Category Archives: If Walls Could Talk

Black Lives Matter?

In an effort to reduce tensions with white people in the U.S., the Black Lives Matter movement is changing its name to “Black Lives Matter…Sort Of”–effective immediately.

‘“We originally were going to change the name to “Black Lives Matter But Obviously Not As Much As White Lives, Probably Slightly Less…Or About As Equal, Depending On What Day Of The Week It Is, To Hispanic Lives, But Clearly More Than Native American Lives,’” said Amos “Bo Jangles” Jefferson, president of Black Lives Matter…Sort Of. “But it was determined that name may have been a bit long.”

Bill Robinson
Amos Jefferson, President BLM…Sort Of

“It was never our intention to upset white people as we believe we have,” said Jefferson, “and we’re really sorry about it. We feel pretty bad about how things have gone recently and the perception given off by that name that we really believe we’re equal in any way to white people which we aren’t and that we should matter as much which we do not.”

“I think our organization needed to ratchet down the rhetoric and stop offending white people,” said former Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, who was recently appointed public relations spokesman for BLM…Sort Of.



Another objective of the new direction of BLM…Sort Of, according to Jefferson, is to get blacks to tamp down their expectations that they are equal, or even close to being equal, to white people.

“That was Newt Gingrich’s (former U.S. Speaker of the House) idea,” said Jefferson. “Newt now serves on our board and he and Herman really felt that we should do everything we can not to provoke white people and, of course, we fully agree.”

“I never had any intention to provoke white people,” said former Black Lives Matter protester, Harold Washington. “I’m so sorry that we apparently did and they were left with the impression that we feel like we’re as good as them which of course we are not. We want everyone to know we made a mistake and we’re sorry about it.”

“There will be a long healing period,” said Cain. “We don’t expect white people to forgive us overnight. We just hope they will eventually.”

One thing that could help the healing quicker is a proposal from Jefferson to stop calling Black Lives Matter…Sort Of a movement and start calling it a social gathering.

“What we’d like to do is to start having pot lucks throughout areas in America where we may have offended white people the most.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” said Cain. “We hope and pray they will forgive us and come to our invites. One thing is for sure….if white people give us a chance, they will have a good time with lots of great food including some of our favorites like fried chicken and watermelon.”

Told that fried chicken and watermelon are ugly stereotypes applied to blacks, Cain said “we’re not going to worry about stuff like that anymore. The days of us taking offense over such things are over.”

Jefferson said the healing needs to begin. “If changes to our name and perspective don’t make things better, we’re prepared to adjust our name, if necessary to “Negro Lives Matter…A Little” or “Colored Lives Matter…But Not So Much You’d Notice.”

“We’re prepared to go back to segregated water fountains if that’s what it takes,” said Cain.



Great News for Virginia’s Condemned

“I’m elated that we finally get a choice,” said prisoner # 4653, Otis Campbell.

“Finally, we get a voice in decision-making,” said prisoner # 7369, Elmer Wayne Henley.

Of course these condemned inmates of Virginia’s penal system are talking about the fact that, thanks to progressive-minded state lawmakers who believe in choice, they, and dozens of others who are condemned, now get the choice of the electric chair over lethal injection.

"Finally we get a choice," said a reflective Elmer Wayne Henley.

“Finally we get a choice,” said a reflective Elmer Wayne Henley.

Electric Chair

This prison guard unveils what he calls the “proudest moment of my 20 years doing this job. There wasn’t a dry eye int he room, ” he added

“We believe in  choice when it comes to such things,” said State Rep Moe Lester of Poquoson, Virginia.  “For far too long our condemned state residents have only been given one option and, quite frankly, we consider such limits to be unfair and not keeping with the tides of change that our state has always embraced.”

Condemned prisoner, Henley, agree: “That’s what makes me proud to be an American….the freedom to choose,” he said.  “If I was condemned in Russia for instance I probably wouldn’t be given much of a choice.”

