Texas Junior Senator, Ted Cruz, came out today and admitted what pretty much everyone else already knew: He is ugly. But not just plain ugly but downright “fugly” which is short for “fucking ugly” says Cruz’s 4th grade teacher, Gladys Horney.
“Teddy was always fucking ugly…even in fourth grade,” said Ms. Horney, now retired. “Someone once remarked that poor Teddy must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch and twig on the way down. We always hoped he would grow out of it but, instead, he just got uglier and now he’s just a fucking ugly man. All of us are just happy Teddy finally came to his senses and came out. Perhaps now he can live in fucking ugly peace as a free, ugly American.”
“We’re proud of Senator Cruz,” said fellow Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky who came out of the ugly closet in 1998.
“I know how hard it is to live a life of secrets and lies,” said McConnell, a member of the “All-Ugly Hall of Fame of Ugly Politicians”. “I can tell you this: it’s hard at first to admit you’re fucking ugly….but the truth will set you free…do you hear me Ted? The truth will set you free.”
“It is tough at first, said Ugly Hall of Fame member, actor Clint Howard. “But it gets easier.”
“I agree,” said rock star Steven Tyler of Aerosmith who is another Ugly Hall of Fame member. “Personally I hate Ted Cruz….but I’m happy to see he’s decided it’s better to be free and ugly than ugly in secret.”
“Ted Cruz has classic ugly features,” said ugly people expert, Morton Downey who has advised ugly people for more than three decades and has helped other ugly people people like former Congressman, Tom Delay, Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia, and Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas come out of the closet.
“Notice Senator Cruz’s fish lips which have, over the years, gotten thinner and thinner,” said Downey. “Additionally, Senator Cruz has no chin…a classic feature of the fuglyist people in the annals of fugly. And notice the eyes which are beady and soulless, the hair….slicked back with Vitalis, and his teeth which are small and sharp….like a Piranha. In fact, I believe I could best describe Senator Cruz’s looks as that of a perch….or perhaps a large sea bass.”
“But most of all, let’s not forget his pussy face,” said Downey. If it were not for Senator Cruz’s deep-rooted, disingenuous, extreme religiosity I believe the Senator would be perhaps only ugly and not fugly. I only hope that Senator Cruz’s coming out will inspire others like Texas Congressmen Randy Nugenbauer and Blake Farenthold to come out as well. “
‘Despite Senator Cruz’s recent coming out, he still has a long way to go before he can truly be free,” said spokespersons for the groups “Society of White, Male Assholes” and “The Club for Men Who Look Like Pedophiles but May or May Not Be One.” The spokesmen said they hope Cruz takes his rightful place in their groups over time.
“One step at a time,” said one of the spokesmen who asked to remain anonymous. “When he’s ready, we’re here for him.”
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..
“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”
Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…
Maple Street Residents:
The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family, The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.
Sarah: “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”
Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”
“What is it Piper?”
“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”
Sarah: “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”
Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”
Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking. You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.
Todd Palin: “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood. Over my dead body! This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”
Tommy: “But my dad says…..never mind….”
By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street. “What Tommy? What does your dad say?”
Tommy: “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”
Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy! HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”
“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?” “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”
“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…
Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”
Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”
Roberts: “Fuck you Todd. You’re one to talk. Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”
Palin: “That’s bullshit. Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”
Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”
Michele: “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”
John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”
Rick Perry: “Well I can personally vouch for John. He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”
Scalia: “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!? I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick? Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”
Rick Perry: “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”
Alito: “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth. I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”
((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank? The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be a man. So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”
“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense. “Why are we at each others throats. Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one. If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”
“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”
“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”
((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.
“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito. “We’ll start with Scalia.”
“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”
“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry. “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”
“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one. Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”
“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”
“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”
“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”
“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito. “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”
((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))
“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts. “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”
“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.
“Well look around you….who’s missing? I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”
((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!
Tommy: “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”
John Roberts: “What is it Tommy? Shut up everyone!”
Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”
“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”
“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.
….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”
“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.
“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin. “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”
“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.
“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”
“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin. There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”
“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it. Perry, are you armed?”
“Always,” said Rick Perry.
Scalia: “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”
Scalia: “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”
((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.
Perry: “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”
Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.
Scalia: “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”
Alito: “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”
Sarah Palin: “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”
Perry: “You told me to. What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”
Michele Bachmann: “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog. Why is that Rick?”
Todd Palin: “Yea, why is that Rick? Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”
Rick Perry: “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”
“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”
“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.
