Category Archives: Pussy Politicians

The Huckabee Family Hired to Promote New Subway Sandwich

Dispensing with further pretensions of actually selling healthful food, mega-sandwich chain, Subway, has hired former Arkansas Gov. and Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee and his evangelical Christian, animal-torturing family to promote its new sandwich known simply as “The Hog.”

1st Family of Morbid Obesity dressing up like an American flag (Note: the dog in picture was unfortunately eaten by Huckabee's oldest son, David, {pictured between Huckabee and his wife} just seconds after this photo was taken)

“We predict ‘The Hog’ will be our next great seller,” said Didi Boner, public relations executive for Subway, “and what better family to promote it than the 1st Family of Morbid Obesity, the Huckabee family.”

“What about Jared?” I asked.

“Who?” said Boner.  “With America’s morbid obesity rates teetering around the 80 percentile, we give up on the lame ‘eating fresh and healthy’ kick that we were on for a few years.   Our new aim is to promote what Americans want….cheap, fattening food marketed by obese evangelical Christians.  Thus, our new direction has opened the doors to introducing ‘The Hog’ which is probably our most unhealthy sandwich yet….and perhaps the most unhealthy sandwich of all-time,” said Boner.  “And what better guy to do that than someone like Mike Huckabee who, like the sandwich, is cheap, fattening, and totally cheesy,” added Boner.

The Godfather of Lard and Fat Back

“The Hog” is two pounds of center cut pork loin deep-fried in pure bacon grease, injected with four ounces of Cheese-Whiz, coated in powdered sugar, and deep-fried again, dipped in a sugary glaze, and sandwiched between two deep-fried Belgian sugar waffles coated in chocolate and piled high with six slices of fat back, four slices of American cheese, and topped off with a sugary mayonnaise sauce.

The Hog

“Now that’s my kind of sandwich,” said  Mike Huckabee after signing a multi-million dollar contract for him and his family to appear in Subway commercials promoting “The Hog.”  Huckabee and his two sons alone, the oldest of whom (David) is also a former dog torturer and reputed camp child molester, weigh in at nearly 1200 pounds.

Childhood photo of Huckabee sons preparing for a lifetime of morbid obesity

“My wife is just under 200 pounds but she’s working hard to get her weight up to Subway and American evangelical Christian standards which, in her case, needs to be around 225.  Once she reaches that weight she can appear in commercials with us.”

"Jowls" Huckabee appears at press conference promoting "The Hog"

“It’s a doggone good sandwich,” said David Huckabee who polished off three of the four pound concoctions in less than 15 minutes.

Subway measures David's girth to make sure he meets the standards of "The Hog"

“We’re proud of our new sandwich,” said Boner and we expect it to do particularly well as people begin to associate it with the 1st Family of Morbid Obesity as well as the things that are important to them, like an unhealthy diet, pussy evangelical Christianity, mercilessly killing dogs, and lashing out against homosexuals, abortion, and anything else the Huckabees consider immoral.”

(Note:  This just in…the Huckabee family, along with Newt Gingrich, is also in negotiations for a multi-million dollar deal to serve as spokespersons for Gas-X.)

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Rick Santorum Busted for Park Exposure

Former Pennsylvania Senator, devout Roman Catholic, and possible candidate for President in 2012, Rick Santorum, was arrested late Wednesday afternoon for exposing himself to two elderly women at a park near Harrisburg.

“It was the most disgusting thing I ever saw,” said Gladys Kravitz referring to what she saw when Santorum allegedly dropped his slacks. “Pasty, white, ugly, love handles, and the smallest pecker I’ve ever seen.”

Gladys Kravitz is stunned by the private parts of family values exhibitionist Santorum

“The thing I remember most is how small his pecker was,” said Doris Ziffel, the other victim of the exposure.  “I mean, I didn’t know whether to scream or to laugh.”

Stunned Doris Ziffel says her pig Arnold has a bigger prick than Rick's.

Santorum, a cross dresser and recovering pedophile, was taken into custody by park policeman, Gunther Toody.  “Hey, here I was minding my own fucking business having a donut and coffee at the park concession and this douchebag comes out of fucking nowhere and drops his pants right in front of these two fucking old bags.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I mean, this guy was a douche as a Senator to begin with.  I sure as shit never voted for him….but now THIS!?!  Fuck me.  I spit out my donut and ran over and just grabbed the guy.”

“He started blubbering some shit about “wanting to spend more time with his family,” said Toody….”but I just slapped a set of cuffs on him even before he had a chance to pull his pants up. And you know what he does next?  The  dickhead offers me a bribe.   I just threw his ass in the back of my patrol car and off we went.

“What happened to him?” I asked

“Fuck if I know what they did with  him,” said a less than sympathetic Toody.  Who gives a shit?”

