Tag Archives: Ken Cuccinelli

Cucci Coo

by gordita

Notwithstanding the Supreme Court’s landmark decision in Lawrence v. Texas striking down Texas’ and other states’ sodomy laws, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli is adamant that Virginia’s sodomy law is still needed to protect the morals of the citizens.

Cuccinelli

Ken “the Cootch” Cuccinelli

This has led to an interesting mesh of laws.  It is not a felony in Virginia to have sexual intercourse with a consenting minor over the age of 15. However, as Cuccinelli construes the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law, it is a felony to commit sodomy with any person under 18.*

But there is more. In Virginia, it is a felony to solicit someone to commit a felony.   So when 47-year-old Scott McDonald asked a 17-year-old female to give him oral sex (a felonious act of sodomy, according to Cuccinelli), he ran afoul of the state solicitation law. McDonald could have had intercourse with the seventeen-year-old without a problem (given that state laws making fornication punishable by a $250 fine are unenforced). But just talking with the young woman about a blow job landed him in jail and on the state’s sex offender registry.

CuccinelliPoster

Horrors!

“How does this make sense?” I ask.

“The rules in Virginia are simple and easy to follow. If you ask a minor to gobble the goop, do the loop-de-loop, do a lickety split, or let you take a trip up Bosco Boulevard, you will do time.”

“But if you actually HAVE sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old, it’s okay.”

“Yes.”

“Is group sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old okay too?” I ask.

“The state has no problem with a coochie-coo choo-choo…just keep the train out of the fudge tunnel…and don’t go to the dining car.”

fudge

No Tunnel of Fudge cake allowed in the Cuccinelli household

“Mr. Cuccinelli, all of this still sounds confusing to me. Let’s try some verbal role play. I’ll be your wife.”

“OK.  Call me Cooch.  That’s  my wife’s pet name for me.”

“Oh Cooch, I really need it.  I am aching for you, baby.”

“That is way too forward, gordita.  My wife would never say those things to me.”

“OK.  Let me try again. Ummm.  I took my temperature, honey, and I think I’m ovulating.”

“Really?  Have you been cleared by your doctor to have sex?”

“Yes, honey, I just had my six-week post-natal check-up and the doctor says I’m ready to start trying for baby number eight.”

“Hubba hubba!  Let’s do it!”

Huhhhhh.  Mmmmmm.  Rustle rustle. Huhh.

“Cooch.  Are you in yet?  I can’t feel you.”

Huh huh ahhhhhhhhhh.  “Let’s pray now.”

“Pray!!!!  That was it? Are you kidding me?”

Our Father who art in heaven….

“Wait just a cotton-picking minute, Cooch! That was the sorriest coochie coo I have ever had in my life!”

“It’s the only kind of coochie coo you have ever had, honey.  We were both pure on our wedding day. Remember?”

PurityRing

“Oh. Errrr. Right. Well, in that case, I read an article about female sexual pleasure and I have to say I didn’t feel anything remotely close to what the article described. I want to try something new.”

“What exactly are you suggesting, honey? And mind you, don’t forget about Virginia’s felony solicitation laws.”

“What? You mean if I ask for you-know-what you will arrest me?”

“Darn straight I will. The Virginia sodomy law is still on the books.”

CuccinelliLaw

If Mrs. Cuccinelli asks for “you-know-what” this guy is standing by to take her in

“You’re BUSTED, Cooch!!!!!!!!!!  The only reason you are prosecuting that McDonald guy is because you don’t want to do sh*t for me in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, watch your language.  What has gotten into you?”

“Nothing has gotten into me!  You have a one-inch ding-a-ling!  I have had better sex going solo down a water slide!!!!!!!!!!”

ruler

True to scale

“Honey…..”

“Don’t honey me. I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. There is something that might give you some relief.”

“What is it?”

“Well…uh…let’s just say it’s something that pisses off Cecile Richards and is deeply pleasing to the Lord.”

“Wow. What could it be?”

TransvaginalProbe

Please tell me it vibrates

____

*Cuccinelli also insists it is wrong to have sodomy with a person over 18 and has resisted all attempts by the legislature to limit the effect of the law to children, rape, prostitution, and public indecency.