Greensville Correctional Facility in Jarrett, VA… a more fun, choice-filled place to be

“Elmer Wayne is right,” said condemned prisoner, Campbell. “I like to be able to choose.   That’s why I like going to Burger King more than McDonald’s cause when I go to Burger King if I choose to not have pickles and lettuce on my burger than I can.  I can have it MY way…whereas at McDonald’s I have to have my burger their way.  I’m proud to be incarcerated in a state that says if I want to die in the electric chair over lethal injection well damn it….I can.”

Have it your way....

Have it your way….

...have it your way

…have it your way

“Oh they can still select lethal injection if they so choose,” said Lester.  “And that’s the great thing about our state:  they GET that choice. Remember, as our state slogan goes “Virginia is for Lovers”.

As to what the “Virginia is for Lovers” slogan has to do with putting people to death remains a topic for later discussion…..but the fact remains that Virginia is one of the the few states progressive enough to advocate for choice when it comes to how one wants to be put down.

The Pro Choice Group, “Execution with Dignity”, agrees.

“We’ve been fighting for this for a long time and we feel very good about how far Virginia has come,” said “Execution with Dignity” spokesperson, Mike Oxlittle.

“We hope such a move will begin to open the doors to more choices like lynchings and the firing squad,” added Oxlittle.

A recent poll shows that by far the majority of condemned inmates of the Virginia system like having a choice and most, now that they’re to be given a choice, would choose the electric chair.

“Most everyone I’ve known who chose lethal injection just didn’t like it,” said Campbell.  “Something about it just didn’t feel right.  And most of them told me if given the choice to do it all over again they would take the electric chair any day of the week and twice on Sunday.” longer a popular choice among inmates new and old.

…no longer a popular choice among inmates new and old.

Condemned inmate, Otis Campbell

Condemned inmate, Otis Campbell

Reminded that it seemed improbable that his now deceased contemporaries could have expressed their execution preferences after the fact, Campbell said he was more or less being anecdotal.

“Well, I may have embellished my story some….but generally speaking, I stand by what I said,” said a resolute Campbell.  “Choice is a great thing.  Choice is an American thing.”

I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes

Welcome to this week’s edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes, a weekly profile on someone who, this week, this year, or perhaps for all eternity, no one would want to trade places with for all the money and fame, or infamy, in the world.


This week we’re on location on the Washington D.C. Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial as ten’s of thousands of people are here as well to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s I Have a Dream speech made on this very spot in 1963.


Without further ado, our unanimous selection for this edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes is George Zimmerman, the Florida neighborhood watch guy who killed teenager Trayvon Martin in cold blood and recently was found not guilty….which is why we are here, at this special place, for this momentous occasion. All indicators point to Zimmerman now being intrinsically linked to the most iconic leader in American history….and not linked in a good way but as the poster boy for everything that has NOT made The Dream a dream at all….but a nightmare.


All around us, in the midst of a celebratory mood, we see signs of Zimmerman. There are people everywhere wearing Zimmerman t-shirts with a big, red Ghostbusters slash through his face.  There are vendors selling by the thousands everything from mini dartboards with Zimmerman’s picture as the bulls eye, to rolls of toilet paper with his picture on every sheet.

Joining me are five experts on infamy to discuss who in hell would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes.  Please welcome Jeff Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Judas, and George W. Bush.  Gentleman let me quickly go around the table and ask each of you, if you could trade your infamous, criminal, and genocidal lives and your infamous place in history right now with George Zimmerman, would you do it?

Hitler:  “No.”

Dahmer:  “No.”

Bundy: “No.”

GWB:  “No.”

Judas: “No.”

Well then, it seems unanimous.  None of you would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes.  Can you elaborate?  Adolf….you first.


Hitler:  “Well, sure I may have been responsible for the near annihilation of an entire race of people….but then I got mine.  Cyanide, a bullet, a fire, and now hell. If I had gotten away and Mossad was hunting down my ass we might be having a different conversation right now. But as it stands, I would not be him for anything.”

Ted Bundy:  “Adolf is right. It’s okay if I call you Adolf…right?”

Hitler:  “Sure, you can even call me Adi if you want.”


Ted Bundy

Bundy:  “What Adi says is true.  Take me for example. I may have brutally killed countless women in Washington and Florida but Zimmerman is now so associated with icons has become an icon himself. The way people are feeling right now, he may as well have mowed down Rosa Parks. Besides, he is an ugly son of a bitch. Even his own mother thinks he is a screaming pussy.”