Park Police Officer Toody poses w/ his parents

Ms. Kravitz and Ms. Ziffel remained at the park where they took questions from reporters who seemed less interested in Santorum’s alleged exposure than his dick size:

“Yes Ma’am….can you give us an estimate of the size of Senator Santorum’s dick?”

“Was he erect or limp?”

“Ma”am, would you describe it as a one-eyed king cobra or a tiny garden snake?”

Santorum is being held without bail in the Harrisburg County Jail. Thus far he has made no comment other that to ask a county policeman, “Hey, do you think this will hurt my Presidential chances in 2012?’

To answer that question:  this is, of course, America.  Thus, such a scandal can only HELP Senator Santorum’s chances.  He is a Republican after all.  So start getting your Oval Office drapes measured Senator.

Ask the Intellectuals…

Welcome to, “Ask the Intellectuals.”  I’m your host, Southpawbeagle.

In this episode, we ask four of the most renowned minds of the 17th, and 2oth/21st centuries, Keynesian  economist, John Kenneth Galbraith, philosopher and professor, Dr. Cornel West,  linguist and philosopher, Noam Chomsky, and poet, John Keats….the following compelling question:

“Why are Republicans such fat,  worthless, whiny, cock-sucking, earthshatteringly spineless, self-serving, weasely, fuck-stick, christian pussies?”

Southpaw: “Shall we start with you Mr. Galbraith?”

Galbraith:  “Call me Ken”

“Okay, Ken, what are your thoughts on today’s question?”

John Kenneth Galbraith

Galbraith:  “Thank you Southpaw….and thank you for allowing us to address this all important subject.  Indeed, the modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s  oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.  Thus, in my estimation it is difficult in the difficult economic times in which we find ourselves, to determine if Republicans are more worthless, whiny cocksuckers…or worthless, spineless and self-serving fuck-sticks.”

Dr. West:  “Thus, if I interpret your analysis correctly Sir Ken, you are without question saying they are worthless fuck-sticks, correct?”

Ken: “Yes Dr. West…but a determination should eventually be made via quantitative research analysis whether or not they are more worthless pussies or worthless fuck-sticks.”

Poet Keats:  “But gentlemen….can they not be both…and much, much more.  I implore you.  I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart’s affections, and the truth of imagination….that, and the fact that Republicans are pasty, white, dough-boy, christian fuck-sticks who are worthless.”

Southpaw:  “Mr. Keats, as moderator, I must ask you to refrain from adding extraneous and  gratuitous adjectives to this conversation.”

Poet Keats:  “My humble apologies”

Professor Chomsky:  “Gentlemen, without question our ignorance can be divided into problems and mysteries. When we face a problem, we may not know its solution, but we have insight, increasing knowledge, and an inkling of what we are looking for. When we face a mystery, however, we can only stare in wonder and bewilderment, not knowing what an explanation would even look like.  However, there is NO mystery…and there is NO bewilderment to the mere fact that all Republicans are, indeed, fat, tiny-penised, worthless, christian pussies.  This much can be linguistically measured.”

Professor Chomsky

Galbraith:  “But you agree that there is economic and empirical evidence that they are fuck-sticks?  This much we may ascertain?”

Keats/Chomsky in unison:  “Why of course…indubitably, undeniably, unequivocally, without question!!”

Southpaw: “Dr. West, do you concur?”

Dr. West

Dr. West: ” In situations of sparse resources along with degraded self-images and depolitcized sensibilities, one avenue for poor people is an existential rebellion and anarchic expression.  The  capacity to produce social chaos is the last resort of desperate people.”

Southpaw:  So, Republicans are more fat,  worthless, whiny, cock-sucking, and earthshatteringly spineless, or self-serving, weasely, fuck-stick, christian pussies, Dr. West?”

Dr. West:  “Both…without question.”

Southpaw: “To quote American author, J.D. Salinger, to each of you…you are a scholar and a gentleman and I thank you.  Mr. Keats, I give you the last word…”

Keats conceptualizes poem about the doughboy love handles of Newt Gingrich

Keats:

“How strange it is that man on earth should roam,
And lead a life of woe, but not forsake
His rugged path; nor dare he view alone
His future doom which is but to awake…….and, of course, Republicans such fat,  worthless, whiny, cock-sucking, earthshatteringly spineless, self-serving, weasely, fuck-stick, christian pussies.”

Southpaw:  “Thank you.  And I bid you goodnight.”

Join Southpawbeagle in the next episode of our series, “Ask the Intellectuals”, as he brings together the great minds of Gloria Steinem, Aung San Suu Kyi, Margaret Mead, and Susan Faludi who will consider the complexity of the following question:  “Which being has the smallest brain, the fruit fly, the mosquito, or Michele Bachmann?”