The 12 Days of Hatemas….#2

Lord, are we almost there?

Twas the night before Hatemas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Hateholas soon would be there.

Seasons Greetings fellow merchants of disdain, contempt, and scorn for the American scum of the earth !! Yuletides of hate reach out and pull on my heartstrings causing my heart to burst with the joy and the spirit of hate. Like Jolly Saint Nick, let me spread gifts of hate throughout the lands….

…which brings us to #2…(yes, another tie….so many to hate, so little time):  Newt Gingrich, Ken Cuccinelli, Antonin Scalia.

If there’s a Hell, there’s a special place in it for him

Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives and overall dirtbag:

He is, was, and always will be the sleaziest politician, and perhaps human being, in American modern times. How he has been allowed to morph into a “Sunday morning talk-show” pundit who is paid any regard at all much less a lot of it is one America’s great mysteries.  He would glad-hand and/or stab anyone in the back to get ahead.  He is also one of the world’s greatest hypocrites on both family values and serving one’s country.  As America’s #1 chickenhawk, Dick Cheney notwithstanding,  he has always supported war and spilling others blood in foreign lands yet dodged the draft during Vietnam.  He’s one of the most disgusting serial adulterers and abusers of women in the history of politics yet went after Bill Clinton like a moralistic banshee during the sordid and pointless trials of Monica Lewinsky.  He’s a deadbeat dad and one of our greatest whores to corporate campaign contributions.  If there will be a single greatest beneficiary of the heinous Supreme Court decision, “Citizens United,” it shall be Newt Gingrich.  He is emblematic of all that is wrong with America…particularly in its most recent history.  And as long as he is around what’s left of our sacred rights and civil liberties are in absolute jeopardy.  I would write more, but you get the drift….and thinking of Newt Gingrich makes me  physically ill.

Wide-eyed and bushy-tailed….and an aspiring leader of a modern-day Gestapo

Ken Cuccinelli, Attorney General of Virginia:

Some in America have been on Joe McCarthy watch since, well, Joe McCarthy wondering when the next one would  come around to slime us.  It nearly became  Ken Starr…..but he was too much of a pussy to have “gone the distance” despite his best (pussy) efforts.  Cuccinelli, on the other hand, is anything but a pussy.  No, this guy is a first-class motherfucker to the nth degree.   So, I think the second coming of Joe McCarthy has landed and he just happens to be the Attorney General of Virginia, Ken Cuccinelli.

Cuccinelli has only been in office since January, but he’s already demonstrated that Virginians accidentally elected a crazy person. First, it was routine gay-hating.  Now it’s Birtherism and grand paranoia.  I mean, Virginia is hardly a blue state (despite barely going Obama’s way in ’08).  But the Old Dominion is hardly South Carolina, Alabama, or Texas either…..and Cuccinelli is most DEFINITELY South Carolina material.  He fact, he may be the only guy who is actually right of Jim DeMint (a hard thing to be, indeed, since the next thing right of Jim DeMint is widely considered to be Adolf Hitler).  Cuccinelli is, without question (and please read my lips), WITHOUT QUESTION the up and coming most dangerous man in America…..and so much so, I nearly made him #1.  You know how it seems that every generation some fucking nutbag crusader  (usually from the south), wanting to make a name for him or herself, seems to come out of nowhere to take on some moralistic cause dragging the rest of America with him or her?  Remember in the 70’s when a crusading prosecutor from Memphis named Larry Parrish went after the “hardcore” movie Deep Throat” (now considered tame by comparison with today’s “skin flicks”) with such a vengeance, one would have thought that Deep Throat was the most egregious violation of moral sanctity in human history instead of a silly and cheaply-made now considered “soft core” movie with as little artistic value as its portrayal of an “artist” who could supposedly give the world’s perfect blow job (not to give anything away here, but she had a clitoris in her throat….as legend would have it…instead of, err, where it was supposed to be). Long story short, Parrish was relentless in his crusading prosecution of anyone and everyone who had ever had a hand in this movie.   He ruined the fledgling “career” of “Harry Reems driving the guy out of the business and into the poor house in his efforts to send him to prison.  Parrish became the quintessential poster child for frivolous crusades….but for certain, he had Christian America behind him every step of the way.