Bush:  “I have to agree.  Infamy is relative in my opinion….at least when it comes to me.  In a few years stupid Americans will have totally forgotten that I waged an illegal war that ended up bankrupting the U.S. and killing tens of thousands of people. At least I’ll never be linked to anyone famous or iconic.  I mean, how would you like it if every time Dr. King’s name or anniversary or something came up someone linked YOUR name to it as well….and not in a GOOD way.”


Jeff Dahmer

Dahmer: “I wouldn’t like it….that’s for sure.  Personally I’d rather be dead. Well, I AM dead….but that’s a subject for another day.  The point is, no one even knows who I am anymore in spite of the fact that I committed some of the most heinous crimes in American history.  It’s one thing to rape, kill, dismember, and eat teenage boys by the dozens but at least my name is not George Zimmerman.”

“What about you Judas?   You certainly could be accused of being associated with fucking over someone iconic, right?”

Judas:  “Well if I knew then what I know now, that Jesus was going to be so famous and revered, maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to fuck him over.  On the other hand, who knew?   Back then Jesus was nothing but a fucking bum.  I was just giving up a bum….that’s all.   Least that’s the way I see it.”

And there you have it from the experts on infamy.  There’s a consensus that the worst person to be now, and perhaps ever, is George Zimmerman.  From this point forward, whenever the name of iconic figure Dr. King is broached everyone will automatically think of the disgusting fat, pudgy figure of George Zimmerman…much like they think of genocide with Hitler, serial killer with Bundy, cannibalism with Dahmer, and stupid with George W. Bush.

George Zimmerman

Gentleman, thank you for being with us.  And thank YOU, our viewers, for tuning into to another edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes.

George Zimmerman Stands His Ground

images (1)

George is back in business taking care of “it”

Trayvon Martin killer George Zimmerman, who stood his ground in a court of law and was found not guilty yesterday, says he hopes to be to standing his ground and killing teenagers, preferably black assholes who always get away with it, by next weekend.

“I’ve got some things to take care of first,” says Zimmerman.  “My refrigerator is practically empty, my apartment hasn’t been cleaned for more than a year, and I have to get some scratch together so I can go down to my favorite gun shop and pick some ammo.  But I think I should be able to have all that taken care of by Friday so I can be out and about in the neighborhood stalking black teenage assholes who always get away with it by around 11 p.m. Friday.”


One less black teenage asshole we have to worry about getting away with “it”

Since Zimmerman’s murder of Martin in February of last year, Florida law has slightly adjusted its Stand Your Ground law reducing the amount of time by 15 minutes that Neighborhood Watch ground-standers may stalk black teenage assholes  thus reducing the chance of the black teenage assholes turning on them because they’re afraid for their lives.

“We reduced the allowed stalking time from two hours and 15 minutes to just two hours,” said Florida state senator, Whitey Crackerson.  “This may make it more challenging for Neighborhood Watch guys like George Zimmerman to ultimately kill unarmed black teenage assholes, but hopefully with a little resourcefulness and more judicious use of time, thoughtful vigilantes like Zimmerman can still  get the job done.”

From his perspective, Zimmerman said he hopes the change in the law won’t make that big of a difference.

“I still hope to have reached my goal of bagging 12 black teenage assholes who always get away with it by the end of the year,” said Zimmerman.


They now have 15 minutes less to get away with “it”

Asked to define what it is in regards to “getting away with it,” Zimmerman said, “it depends on what the definition of it is.”

“They just keep getting away with it,” said Zimmerman.  “It can be any number of things.  But the important thing is, this non-guilty verdict should show that people, particularly black teenage assholes who always get away with it, should not be able to get away with it.”

What’s next for Zimmerman?

“I plan to write a book and then go on a speaking tour to speak out against  it and how much people, particularly black teenage assholes, should not be getting away with it.”

The title is tentatively called “It is It and It’s Gotta Stop Especially if Black Teenage Assholes Who are Getting  Away With It are Still Getting Away With It.”

