Category Archives: Religion Crucified

Land “Snakes” Alive !!!

A snake-handling preacher was bitten and killed by a rattlesnake on Saturday.

And it’s about goddamn time.  With a name, occupation, and penchant for religious looney activities that can only come from Kentucky, wide-eyed Kentucky Pentecostal preacher,  Jamie Coots, finally fucked around with the wrong snake and one that didn’t much cotton to his religious rantings.  A rattler,  an atheist snake no doubt, bit and done killed him.  Finally.

Jamie Coots gone to meet his maker thanks to........

Jamie Coots gone to meet his maker thanks to……..

...this guy...our hero.

…this guy…our hero.

Believe it or not, they actually made a reality TV show, called Snake Salvation, out of this guy dancing around with snakes while speaking in tongues and taking his own worthless life in his own hands week in and week out.   Coots has been bitten eight times before during his 21 year reign of handling snakes.  But on Saturday some snake had apparently had it up to here with his bullshit and bit the fuck out of him.  Coots, being Pentecostal, refused medical treatment figuring god would come through for him.  God, in true form,  didn’t bail him out.  Maybe there is a god after all.

Coots’ wife, daughter, and son will carry on  his legacy and continue dancing with snakes. In fact, they’re celebrating Coots life by dancing with snakes around his corpse right now at his wake.

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After they get done, assuming they, too, don’t get bit, all of them and a bunch of  other in-bred, toothless pedophile family members and friends will all head to Cracker Barrel for Sunday Brunch.

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…which begs the question, don’t they have anything better to do in Kentucky?

The clear answer to that is yes:

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Celebrity Atheists

Adam Corolla, Patton Oswalt, Bill Maher, Woody Allen, God, Ricky Gervais, Barry Manilow, Rob Reiner, and Seth McFarlane are just a few of the famous people who made this year’s Celebrity Atheist List.

American Atheist Curator, Eric Shun, said this year’s addition of so many comedians make the overall list the most varied in U.S. history.

Atheist curator, Eric Shun

Atheist curator, Eric Shun

“No one expected Patton Oswalt (of King of Queens fame) to be a non-believer,” said Shun.  “He just looks like a believer.”

Non believer, Oswalt, clowns around with a knife

Non believer, Oswalt, clowns around with a knife

God making the 2013 list was a surprise to many.

“I was surprised because most everyone on this year’s list, besides Barry Manilow, is a comedian,” said Shun.  “Everyone knows that most comedians are atheists. And, likewise, everyone knows that God was no comedian.  On the other hand….maybe there are things we DIDN’T know about God.”

Which begs the question….Is it possible God was a comedian?

“Doubtful,” said God expert O. Howie Dickter.  “I’ve never heard or read about anything God did that was considered funny.”

O. Howie Dickter

O. Howie Dickter

Others were not as surprised to learn that God didn’t believe in God.

“Many people have suspected that God didn’t believe in God even before God existed,” said Dickter of the The Philosophy of God Institute in Washington D.C.   “After all, there’s clear evidence that shows God not only did not create the heavens and earth, but he pretty much just stood around while all of it was going on to include the oceans and the rest of the shit that was created.”

Curator Shun said God was reportedly nothing more than a drunkard living in a disheveled state in what is now known as Kansas.

“In today’s times, God would have been known as the town drunk if there HAD been towns and if there HAD been people.  But they had not  been created yet.”

Residents of Kansas, 99.7 percent of who are Christians, were not unexpectedly stunned….

“I don’t believe it now and I’ll never believe it,” said Kansas Christian, Dean Gil Barry of Topeka.  “It just can’t be true.  How in God’s name can Barry Manilow be an atheist? My wife Bonnie and I just saw him in concert last month at the Topeka Palladium.  There’s no way the guy I saw sing Copacabana could not believe in God…..no way,” said Gil Berry in an obvious state of angst mixed with denial.

Dean Gil Berry of Topeka, Kansas

Dean Gil Berry of Topeka, Kansas

Yet former A & M records executive, Saul Rothstein, says that long ago he discovered that when you reverse play the 1974 #1 smash hit “Mandy” on a conventional turntable, the words played backwards clearly say “God doesn’t exist and even if he did he’d be a piece of shit.”

Atheist?  It just can't be...

Atheist? It just can’t be…

When asked about this, Manilow declined to comment except to say “Mandy” sold six million copies in the U.S. and Germany alone which should speak for itself.

