Category Archives: Stranger Than Truth

Bloodhound Mike Goes National

 

 

Bloodhound

Alone in Indi Ana’s bathroom, Mike looked with delight at the blood that dare not speak its name. He lowered his nose to sniff.

Indi opened the bathroom door. Catching him in the act AGAIN, she scowled. “I told you, I don’t like you nosing around in my trashcan!”

Mike jabbed his finger at her. “Darn it, Indi. I can’t hide what I feel! What I NEED! Not anymore!”

Indi gazed into Mike’s soft brown hound-dog eyes. Tears bulged on his lacrimal caruncles. “How long have you been paddling the red river?” she asked softly.

“Oh Indi,” gushed Mike. “I’ve been doing it so long, I don’t remember how long. I am so ashamed. I feel so alone.”

Indi’s mood swung like a wrecking ball. Her eyes lit up like fire. “Stop whimpering, Mike. You’re Governor! If you wanted, you could OWN the red river!”

The next morning, the Governor pounded his fist on his desk. “Gosh darn it!  Indi is right!”  He called in his most trusted flunkie, a man with a Pornhub addiction and a bumper sticker on his car that said “I LOVE MY WIFE.”

“Find a way to get me into the tampon tunnel. Legally,” ordered Mike.

“Yes sir!”

And so it was that Mike turned the secret shame of menophilia into a deep and probing official interest in women’s…health.

The backlash was fierce but Mike expected that from the godless liberals. What he did not expect was a twitter account by a rabble-rousing Indiana hussie called #PeriodsforPence. As he read the tweets, he began to see red; then his knees went weak and wobbly. “How can I get this AWESOME site to go national?” he wondered.

Suddenly, a smile flashed across his face. Dialing Trump’s cell phone, he silently pleaded, Please answer. Please answer. Please answer.

Trump answered on the fourth ring, “What can I do for you, Mike?”

THANK GAWD!!!!! thought Mike.

“Donald! How are you?”

“I’ve got a real hottie coming to give me an in-room massage.  I gotta tell you, Mike, she looks a little like your daughter but with way bigger ….”

“That’s super, Donald. The reason I called …. Um, you know that VP position I turned down a few months ago?”

The rest, my friends, is history.

TP: #TrumpforTampons #PeriodsforPence  The hounds paddle out into the bay and head for the vast red sea.

 

trumpons

 

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Escape from the Donald

 

Entamoeba histolytica in happier times

Entamoeba histolytica in happier times

It was a fateful moment for Zeke and Leroy, two germs facing death in the rotting colon of a humanoid host named The Donald.

“We gotta get out of here, Leroy,” said Zeke.

“Can’t we rest some more? This carcass is so full of noxious, putrid shit I can hardly breathe.”

“NO!!!! You’re so weak you won’t last another day if we stay here. Come on! It’s now or never!”

“Okay Zeke….just give me your arm….I can make it….I can make it.”

“That’s the Leroy I know. WAIT!! I hear the host bloviating…..something’s coming!. This is IT, LEROY!!!! Ready………….GO! GO! GO! GO!”

Hanging onto each other, the desperate germs use their last ounce of strength catching the tail end of a giant exploding turd.

“Zeke! We made it! We’re finally out my friend!”

“((Whew))!! Let’s head for the nearest pile of dog feces, Leroy, and get ourselves cleaned up.”

ISIL Stepping Up Fundraising

The terrorist group, ISIL, is trying different approaches to raising funds now that the U.S.-led coalition is targeting and destroying its oil refineries which have served as the groups primary money-maker.

“We plan to have more bake sales like the one we had last Saturday,” said Mustafa Ali-Baba, ISIL’s Chief of Fund Raising and Good Times.

“You wouldn’t believe how many good cooks we have in our group,” said Ali-Baba.  “We have guys who make some of the best toll-house chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had.”

“Don’t forget the brownies that Ishmal and his brothers make,” chimed in ISIL member Moobaba Ataboy.

The "Baker Boys" as they've come to be known by their many fans of their toll house cookies....especially the ones with the chocolate sprinkles.

