Category Archives: Pussy Politicians

Pussy Face Erectus

Famed anthropologist, Dr. I. Yankit, who discovered pussy face erectus explains its uniqueness, history, and evolution to his students at MIT:

“Ladies and gentleman…it is in this being that we have essentially discovered the missing link between regular people and the legions of pussy American men who are soulless, evangelical eunuchs.”

Dr. I. Yankit

Dr. I. Yankit

“Is it a he or she, doctor?”

“Well, that would be the million dollar question, Mr. Smithers, to which there are no easy answers.  Therefore, I have simply been referring to it as it.  Notice the large hips and waist similar to those of a woman…and the petite hands with no visible signs of ever having done any labor of any kind in its life…that is, except for the curious callouses on its right hand suggesting less of labor and more of it having spent an extraordinary amount of time gratifying itself….perhaps as much as 18 times a day.”

ted-cruz

Pussy Face Erectus

“What about its sex organs doctor…does it have any?”

“Another good question.  Pussy face erectus SEEMS to have the penis of a male….yet it is one of the smallest recorded in history on a male specimen.  For that reason I’m unable to fully determine its gender.”

“What about its face, Professor?  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Well that is because there never HAS been anything like it, Mr. Smithers.  Notice the pasty and puffy cherub cheeks as well as the sharp nose.  Notice the beady, cold, and expressionless eyes and the thin lips and small, sharp teeth not entirely unlike those of a man-eating piranha.  Then there are the jowls underneath its chin.  Notice the hanging bags of fat historically found almost exclusively underneath the chins of fat, carpet-bagging, pedophilic, southern evangelical preachers.”

...notice jowls, sharp and small teeth...and thin lips

…notice jowls, sharp and small teeth…and thin lips

“So, Professor….you earlier stated that you could ascertain the personality of pussy face erectus based on its body type and facial features.”

“Absolutely Ms. Bailey….almost beyond a reasonable doubt, I can ascertain that pussy face erectus is a miserable cretin and horrible human being devoid of any soul…empty to the core with no loyalty to anyone but itself.”

Professor I. Yankit estimates that Pussy Faceerectus would have been a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul

Professor I. Yankit maintains that pussy face erectus is a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul

“Additionally, it is predisposed to be a demagogue in the name of religion not unlike the religious zealots responsible for the Salem witch burnings.  As a leader, it is the quintessential coward who will send others to war and to their deaths while refusing to serve, yet calling others who did serve disloyal.  It uses empty words like ‘freedom’ and ‘patriot’ and symbols like the American flag to obfuscate its extreme anti-social personality.”

“It’s a hideous creature, Professor.”

“Indeed it is, Ms. Jenkins….yet we must study pussy face erectus in an effort to understand the phenomena of pussy, evangelical, eunuch men in America.”

“And then what, Professor?”

“Well, when we finish I’ll just toss its filthy carcass in the incinerator out back and just hope we never see another like it.”

Study, learn, and destroy...hoping for never another like it

Study and learn

Letter from an Admirer

The Honorable Ted Cruz
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed.  You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots.  Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day.   We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me.  In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along.  We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.

You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years.  I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted in his best demagogue pose

Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman.   Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task !  You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.

Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you.  That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric.   But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now.  I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along.  And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day.  What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American.  You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.

ted cruz fullness

How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?

I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here.  You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here.  I hope you’re alright with that.  I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it.  And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like.  I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell.  And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics.  We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler.  So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light.  You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.

Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate.  We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.

You’re a great American.

Your friend,

Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee

250px-Joseph_McCarthy

Joe in his best inquisition pose

P.S.  Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do.  How does this sound?  “Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!

Todd Akin Loves God, his Family…and Life’s Simple Pleasures

By all calculations….he’s just a good man….and what more does one have to be?

Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for Senate from the  “Show-Me” state of Missouri wants to show YOU what a great guy he is and figures the best way to do that is to talk about his love for God, his family, shopping at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night, the Bible, child porn, and urine geysers.

“I’m a simple guy who loves simple things like going to church on Sunday followed by a big dinner with the family and then some private time with just me, my laptop, and about 50 gig of some of the best Malaysian child porn money can buy,” Akin said.

“When you say money can buy, are you suggesting that campaign funds paid for your child porn?”

“Of course not,” said Akin.  “I used private donations for all of it.”