Asked if he remembers the exact day he became an atheist, Manilow said,

♫”I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into

Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well you came and you gave without taking
And I need you today, oh Mandy….♫

As for God, Gil Berry of Topeka said he still believes in God even though God doesn’t believe in God.

“This is America….the land of freedom where people have the right to worship as they choose….and God has the right to believe in anything he wants.”

Eric Shun, the Atheist curator, says that, besides Manilow, this year’s list consisted of so many comedians that it must mean that God’s true calling was to be a comedian instead of being God.

“He was likely God the comedian and not God the God.  But we may never know for sure,” said Shun.

Which means it’s entirely possible that the last few thousand years, the billions of stupid, fucking Americans who believe in God was really nothing more than one big comedy act.

One big comedy act

One big comedy act

“There’s no other way to explain it,” Shun said.  “No other way.”

Rick Warren’s Son Explains

Police released the letter today that Matthew Warren son of mega-Evangelist, Rick Warren, left behind. Warren died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound last week:

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Dear Everyone,

I’m sorry I’m doing this but YOU try being the son of a pasty-white, fat-ass pussy who is as phony as a three-dollar bill.  I’d just had enough of it….that’s all. Yes, I was depressed as hell. But here’s a news flash:  I was depressed because I was the son of this asshole.  “A Purpose Driven Life.”  HA!!!  More like “A Money Driven Life.”  To all of you fucked-up suckers out there who think my fat asshole of a father is in this for God, LOL !! I got some oceanfront property in Nebraska to sell you.  This guy is in it for one thing and one thing only…MONEY !!!!!!  Did you know that this guy doesn’t even BELIEVE in God?!?!  He’d come home every Sunday after one of his fucked-up sermons and talk and laugh for hours about how taking money from his “flock” was like shooting fish in a barrel. Believe me everyone….this fat bastard is giving all of you “A Purpose Driven Ass-Fucking.” So don’t feel bad for me because I never have to see this fuck and his dumb goatee again or listen to another word of his horseshit.  As for those of you who are his followers…you should feel sorry for yourselves because you are still going to be around for this dick to ram you up the ass and take your money.  So goodbye and good luck.   You’ll need it.  Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.

Matthew Warren

Don’t worry…..God’s got it….

jesus-resurrection

…so where the fuck is he then?  That’s what everyone would like to know.

Here we are on the cusp of yet another Easter when this motherfucker is supposed to show.  And for about the 10 thousandth year in a row, it looks like he’s gonna be a no show…AGAIN!!

FUCK!!!!!!

The world, especially the U.S., is going to hell in a handbasket with queers marrying queers, an illegal alien President trying to take all of our guns away, Mexicans taking over everything as far as the eye can see, and the “Christ” being taken right the fuck out of Christmas.  And nobody’s doing a goddamn thing about it.

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Year after year, all the prayer in the world….

“When you need him most he just won’t show the fuck up and we’ve been waiting around for this guy to show forever” said Willie-Buster Cherry of Crotchrot, Mississippi.

woman praying silhoutte

….don’t seem to do…..

“Crawdads are scarce….ain’t been a goddamn good catfish crop in more than two years in the lake over yonder, prices are going up at Wal-Mart everyday….and niggers and Mexican’s are taking over EVERYTHING!  Queers are getting married!! Where’s God when you need him…that’s what I’d like to know,” added a thoughtful Cherry.

...no good

…any good

People all over the place, particularly in the deep southern part of the U.S., have had it up to here waiting for God to make a return appearance to earth and a lot of people are beginning to ask their elected representatives to do something about it.

“I’m sick of waiting,” said Claude Balls also of Crotchrot.  “All my life, my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, they’ve been telling us that God is coming back and we wait and wait and wait and nothing….and we’re all getting fucking sick of it.  We’re even starting to think he’s not coming at all.”

redneck_mentor

Frustrated by yet another God no-show, Willie Buster Cherry and Claude Balls of Mississippi do what they do best…..relax

“We’re pretty patient people down here in Mississippi but what the fuck does it take?” said Cherry. “I’m nearly 70 and I’m sick and disabled and I’m starting to wonder if I’m even gonna be around when God shows up.  Every single Sunday Preacher keeps telling us that God is coming…God is coming.  We put all this money in the collection plate thinking he’s coming….and then he just don’t come.”