“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.
“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito. “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”
“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry
“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”
((GET HIM!!!))) ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)
((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))
((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!
….meanwhile, atop the hill that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth. They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…
Xoxdox: Very good work Zodox. It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves. How did you do it?
Zodox: It was easy. I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”. It is also there that they do something called “praying.”
Xoxdox: “What is “praying” Zodox?”
Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”
Xoxdox: What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?
Zodox: “It said: “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”
Xoxdox: “And that was it??”
Zodox: “That was it”
Xoxdox: “You’re a genius Xoxdox”
Zodox: “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings. There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth. We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))
Xoxdox: “I love you Zodox.”
Zodox: “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”
….as chaos ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet. There, sit two creatures not from this earth. They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.
Note by Editor: Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”
Welcome to this week’s edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes, a weekly profile on someone who, this week, this year, or perhaps for all eternity, no one would want to trade places with for all the money and fame, or infamy, in the world.
This week we’re on location on the Washington D.C. Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial as ten’s of thousands of people are here as well to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s I Have a Dream speech made on this very spot in 1963.
Without further ado, our unanimous selection for this edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes is George Zimmerman, the Florida neighborhood watch guy who killed teenager Trayvon Martin in cold blood and recently was found not guilty….which is why we are here, at this special place, for this momentous occasion. All indicators point to Zimmerman now being intrinsically linked to the most iconic leader in American history….and not linked in a good way but as the poster boy for everything that has NOT made The Dream a dream at all….but a nightmare.
All around us, in the midst of a celebratory mood, we see signs of Zimmerman. There are people everywhere wearing Zimmerman t-shirts with a big, red Ghostbusters slash through his face. There are vendors selling by the thousands everything from mini dartboards with Zimmerman’s picture as the bulls eye, to rolls of toilet paper with his picture on every sheet.
Joining me are five experts on infamy to discuss who in hell would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes. Please welcome Jeff Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Judas, and George W. Bush. Gentleman let me quickly go around the table and ask each of you, if you could trade your infamous, criminal, and genocidal lives and your infamous place in history right now with George Zimmerman, would you do it?
Well then, it seems unanimous. None of you would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes. Can you elaborate? Adolf….you first.
Hitler: “Well, sure I may have been responsible for the near annihilation of an entire race of people….but then I got mine. Cyanide, a bullet, a fire, and now hell. If I had gotten away and Mossad was hunting down my ass we might be having a different conversation right now. But as it stands, I would not be him for anything.”
Ted Bundy: “Adolf is right. It’s okay if I call you Adolf…right?”
Hitler: “Sure, you can even call me Adi if you want.”
Bundy: “What Adi says is true. Take me for example. I may have brutally killed countless women in Washington and Florida but Zimmerman is now so associated with icons has become an icon himself. The way people are feeling right now, he may as well have mowed down Rosa Parks. Besides, he is an ugly son of a bitch. Even his own mother thinks he is a screaming pussy.”
Bush: “I have to agree. Infamy is relative in my opinion….at least when it comes to me. In a few years stupid Americans will have totally forgotten that I waged an illegal war that ended up bankrupting the U.S. and killing tens of thousands of people. At least I’ll never be linked to anyone famous or iconic. I mean, how would you like it if every time Dr. King’s name or anniversary or something came up someone linked YOUR name to it as well….and not in a GOOD way.”
Dahmer: “I wouldn’t like it….that’s for sure. Personally I’d rather be dead. Well, I AM dead….but that’s a subject for another day. The point is, no one even knows who I am anymore in spite of the fact that I committed some of the most heinous crimes in American history. It’s one thing to rape, kill, dismember, and eat teenage boys by the dozens but at least my name is not George Zimmerman.”
“What about you Judas? You certainly could be accused of being associated with fucking over someone iconic, right?”
Judas: “Well if I knew then what I know now, that Jesus was going to be so famous and revered, maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to fuck him over. On the other hand, who knew? Back then Jesus was nothing but a fucking bum. I was just giving up a bum….that’s all. Least that’s the way I see it.”
And there you have it from the experts on infamy. There’s a consensus that the worst person to be now, and perhaps ever, is George Zimmerman. From this point forward, whenever the name of iconic figure Dr. King is broached everyone will automatically think of the disgusting fat, pudgy figure of George Zimmerman…much like they think of genocide with Hitler, serial killer with Bundy, cannibalism with Dahmer, and stupid with George W. Bush.
