Category Archives: Republicans Are Ratfucks

Ted Cruz Comes Out….

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Fugly

Texas Junior Senator, Ted Cruz, came out today and admitted what pretty much everyone else already knew:  He is ugly.  But not just plain ugly but downright “fugly” which is short for “fucking ugly” says Cruz’s 4th grade teacher, Gladys Horney.

“Teddy was always fucking ugly…even in fourth grade,” said Ms. Horney, now retired.  “Someone once remarked that poor Teddy must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch and twig on the way down. We always hoped he would grow out of it but, instead, he just got uglier and now he’s just a fucking ugly man.  All of us are just happy Teddy finally came to his senses and came out.  Perhaps now he can live in fucking ugly peace as a free, ugly American.”

“We’re proud of Senator Cruz,” said fellow Senator Mitch McConnell of  Kentucky who came out of the ugly closet in 1998.

Senators Speak With The Media Following Policy Lunch Meetings

“I know how hard it is to live a life of secrets and lies,” said McConnell, a member of the “All-Ugly Hall of Fame of Ugly Politicians”.  “I can tell you this:  it’s hard at first to admit you’re fucking ugly….but the truth will set you free…do you hear me Ted?  The truth will set  you free.”

“It is tough at first, said Ugly Hall of Fame member, actor Clint Howard.  “But it gets easier.”

clint-howard

Poor Clint Howard

“I agree,” said rock star Steven Tyler of Aerosmith who is another Ugly Hall of Fame member.  “Personally I hate Ted Cruz….but I’m happy to see he’s decided it’s better to be free and ugly than ugly in secret.”

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“Ted Cruz has classic ugly features,” said ugly people expert, Morton Downey who has advised ugly people for more than three decades and has helped other ugly people people like former Congressman, Tom Delay, Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia, and Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas come out of the closet.

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Ugly

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Uglier

Fugly

Fugly

“Notice Senator Cruz’s fish lips which have, over the years, gotten thinner and thinner,” said  Downey.  “Additionally, Senator Cruz has no chin…a classic feature of the fuglyist people in the annals of fugly.  And notice the eyes which are beady and soulless, the hair….slicked back with Vitalis, and his teeth which are small and sharp….like a Piranha.  In fact, I believe I could best describe Senator Cruz’s looks as that of a perch….or perhaps a large sea bass.”

The_Puffer_Fish

<> on May 16, 2013 in Washington, DC.

“But most of all, let’s not forget his pussy face,” said Downey.  If it were not for Senator Cruz’s deep-rooted, disingenuous, extreme religiosity I believe the Senator would be perhaps only ugly and not fugly. I only hope that Senator Cruz’s coming out will inspire others  like Texas Congressmen Randy Nugenbauer and Blake Farenthold to come out as well. “

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Fat, Fugly, Hateful Farenthold

Fat, Fugly, Hateful Farenthold

‘Despite Senator Cruz’s recent coming out, he still has a long way to go before he can truly be free,” said spokespersons for the groups “Society of White, Male Assholes” and “The Club for Men Who Look Like Pedophiles but May or May Not Be One.”  The spokesmen said they hope Cruz takes his rightful place in their groups over time.

“One step at a time,” said one of the spokesmen who asked to remain anonymous.  “When he’s ready, we’re here for him.”

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

The Land of Rand

“Okay children that’s it for tonight.  Time for bed.”

“Awww grandpa…..please!! Just tell us ONE MORE STORY!”

“Wellllll, ooookay…but just onnnne more…and then it’s off to bed.”

“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

“Children….long, long ago…this great land of ours wasn’t so great.  And this great land of freedom that you all have grown up in was once ruled by a tyrannical man whose skin color was BLACK!!!”

Grandfather_telling_a_story_to_Grandchildren-iStock_000008456269XSmall-300x200

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Grandpa, I’m scared.”

“Ahh hahahahahahahaha. Nothing to be scared of little one.  You’re surrounded by white neighbors with more guns than they know what to do with.  And what do you think this is in my lap?  Why it’s an AK-47 and I keep it with me at allll times.  Why you two have Glock 9′ mm’s right there sitting next to  you.  Did you forget how to use em?!”

“Tee hee, no Grandpa,” the five and six year old said sheepishly.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Well then, let me continue with my story.  Our freedom was once ruled by a black devil, and….”

“But Grandpa, I thought our land of freedom had gotten rid of all the black and brown faces long, long ago.”

“Hahahahahaha!  Amber, of course we got rid of those a long time ago so don’t you fret.   I’m talking about many years ago when the people ran wild in the streets trying to take away our freedoms and the very guns that you have sitting next to you at this moment.  They tried to take away prayer and Jesus, and God and your right to eat Big Macs three times a day and drink all the Pepsi you want which, thankfully, thanks to the freedoms we enjoy today, you can drink right out of your faucet  instead of water that the black-faced man they called Obama, but who we now know as Lucifer, tried to make us drink.”