As far as the nation is concerned, this verdict could have wide-ranging implications depending, of course, on what the definition of it is.

“Those implications could affect the outcome on cases going back 50 years,” said “Killer of People Doing It” historian, Dr. Lar G. Rection.  “The Zimmerman case could exonerate James Earl Ray who killed Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for doing it,” he said.  “And we all know those three civil rights workers in Mississippi in 1964 were doing it.  Thus, it’s very possible the white, fat, redneck racists who killed them did so justifiably.  Medger Evers was doing it and Emmett Till was doing it,” said Dr. Rection.  “We can’t strictly say that the killers were Stand Your Ground heroes like Zimmerman because the Stand Your Ground law did not exist yet but if we re-examine the evidence we may find that all of the victims had Skittles and ice tea the night they died.”


Two white and one black teenage assholes who didn’t get away with “it”


Free at last, free at last…thank God almighty they’re free at last

When reminded that Skittles didn’t exist in the 60’s when all of those people were murdered, Dr. Rection said, “it has yet to be determined what the victims had and when they had it. And I have to add that murder is a very judgmental word.”

“We just need to go back and look at these cases and see if we can’t get to the bottom of it so we can find all of these killers not guilty,” he added.


No telling if Dr. King was doing “it” which is what James Earl Ray was trying say from the get-go.

SPB Tonight With Disingenuous America

“Good evening.  This is SPB Tonight. We’re happy to welcome Disingenuous America to our SPB studio this evening.  Thank you for coming Disingenuous America.”

“My pleasure.”

“Let me start out by asking you who you’re supporting in the upcoming Presidential election?”

“Why I’m supporting Mitt Romney of course.”

“Is there any particular reason you’re supporting Mitt Romney?”

“Well, I think he’ll do a better job with the economy and get America back on track.”

“Really?  How so?”

“Well, he’s been a successful businessman most of his life and has created millions of jobs in America.”

“Actually, Disingenuous America, Mitt Romney has done quite the opposite costing America countless jobs as a corporate raider with Bain Capitol.  Governor Romney HAS created lots of jobs…..for China.”

“Well I’m supporting him because he’s going to make my life better.”

“How so?”

“Well, I’m unemployed but my unemployment insurance ran out six months ago. I have no healthcare insurance and I may have breast cancer and can’t afford a breast exam.  I live on welfare and food stamps, and I just know Mitt Romney will make things better in my life.”

“Did you see the recent video clip of Mitt Romney essentially dismissing 47 percent of America of which you are a member?  It’s been all over TV.”

“I saw that.  I thought he was talking about just minorities.”

“He was….with you being one of them.  And you know Mitt Romney wants to get rid of all entitlement programs including welfare, food stamps, unemployment insurance, Planned Parenthood which would take care of that breast exam you need, and the Affordable Healthcare Act for which you will be eligible in 2014.”

“Well I guess I’m supporting him because I trust him and I like him.”


“And because he’s an American.”


“And because he’s not a Socialist or a Communist!”


“And because he’s someone who I could sit down and have a beer…or a root beer with.”


“Well, he’s a good Christian.”

“Uh, Mormon…which is secretive and kind of a cult.”

“Whatever…I like him because he’s just like me.”

“You sure about that?….he’s filthy rich, has experienced not a single second of adversity in his life, has never been without, and has never lived like you–or me for that matter–and never WILL live like you….not even close.”




“Thank you for being our guest tonight Disingenuous America.   It’s true.  You definitely SHOULD be supporting Mitt Romney.”

“Join us next week as we sit down for a candid conversation with God who will have some highly unflattering things to say about today’s Evangelicals.  This is SPB Tonight.”

Disingenuous America

Genuine America…and it’s not pretty

Mitt Romney’s Red Badge of Courage

Dawn approached in the wee hours of of the night and all was quiet on the front.  The two young troops were dug into their foxholes waiting for daylight….waiting for the word from their commander that it was time for the mission to begin.  Corporal Mitt Romney’s teeth chattered in the bitter cold while Pvt. Joe Shlabotnik pulled his trench coat tighter around himself in a futile effort to stay warm.

