Tag Archives: Kelly Ayotte

The Shape of Things Now

by gordita


Paco the dog chews on foot before shape-shifting into something else

Hold onto your britches. With the help of my anonymous source, “Virgil” (whose spoke to me on condition that his true identity remain confidential), I have just uncovered the scoop of the decade: Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul, aka The Three, are not who they say they are. In fact, they are unlike anything you have ever imagined.

“They are shape-shifters,” says Virgil.

“Shape shifters! Can you explain what a shape-shifter is, exactly?”

“Well, in olden times,” explains Virgil, “people often changed shape to have sex…like when Zeus who took the form of a swan to get it on with Leda.”

“Ughhh. Are you going to tell me The Three change shape so they can get some action from unsuspecting women?”

“No, gordita. Sex isn’t the only reason for shape-shifting.”

“What are the other reasons?”

“Well…one key reason is artistic–the impulse to thematically connect a person’s identity with his true inner nature.”


“Have you ever heard of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales?”

I scratch my head. If I say, no, will Virgil think I am an idiot? I wonder.

“In Tanglewood Tales,” says Virgil, “Hawthorne retells the story of Circe but in Hawthorne’s version, instead of transforming all of Odysseus’ crew into swine, Circe transforms each of the men into the animal he most resembles.”

“Interesting. So are you saying that Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are all in the process of transforming into animals that they most resemble?”

“Oh ho, gordita! You have it exactly backwards! What is happening is that The Three are animals who have transformed themselves into the Senators they most resemble!”

“Er….what animal did each of them used to be?”

“Well, Senator Cruz used to be this ….”

Rafael the cat

Rafael the cat

“… but his cat identity was not nearly pussy enough so he reinvented himself as this.”


Ted “Pussy Face” Cruz

“Rafael the cat chose specifically to be Senator Ted Cruz?”

“Yep. Rafael could have been anybody, gordita. But Senator Cruz was the ideal personification of who he truly was.”

“A pussy face….”

“A real, honest to goodness pussy face. And a mean one at that. The meanest ever.”

“What about Lindsey Graham?”

“This guy?”


Mister Toad

“Lindsey Graham was Mr. Toad?!?!?!?”

“Yes, but as a toad, he was just not toady enough. So he became Senator Graham.”

“Okay, Virgil. I am getting the idea. So wait a minute…don’ tell me yet what animal Rand Paul was. Let me guess.”


“Was he this?”


Vicious hyena


“This maybe?”


Rabid weasel


“How about this?”



“What was he then?”

“Do you see Paco the dog at the top of this blog post?”

“Whoa!!! He’s hideous! As a senator, he represents the hideous Tea Party. Is that the thematic connection?

“No, gordita. Not everything is as complicated as you make it out to be. Rand Paul is simply a malevolent, mangy, wire-haired cur.”

“Hmmmm. I have one more question before we finish this interview.”


“Whenever we see The Three, Kelly Ayotte always seems to be nearby. Is Kelly Ayotte a shape-shifter too?”

“Yeah, she’s a shape-shifter all right–the best there has ever been.”

“Who or what was she before she became Senator Ayotte?”

“Take a guess.”



12 Days of Hatemas…….#11


Seasons Greetings fellow merchants of disdain and contempt for the American scum of the earth !! Yuletides of scorn ring out causing my heart to burst with the spirit of hate. Like Jolly Saint Nick, let me spread gifts of loathing throughout the lands ….

It’s the 12 Days of Hatemas featuring some of the most hated people in America (according to a worldwide poll taken by southpaw staff members and polling experts) in 12 separate installments…from number 12 to number 1.  This wonderful hatefest, in the spirit of the pure joy of hate during these festive times, is based on who spb believes are the most influential,  loud-mouth, ugly, obstructive, mean-spirited, racist, piece-of-shit motherfuckers throughout the year 2012….and who will, no doubt, continue to be in 2013 .