Lucifer

Lucifer

“Grandpa, what’s water?”

“Children, we don’t much talk about that these days….but it was a nasty liquid that the black face Muslim Lucifer tried to force upon us many years ago.  But our freedom fighters fought for our Pepsi and our donuts and our pizza and cheeseburgers and fries…..and, of course, our prayer. ”

“So a man with black skin actually existed Grandpa…and actually ruled our land?”

(((SHUDDER)))!! “Yes children….for it was an evil time when this man we call Lucifer tried to push us into health care that we can afford and better edumacation and better social programs and better food and all things we don’t believe in that are against freedom and God.”

“What’s health care and edumacation Grandpa?”

“Well you don’t have to worry about any of those things children cause God took care of all of that and he continues to take care of all of that.”

“Grandpa, what happened to the black faces?”

“Children, thanks to our history’s greatest freedom fighter, we were able to push them and all of the brown faces too right out of our new land and now they are all back to where they need to be away for us.”

“Where is that Grandpa?”

“The black faces are all imprisoned in a place called Alabamalandria far far away from here.  We don’t know WHAT they do there…and we don’t want to know.  And the brown faces are in another forbidden zone known as Texslyvania where legend has it that they, too, practice the evil and voodoo practices of health care and edumacation all in their master plan to try and take away yours and my many, many guns.”

“Now then children…that’s enough for tonight.  Time for bed.”

“But Grandpa….what about our late night snack?”

“Okay….here’s enough freedom tokens for each of you for just three Whoppers apiece now from the Burger King machine in the kitchen…and NO MORE, you understand! Otherwise you won’t have any appetite for your midnight snack of a bucket of KFC….and we can’t have that!”

“Hahahahahahahaha. Grandpa you’re so funny.”

“But before you go let’s all recite the Pledge to our founding father”:

(((“I pledge allegiance to the Gun of the United State of Rand….and to the Republic, in which Rand stands, one nation, under God, in morbid obesity and justice for all whites.”)))

Father of our country

Father of our country

kids-saying-pledge

Not a black face among them. Thank God !

“Now off to bed!.  Good night children.  Make sure to lock and load and sleep tight and white.”

Senate Agrees to Talk about Talk

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The Senate is now in the first stages of talking about the possibility of talking about discussions of talk

Gridlocks are the norm these days in Washington politics.  But every now and then miracles happen and one happened today which is being hailed as nothing less than a breakthrough of epic proportions:

The U.S. Senate, in bipartisan fashion, agreed today to talk about talk in the talk on guns in the U.S.

“I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed, along with 12 of my Republican colleagues, to talk about the possibility of talking about talks on talking about talks on guns in the U.S.,” said Tennessee Senator Bob Corker.

“Talking about talk about the possibility of talking about talk is the kind of talk we like talking about,” said Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal of  Connecticut.

“Is it something you’d like to talk more about?” I asked South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, one of 13 Republican Senators agreeing to talking about the possibility of talking about talk.”

“Right now I’m not really free to talk about taking about the talks that we’re talking about possibly having but once I know more information about the possibility of talking, I’ll be releasing talking points of what I hope will be the sorts of things we hope to talk about,” said Graham.

Asked whether the visit this week of survivors of the December Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school made a difference in their decision to support talks about the possibility of talking about talking, Senator Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, said yes.

“Obviously we were affected emotionally after talking with the victims families,” said Chambliss.  “They expressed their concern about whether we plan to talk about this emotional issue so we told them we do plan to talk soon about talking about the possibility of talking about talks because if we don’t talk, not much can be accomplished in the way of talking about talks.  As I told these wonderful families, I didn’t come to Washington just to talk.  I came here to talk about talking because talking is the best way to get to the possibility of talking about talks.”

Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking

Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking

Senator Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Orin Hatch, and a number of other Republicans do not support talking about talk.

“We just don’t believe anything is accomplished by talking about talk or even the remote possibility of talking about the possibility of talking about talk because talking is regarded as socialism in the great state of Texas,” said Cruz.

Asked why he feels talking or even talking about talk is regarding as socialism in Texas, Cruz simply replied:

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Letter from an Admirer

The Honorable Ted Cruz
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed.  You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots.  Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day.   We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me.  In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along.  We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.

You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years.  I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted in his best demagogue pose

Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman.   Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task !  You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.

Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you.  That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric.   But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now.  I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along.  And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day.  What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American.  You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.

ted cruz fullness

How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?

I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here.  You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here.  I hope you’re alright with that.  I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it.  And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like.  I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell.  And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics.  We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler.  So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light.  You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.

Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate.  We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.

You’re a great American.

Your friend,

Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee

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Joe in his best inquisition pose

P.S.  Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do.  How does this sound?  “Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!