The “Baker Boys” as they’ve come to be known by their many fans of their toll house cookies….especially the ones with the chocolate sprinkles.

“Oh, they’re incredible,” added Mohammad Abadabado.  “They absolutely melt in your mouth.”

“Well, what I think I like best are the rice krispy treats that Ali makes, said Mustafa.  “They may seem simple to make, but there’s something about them perfectly chewy on the inside and crispy on the outside.”

“You know what it is?” asked Ali coyly.  “A slight touch of lemon extract.”

((Wow…that’s it?  Really? Unbelievabe!))) said the gang.

“The key to a good bake sale is having lots and lots of variety and lots and lots of everything,” said Mustafa.

“And it just has to be fresh…period,” said Ishmal.  If they’re not fresh people don’t like them as much.”

cookies

Some of the delicious delectable delights featured every Saturday at an ISIL bake sale

“We made more than $346 dollars last week.  With a few more weekends like that we can maybe buy some more much-needed caliphate bumper stickers and yard signs that we’re short on.”

“And don’t forget the black flags,” added Moobaba.  “We’re running short on black flags.”

“OK EVERYONE! Let’s all get a good night’s rest.  Big baking day tomorrow. Yushef, you’re planning on bringing your famous peanut butter fudge, right?”

“Absolutely!  I’ll be up at four and baking by 4:30. ”

“You guys are great….you know that?  I know I don’t tell you that enough.  I mean, all of you work so hard it just makes me, well, proud.”

“It is hard work Mustafa….almost as hard as cutting off heads,” said Mohammad pointing to a large basket in the corner of the room filled with severed heads.  “But we love it.”

“You know something guys? ” said Moobaba….”when we put our heads together, we can really go places.”

“That’s what THEY said,” said Yushef pointing at the basket of heads.

((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!!

“You guys trip me out,  Good night fellas.”

Ghanian People and Bill Robinson Celebrate

Former incredibly obnoxious and insufferably precocious child star, Shirley Temple who, in the 30’s, made some of the most putrid, fucked up films in the history of the world leading to a nationwide pall of depression throughout all of America in what is commonly known as The Great Depression as well as causing hundreds of thousands of middle-age men to simultaneously spew vomit at the mere sight of her in what is known as “The Great Hurl”, and who later became a right-wing Ambassador during the Nixon and Reagan Administrations taking her facade of child-like sickening, syrupy and demented good cheer to such fucking backwater countries as Ghana causing half the population to commit mass suicide during her reign as Ambassador, is dead at 85.

Shirley Temple lollipop

“Good riddance,” said Nakimba Mutombo, a ranking government official while Temple served there as Ambassador.

“At all of our meetings together, before we’d get down to business, she insisted on us all doing renditions of “Good Ship Lollipop” and holding hands and such while we were doing it,” said Mutombo.  “We hated her fucking guts and after a few meetings like that my comrades decided they couldn’t take it any longer and started shooting themselves out in back of the building.  I mean living in Ghana was a nightmare by itself without bring Shirley Temple into it.  It was all I could do to stay alive myself….so I got out and now live in a primitive village in Sub-Saharan Africa where there is no electricity, not TV, no radios, no glamour magazines….and best of all, no one has ever heard of Shirley Temple.”

Nakimba Mutombo hopes to never hear the name "Shirley Temple" again

Former Ghanaian official, Nakimba Mutombo, hopes to never hear the name “Shirley Temple” again

Informed of her death, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, who served as Temple’s ass-kissing sidekick and lackey as well as her “yessuh boss!” Uncle Tom and house negro in most of her films, said he could give a shit.

Bojangles feigns happiness as he steps out with his master

Bojangles feigns happiness as he “soft shoes” with his master

“Shirley always acted like we was the besssst of friends,” said Robinson.  “But lemme tell you….she had that biiiig star on her dressing room door in that biiiiig dressing room all by herself….while me and the rest of us colored boys had to share one measly, shitty room together no bigger than a goddamn closet.  Plus, the caterers always brought ol’ Shirley any goddamn thing she wanted….caviar….chocolates….all sorts of meats and cheeses…..while all us old colored fools had to eat scraps in the goddamn KITCHEN!!”