Gentleman, thank you for being with us. And thank YOU, our viewers, for tuning into to another edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes.
Adam Corolla, Patton Oswalt, Bill Maher, Woody Allen, God, Ricky Gervais, Barry Manilow, Rob Reiner, and Seth McFarlane are just a few of the famous people who made this year’s Celebrity Atheist List.
American Atheist Curator, Eric Shun, said this year’s addition of so many comedians make the overall list the most varied in U.S. history.
“No one expected Patton Oswalt (of King of Queens fame) to be a non-believer,” said Shun. “He just looks like a believer.”
God making the 2013 list was a surprise to many.
“I was surprised because most everyone on this year’s list, besides Barry Manilow, is a comedian,” said Shun. “Everyone knows that most comedians are atheists. And, likewise, everyone knows that God was no comedian. On the other hand….maybe there are things we DIDN’T know about God.”
Which begs the question….Is it possible God was a comedian?
“Doubtful,” said God expert O. Howie Dickter. “I’ve never heard or read about anything God did that was considered funny.”
Others were not as surprised to learn that God didn’t believe in God.
“Many people have suspected that God didn’t believe in God even before God existed,” said Dickter of the The Philosophy of God Institute in Washington D.C. “After all, there’s clear evidence that shows God not only did not create the heavens and earth, but he pretty much just stood around while all of it was going on to include the oceans and the rest of the shit that was created.”
Curator Shun said God was reportedly nothing more than a drunkard living in a disheveled state in what is now known as Kansas.
“In today’s times, God would have been known as the town drunk if there HAD been towns and if there HAD been people. But they had not been created yet.”
Residents of Kansas, 99.7 percent of who are Christians, were not unexpectedly stunned….
“I don’t believe it now and I’ll never believe it,” said Kansas Christian, Dean Gil Barry of Topeka. “It just can’t be true. How in God’s name can Barry Manilow be an atheist? My wife Bonnie and I just saw him in concert last month at the Topeka Palladium. There’s no way the guy I saw sing Copacabana could not believe in God…..no way,” said Gil Berry in an obvious state of angst mixed with denial.
Yet former A & M records executive, Saul Rothstein, says that long ago he discovered that when you reverse play the 1974 #1 smash hit “Mandy” on a conventional turntable, the words played backwards clearly say “God doesn’t exist and even if he did he’d be a piece of shit.”
When asked about this, Manilow declined to comment except to say “Mandy” sold six million copies in the U.S. and Germany alone which should speak for itself.
Asked if he remembers the exact day he became an atheist, Manilow said,
♫”I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Mandy
Well you came and you gave without taking
And I need you today, oh Mandy….♫
As for God, Gil Berry of Topeka said he still believes in God even though God doesn’t believe in God.
“This is America….the land of freedom where people have the right to worship as they choose….and God has the right to believe in anything he wants.”
Eric Shun, the Atheist curator, says that, besides Manilow, this year’s list consisted of so many comedians that it must mean that God’s true calling was to be a comedian instead of being God.
“He was likely God the comedian and not God the God. But we may never know for sure,” said Shun.
Which means it’s entirely possible that the last few thousand years, the billions of stupid, fucking Americans who believe in God was really nothing more than one big comedy act.
“There’s no other way to explain it,” Shun said. “No other way.”
With a giant banner behind him proclaiming “Misija Atlikti” which, in English means “Mission Accomplished”, Ed Snowden was greeted and cheered by more than a million freedom-loving Russian Libertarians who crowded into Red Square to officially welcome Snowden to the real Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.
Snowden, who has been stranded in Moscow’s airport the last two months as a man without a country was granted asylum and can now look forward to a life in the freest nation on earth.
(((FREEDOM FREEDOM!!!! SNOWDEN SNOWDEN!!!! FREEDOM FREEDOM EDDIE EDDIE!!!!)))), came the deafening roar from the crowd as they drenched Snowden with exuberance and freedom like he’s never experienced before.”
“I’m happy to be here!!” shouted Snowden. “THREE CHEERS FOR FREEDOM!!!”
((HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!)))), let out the crowd.
“I’m just glad I’m out of that Novotel,” Snowden said.
“The mattress was hard, the turn down service sucked….and they never replenished the mini-bar with my FAVORITE VODKA !!!”
(((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!! screamed the appreciative crowd.
“Hey, here’s a good one: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks? As soon as they learn how to drive ’em, they are going to INVADE RUSSIA!!!!”
