Category Archives: Just Spootin'

Weekly News Briefs from the South

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Alabama:  Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”

“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.

“After the bill passes on Monday,  any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.

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Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere.  Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.

“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun.  “In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”

(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)

(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).

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South Carolina: Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)

“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”

“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley.  “It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.

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Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger

It didn’t take long for retired Pope Benedict to find his next career as he just signed a contract with a NYC comedy club to perform 104 shows over the next two years.

“Fuck it….I’m as happy as a two-peckered billy goat surrounded by a bunch of horny ewe,” laughed a shit-faced pope who went on a drinking binge right after signing his contract with “The Comedy Cellar” located at 117 MacDougal St. in NYC which reportedly will net him about five million dollars.

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People line up for Rat-A-Tat-Tat’s show

Long known as the Vatican’s King of Crude Comedy, the ex-Pope, whose real name is Joseph Ratzinger, will perform as Joey Rat-a-Tat-Tat-Zinger because of his high speed delivery of one-liners.

pope-benedict

Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat clowns around in a fucked up Santa Claus hat. Underneath that hat, however, is the king of one-liners

Last night was Joe Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger’s first show at “The Comedy Cellar” before a packed house of people who paid as much as $500 for a ticket to see the former Pontiff turned funny man.  Luckily SPB was able to catch  the show and, with permission from The Comedy Cellar, presents part of it below:

“Well now…..what a fucked up looking audience!!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHA))))”

“If my fucking shit-eating dog was as ugly as most of you….why I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards!”

((((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))!!!!!!

“Good evening ladies and germs…..I’d love to say it’s nice to see all of you mother fuckers…..but I’d BE LYING!!!”

((HAHAHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHAH))!!!!

“Say, how do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!!!

(((HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA)))!

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Rolling on the floor and laughing their asses off at Rat’s zingers

“What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?  They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns!!!!!”

((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA)))!!!

“What do you get when you dress like an altar boy and meet the priest?  A holy fuck!!”

(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)))))))))))

“What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH ROFALMAOHAR HAR HAR HAR))))!!”

“Do any of you assholes know the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxaflopin!!!!”

((((HAHHHHAHAAAHAHAHHHHHAAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA))))!!!

“Say, here’s a good one:  what happens when you get the Viagra computer virus? It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk!!”

(((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))))!!!!”

Heckler:  “Hey Pope Rat-a-Tat….YOU FUCKING SUCK!!”

“Hey a heckler !  Hey buddy….PONTIFF THIS!!!!” says Rat-A-Tat grabbing his balls.

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAH!!!)))

If you would like to see the hottest show in America good luck getting tickets. All 104 shows are already sold out said a spokesperson for The Comedy Cellar.  “Seems everyone wants to see this funny mother fucker.”

NYC 16 Comedy Cellar, Greenwich Village

Scouting at its Finest

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The annual Boy’s Scouts of America annual convention convened this year in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  As expected, this year’s convention was filled with controversy over the unthinkable prospect of homo youths joining the scouts.  National BSA Grand Master, Hugh G. Rection presides over the convention:

“Gentlemen, a dark cloud is hanging over the fine institution that we know and love.”

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BSA Scouting leader, Hugh G. Rection: “We must preserve the sanctity of the buttock.”

((here here))!!!

“Did you know, that people are beginning to call us….”The Boy Sex of America”?!?!?!

(((boooooooooo…nooooooooooo!!!!))

“That’s  right my friends….we must protect our institution and its reputation for producing some of the finest and most upstanding citizens of this great country of ours.”

(((here here)))!!!

“Left wing Socialist and Communist factions in our own great country as well as evil empires such as the Soviet Union are trying to force homo sex on our boy scout fraternity.”

“(((NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!…..NEVER!!!!!!))

“And you and I are well aware that our leaders throughout the anals…..err annals, of time have been accused of everything from child molestation to pedophilia.  Well, I’m here to tell you that we are doing everything we can as leaders to curb this sort of behavior as much as possible.”

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Underneath those merit badges is a young man of honor who must be protected from deviant boys at all cost.

(((YES)))!!!

“I have more than 30 years of scouting experience to include 25 as a leader and I’m happy to say that I’ve curbed my instances of pedophilia from over 100 a year to just a HANDFUL!!”

