Category Archives: SouthPaw's Slant

RIP Lou Reed 1942-2013




Where is Southpaw?

Oh where oh where has my little dog gone?


With any luck, folks, he will be back in form after mid-July.  He broke his writing arm!

Margaret Thatcher



Ugly, divisive, cruel, nasty, mean, inept, wicked.

Good riddance…and rot in history…alongside your soul mate Ronald Reagan.



It’s morning in America again.  A new day…a day of hope and change for the young, the old, and everyone in between.  Freedom reigns once again.

It is the beginning of September, 2017 and all throughout this great land, our next generation prepares for their first day of school.  President Rand Paul, only eight months from taking office, in his weekly address says the new school year presents a new awakening in America.

“Fellow Americans, these young people present our hopes and our dreams for the freedom in America as we know and love it.  They are our first line of defense in our ongoing war against those who want to deprive us of our freedoms. ”

Monday, September 4, 2017….the school bell rings at  Sunshine Elementary School in Lubbock, TX.


It’s Ms. Crabapple’s first day too as she is a recent graduate of the University of San Antonio where she achieved a degree in elementary education. Now 22 years old, she looks forward to her future as a teacher, marrying her high school sweetheart, and starting her own family.

“Okay class…..settle down now….settle down. Please, everyone take your seats and please keep your hands to yourself.  My name is Ms. Crabapple and I’m your  new first grade teacher!”


“Good morning class.  I want to say what a happy, delightful group of boys and girls you all seem to be.   And I want to welcome you to your first day of school.”


“You can all be proud that you’ve graduated from kindergarten and you are all now official grade schoolers!!”


“Now then, before we begin our first day of this new chapter in your young lives, we need to make sure you all came prepared for your first day of school and we need to prepare you for every other day of school going forward….okay??”

(((YES MA’AM)))!!

“Now then, did everyone bring all of your school supplies that I asked your mommies and daddies to make sure you bring today?”

“(((YES MS. CRABAPPLE)))”!!!

“Does everyone have their milk money?”

(((YES MA’AM)))!!!”

“I see you all have your backpacks today.  Please take time to go through them now and make sure you have your copy of the Holy Bible as well as your personal protection device which, as your parents were notified in advance, can either being a semi automatic or an automatic weapon. Does everyone have these items?”


“Now please place your weapon on your desk in front of you and please make sure you have two completely loaded magazines with one of them actually placed in your gun and the other to remain in your backpack.”

((YES MA’AM))!”

“I notice a few of you seem to be having trouble locating your weapons.  Joey, did you bring your weapon today like you were instructed to do?”

“No ma’am.”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!, the rest of the class laughs at silly Joey.

“And why not Joey?”

“Uhhhh, errr…. I forgot Ms. Crabapple.”

“Well, that’s okay Joey…..I keep a full arsenal of automatic weapons and high capacity ammunition clips in in this large locker behind my desk just for forgetful, foolish, and freedom hating children as yourself.  Now, you have permission to come up now and pick one out but please be quick about it. And you must remember to turn your gun in once you are armed with your own….but not before then.  And why is that class?”


“And why is that children?”


“Very good class.”

“Class, we need to practice better safety this year. Last school year we lost 58 elementary school children at Sunshine Elementary due to firefights on the playground or in the cafeteria.  This represents an increase of deaths of school children by six from the previous year and our principal would really like to see us bring that number down this year if at all possible. Do you all understand?”


“In a minute, we will watch a wonderful cartoon hosted by yours and my favorite, SCOOBY DOO who will be talking about how to kill less of each other!!!! ”


Scooby gallops for guns


“But first, class…..please rise for our Pledge of Allegiance.”

“I pledge Allegiance to the Gun

Of the United States of America

And to the Republic, for which it stands

One Nation, under God and Gun

Indivisible, with Liberty and Guns for all.”

“Very good my little first graders.  After Scooby Doo speaks to all of us, we’ll have reading, and then drawing, followed by our mid-morning nap at which time I ask all of you to please make sure your weapons, especially automatic weapons, are all in safety mode because last year at least four first graders were killed during nap time….okay class?”






“Ruh Roh kids….I sure hope none of you forgot your weapon this morning.  You know why? Well, like my good friend Shaggy says…..Scooby, Guns don’t kill people….PEOPLE kill people!!!!””


“Ruh Roh Shaggy….are you packing heat in that front pocket or are you just happy to see me?”


“And just remember kids….take it from your best friend Scooby Doo, like my good buddies Shaggy and Wayne LaPierre say, the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.  Now, are all of YOU good guys?!?!?!”


“Good luck in school kids….study hard, and always remember…..keep your bible close, and your high capacity ammo clips closer….SCOOBY DOOBY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

Teddy Therapy

It’s been awhile since I’ve written from the heart on the pages of SPB….but I believe what happened in a particular movie theater in a particular part of America recently warrants yours truly speaking out.