“Well I guess uh…hmmm….  So has watching kiddie porn helped your campaign?”

“Of course. …it gives me a chance to rehearse my Mr. One-Eyed Trouser Snake hand-puppet act.”

“Pardon me?” I said somewhat taken aback…not just by the lewd “hand-puppet” comment…but also by Akin’s chiseled grinning pussy face to include a  seemingly perfect comb-over.

The perfect comb-over

Akin with his family in this Norman Rockwell painting….just before he heads off to his private quarters with a laptop full of kiddie porn

“Being a candidate for Senate can be very stressful….especially after all the controversy I’ve endured from the witch hunt liberals have launched against me.”

Akin is, of course, referring to his well publicized comments about “legitimate rape.”

“I find one of the best ways for me to unwind and just put it all behind me after a long week is a refreshing golden shower,” he added.

“Really? You find being pissed on REFRESHING?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I’ve been doing it since I was a sophomore at Liberty University when it was introduced to me by the late, great Jerry Falwell himself. Have you ever tried it….cause if you haven’t you should.  And the Bible is okay with it so I’m okay with it.”

Golden Showers Guru

“Huh? Are you saying the Bible talks about golden showers?”

“Sure….it’s in there…Deuteronomy I think….or maybe it’s Leviticus…I’m not sure….but I know it’s in there…and I know a good golden shower helps me to unwind just like it helped Jesus to unwind after a long week with a good old fashioned circle jerk with his disciples followed by a refreshing golden shower usually from Peter.”

“I must have missed that part. It’s been a long time since I picked up a Bible…but I can’t for the life of me remember reading about circle jerks and golden showers.  Are your sure this isn’t a product of your own perverse Republican mind?”

Jesus dug water sports with his disciples….but not this kind

“It’s in there,” Akin insisted.  “And only a non-believing, anti-christian like you would doubt it.”

“So you enjoy reading the Bible?….cause most people I know consider it to be a fucking piece of shit, mind numbingly boring, and generally the worst read in history.”

“I love reading my Bible and I don’t consider it boring,” insisted Akin.  “About 75 percent of my reading time is devoted to it.”

“What about the rest of your reading time?” I asked.

“Oh I enjoy reading many books….especially about people I admire.  For instance, I’m just finishing up a biography on Ed Gein who was probably one of the most misunderstood men of his time.”

Family man and good christian in the mind of Todd Aiken. “A christian man should not be judged by his deeds,” said Aiken philosophically.

“Wasn’t Ed Gein a serial killer, a cannibal, and a necrophiliac?”

“Yes but he was also a good family man and christian and he who has not sinned should cast the first stone,” said Akin taking up for Gein.

“Does your admiration for Ed Gein have anything to do with the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to him?”

“No one has ever told me that before but I appreciate it. ”

“Well, I wish you the best of luck in your campaign for U.S. Senate from Missouri.  Given your profile that you’ve described to me today I think your potential to be a great Republican leader is unlimited.”

“Thank you and may God bless you.”

Mitt Romney’s Psychotherapy….Televised

A sensitive and traumatized Romney

Hoping to jump start Romney’s floundering campaign by showing Americans his sensitive, compassionate, and vulnerable side, Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s campaign managers decided it was time for him to seek psychiatric counseling…before a live television audience.

TV audience watches as Governor Romney prepares for psychoanalysis

His campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, said Governor Romney decided to seek help from famous Russian psychiatrist, Ivan Kutchakokov, whose specialty is working with the wealthy elite who want to better relate to the inferior classes in order to exploit them for personal gain.  Dr. Kutchakokov has helped the rich and famous for more than 30 years including Donald Trump (with his fake bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), John McCain (with his phony mood disorder), and Newt Gingrich (with his very real  Encopresis (involuntarily shitting his pants)).

Dr. Ivan Kutchakokov getting a whiff of Newt’s underwear

“So what brings you here to see me today Governor Romney?”

“Well doctor…I’d like to start out by saying it’s not easy for me to be here today.”

“Why is that?”

“Because my image is that of a self-made man and someone who doesn’t have any weaknesses or vulnerabilities like common, inferior Americans.  But, despite the fact that I have superior genes and come from a superior class of people, I too have had things happen to me which have left me deeply traumatized….psychologically.”

“Such as?”

“Well….I have trouble talking about this.”

“Governor Romney…what you say here stays here.”