I think, therefore I am.....not a worthless, pasty, cocksucking, spineless, Republican pussy, christian fuck-stick

I am therefore I thunk

Speaker of the House Afflicted With Encopresis

To honor our new Speaker of the House, we release this little known heart-warming story about this orange-tanned man……

For years, House Minority Leader John Boehner has been known (mostly behind his back) as “Piles.”   But no one, except for his closet confidants, knew why…until now.

An aide close to Boehner who refuses to be identified explained the nickname to Southpaw in a short interview on the National Mall recently during the aide’s lunch break….

“You didn’t hear this from me…but Rep. Boehner shits his pants,” said the aide.

Boehner, the aide confirmed, suffers from a disorder, diagnosed in the DSM IV, known as “Encopresis” which, in clinical language, means uncontrollably dumping a hot, smelly, steamy load in one’s fucking drawers, which occurs as a result of developmental or emotional issues.

"Piles" wipes away perspiration after dumping a load in pants

“He does it all the time,” said the aide.  “We’ll be sitting there in a meeting and next thing you know you see his face tighten up and turn more orange than normal and you can just tell he’s ready to dump one.  And the smell…jesus oh god the smell!!  Have you ever smelled a skunk out in the country side?” asked the aide.  “Well, it’s like that mixed with burning tires.  The House Minority Leader has a nasty ass,” the aide concluded not really helping matters much.

“Yep….  ‘Piles’ is a pants shitter,” said Boehner’s colleague and best friend, Eric Cantor, resigned to the fact that this embarrassing revelation is now grist for the mill.  “We’ve been trying to get John to address this issue for years but he’s always like, ‘I’ll take care of it’ …and then he never does because he’ll be back first thing Monday morning shitting his pants again and I swear to god it smells like a motherfucker.”

"This is the man I want 'Piles' to be...but the man I know he'll never be," said Cantor

Boehner also suffers from other childhood disorders such as Tourettes Syndrome and Oppositional Defiant Disorder and one adult affliction, Erectile Dysfunction.

“I think ‘Piles’ putting all of the orange tan crap on is a compensation for his not being able to get his dick up which is really funny because what woman in her right mind would want to get it on with a guy who shits his pants,” added Boehner’s best friend, Cantor.

“I wouldn’t want to,” he added…..”even though I have.”

(((hmmm, really? thought Southpaw.   An intriguing story for another day)))

John Boehner Thanks Huffington Post for Their Contribution to the Republican’s Mid-Term Landslide

Soon to be Speak of the House, John Boehner (Republican Rep. Ohio), tearfully thanked the Huffington Post blog today for the part they played in his party’s takeover of the U.S. House of Representatives.

“We have a lot of people to thank,” said Boehner.  “The people have spoken and they want their country back from the black socialist who has taken their country from them.  But I would like to especially thank the Huffington Post in its relentless publishing of negative headlines and stories of this President from the minute he took office.  If it hadn’t been for them….if he hadn’t been for them…..”, Boehner stuttered before breaking down in air-gasping sobs. 

Recent polls show that the Huffington Post ranks near the top, along  with the National Review, the American Enterprise Institute, and the Washington Times, in terms of the number of embellished headlines and negative stories unfavorable towards the President and the Democratic Congress. 

“The Huffington Post is our friend,” Boehner went on….and I’ll be damned if I’m going sit here and let anyone try to take them away from me,” he said once again tearing up.  “I mean, a lot of my colleagues have heard me say often that I didn’t come here to Washington to be a Congressman….I came here to protect our freedoms and our constitution.  3000 of our fellow Americans died on 9/11 and I’m just wondering, when are we going to do something about it?  When are we going to fight them back?  When are we going to get the terrorists who did this to us?  When are we going to defend the Huffington Post for standing up for our freedoms, our way of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?  The Huffington Post and I want OUR CUNTRY BACK!!!!” (((SOB)))!!!

(Editor’s note:  SPB echos every sob, every whimper, ever snivel, and every sentiment of the soon to be Speaker of the House.  We, too, would like to take this moment to thank the Huffington Post for the integral part it played in throwing the bums out, returning Congress to Republican control, and helping to give our country back to us.  Thank you Huffington Post)

Famous Republican Men with Small Penises

Some of the most powerful Republican men in Washington have somehow managed to rise to unprecedented heights of power despite having tiny penises which in and of itself is unprecedented.

“It is unprecedented,” said penis expert, Dr. Mike Oxsbig,  author of the book Big Men, Little Dicks, “that these famous men who are all-powerful could rise to such power with little or no penis.  In my many years of research and studies, I’ve found that most powerful men have a good size on em….all but Republican men who nearly 100 percent of the time have a serious size deficit that seems at odds with the power that they wield.”

Dr. Mike Oxsbig, author of "Big Men....Little Dicks"

“Are you at liberty to name names Dr. Oxsbig?” asked Southpaw

“Of course I am,” said Dr. Oxsbig.