“You’re awfully quiet over there Joe.  What’re thinking about?”

“Oh I’m just thinking about what I’m gonna do when this is finally all over,” said Pvt Shlabotnik.

“So what’re gonna do?”

“Well, I’m gonna enjoy some of my mom’s home cookin’….and then I’m gonna walk over to my best girl’s house down the block and I’m gonna give her a big hug….that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“That sure sounds nice Joe.”

“Well, what are YOU gonna do Mitt?”

“I’m gonna pray Joe.  That’s the first thing I always do….pray and give thanks for all the things I have to be thankful for.”

“And after that?”

“Well, I’m gonna give my best girl Ann a big kiss and a hug.”

“You gotta a picture of your best girl Mitt?

“I sure do Joe…”

“WOW!  She’s a real looker Mitt.”

“Here’s a picture of me and Ann as the homecoming King and Queen.  This picture is of me as class President and Ann as my class secretary. And that’s me as the High School Quarterback and Ann in her head cheerleading outfit looking adoringly at me.”

Corporal Romney and his girl Ann at homecoming

“What’s that a picture of?  It looks like you and five other guys have some kid with long hair on the ground and it looks like you got your hand down his pants and you’re ripping his underwear out.”

“Oh yea.  That was some kid we had at school who we didn’t feel belonged because we thought he was different….so we taught him a lesson.”

“Here’s my senior class picture.”

“Hmmm, everyone in these pictures seems to be white.  Didn’t you have any blacks or Mexicans in your class Mitt?”

“Nahh. Those people have all the advantages. The mission of our high school was to give rich white kids a fair shot.”

“It’s almost morning.  I can see the sun coming up.  It sure is quiet out here.  Are you scared Mitt?”

“Yea I’m scared Joe…..but as long as our Heavenly Father is with us I know we’ll be okay.  I suspect Commander Smith will be giving us our orders soon so we’d better get ready.”

“Do you think we’re gonna make it Mitt?”

“Trust in God Pvt Shlabotnik….and we’ll make it.  Now let’s go down the checklist to make sure you’re prepared ….”

“White, short-sleeved, starched shirt with collar….check.”

“Black, J.C. Penny slacks with black belt…..check.”

“Black clip-on tie….check.”

“Black, military-style Oxford shoes…..check.”

“Name tags…..check.”

“One bicycle apiece with one cheap bike helmet for each of us….check.”

“One Book of Mormon apiece and one Bible each…..check.”

“Two black backpacks stuffed with Mormon flyers, pamphlets, handouts, and bookmarks….check.”

Corporal Romney and Pvt Shlabotnik ready for battle

“Looks like we’re ready Pvt Shlabotnik.  May God be with us in our fight.”

“(((Corporal Romney….Corporal Romney…This is Commander Joseph Smith….come in….come in….are you there Corporal Romney?….)))”

The call to arms comes from Commander Joseph Smith at Command Headquarters in Salt Lake City.

“YES SIR COMMANDER SMITH! This is Corporal Romney and Pvt Shlabotnik reporting as ordered.”

“Are you prepared for battle?”

“Yes sir, we are.”

“Then when you’re ready, you are to depart your foxhole and go door-to-door in  the southern Christian neighborhood in Alabama where you are currently at.  Good luck men…..and may God be with you.”

Commander Joseph Smith

“Thank you sir.”

“Pvt Shlabotnik….are you ready?”

“I’m ready Corporal Romney.”

“Always remember….we’re here to spread the word of Mormonism and convert as many people as possible.  I want you to know, if you don’t make it out of here, I’ll give your love to the folks back in Salt Lake City.   And if I don’t make it, will you give my love to Ann?”

“Yes Corporal Romney.”

“Then….LET’S GO …..HOOAH!!!!!”

(For his courageous efforts in this particular battle, Corporal Romney was awarded the Mormon Purple Heart….which means a southern, evangelical white man who believes Mormonism is a cult, sicked his pit bull on Romney which grabbed him by his right pants leg causing some minor scratches on his ankle and some teeth marks on his Oxford.  The incident also caused Corporal Romney to cry, prompting Pvt . Shlabotnik to console him.)