Sizzling Hot Democrats

by gordita

I am sure you have heard about the femininity study that HuffPO, the Daily Beast, and other rags are talking about. It seems that low-IQ female Republican politicians like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin are more feminine in appearance than more mentally acute female Democratic politicians like Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright. Yawn. This has prompted conservatives to hoot that Republican women as a whole are hot and to jeer at the liberal “crones.”  Here is typical Republican proof of a beauty divide:

This proves it

Two, of course, can play this silly game. And to demonstrate that the Republicans are full of crap, I only have to post two pictures:

Democrat

Republican

Case closed.

So  let’s move now to the other finding in the study that everyone so far has overlooked–and that is that male Democratic politicians are more “masculine” than male Republican politicians.  I am not exactly sure what “masculine” means in this study but I can say that those of us who love strong manly men know that Democratic men–not just the politicians but Democratic men generally–are the sexiest men alive. We don’t need pictures to prove it.  All we have to do is remember the hot, steamy, muscular guys who have sprung loose the coil and sent us blind and howling into the star swirl. They were Democrats all.

So here’s to Democratic men…who respect us and vote for us if we are smart, whether we are pretty or not…who keep our hearts open to the poor and the downtrodden…who inspire us to value love in its many different forms…who help us to live lives of intellectual adventure and scientific passion and wonder. Beautiful or plain, we would not trade places with any Republican alive. So take the study on femininity and stuff it…in a deep pit of hell if such a place can be found outside the shallow imagination of an evangelical Republican idiot.

SPB on Location at a Local Republican Campaign Headquarters

“Welcome to Freedom Center ! Can I help you?” said a welcoming large woman wearing a red, white, and blue set of stretch pants.

The color of Freedom

“Well, I was just wondering where I go to sign up for freedom,” I said.

“Well you’re certainly in the right place.  If you just want to put your name down on one of our freedom sheets we’ll get you fixed up with some freedom in no time flat.  How much freedom were you interested in…the tall, medium, or large portion of freedom?”

“Can I get that freedom supersized?!?”

“ABSOLUTELY!!”

(((hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!))))

“Why we absolutely can do that.  We get orders everyday to supersize freedom and we just love supersizing freedom because the more freedom you get, the better you’ll be, right?”

“RIGHT!”

Freedom fighters celebrate diversity and, of course, freedom over pizza, chips, and other shitty food.

“So, would you like to volunteer for freedom now?”

“No time like the present…cause freedom isn’t free.”

“Well said.  So, let me show you where we keep our freedom phones for freedom phone banking.  Let me introduce you to Biff, Barbie, Buffy, Bobby, Billie, and Chip….we call them our Take Our Country Back evening crew.”

“Hi welcome to Freedom Headquarters!!’ said the six lily white Republican freedom fighters gleefully. “What’s your name?!?”

“I’m Skippy,” I lied.

“Well, you’ll fit right in!!”

“So how long have you guys been Romney supporters?”

(((Ahem))  “We’re FREEDOM supporters,” they said correcting me.

“We’re not REALLY Romney supporters,” said Barbie, “as much as we’re just against a colored man being President who has taken our country from us.”

“Hi I’m Bobby….please vote white, just because it’s right.”

“And we just want it back before he ruins it like colored people ruin everything,” said Biff.

“But we’re not racist or anything,” chimed in Buffy….”we just don’t like colored people being in charge of our freedom.”

“Well said Buffy,” said Bobby.

“Well I can understand that,” I said concurring with their well-thought-out analysis.

Republican freedom fighters hold this child, who accidentally wandered into their headquarters from her ghetto of welfare and squalor, until a swat team arrives.
“It’s been a terrifying ordeal,” said one fat white woman who refused to be identified. “I JUST WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!!!!!” screamed another.

“So let’s get you started on freedom! Here’s your freedom phone and here’s one of your freedom phone scripts if you’d like to go over it a few times to see how you do.”

“Okay…..let me just read over this a couple of times”:

Hi, I’m calling to ask you to support Mitt Romney for President.  We must take our country back now and we can’t afford four more years  of a Muslim radical running our country into the ground and giving away all of our hard-earned dollars to the 47 percent of the shiftless and lazy colored people who don’t want to work and live on welfare and stuff.   We’re not racist or anything….we just don’t like colored people very much which is why we’re asking for your support on November 6th.  Please vote for Romney.  If you have any questions or you would like to volunteer or if you need a yard sign, call us at 645-Fre-dumb.

“That’s a great sounding script.”

“Glad you like it.  We wrote it.  Just get started and let us know if you need anything.  There’s pizza, chips, and soda in the room next door.   Just remember to always keep the following in your mind when you’re making calls”:

“FREEDOM IS WHITE AND WHITE IS RIGHT!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)))  “I just love working with all of you,” said Chip.  “How ’bout a group hug?”

“A FREEDOM HUG!!”

“And on that note, this is SPB….on location, at a local Republican campaign headquarters.”

“We take great pride in our diversity,” said Ophelia Cox as she prepares to cut this ribbon of freedom.