“So you DO think he’s gonna show up…..but you just think it’s a question of when?”

“Exactly.  Of course we all know God’s coming sooner or later….but we would just like to know when! If someone says they’re gonna do something, down here in Mississippi we take a man at his word.”

“Why…..sometimes I begin to wonder whether or not he….”

“…exists at all?” I said finishing the inbred cracker’s sentence for him.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?! Of COURSE NOT!! I was gonna say……whether or not God is not coming because he’s pissed at us for being the sinners we are.”

“So you think God is just pissed and disgusted by queers getting married and Mexican’s taking over everything?’

“We figure that’s gotta be the reason…..least wise, that’s what Preacher says on Sunday.  And he says it’s important for all of us to give as much as we can to the collection plate each Sunday so we can help God to change things once he does come. But I’m beginning to  wonder where all that money me and everyone else is giving the preacher each Sunday is going cause every year God don’t show up for this resurrection thing on Easter.”

We here at Southpaw Beagle wish, too, that God would show up already and fix things and end this silly notion that some people are spreading that all religion is a farce, preachers, priests, rabbis, and all the rest of the people who preach the word of God are carpetbaggers, pedophiles, perverts, degenerates, and liars, who exist because stupid fucking Americans continue to believe in a myth in the sky, and the U.S. is really just a den of debauchery and deceit with no redeeming qualities.  Because of course we know that can’t be true.

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Happy fucking Easter.

Pope Francis Now Condemns “Dirty War”

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Pope Francis said today that he was really pissed when someone recently told him that more than 30 thousand people were tortured, “disappeared,” and murdered during Argentina’s infamous “Dirty War” between 1976 and 1983. According to the Pope, if he had just KNOWN about what was going he would probably have done something to try and stop it.

The new Pope, who was then known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio and rose to become Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was a priest during this period of state-sponsored terrorism.

3024-Pope’s-election-revives-row-over-Argentine-junta

Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now The Pope, says he never knew he was “palling around with terrorists.”

“Hey, I was a pretty busy guy back then just trying to live my life,” said the Pope in an interview with us.

Living my life with Francisco Videla

Living my life with junta leader Jorge Videla

“I did see a lot more activity back then from some group that called itself, I believe, ‘The Junta’….but I didn’t think much of it. Actually, it made me feel pretty safe in the streets to see them around.  Almost daily I’d see the military grabbing some guy at a bus stop, or in the library, at soccer games….even at church and then dragging them away.  I never thought anything of it. I figured whoever it was they were grabbing must have done something wrong or were just held overnight to sleep off a good drunk.  I was just thankful they were keeping us safe, that’s all.”

“Didn’t they even haul away people you had known for years?” I asked.

“Yea a few people,” said the Pope.  “They took away one of my deacons once…a guy named Jesus I knew for 20 years.  And they grabbed my neighbor Rodolfo who I used to play pinochle with every Friday night for 15 years.”

“Did you ever see them again?”

“Now that you mention it, no I didn’t.  I always kind of wondered what might have happened to those guys. I’ll have to look them up….maybe drop em a Christmas card.”

The Pope said The Junta even asked him to help them out from time to time in their nation-wide campaign to teach non-swimmers how to swim.

This 30 March, 1976, file photo shows Argentine Ge

The Pope says he thought these guys were his friends. He says now he would like to tell them a thing or two like “you fellows should be ashamed of yourselves….but let us pray.”

“The Junta were really good guys who wanted to give swimming lessons to some of our fellow countrymen who didn’t know how to swim,” said the Pope. “So they would take these guys in plane rides over the our beautiful Rio De La Plata or even the Atlantic Ocean and they asked me to come along every now and then to help make these guys feel less nervous about being pushed out of the plane at 4000 feet.  I even helped push some of the more nervous guys and it really made me feel good to be doing my part for them.”

"Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up," said the Pope...."but WTF, who was I to question The Junta."

“Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up,” said the Pope….”but WTF, who was I to question The Junta.”

“Did that ever strike you as a rather unorthodox way to teach people to swim?”

“Well, it did strike me as little high up….I mean, the highest I had ever seen was like the eight foot diving board at my apartment complex.  But who am I to question such a group of great guys who are trying to help out their fellow man?”

“How many people did you help ‘teach’ to swim?”