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New Troop 155 leader, Hans Omaicok, in mugshot photo, before assuming the position as leader of 155 succulent boys

(((“YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!)))

“And I’m proud to say that just talking about this right now is making me feel all tingly in certain lower extremities of my body….but my friends, I’m able to mostly restrain my feelings now through having accepted Christ as my savior!!!!”

(((CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST !!!!)))

“….and I’m happy to say that it works maybe one out of 10 times!”

((praise Jesus!!!))

“My friends, all of you are fine scout leaders.  And all of you must understand the tremendous pressure we face as leaders in the scouting movement and how we must let off steam every now and then so our urges and desires won’t cloud our judgment to do the right thing!!!!

(((RIGHT!!!!)))

…and in this case, my fellow leaders….the right thing is to keep homo scouts OUT!!!!!”

(((KEEP EM OUT….KEEP EM OUT….KEEP EM OUT!!!!!)))

“Always remember what the Vatican taught us, folks. Homophobia is the world’s oldest cover for pedophilia. We will NOT allow our young 11-15 year olds with their adolescent and rippling bodies and their hard butt cheeks to be perverted by homo sex with their peers when they are supposed to be perverted by US!!!!”

(((DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!)))

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“My fellow leaders….that concludes our main message of this year’s convention. I conclude by saying, these young men are coming of age with all of their innocence and their hot bodies that I, personally, would just like to grease some up right now with cooking oil and get them into a boy scout tent somewhere where maybe we can have a threesome….or even a foursome and we can continue to teach these young men the right lessons of life so they can be our great scouting leaders of the future!!!!!! ”

(YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!))

“Now then, some of you look as flush as I feel.  Before convening, please stop by our convention table in the back where, for a nominal fee, you may purchase on either CD-Rom’s or flash drives, some of my favorite intimate scouting moments  over the past 25 years of my esteemed career as a scout leader.   All proceeds will supplement my 1.2 million-dollar-a year compensation package and safeguard my opulent sybaritic lifestyle.  And as a reminder, before retiring to your respective rooms,  along with your media purchases please pick up your mini bottles of Vaseline and KY-Jelly courtesy of the hotel.”

Ann Romney to Appear in Hustler

“I’m a Mother Interested n Liberty and Freedom !!”

Ann Romney, wife of Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, has volunteered to appear in a photo spread in Hustler magazine’s annual MILF edition.

“As a Mother Interested in Liberty and Freedom I consider it my patriotic duty to appear in such a fine magazine,” said Ms. Romney.

“A wonderfully kind man named Mr. Larry Flynt called me up one day and asked me  if I would appear in the his magazine.  I thought it was such a nice gesture coming from such a nice man.”

“I just told him that I’m honored to appear in his magazine of liberty and freedom and that I’ve always been someone who worked very hard and hustled at whatever I did.  It’s so wonderful that Mr. Flynt features hard working people who hustle in his magazine.”

This MILF is hustlin’ up a batch of cookies for liberty and freedom

Asked to comment, Larry Flynt said he’s been after Ann Romney for some time for his hot as hell, over-60 MILF edition.

“She could clearly suck the chrome off a trailer hitch,” said Flynt.  “And I can’t believe she’s doing this for free.  On the other hand, she and her fucking husband sure don’t need the money.”

Larry Flynt and his posse who will lend their “skills” to Ann Romney on the day of her big photo shoot

“So what sort of spread are you going to have her featured in?” I asked.

“We’ll start her out with a donkey….a real randy donkey named Rudy,” Flynt said…”sort of a funny, ha-ha Democratic symbol vs the horny MILF,” laughed Flynt.

“What’s the donkey going to do to her?”

“You’ll have to wait till December,” said Flynt.

When told that Ann Romney actually believes that MILF stands for Mothers Interested in Liberty and Freedom, Flynt began to choke from laughter.

“What a dumb, fucking whore,” laughed Flynt….”just the way I like my women….and precisely why she’s a Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” he added.  “Dumb, naive, and right-wing women….they turn me on man…what can I say?  I just wish my dick worked cause if it did, I swear to god I’d be swinging it in the direction of Ann Romney.”

Ann Romney will be part of the 28-page “Conservative MILFs Want it Bad” in December’s Christmas edition of Hustler.

“It’s nice to see that there are still young ladies who like to hustle,” said Ann Romney of the model on this “Hustler” cover. Although she did express some disapproval over the skimpiness of her bikini.