Cuccinelli is Parrish on a quadruple dose of steroids.  Since he took office in January 2010 his primary mission has been to do everything in his power to dismantle the President’s new health care reform.  He has, on behalf of the state of Virginia (much to the chagrin of many of its residents to include yours truly), sued the Federal Government to stop it.  Eventually it WILL wind up in the Supreme Court….and we all know how THAT’S going to turn out. Why? You would never get him to admit it but Ken just has a problem with the fact that  limited health care reform that, at the very least, is marginally better than what we have now, was the product of a black man.  Why?  Because Virginia, my friends, has a crazed birther racist as its A.G.  Besides being a birther, he believes Global Warming is a myth and is viscerally against any environmental efforts in this or any other country.

Immigration

On July 14, 2010, Cuccinelli joined eight other states in filing an amicus brief opposing the federal government’s lawsuit challenging an Arizona immigration enforcement statute.  On August 2, 2010, Cuccinelli issued a legal opinion authorizing law enforcement officials to investigate the immigration status of anyone that they have stopped.

Gay rights

On March 4, 2010, barely two months into his office as state A.G.,  Cuccinelli issued a letter to Virginia’s public colleges and universities that said, in part, “It is my advice that the law and public policy of the Commonwealth of Virginia prohibit a college or university from including ‘sexual orientation,’ ‘gender identity,’ ‘gender expression,’ or like classification as a protected class within its non-discrimination policy absent specific authorization from the General Assembly.”

Environmental policies

On February 2010, Cuccinelli sought federal judicial review of the EPA’s  ruling that greenhouse gases harm human beings by causing global warming. His press statement explained, “We cannot allow unelected bureaucrats with political agendas to use falsified data to regulate American industry and drive our economy into the ground.”

The business end of a buggy whip awaits ye backside oh crazed one

Ken Cuccinelli is close to being the most dangerous man in America.  He may be under the radar now, but before long people from coast to coast will have heard of him….and not in a good way.  The people of my state elected him….and that’s something I and many others have to live with.  Let’s just hope that we collectively find our way before we elect him as Governor when he decides to run in 2013.  Otherwise, god have mercy on our souls.

Oh for the want of an Italian meatball that goes down the wrong way and just can’t be dislodged….

Supreme Court “Justice” Antonin Scalia:

Last but certainly not least.  Now the longest-serving justice on the Court (hard to believe huh?), Scalia is the Senior Associate Justice. Appointed to the Court by Ronald Reagan in 1986, Scalia has been described as the intellectual anchor of the Court’s conservative wing.  And he is  evil incarnate.

Scalia is considered the Court’s leading proponent of “originalism.” This is a legal philosophy whereby the proponent attempts to locate the most archaic elements of the founding fathers’ political views, magnify them, and disingenuously use them as a pretext for perpetuating views that invariably set our country back a generation if not further in an effort to appease his crazed, Roman Catholic ideology.  The phrase “I am an originalist,” is synonymous with “I am a racist, but I’m too much of a pussy to just come out and say it because I went to college.”

Scalia and other “originalists” are terrified by the idea of change. They are especially horrified by the realization that each successive generation hates blacks and gay people less and less. Realizing the consequences of this, they have devised a legal philosophy to enshrine their bigotry into law so it can live on even after the “originalists” have gone.  And he and his  Supreme Court posse will do everything to set America back to the days that fit their personal ideology…nothing more, nothing less.  And since America allowed them to be placed on our nation’s highest court to begin with, and since he and  they shall be around for a long, long time, the rest of us common Americans are just along for the ride.  “Citizens United” simply represents the first volley.  There’s more where that came from…..much, much more I’m afraid.  And America will blissfully go on with life none the wiser …so long as there’s a Wal-Mart around every corner.  Fiddlin’ while Rome burns indeed.

….as dangerous and hated as Gingrich, Cuccinelli, and Scalia are, there is but one more even more dangerous….and he/she/it shall be # 1….of “The 12 Days of Hatemas.”