NUMBER 11:  The “Backgrounders”….aka “The Props”


You’ve seen them….of that I’m certain.  You may not know their names but if I showed you a picture of them right now you’d say, “Oh yea, I’ve seen that person.”  They’re like the Hollywood actor you see all the time in bit parts in the movies but never know their name (think “Stephen Tobolowsky”).  “Ah yes,” you say…”that guy.”


Stephen Tobolowsky in “Groundhog Day”

“The Backgrounders” are The Stepford Wives of Congress….window dressing, props for the likes of John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Mitch McConnell.   They’re there….in the background of every picture you see of the Republican “leaders.” There they stand with their obedient, ass-kissing demeanor and blank faces with its insipid smiles on mouths that would not so much as utter the word “shit” if they had a mouthful.


They would do tricks, I believe, if Boehner or Cantor, in the middle of one of their bullshit speeches, would suddenly turn to them and tell them to bark like a dog.  So long as it meant more recognition for these Ambassadors of Ambition, I believe they would cram their respective heads up each other asses so long as it might mean a fast-track to their political careers.  They are in lockstep with their masters much like the SS and Hitler youth were in goosestep with theirs.


I’m speaking primarily of the following fuckheads:  Cathy McMorris-Rodgers (a Stepford Wife if their ever was one), Kevin McCarthy, Jed Hensarling, Marcia Blackburn, John Cornyn, John Thune, Mike Pence, Kelly Ayotte, and John Barrasso, and a host of others.  They’re always there obedient to the company line their masters are spewing:  stern faces if their masters are stern…and stupid smiles of approval if the atmosphere is jocular.  But they are characterless mannequins who have no minds of their own…at least until they are told to have one….and their loyalty is only as good as the current status of one of the aforementioned “leaders.”  If that status should ever take a downward turn, “The Backgrounders” would be swift to pounce…like a pack of hungry wolves bearing down on the carcass of Sarah Palin.


Every now and then Republicans will throw in a token black guy….the one black Republican in America….just to show how fair and balanced they are

They are “The Backgrounders”…politicians who blew into D.C. on nothing much more than a platform of anti-abortion (and believe me, it was nothing more than that) from god knows what fucked up district full of loony constituents from equally fucked up states like Texas and Missouri.  And now they’re window dressing and proud of it.

John-Boehner-at-news-conference-jpg (1)

I swear Boehner is boning this chick….and maybe the dude too

And don’t think for a second that everything about “The Backgrounders” is not choreographed down to every breath they take.  Believe me…it is.  Why, there are likely offices in Congress with staff dedicated to nothing more than making sure these stage props are in the right pecking order behind their masters, have  just the right amount of pancake makeup with just the right amount of shimmering light cascading off of their shoulders, etc.  And they are trained by their media handlers to smile, frown, clap, look perplexed, sigh…even breath right on cue.  Their handlers make sure to pick just the right props, i.e., everyone’s favorite wife/mom/sister like Cathy McMorris-Rodgers (who is somewhere between Paul Broun and Louie Gohmert in terms of pure crazy)….or Marcia Blackburn who appeals to the MILF lovers (both male and female)….or America’s kindergarten teacher, Kelly Ayotte.  No uglies, baldies, or gap-tooths here (think Michele Bachmann and, again, Louie Gohmert).  Besides, the Bachmann’s and Gohmerts of Congress have “minds” of their own, no matter how nutty…and there can be none of that from “The Backgrounders.”


And McCain and this chick (Kelly Ayotte) are tied at the hip lately so he, too, must be boning her….or maybe it’s Lindsey who’s boning her….or maybe McCain is boning Lindsey while Lindsey bones Ayotte while Joe Lieberman serves as pivotman

No, “The Backgrounders” are tomorrow’s Gestapo who, despite their ambitions, are content to wait patiently until their masters, Cantor, Boehner, McConnell, themselves “Backgrounders” once, are gone.  Meanwhile they salivate like buzzards hovering over road kill just waiting for their golden moment.  They’re scary these “Backgrounders”.  And if you think they’re scary now, just wait until they get into power.  But for now they’re quite satisfied with their position as smiling/frowning window dressing.  And we at SPB are satisfied with having “The Backgrounders” as #11 in the “12 Days of Hatemas.”