Who could resist this MILF

“I’m not exactly sure why Mr. Flynt asked me to bring two large bottles of cooking oil and a bucket of Vaseline on the day of my photo shoot,” said a perplexed Ann Romney. “But whatever he needs me to do in the pursuit of liberty and freedom, I will oblige.”

The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard

Ryan….2:51:38 marathoner and much, much more

Republican Vice Presidential Candidate, Paul Ryan, says there’s a simple explanation as to why his claimed marathon completion time was more than an hour faster than the actual time he was clocked according to the magazine Runner’s World.

“My marathon completion time of 2:51:38 is accurate according to my measurement standard known as the Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard or PRCS,” Ryan said.  “It’s a simple and much more accurate measurement of an accomplishment of any kind and if more people, to include the liberal media, would just do their homework and get smart on my standard they would have known that and would feel rather foolish over all of the controversy they’ve stirred up.”

Of course “simple” is a relative term when it comes to understanding the complicated and brilliant mind of Paul Ryan.

“Most people simply don’t understand how a mind of someone like Paul Ryan works,” said nuclear physicist, Dr. Hugh Janus of the Nuclear Institute of Manhattan.  “…and there is definitely a learning curve when it comes to understanding what comes from the mind of such brilliance and what comes from the mind of a normal person,” said Janus.  “He’s way ahead of his time.  The rest of the world simply hasn’t caught up to Paul Ryan.”

Dr. Hugh Janus

“My coefficient is pretty clear,” Ryan said.  “As it’s outlined in my book, “The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard”, you just take the ratio of the coefficiency of the flux capacitation variable and divide that by triangulating the null hypothesis which gives you a general measurement that is .00000000000000001 to the tenth power of accuracy which is about a thousand times more accurate than your standard measurement.  And there you go.  All you have to do is read my book which is on sale for 29.95 at Barnes and Noble to have a much more clear understanding of my methodology,” said Ryan.

“Well, I guess I owe you an apology,” I said.

“Accepted,” said Ryan.

Listed below are some of Paul Ryan’s greatest accomplishments throughout his life with both his coefficiency standard measurement, the PRCS, and the normal standard measurement known as the NLNHM (“non-lying normal human measurement):

                                                                      PRCS         NLNHM

1.)  Marathon (26.2 miles):                                        2:51:38             4:01:16

2.)  High School Mile Run:                                        4:15:28              8:15:52

3.)  Bench Press:                                                          350 lbs                98 lbs

4.)  State Fair Hot Dog-Eating Contest:                  48 dogs               2 dogs

5.)  Victories in HS wrestling:                                      85                       1*

6.)  Number of chicks he slept w/ in college:           166                      0

7.)  Number of times masturbated in college:            0                16…per day

8.)  Number of peaks over 14K feet                             40                      0**
climbed in Colorado and elsewhere
to include K-2:

* He won by default…the other guy quit before the match began.
**But he read “Into Thin Air” by Jon Krakauer at least six times.

“Hopefully the press and the public now have a better understanding of this more accurate form of measurement. As for the liberal media, I would say they owe me an apology as well,” said Ryan.

“The Washington Post, New York Times, and NPR have also issued apologies and the WP has gone to the extent of hiring additional quantitative research experts to get a better grasp of the PRCS.  For its part, the NYT has made it a requirement that its entire staff have a copy of the book alongside of the Associated Press Style Guide and copies of a thesaurus.  NPR will include a segment discussing the PCRS on its Science Friday show with Ira Flatow and will devote an additional 10 percent of its funding to explore the science of the PRCS.

“Scientists throughout the world are in awe and humbled by the measurement methodology of Congressman Ryan,” said Janus.  “We haven’t seen anything like PRCS since Einstein discovered Bose’s atomic counting method and all I can say is that it’s an exciting time to be alive.”

Boehner Caught Right-Handed…and Left-Handed

A smile on the face of a man who can't keep his hands off his nuts

Shortly after he endorsed the U.S. Chamber of Commerce idea of having Americans pick up the tab for the BP oil spill in the Gulf, U.S House of Representatives Minority Leader John Boehner was caught pounding his pud in one of the House bathrooms and was caught doing so by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger who was in town to advocate for California’s Proposition 14.