“There was once….when I was about 15….((sniff))….”

“Can I offer you some Kleenex?”

“Yes…thank you ((sniffle)).  Anyhow, I once came home with only 15 million in earnings for the month as a junior hedge fund intern compared to my usual 17.5 million at one of my father’s companies…..and Father CUT BACK MY POLO PRACTICES FROM FOUR TIMES A WEEK TO THREE FOR A FULL WEEK!! (((SOB)))!”

Young Romney during happier times before Father’s “polo punishment”

“And what are you feeling right now?”

“Angst….horror…..pain….anger….and just the slightest difficulty breathing.”

“What else can you tell me about your past Mitt….uh, can I call you Mitt?”

“No, I would prefer you call me Governor….or Governor Romney.”

“What else Governor Romney?”

“When I was 17, Father and Mother punished me horribly…..and to this day it’s difficult to talk about….

“Again, you’re in a safe place.   Take your time.”

“Well, Father always told me that I should be proud of my superior genes and my family superiority.  So all I was doing was exercising the superiority that Father told me about when I gave some homosexual-acting art student named Sidney a super wedgie in gym class and then hung him to the rafters by his underwear while everyone laughed.”

“So you were punished because of the injustice of bullying the weak and defenseless?”

“No, I was punished because the queer theater instructor who stuck by all the queers like Sidney told the Principal who called my father.”

“And what did your father do?”

“He…..he…..he….forced me to travel on our private yacht to SPEND MY TWO WEEK SPRING VACATION ON OUR PRIVATE BEACH  IN ACAPULCO INSTEAD OF ON THE FRENCH RIVERA LIKE I WANTED….((GASP))) (((SOB)))!

“So, how did that make you feel?”

“I felt GREAT about what I did to Sidney….but what Father did to me was devastating.”

“So, this punishment….this punishment you feel was unjustified because it was your first offense?”

“No…..it wasn’t my first offense.  It was my 158th offense.  But I felt the punishment was inconsistent with the privileged status that Father always taught me was mine to use as I pleased.”

“Your father was angry because you abused this privilege?”

“No, he was angry because I got caught.”

“And what did these experiences in your childhood and adolescence do to you?”

“It made me feel traumatized–a fact which should make me appear more human and more vulnerable to the people whose support I need and whom I hope to buffalo into believing that my own horrible adversity in my own life equals theirs so that they better relate to me and would want to have a beer with me, even thought I don’t drink beer, and would vote for me.”

“Well Governor….I definitely believe I can help you.  I’d like to start out meeting you three times a week for eight weeks.”

“What’s wrong with me doctor?”

“Governor….I believe you have a serious case of Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome for which there is no real cure but with the right kind of therapy we can help you prevent any further and deeper insertion that could lead to eventual suffocation.”

Governor Romney….your problem is obvious

“Thank you doctor.”

The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard

Ryan….2:51:38 marathoner and much, much more

Republican Vice Presidential Candidate, Paul Ryan, says there’s a simple explanation as to why his claimed marathon completion time was more than an hour faster than the actual time he was clocked according to the magazine Runner’s World.

“My marathon completion time of 2:51:38 is accurate according to my measurement standard known as the Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard or PRCS,” Ryan said.  “It’s a simple and much more accurate measurement of an accomplishment of any kind and if more people, to include the liberal media, would just do their homework and get smart on my standard they would have known that and would feel rather foolish over all of the controversy they’ve stirred up.”

Of course “simple” is a relative term when it comes to understanding the complicated and brilliant mind of Paul Ryan.

“Most people simply don’t understand how a mind of someone like Paul Ryan works,” said nuclear physicist, Dr. Hugh Janus of the Nuclear Institute of Manhattan.  “…and there is definitely a learning curve when it comes to understanding what comes from the mind of such brilliance and what comes from the mind of a normal person,” said Janus.  “He’s way ahead of his time.  The rest of the world simply hasn’t caught up to Paul Ryan.”

Dr. Hugh Janus

“My coefficient is pretty clear,” Ryan said.  “As it’s outlined in my book, “The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard”, you just take the ratio of the coefficiency of the flux capacitation variable and divide that by triangulating the null hypothesis which gives you a general measurement that is .00000000000000001 to the tenth power of accuracy which is about a thousand times more accurate than your standard measurement.  And there you go.  All you have to do is read my book which is on sale for 29.95 at Barnes and Noble to have a much more clear understanding of my methodology,” said Ryan.