Robinson reacts to the news of Shirley Temple's death

Robinson reacts to the news of Shirley Temple’s death

Robinson, now 127 years old himself and the oldest man in history, said he chose to live as long as he has out of spite just waiting for Temple to die.

“I done figure I had to eat shit from Shirley all those years so I’ll be goddamn if that curly-haired freak was gonna outlive me!  Now I can finally go in peace,”said Robinson.

As for Ghana, its current Prime Minister said today’s date will forever be known and celebrated by its people as Shirley Temple Independence Day.

Ghana

“FREE AT LAST,” Ghanaian people screamed in the streets after hearing the news…..”thank god almighty we’re FREE AT LAST!!!”

Ted Cruz Comes Out….

images

Fugly

Texas Junior Senator, Ted Cruz, came out today and admitted what pretty much everyone else already knew:  He is ugly.  But not just plain ugly but downright “fugly” which is short for “fucking ugly” says Cruz’s 4th grade teacher, Gladys Horney.

“Teddy was always fucking ugly…even in fourth grade,” said Ms. Horney, now retired.  “Someone once remarked that poor Teddy must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch and twig on the way down. We always hoped he would grow out of it but, instead, he just got uglier and now he’s just a fucking ugly man.  All of us are just happy Teddy finally came to his senses and came out.  Perhaps now he can live in fucking ugly peace as a free, ugly American.”

“We’re proud of Senator Cruz,” said fellow Senator Mitch McConnell of  Kentucky who came out of the ugly closet in 1998.

Senators Speak With The Media Following Policy Lunch Meetings

“I know how hard it is to live a life of secrets and lies,” said McConnell, a member of the “All-Ugly Hall of Fame of Ugly Politicians”.  “I can tell you this:  it’s hard at first to admit you’re fucking ugly….but the truth will set you free…do you hear me Ted?  The truth will set  you free.”

“It is tough at first, said Ugly Hall of Fame member, actor Clint Howard.  “But it gets easier.”

clint-howard

Poor Clint Howard

“I agree,” said rock star Steven Tyler of Aerosmith who is another Ugly Hall of Fame member.  “Personally I hate Ted Cruz….but I’m happy to see he’s decided it’s better to be free and ugly than ugly in secret.”

images (1)

“Ted Cruz has classic ugly features,” said ugly people expert, Morton Downey who has advised ugly people for more than three decades and has helped other ugly people people like former Congressman, Tom Delay, Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia, and Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas come out of the closet.

scalia2_1

Ugly

gohmert_rect

Uglier

Fugly

Fugly

“Notice Senator Cruz’s fish lips which have, over the years, gotten thinner and thinner,” said  Downey.  “Additionally, Senator Cruz has no chin…a classic feature of the fuglyist people in the annals of fugly.  And notice the eyes which are beady and soulless, the hair….slicked back with Vitalis, and his teeth which are small and sharp….like a Piranha.  In fact, I believe I could best describe Senator Cruz’s looks as that of a perch….or perhaps a large sea bass.”

The_Puffer_Fish

<> on May 16, 2013 in Washington, DC.

“But most of all, let’s not forget his pussy face,” said Downey.  If it were not for Senator Cruz’s deep-rooted, disingenuous, extreme religiosity I believe the Senator would be perhaps only ugly and not fugly. I only hope that Senator Cruz’s coming out will inspire others  like Texas Congressmen Randy Nugenbauer and Blake Farenthold to come out as well. “

neugebauer

Fat, Fugly, Hateful Farenthold

Fat, Fugly, Hateful Farenthold

‘Despite Senator Cruz’s recent coming out, he still has a long way to go before he can truly be free,” said spokespersons for the groups “Society of White, Male Assholes” and “The Club for Men Who Look Like Pedophiles but May or May Not Be One.”  The spokesmen said they hope Cruz takes his rightful place in their groups over time.

“One step at a time,” said one of the spokesmen who asked to remain anonymous.  “When he’s ready, we’re here for him.”

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes

Welcome to this week’s edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes, a weekly profile on someone who, this week, this year, or perhaps for all eternity, no one would want to trade places with for all the money and fame, or infamy, in the world.