((((HARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR))))!!!!! roared the burgeoning crowd.
(((EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE))))!!!!
“This was a natural place for Eddie to be, said Kremlin spokesman, Ivan Itchinanus. “We believe in freedom here and everyone is free to do whatever he or she wants, whenever, wherever, and however they want. Why if I decided to go right now and dance naked around the National Basilica I could just do it and no one would do or say anything.”
However, the very idea of a fat, disgusting, pasty-white, former high-ranking member of the KGB dancing around naked in Red Square caused Itchinanus to dispense with this idea immediately.
On stage with Snowden was Russian President Vladimir Putin whose freedom mastery orchestrated Snowden’s return to freedom. “The Freedom Purge”, as it’s being called, is being hailed around the world as the greatest act of freedom since President Lincoln freed the slaves.
“I hereby declare this day as ED SNOWDEN DAY!!!, shouted Putin.
“But remember my fellow freedom-loving citizens. As we welcome Eddie amongst us, I remind you that you are free to do whatever you want…anytime you want. If you want to celebrate Ed Snowden day tomorrow….or even the next day…or the next….OR EVERY DAY THIS YEAR and EVERY OTHER YEAR…you’re free to do JUST THAT!!!!!”
Snowden will now blend into the 95.7 percent of the population of Russian that describe themselves as Libertarians and are allowed to come and go as they please and pretty much do anything they want whenever they want to. The remaining 4.3 percent of the population is made up of expatriate Amerikiečian’s who don’t believe in freedom.
“Those outcasts are welcome to live here in freedom,” said Putin. But we don’t really like them….and we sure don’t respect them. But because we believe in freedom they, too, can come and go as they please.”
“But enough about them. We’re here to honor Eddie. Eddie is now a free man,” Putin said before being drowned out by Russian country and western star, Ubin Yakinoff who had taken the stage and begun to sing his version of the great Lee Greenwood standard:
♫”And I’m proud Eddie’s not an Amerikan, cause at least I know he’s free… And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me….And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today…. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land…….God bless the USSR!!!!!”♫
A week after another sexting partner, Sydney Leathers, came forward with allegations against former Congressman Anthony Weiner, Weiner’s weiner has filed a complaint with the Fair Labor Standards Board asking to be paid for time he put in during his boss’ phone sex with twenty-something-year-olds across America. “And that doesn’t even touch on my right to be paid for my image being displayed to millions of people across the internet,” says Weiner’s weiner. “I mean, didn’t the chicks in Girls Gone Wild win some sort of lawsuit because they did not sign a release?”
Former Congressman Weiner maintains that his weiner’s charges are “complete bullsh*t.” “My weiner was a willing volunteer. At no time was there an employer-employee relationship.”
“The hell I was!” said Weiner’s weiner when I repeated Weiner’s allegations that he was a volunteer. “I only volunteered because Weiner said he was going to set up a pad for me and about ten women to get together and do the dirty. But then all he did was get on the phone and beat me like I owed him money. Jesus! I can’t believe I stood for it!”
When asked how much back pay he was demanding, Weiner’s weiner said the sum was somewhere in the high five figures including overtime.
“High five figures! That is a lot of money!”
“Yeah, well. Not to brag but I could have done adult film gigs and earned more money that Croesus.”
When asked to comment on Weiner’s weiner’s FLSA complaint, Ms. Leathers was sympathetic. “We both got stiffed big time. Both of us were promised a hook-up in Chicago. Plus, I was promised a condo and a cool job at Politico. All I ended up getting was a lot of gasping choking noises over a phone line. Yuck. What a turn-off.”
“You feel you were victimized, Ms. Leathers?”
“F*ck yeah. But before we go any further, let me do a shout-out to Huma. I AM A GOOD PERSON, REALLY AND TRULY! IT WAS JUST A VERY VULNERABLE TIME FOR ME! MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER SOME TIME!”
“How exactly were you a victim, Ms. Leathers?”
“Hold on a second, gordita. LARRY FLYNT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, ARE YOU STILL OFFERING A MILLION DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO TURNS IN A POLITICIAN? IF NOT, I’LL BE HAPPY TO DO WHATEVER!”
“It sounds like Ms. Leathers has big plans, Weiner’s weiner. Is there anything new on the horizon for you?”
“Frankly, gordita, all I care about right now is getting some dough.”
“Any chance that the Congressman will be able to move on with his life?”
Not a chance, gordita. The press will never stop flogging Weiner.”