has ever slighted me or laughed at me to include all Democrats”

5 p.m to whenever: Dinner and whatever happens with the one person in this world who understands my need to obstruct: Lindsey Graham

Success Is Not An Option

Republican men ONLY meeting…

..8 a.m., March 19, 2010:
Senator Mitch McConnell:

Friendly enough in this snapshot....but a real f**ker behind the scenes

“Men….please sit down….you too Lindsey. This is probably our last chance to make life saving care for millions of Americans fail and we gotta do it by Sunday so count on sleeping here in Senate chambers this weekend….”

“But Senator, I have tickets to see Brittney Spears this Saturday night and…”

“Ok Lindsey…you go right ahead and go to your little concert while America explodes.”

“Ok, I’ll be here,” says Lindsey sheepishly.

This is what I want and this is how long I want it...and I want it NOW!, demands Lindsey

“Gentlemen…cancel your weddings, your dinner parties, your bar mitzvahs, funerals, births, everything. If you can crawl, I need you here to make America fail, do you understand?

“YES SIR!!!”

“Men….life as we know it hangs in the balance this weekend. Success is NOT an option here. We must make America fail, gentlemen, or we won’t have a failed America to come back to Monday morning.
So what’s it gonna be….success or failure???

“(((Failure))),” in unison.

“I CAN’T HEEEAAAR YOU!!!”

“((((FAILURE!!!!!!!))))

“Thank you gentlemen. Remember…31 million Americans depend on us to to keep them from having health care and for us to make them worse than they already are…..If not for yourself…….do it for them dammit. Do it for little Jimmy in Beaver Flats, Mississippi who’s not able to go to school because he’s too sick. Gentlemen, reach down and help make Jimmy worse. What’d you SAY ???

“SIR YES SIR!!”

McConnell and Boehner hide their excitement about men-only, Sunday-night sleepover behind folded hands and a stack of handouts

Fresh out of obstacles and no answers for the CBO results, Rep. Boehner is despondent in this a.m. and sits in office, drink in hand, “pining for the fjords”. His trusty second, Eric Cantor, is by his side….as always….

“I don’t know what to do anymore Eric,” says John. “I’m losing my obstruction mojo. Lately, I don’t even want to get up in the morning to start obstructing because I just don’t see any obstructions on the horizon..”

“Don’t get down baby,” Eric consoled his long-time friend. “Your obstruction days are far from over. I see so many great obstructions in your future.”

“Oh I don’t know my loving friend….

I’m no longer confident.”

“John I have something here that will make you feel better”

“A PRESENT !! Oh Eric you shouldn’t have. What is it?”

“Open it up and see”

((riiippp))

“Why Eric….it’s a ticket to 10 obstructions to be used throughout the year…((sob))…”I don’t know what to say”

“Well, for starters John….why don’t you just tell me you love me”

“Oh Eric….do I really need to say that?”

“I love to hear it John…”

“Then baby….I love you!”

.(what happened next, I’m afraid, does not bear repeating here…but keep in mind….they had been drinking…)

…to be cont.”

The Health Care Summit Scandal

At today’s (2/25/10) Health Care Summit, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner were pulling their usual obstructionist shenanigans but after only an hour or so of this, the two rumored lovers were seen ducking out of the main ballroom hand in hand.

A witness, who refused to be identified, reported that he saw the two slip out the front door and into a waiting cab.

“They were really moving fast,” said the unidentified witness….”like they didn’t want anyone to see them.  All I saw was them holding hands which, until today, I’d never seen two men do.  Personally, I find it repulsive….but there was something nice about this because you could just tell that the two were really in love.”

The cabbie who identified himself as Piyush Jindal (no relation to the Louisiana Gov) claimed to have taken the U.S. Representative and Senator to the Renaissance Hotel in downtown D.C. and said he had never seen such affection between two men.                                            

Piyush, during happier times, on day he got new cab

“Hey, I don’t want to get too personal here but these guys really messed up the back of my f**king cab.  And the f**king thing is, they were only back there for maybe 15 f**king minutes…..motherf**kers.  I get so f**king sick of motherf**kers  messing up my f**king cab.”

The Renaissance Hotel doorman, also refusing to be identified, did tell us that this wasn’t the first time that Boehner and McConnell have come through the hotel’s front doors together.

“Hell no this isn’t the first time. I’ve seen those guys probably a dozen times in the last couple months.  But not just them.  I’ve seen McConnell check in with that Cantor guy, the Senator from South Carolina…what’s his name?  Lindsey Graham.  I’ve also seen him come through here with some pretty young guys….I mean guys that couldn’t be over 19 or 20.”

“What were they doing up there?  F**k if I know…..and I tell you what….I don’t wanna know.  All I know is they’re there…up there in room 69, and I’m here….and that’s the way I want it to stay.”

McConnell, a reported pedophile and sexual predator from the sexual predator capital of the U.S., Kentucky, has been a U.S. Senator since 1984 representing the state where pedophilia has been legal since the official church in Kentucky recognized it as a appropriate way of letting off steam.  McConnell is also reportedly a member of the René Guyon Society that is said to advocate sexual relationships with children.  Their motto is “Sex before eight or else it’s too late.”