“It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever witnessed and I’ve witnessed some disgusting things in my days,” said Schwarzenegger.  “How dare he want the taxpayer to pay for the oil spill!!”

“Yea Governor, but what about Rep. Boehner getting caught by you tugging his tapioca tube right in the men’s bathroom and all?” asked Southpaw

“What about it?” replied Arnie

“Don’t you find THAT disgusting?” I asked

“Hey, as  far as I’m concerned he was just letting off some steam and taking matters into his own hands.  Besides, most of us have indulged from time to time in pulling the Col Sanders Heimlich maneuver.”

Arnold BEFORE sex with John Boehner (left) and AFTER sex with John Boehner (right)

“Including you, Governor?” I asked.  “Reports have it that you were caught beating off in the stall next to his.”

“Mine was just a five minute rubdown,” rationalized Arnie.  “Boehner’s was a full-fledged beat down.  I mean, he was hammering his love steak like there was no tomorrow.”

Schwarzenegger was surprised to hear that this is not the first time Rep. Boehner has been caught holding his sausage hostage in a Congressional bathroom.

“You mean he’s been caught on a date with Handrea and Palmela before?” asked a stunned Arnold.

“Yes Governor…documentation that we’re privy to reports that Rep Boehner, on one occasion, has been busted for having an arm-wrestle with a one-eyed vessel, doing the long stroke on another, driving the skin bus in December of last year, fist kebabing a month and a half later, playing the one-string guitar in April of this year, and just last month playing peek-a-boo with Mr. Johnson.

Boehner's accomplice in serial and impulsive masturbation, Joe Lieberman, aka Diaper Shit Joe

“Hey, I’ve pud wrestled and shook hands with Yul Brenner with the best of them but I’m at least more discreet about it,” said the Governor.  “Boehner acts like he doesn’t even care.”

That’s because he doesn’t care.  So long as this serial masturbator is only given a slap on the wrist each time he commits another offense, he will continue to masturbate with impunity.

“What’s the world coming to?” lamented Schwarzenegger rhetorically.

Long-Awaited “Brokers of Honesty” Opens in Theaters Across the U.S.

The highly anticipated three-hour documentary featuring three of America’s most admired public figures,  Senators John Ensign and David Vitter, and Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, opened at more than 200 theaters across cities and towns throughout the U.S. pulling in a little over $900.

The film, “Brokers of Honesty and Integrity:  Getting Real with the Man Upstairs,” features heartwarming stories about three courageous men of god who whose struggles have been an inspiration to millions.

“We’re pretty happy with the turnout, ” said Ensign who attended this world premiere at a Reno, Nevada theater where he was was accompanied by a prostitute from the nearby Mustang Ranch.  “Between the three of us, after expenses, we should each make around $75 since the agreement with the filmmakers was for us to get a percentage of the gross.”

Ensign appearing in a Star Trek episode

Sanford shown with another horse's ass in S.C.

Jerry "Peckerhead" Lange

Governor Sanford attended the premier at The Strand in Columbia, S.C., where three others also saw the film. One of those in attendance, Jerry “Peckerhead” Lange, had this to say:  “Ah thought ah was gonna see something more like ‘The Passion,’ ” adding that he regarded Mel Gibson’s “The Passion” as the greatest movie he’s seen next to “Witless Protection” with Larry the Cable Guy. “Ah was disappointed,” Lange said.  ” Ah didn’t even know who those guys were but ah sat throughout the movie because of this giant box of Milkduds that ah had bought at the snack bar.  Those things take forevah to eat.”

The most controversial event of the opening nights across the U.S. came when Senator David Vitter, in attendance at the film’s showing in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, was taken into custody after the film  projectionist reported that Vitter was choking chicken during the segments of the film that featured Ensign and Sanford.  Vitter reportedly refrained from such activity during the portion of the film that featured himself.  Vitter’s attorney has indicated that his client’s show of restraint during his own segment of the movie will be helpful in working out a plea deal after Vitter is arraigned next week.

A drunken Vitter explains himself at his arraignment

Sign posted in Baton Rouge area theaters following news of Vitter's release on bail

If you missed this past weekend’s showing, you may pick up a copy of “Brokers of Honesty” at your local Hollywood or Blockbuster Video stores in the section marked “Bullshit Stories About Worthless Political Figures” which includes documentaries about Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, and Rudy Giuliani.