“Well, I guess I owe you an apology,” I said.

“Accepted,” said Ryan.

Listed below are some of Paul Ryan’s greatest accomplishments throughout his life with both his coefficiency standard measurement, the PRCS, and the normal standard measurement known as the NLNHM (“non-lying normal human measurement):

                                                                      PRCS         NLNHM

1.)  Marathon (26.2 miles):                                        2:51:38             4:01:16

2.)  High School Mile Run:                                        4:15:28              8:15:52

3.)  Bench Press:                                                          350 lbs                98 lbs

4.)  State Fair Hot Dog-Eating Contest:                  48 dogs               2 dogs

5.)  Victories in HS wrestling:                                      85                       1*

6.)  Number of chicks he slept w/ in college:           166                      0

7.)  Number of times masturbated in college:            0                16…per day

8.)  Number of peaks over 14K feet                             40                      0**
climbed in Colorado and elsewhere
to include K-2:

* He won by default…the other guy quit before the match began.
**But he read “Into Thin Air” by Jon Krakauer at least six times.

“Hopefully the press and the public now have a better understanding of this more accurate form of measurement. As for the liberal media, I would say they owe me an apology as well,” said Ryan.

“The Washington Post, New York Times, and NPR have also issued apologies and the WP has gone to the extent of hiring additional quantitative research experts to get a better grasp of the PRCS.  For its part, the NYT has made it a requirement that its entire staff have a copy of the book alongside of the Associated Press Style Guide and copies of a thesaurus.  NPR will include a segment discussing the PCRS on its Science Friday show with Ira Flatow and will devote an additional 10 percent of its funding to explore the science of the PRCS.

“Scientists throughout the world are in awe and humbled by the measurement methodology of Congressman Ryan,” said Janus.  “We haven’t seen anything like PRCS since Einstein discovered Bose’s atomic counting method and all I can say is that it’s an exciting time to be alive.”

Pussy Face Contest Winner Announced

Pussy Face Award WInner 2012

Texas Senate candidate,  Republican Ted Cruz, has overwhelmingly won the Pussy Face of the Year award for 2012 beating out five-time champ, Republican Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, and two-time champ, Georgia Republican Representative Tom Price, who finished second and third respectively.  Others receiving votes were Republican Rep., Ben Quayle of Arizona, Texas Republican members of the U.S. House, Representatives, Joe Barton and Louie Gohmert, Karl Rove, and Todd Palin.

Quintessential, prototypical Pussy Face

Emotionless eyes, cherub/evangelical cheeks, chin hanging out at the bottom=the perfect Pussy Face. Plus, notice the American Flag lapel pin: All Pussy Faces wear an American Flag lapel pin….but not ALL American Flag lapel pin wearers are Pussy Faces.

First-time winner Cruz, will receive his award at this year’s annual Hargis/Dobson Pussy Face Awards Ceremony on September 21st in Colorado Springs, Co. sponsored by the  Pussy Face Association of Texas.  Named after the late Rev Billy James Hargis, a four-time award winner and two-time award winner, the Rev James Dobson, this year’s award will be presented by Pussy Face Hall of Fame member, Tom Delay.

Award named after famous pedophiles Reverend’s Hargis and…….

….Dobson

“I’m proud to receive the Pussy Face award,” said Cruz.  “And I’m proud to be named to such an elite organization with members such as Gary Bauer and Ted Haggard.”

With a face like this, Cruz may never lose again

Behind those Cheshire cat eyes and those rugged good looks is a pussy face that can’t be hidden by a mere goatee….as much as Todd Palin would try

“Pussy Face” is defined as someone who is Republican, chinless, has puffed up, cherub cheeks, hollow/emotionless eyes, a somewhat sharp nose, who could likely pass as a woman if wearing women’s clothes, with a few exceptions has a biblical name, and who has a shit-eating look on his face that is immediately appealing to evangelicals yet  repelling to sane people.

Pussy Face and…..

…..non Pussy Face

“It’s my understanding that the Pussy Face characteristic is exclusive to American evangelicals which makes it that much more special to receive such an elite award,” said Cruz.

Asked to comment, Hall of Fame member, Tom Delay, said Cruz has what it takes to be a Pussy Face Hall of Famer himself.