“I went on maybe 10 trips and we must have pushed about 18 guys out a plane load.  So I would say I helped at least a couple hundred guys learn to swim who otherwise wouldn’t know how today.  I felt good about that and I felt like I was doing God’s work.”

“Have you spoken to any of those guys since….or even seen them?”

“Come to think of it no….but I just figured they had all moved on with their lives and were now out there teaching others.  Needless to say if I had known these guys were plunging 4000 feet to their deaths, I probably would have tried to at least talk to the pilot of the plane about it or something.  I mean, like, WTF?!   So I’m kind of pissed about the whole thing and now I just feel used quite frankly.  Those guys in The Junta always seemed pretty squared away and straight shooters to me.  If I had known maybe I would have told them to knock it off or something.”

“We were able to find one guy who somehow survived his ‘swimming lesson’– Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez–a left-wing poet and now a quadriplegic who says he doesn’t remember much about his ‘incident’ in Dec of 1978….but he says he does remember the Pope.”

jaime-daremblum

Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez says he happy the Pope is from Argentina….but thinks he’s a stupid dick for falling for The Junta’s bullshit.

“Yea sure…I remember him.  I mean I was half drugged out of my mind but I’ll never forget the Pope, who of course wasn’t a Pope then and a much younger guy, giving me a bunch of Hail Marys before pushing me out the back of that fucking plane into ice cold water.  Luckily a fishing boat happened to come along and fish me out of there…but I was pretty fucked up by then and I can tell you that I sure as shit didn’t learn how to swim.”

“So, in effect, Pope, you didn’t do shit to stop the ‘Dirty War’ and, if anything, were complicit….is that correct?”

“As my spokesman has repeatedly noted, no credible proof has ever been adduced against me.”

“I mean, didn’t the name ‘Dirty War’ even strike you as a little odd?”

“Not really…..I mean during wars soldiers get dirty and muddy and stuff.  I figured that’s how they got the name.  And as far as me not ‘doing shit,’ I was busy as hell giving mass, hearing confessions of 80-year-old women, washing the feet of poor and sick people, organizing bake sales, car washes, and other fund raisers, committing sex offenses with alter boys, and a whole lot more.  Why I bet during this war I never got more than eight hours sleep a night with all of the noise and shit that was going on outside.”

“You seem like a coward, Pope Francis…..but if that’s unfair or overly harsh I apologize.”

“That’s okay son…now, let’s do what I do best and let’s pray together because that is my answer to everything.”

The Vatican’s Stunning Choice

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Pope Feces

The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope  instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.

‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.  

Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old  Donald O’Conner movies of the 50’s.

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“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.

Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.

“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. “The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”

“That sounds impossible.  How do you expect to do that?” I asked.

“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained.  “Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year.  Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse.  Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year.  Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”

Ration card sample

Sex abuse ration card sample

Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.

After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby “Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill”  for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.

“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov.  “Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off.   I mean, the guy’s had a long day.  But tomorrow  he’ll be ready to do the business of the  one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”

 

Pope Vote

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White smoke means a pasty, old,perverted white guy has been selected

Attention Cardinals….please cast your vote from the list of nominees listed below:

1.) Cardinal from Italy:  40 years in the church who began molesting alter boys as a 22-year-old priest;  is a traditional homophobe and is dead set again women in the church.

2.) Cardinal from Canada:  Has more than 100 under-aged molestations to his credit; 30 years in the church;  Good with his hands, especially when it comes to ass-grabbing of boys aged 14 and under.

3.) Cardinal from America:  41 years in the church who rose through the Catholic ranks by looking the other way while over 150 priests under his jurisdiction committed sex crimes with under aged choir boys;  Has over 200 molestations to his own credit.

4.)  Cardinal from The Philippines:   Reverent and committed to the church….as well as to the molestation of boys at the youngest ages possible.  Coined the phrase, “Sex after Eight and it’s too late.”

5.)  Cardinal from Argentina:  Committed to the Catholic Church with a “hands on” approach to his faith….especially if it means “hands on” young boy asses which he has had his hands on more than 450 times during his decades in the church.

Please select one of the following perverts listed above by circling their name and then casting your vote as quickly as possible so that we can get on with the business of wide-spread corruption, debauchery, secrecy, and perversion of the highest order.

Black smoke means,well, pretty much the same fucking thing as white smoke

Black smoke means,well, pretty much the same fucking thing as white smoke