“Aren’t you afraid of being sued?”

“Why would I be?….It’s pretty common knowledge that these Republican men have little dicks that offer no pleasure except to Mary Fivefingers, Palmala Handerson, or Anita Handjob.  Besides, all of them are divulged in my book, Big Men, Little Dicks.”

“Well?”

“Okay….here goes…..in categories starting with under four inches but larger than three… hard:  Jon Kyl, John Cornyn, Lindsey Graham, John McCain, Paul Ryun, Kit Bond, Kay Bailey Hutchinson……

“Wait a minute!!  She’s a woman!!!”

“So say some….  May I continue?”

“Yes…please”

…under four inches but larger than three….hard….Trent Franks, John Thune, James Inhofe, Tom Coburn, Phil Gingrey, Jack Kingston, Dan Burton, and Pat Roberts.”

“In the category of under three inches, which means anywhere from three inches to less than one…” :  John Boehner, Todd Palin, Mitch McConnell,  Joe Barton, Louie Gohmert , John Ensign, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Larry Craig (disclaimer: Larry has been known to get up to four inches with a member of same-sex), Tom Delay (former Rep. of Texas….but still has less than three-inch pecker), Jeff Sessions, David Vitter, Tom Price, Mike Pence, Mark Souder, Steve King, Thaddeus McCotter, Roy Blunt, Joe Wilson, John Culberson, Lamar Smith, Jeb Hensarling, Jim DeMint, Sam Brownback, Newt Gingrich, Joe the Plumber,  Saxby Chambliss, GWB, Jeb Bush, and Dick Cheney.”

“Do all powerful Washington Democrats have big dicks then,” asked Southpaw.

“All but two,’ said Dr. Oxsbig.  “Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman who fall somewhere in between the two aforementioned categories.”

Big Men, Little Dicks goes on sale this coming weekend at Borders, Barnes and Noble, and Books a Million.

Study Shows that Republican Men Are Fat, Ugly, Pasty-White, Love-Handled, Christian Pussies

The results of a two-year long research study at Duke University has determined what many suspected already:  Republican men are fat, ugly, pasty white, love-handled Christian pussies.

Hugh Janus, a fat Republican Christian pussy washed out of the Duke experiment after only one week because of excessive masturbation to the lingerie section of Sears catalogs

“This was a difficult empirical study in some respects and easy in others,”  said Dr. Barry McDikkin who led the research project.  “The most difficult part was the correlation between the characteristics of ‘ugly’ and ‘Christians’ simply because some of the hundreds of Republicans that we used in our experimental design of statistical analysis were not necessarily as ugly as others which is where our problem with reliability and validity came into play.   In other words, not all of our Republican subjects were necessarily ugly per se…but we found that all of our ugly Republicans were, indeed, all Christians.”

Cox Ucker, a bald-headed Christian pussy, was one of hundreds of pasty white Republican men who participated in the Duke University study

“However,” went on Dr. McDikkin, “we also found that there was an extremely reliable correlation between Republican Christians and pussies.  Nearly 100 percent of our Republican subjects who were Christians were also pussies,” he said.

Luke Atmadick, is accompanied to the experimental location at Duke University by his domineering Christian wife who threatened to sit on his face if he did not participate in the experiment for which he earned $10 per hour

Asked how he knew they were pussies, Dr. McDikkin explained that under intense questioning, nearly all subjects admitted that they were sniveling, whining weasels who would fuck over even their best friends and family to get ahead…but were completely devoted to Christ as their savior but only in the most hypocritical fashion.

The father of fat, Republican, Christian pussies, Jerry Falwell

“The common denominator between all Republican Christian pussies is, without question, hypocrisy,” said McDikkin.  “Every single one of these men claimed a total devotion to Christ as their savior yet all of them, based on their answers to questioning, were remarkably susceptible to lying, manipulation, adultery, dabbling in child pornography, sexual abuse of anyone and anything they come in contact with, and generally just fucking everyone over who happens to cross their collective paths.”

Pete O. File, turned out to be the best subject of the entire experiment simply because he was not only a Christian pussy but, to those who knew him, a pussy hound

Asked who inspired this long and costly experiment, McDikkin said the entire premise of the experiment was based on the granddaddy of fat, love-handled, ugly, pasty white, Christian Republican pussies, Newt Gingrich.

“Obviously Newt Gingrich is who we used as a basis of our experiment,” acknowledged McDikkin.  “I mean, who else is as disgustingly fat, pasty-white, love-handled, and as much of a  Christian pussy as he is?  He is indeed the quintessential ugly, fat, pasty-white, love-handled, Republican Christian pussy,” said McDikkin.

The fattest Christian pussy of em all, Newt Gingrich