All-time Pussy Face champ, Hall of Famer, Tom Delay

“He’s got the look,” said Delay.  “He reminds me of me when I was an up-and-coming, aspiring Pussy Face.”

“Why I’m so proud of him, I could just give him a blowjob….uhh…err….but, of course I won’t,” said Delay.  “That’s certainly not what this honor is all about so I absolutely refudiate* what I just said,” backtracked Delay.

*Delay refuses to submit to popular opinion (see Urban Dictionary definition: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Refudiate) that the word “refudiate” was not just simply made up .

Just one more look…..
Who can get enough of that face?

The Evolution of Ricky Santorum

Max Santorum was well known in these parts…..these parts being Northern Pennsylvania timber country where men were men and everyone knew his place.  Santorum was a lumberjack who was so big he reminded everyone of old Paul Bunyan himself.   He had a reputation for being so tough that if he wanted something, like a woman, he’d just take it.

Max Santorum

But there was one thing Max couldn’t have….and that was a son to carry on his legacy.   Everyone in these parts knew how much Max wanted a son.  That’s all he ever talked about.  Word had it that Max had had every floosie, tramp, and hooker within 100 square miles…but none of them could give Max what he wanted most:  a son.

That is, until one day Max was in town picking up supplies from the local sundry store.  Behind the counter was check-out girl Hortense Mueller. Hortense was a homely,  bespectacled girl well known in town as the old maid.  But Max Santorum was taken with her and was determined to make Hortense Mueller his latest conquest.   Hortense, of course, was taken with anyone who showed the slightest interest in her and within a few months the two were married.  A few months after that, Hortense was with child.

Hortense Mueller Santorum

“Well Max, looks like you’re finally gonna get that boy you want!” exclaimed an excited Doc Adams, the town obstetrician.

Doc Adams

“Is he strapping like me doc?” asked Max

“Can’t rightly tell yet Max….it’s too early.   But this here sonogram shows me at the very least he has a dick….so that’s a good sign.”

“Yep…that IS a good sign doc.”

((hahahahahahahahahahah))!!

Come fall, young Santorum was born.  But there was bad news.

“Max, I’m afraid that son you wanted is not strapping at all,” Doc Adams explained.  I’m afraid your son is a wimp, Max….an evangelical.”

“((NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)))!!!!”

Max blacked out but when he came to, he saw Hortense holding this pasty, wimp of a child in her arms.

“Max I’ve thought of some names for our son,” said Hortense excitedly.  “I like Gideon, Silas, Jedidiah, Job, or Jubal.”

“Over my dead body!,” screamed Max.  “It’s bad enough to have an evangelical, pussy of a son.  I’ll be damned if he’s gonna have a pussy, biblical name to boot!”

“Rick will be his name,” Max proclaimed.  “I’ll toughen this kid up with a tough name. Rick!”

Hortense not wanting to further infuriate her violent, lumberjack husband reluctantly agreed.   But secretly she planned to call him “Ricky” whenever possible or whenever Max wasn’t around.

The years passed and little “Ricky” grew…not into the strapping lad that Max wanted but a pasty, white, chubby, four-eyes who wore braces.  He liked playing with neighborhood girls and their dolls and Easy-Bake ovens instead of playing kick-the-can and pick-up baseball with neighborhood boys.

What Max dreaded most was coming to pass:  Rick was turning into a evangelical just as Doc Adams had said.

One day after kicking back a six pack of PBR, Max couldn’t take it anymore.  He threw together whatever shit he could fit on his back and took off for the thick timbers of  Northern Pennsylvania seemingly never to return and leaving Hortense to raise this pussy of a son all by herself.

Hortense, took it upon herself to raise her son to his predetermined evangelical destiny.  She home-schooled Ricky insuring daily heavy doses of creationism, the 10 Commandments, and the New Testament mixed with a light sprinkling of math and social studies.  There was no teachings of science….for obvious reasons.

“Mommie, why did God make the waters rise and wipe out so many innocent people?” little Ricky asked one day.

“Because they WEREN’T innocent Ricky!  Those people deserved to die because they were not true believers in the word of God.  Just like all people today who don’t believe like you and me deserve to die,” Hortense lectured her son.

“Oh,” acknowledged little Ricky.

As Ricky grew, Hortense determined to keep her pudgy son on the evangelical straight and narrow so she signed him up for the Boy Scouts.  She beamed with pride as Ricky stood before his scout leader and recited the oath of allegiance:

On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake and morally straight.