In the wake of yet another horrible mass shooting in America, this time in Aurora, Colorado, I think it’s time to reflect on what America REALLY needs.  Obviously, besides more guns…up to and including arming movie and theater goers (Southpaw Beagle endorses the recent Michele Bachmann-Louie Gohmert bill making it mandatory for all movie ticket purchasers to carry a gun or rent one from the gun kiosks located in the concessions area of the theater), more prisons, and more capital punishment for more crimes, what this crisis calls for is more hugs….and more teddy bears.

Clearly as long as we have a communist for a President, there’s little, if any, chance that we’re going to be able to realize our dream of having a gun in every hand in America….so until we can get a like-minded American like Rand Paul or  Michele Bachmann in the White House, we need to hug as many people as we can.  And, we need more teddy bears….many, many more teddy bears.  President Obama has accomplished nothing during his first term (and thanks be to God it’s almost over)….so it’s up to we the people to do something to make this a better place.  We should form our own emergency rapid response organization.  Instead of calling it FEMA….we could call it, FEMAH:  First Everybody Must All Hug.

Scientific studies show that hugs and crocodile tears make everything, to include pain and tragedy, go away a lot quicker…even if the hugs are disingenuous.  The key is to just grasp the closest person to you….preferably someone who is morbidly obese, and just start hugging.

And we have to act quicker when it comes to dispatching as many teddy bears of all sizes, shapes, and colors, to the scenes of tragedies.  At last report, apparently only a few teddy bears and yellow ribbons were spotted at the multiplex theater in Aurora, Colorado.  Don’t people realize how important it is to pile a mountain of teddy bears, preferably with lots of Hersey chocolate hugs attached to them along with heart lockets and other crackerjack box-like trinkets, around the scene of a shooting?

I’m pretty sure Obama will try to take away our hugs and teddy bears just like he has tried to take away our guns.  We need to fight this with everything we’ve got.

So spread the word.  First Everyone Must All Hug (Femah).

Teddy bears of America in a second Obama term will end up here

RIP Bob Welch

Clockwise from left: Welch, John McVie, Christine McVie, Bob Weston, Mick Fleetwood

Sad news today.  Bob Welch, arguably the best guitar player of a long line of fine musicians with the group, Fleetwood Mac, to include Jeremy Spencer, Danny Kirwan, Bob Weston, Lindsey Buckingham, and Peter Green, has committed suicide.

Rest in peace Bob.  We’ll miss you:

Happy New Year…From an Average American

Southpaw Beagle interviewed thousands of Americans from coast to coast before selecting Mrs. Shirley Johnson from Mountain Bluff, Missouri, whom we believe best represents mainstream America, to give the annual New Year Message for the year 2012:

Shirley Johnson, our New Year's message writer for 2012

“First of all i want to thank God for all that he has givin me and my family, This pas yeer has ben realy good and coud have ben much beter if it had not ben for the black heathen we have as Presedent.  Presedient Obama has tried and tried and tried to take away my God.  that’s what my friends Mary and Judy wus saying the other day at the unimployment ofice when i was over thier the other day two pick up my chek.  We was talking about how we knead to git our country bak and put God back into thengs and other stuf.

Shirley Johnson wants her country and God back....FROM HIM !!!

This Presedint has done nothing but bad stuf but I can be thancful for alot of good stuf two, i don’t have a job rite now and thier arent no jobs write now in my town because all the illegal aleins from mexico have taken all of our jobs, but i beeleave that evrything is done for a reeson and i beeleave that God will give me a job when he is readdy for me to work.  i thank God that i half my workman’s comp and my unimployment even thoow some policemen told me i shood not cownt on any moniy from my acident at Wal-Mart when i sliped and fell in one of thier ailes, the policeman tol me that thier camera said i was faking the acident i had. but that is a goddam lie ! but if God wants me to not have the money i will aksept it because I beeleave God has a reeson for everything.  so I am thancful for my unimployment and whatever other asistance i can get.  i am thankful because of all the white peepole in my town who stick together and treet each other like family.  My freind Judy was saying though that one of these days one of those people from the government, or Washington or some other country will come hear and try to take our stuf away and all.  OVER MY DAED BODY !!

My freind Mary was also teling me that the heathen black Presedint wants to turn our country into some place caled europe whatever that place is, but i dont no nothing about some europe but my other friend Judy says they dont beeleave in God thier and men are marreid too other men and stuff like that and eveerybody is a socialist which Mary says is the religion of the devil.  Mary also says that Obama is going to lett illegal aleins take over everything jist so theyll keep electing him to be the Presedint every year.  i don’t no who  is my reprisentative from Missouri but i plan to right to him as soon as i find out about wanting him to try and git my country back.

i don’t realy no who i want for our next Presedint but i just no I  dont want no black man cause i no that peeble like him will take away my God and other stuf i don’t want. i jist hope one day we can git our country back that has ben taken away from us and we can git someone who will put God back into things and stuf, i think as long as all of that hapens then 2012 will be a grate year and maybe even the best won yet.   Happy Knew Year Everybody !!

And Happy New Year to you Shirley….and to everyone else out there:

HAPPY 2012 !!!