Pvt Shlabotnik consoles Corporal Romney after he is bitten by a dog


Note from Editor:  For something a tad crazier, try Clarence Thomas Arrested for Impersonating a Black Man

Mitt Romney’s Psychotherapy….Televised

A sensitive and traumatized Romney

Hoping to jump start Romney’s floundering campaign by showing Americans his sensitive, compassionate, and vulnerable side, Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s campaign managers decided it was time for him to seek psychiatric counseling…before a live television audience.

TV audience watches as Governor Romney prepares for psychoanalysis

His campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, said Governor Romney decided to seek help from famous Russian psychiatrist, Ivan Kutchakokov, whose specialty is working with the wealthy elite who want to better relate to the inferior classes in order to exploit them for personal gain.  Dr. Kutchakokov has helped the rich and famous for more than 30 years including Donald Trump (with his fake bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), John McCain (with his phony mood disorder), and Newt Gingrich (with his very real  Encopresis (involuntarily shitting his pants)).

Dr. Ivan Kutchakokov getting a whiff of Newt’s underwear

“So what brings you here to see me today Governor Romney?”

“Well doctor…I’d like to start out by saying it’s not easy for me to be here today.”

“Why is that?”

“Because my image is that of a self-made man and someone who doesn’t have any weaknesses or vulnerabilities like common, inferior Americans.  But, despite the fact that I have superior genes and come from a superior class of people, I too have had things happen to me which have left me deeply traumatized….psychologically.”

“Such as?”

“Well….I have trouble talking about this.”

“Governor Romney…what you say here stays here.”

“There was once….when I was about 15….((sniff))….”

“Can I offer you some Kleenex?”

“Yes…thank you ((sniffle)).  Anyhow, I once came home with only 15 million in earnings for the month as a junior hedge fund intern compared to my usual 17.5 million at one of my father’s companies…..and Father CUT BACK MY POLO PRACTICES FROM FOUR TIMES A WEEK TO THREE FOR A FULL WEEK!! (((SOB)))!”

Young Romney during happier times before Father’s “polo punishment”

“And what are you feeling right now?”

“Angst….horror…..pain….anger….and just the slightest difficulty breathing.”

“What else can you tell me about your past Mitt….uh, can I call you Mitt?”

“No, I would prefer you call me Governor….or Governor Romney.”

“What else Governor Romney?”

“When I was 17, Father and Mother punished me horribly…..and to this day it’s difficult to talk about….

“Again, you’re in a safe place.   Take your time.”

“Well, Father always told me that I should be proud of my superior genes and my family superiority.  So all I was doing was exercising the superiority that Father told me about when I gave some homosexual-acting art student named Sidney a super wedgie in gym class and then hung him to the rafters by his underwear while everyone laughed.”

“So you were punished because of the injustice of bullying the weak and defenseless?”

“No, I was punished because the queer theater instructor who stuck by all the queers like Sidney told the Principal who called my father.”

“And what did your father do?”


“So, how did that make you feel?”

“I felt GREAT about what I did to Sidney….but what Father did to me was devastating.”

“So, this punishment….this punishment you feel was unjustified because it was your first offense?”

“No… wasn’t my first offense.  It was my 158th offense.  But I felt the punishment was inconsistent with the privileged status that Father always taught me was mine to use as I pleased.”

“Your father was angry because you abused this privilege?”

“No, he was angry because I got caught.”

“And what did these experiences in your childhood and adolescence do to you?”

“It made me feel traumatized–a fact which should make me appear more human and more vulnerable to the people whose support I need and whom I hope to buffalo into believing that my own horrible adversity in my own life equals theirs so that they better relate to me and would want to have a beer with me, even thought I don’t drink beer, and would vote for me.”

“Well Governor….I definitely believe I can help you.  I’d like to start out meeting you three times a week for eight weeks.”

“What’s wrong with me doctor?”

“Governor….I believe you have a serious case of Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome for which there is no real cure but with the right kind of therapy we can help you prevent any further and deeper insertion that could lead to eventual suffocation.”

Governor Romney….your problem is obvious

“Thank you doctor.”