While the rest of the heathen new enlistees sneered and mouthed the scout oath, the young pudgy patriot’s eyes watered up and his voice quivered while he recited–particularly when he got to the words “morally straight.”

Morally straight boy scout, Ricky Santorum

As it were, scouting turned out to be Ricky’s refuge from the daily beatings he endured from neighborhood toughs.  He made merit badges and rank faster than everyone else taking on an authoritative role that scout leaders noticed.  He was known, behind his back, as Hitler Jr…..but Ricky didn’t care.  He took great pride in being compared with one of his idols.  On camping trips Ricky cracked the whip on slackers and miscreant scouts whom he regarded as ungodly.  He recommended belt-lines….and even castration for boys who failed to put their hands over their hearts during the pledge of allegiance or slept in late.

Ricky found his way in scouting

Meanwhile, slacker scouts, sick of Ricky’s bullshit, sneaked into his tent one evening with the intent of giving him a wedgie like he’d never had before.  Instead they did one better…they gave Ricky a gang corn-holing…not because they were gay but because they were typical sadistic boy scouts who figured a good round of butt-raping even with an asshole like Santorum was better than beating off all the time.

But what they did not count on is that Ricky liked it.  Instead of being humiliated he found the experience invigorating.  And he wanted more.  Ricky stayed with scouting into his early 20’s…. well beyond the normal age limit…just so he could return to scout camp every summer and enjoy another round of butt-raping.  After awhile Ricky discovered it was even better to “give” than to receive.

It was during these years that Ricky’s life as an evangelical really began to come together as he realized that sadism, butt-raping, authoritarianism, ass-kicking, hypocrisy, and racism were the cornerstones of his devotion to God.

Soon Ricky would go off to college where he excelled and found sanctuary among other campus God-fearing fascists.

Santorum fit right in at college

“If God disapproved of me butt-raping younger men he would have spoken to me,” reflected Ricky one evening to his dorm mate.

“It’s God’s will,” echoed his roomy approvingly.

Ricky graduated with honors and soon found himself engaged in his real calling:  politics, which he believed could be the best forum to forcibly fuck people in the name of God.

The future looks bright

So….Ricky first ran for city council and won on a platform of annihilation of homosexuals.  From there, it was on to the state Senate.  While campaigning he met a bony, skank of a woman who, like him, was a sanctimonious christian evangelical who believed that everyone who did not think exactly like her should perish in fiery hell.  It was love at first sight.  They would go on to have four pasty, emotion-challenged, blank-faced children just like themselves:  Caleb, Ezekiel, Ezra, and Hosanna.

With his family and his firm foundation of evangelicalism, Ricky seemed set for the future and would go on to win a seat in the U.S. Senate. In his victory speech, Ricky thanked God, God, and more God.  He also gave thanks to God.  And he thanked the sadistic people in his life who had taught him that forcible screwing and being forcibly screwed were important parts of being a good christian…perhaps THE most important parts.

After his speech, Ricky was getting some much-needed rest in his hotel room when he heard a knock at his door.

(((Knock Knock)))

Opening the door, Ricky saw an old man….a giant of a man whom he did not recognize,  standing before him.   The man reminded him of Paul Bunyan.

“Hello son.”

“Father?”

“Yes son….I’m Max Santorum.”

“Cast ye away father for thou hast forsaken me.”

“Hear me out son cause there’s things to be said.”

“Say what thou hast come to say and be gone!”

“Son, I always knew I wouldn’t be around for you since you were such an insufferable pussy, non-man as a kid.  So, I gave you that name…”Rick” to try and toughen you up.  Well I’ve been following your career and I can clearly see it didn’t do a bit of good.  You’re still the same fat-ass, pasty, pussy ass evangelical wimp you always were.”

“And?”

“Well I’m just here to tell you that if you ever want to run for President….you need to drop that y from your name and just become plain old Rick.”

“Oh father…I love you,” cried Rick as the two embraced for the first time in more than 30 years.

“Me too Rick…..now, GO GIT EM SON!….uh, son….is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to hug me?”

…of course, Rick would go on to become President and single-handedly transform America into what it always aspired to be…an evangelical mecca of hate, intolerance, hypocritical homophobia, and sadism that would be known the world over…..

The End