800px-Lincoln_Memorial_Reflecting_Pool_Restoring_Honor_Crowd

This week we’re on location on the Washington D.C. Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial as ten’s of thousands of people are here as well to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s I Have a Dream speech made on this very spot in 1963.

KING

Without further ado, our unanimous selection for this edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes is George Zimmerman, the Florida neighborhood watch guy who killed teenager Trayvon Martin in cold blood and recently was found not guilty….which is why we are here, at this special place, for this momentous occasion. All indicators point to Zimmerman now being intrinsically linked to the most iconic leader in American history….and not linked in a good way but as the poster boy for everything that has NOT made The Dream a dream at all….but a nightmare.

AP_george_zimmerman_dm_130711_16x9_992

All around us, in the midst of a celebratory mood, we see signs of Zimmerman. There are people everywhere wearing Zimmerman t-shirts with a big, red Ghostbusters slash through his face.  There are vendors selling by the thousands everything from mini dartboards with Zimmerman’s picture as the bulls eye, to rolls of toilet paper with his picture on every sheet.

Joining me are five experts on infamy to discuss who in hell would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes.  Please welcome Jeff Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Judas, and George W. Bush.  Gentleman let me quickly go around the table and ask each of you, if you could trade your infamous, criminal, and genocidal lives and your infamous place in history right now with George Zimmerman, would you do it?

Hitler:  “No.”

Dahmer:  “No.”

Bundy: “No.”

GWB:  “No.”

Judas: “No.”

Well then, it seems unanimous.  None of you would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes.  Can you elaborate?  Adolf….you first.

adolf-hitler

Hitler:  “Well, sure I may have been responsible for the near annihilation of an entire race of people….but then I got mine.  Cyanide, a bullet, a fire, and now hell. If I had gotten away and Mossad was hunting down my ass we might be having a different conversation right now. But as it stands, I would not be him for anything.”

Ted Bundy:  “Adolf is right. It’s okay if I call you Adolf…right?”

Hitler:  “Sure, you can even call me Adi if you want.”

bundy

Ted Bundy

Bundy:  “What Adi says is true.  Take me for example. I may have brutally killed countless women in Washington and Florida but Zimmerman is now so associated with icons has become an icon himself. The way people are feeling right now, he may as well have mowed down Rosa Parks. Besides, he is an ugly son of a bitch. Even his own mother thinks he is a screaming pussy.”

gwb

Bush:  “I have to agree.  Infamy is relative in my opinion….at least when it comes to me.  In a few years stupid Americans will have totally forgotten that I waged an illegal war that ended up bankrupting the U.S. and killing tens of thousands of people. At least I’ll never be linked to anyone famous or iconic.  I mean, how would you like it if every time Dr. King’s name or anniversary or something came up someone linked YOUR name to it as well….and not in a GOOD way.”

jeffrey-dahmer

Jeff Dahmer

Dahmer: “I wouldn’t like it….that’s for sure.  Personally I’d rather be dead. Well, I AM dead….but that’s a subject for another day.  The point is, no one even knows who I am anymore in spite of the fact that I committed some of the most heinous crimes in American history.  It’s one thing to rape, kill, dismember, and eat teenage boys by the dozens but at least my name is not George Zimmerman.”

“What about you Judas?   You certainly could be accused of being associated with fucking over someone iconic, right?”

Judas:  “Well if I knew then what I know now, that Jesus was going to be so famous and revered, maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to fuck him over.  On the other hand, who knew?   Back then Jesus was nothing but a fucking bum.  I was just giving up a bum….that’s all.   Least that’s the way I see it.”

And there you have it from the experts on infamy.  There’s a consensus that the worst person to be now, and perhaps ever, is George Zimmerman.  From this point forward, whenever the name of iconic figure Dr. King is broached everyone will automatically think of the disgusting fat, pudgy figure of George Zimmerman…much like they think of genocide with Hitler, serial killer with Bundy, cannibalism with Dahmer, and stupid with George W. Bush.

George Zimmerman

Gentleman, thank you for being with us.  And thank YOU, our viewers, for tuning into to another edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes.