It’s getting tense in Rome as the largest group of sleazy, creepy, fucked-up, filthy old pedophiles ever to gather in one place, in what is known as a papal conclave, are close to selecting the next sleazebag to head their fucked-up, racist, homophobic, misogynistic piece-of-shit church.
The so-called conclave, which essentially is a meeting of the College of Cardinal pedophiles, convened to elect the next creepy, young boy-ass-grabbing old bastard, is really just an excuse for a whole bunch of sexually-depraved old cocksuckers to gather with like-minded perverts on a junket in one of the most beautiful cities on earth so they make their fucked-up archdioceses back home think they’re there to do the people’s business when in reality they’re just having a Euro circle jerk of epic proportions.
“Hey, do any of you fuckers know where I can find Amanda Hugandkiss?”
“ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!”
While reporting on location outside of the fucked-up Vatican, I managed to coral one pedophile Cardinal, Ivan Whackinoff from Croatia.
Cardinal Ivan Whackinoff
“Excuse me sir, how’s the Conclave going so far?”
“Ah, it’s going well my son….it’s going well….and with God’s will, we will have selected a Holy Father soon.”
“How many circle jerks have you old fuckers had so far and what’s been the biggest one?”
“Well, funny you ask cause we had a great one just last night as a matter of fact.”
“There were about 20 of us and we’d been drinking see….and a Cardinal from Canada starting talking about some of his choir boy escapades and then other guys started chiming in with their stories and then one thing led to another and the next thing you know we were in a big circle with our pants down and our dicks in our hands and we just started going to town.”
“Who was the pivot man….you must have had a pivot man?”
“We were pretty wasted so I don’t remember his name but I think it was some Cardinal from America.”
With the lord’s business done for the day, this motley crew heads to the papacy steam room where they plan on …..well, you don’t want to know.
“No surprise there….right?”
“No of course not….the Americans are always the best at facilitating group jerks.”
“Do you think one’s ability to facilitate a circle jerk will in any way influence your vote for the next Pope?”
“Of course….that’s probably the biggest thing with most of us. But there are other things that factor in such as how well one dresses up in women’s clothes, how well they’re able to exhibit ‘reach around’ techniques with under-age boys, how quickly they can whip it out…which at the age of most of us, and given our mostly shriveled up state, is no small feat.”
“So have you guys done ANYTHING constructive since you’ve been in Rome besides sit around and swap stories about how many young boys you’ve cornholed over the years?”
“Not really except bitch about how broke all of us are and about how fewer and fewer people are coming to our churches.”
“So, let me ask you an existential question: do you guys get your rocks off more by literally fucking young boys or by figuratively mind-fucking the millions in your respective flocks around the work by continuing to perpetuate the myth of a man in the sky and all the rest of the bullshit you guys try to sell poor suckers who trust you and don’t know any better while you’re ripping them off in mind, body, and soul?”
“So Fred, you fucked many good youngsters this year?”
“Not as many this year as the year before Hal. It’s been a shitty year for the church. How ’bout you?”
“Well, I can’t speak for everyone else but I get my rocks off equally with both.”
“Good to hear. I know you have business to take care of, Father, so I’ll let you go. I mean, in the big scheme of things there’s absolutely NOTHING more important than electing another Pope because heaven forbid we go one more helpless moment with an empty throne in the Vatican, right?”
“God bless you son….I’ll pray for you.”
“Yea, you do that.”