In an effort to reduce tensions with white people in the U.S., the Black Lives Matter movement is changing its name to “Black Lives Matter…Sort Of”–effective immediately.
‘“We originally were going to change the name to “Black Lives Matter But Obviously Not As Much As White Lives, Probably Slightly Less…Or About As Equal, Depending On What Day Of The Week It Is, To Hispanic Lives, But Clearly More Than Native American Lives,’” said Amos “Bo Jangles” Jefferson, president of Black Lives Matter…Sort Of. “But it was determined that name may have been a bit long.”
“It was never our intention to upset white people as we believe we have,” said Jefferson, “and we’re really sorry about it. We feel pretty bad about how things have gone recently and the perception given off by that name that we really believe we’re equal in any way to white people which we aren’t and that we should matter as much which we do not.”
“I think our organization needed to ratchet down the rhetoric and stop offending white people,” said former Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, who was recently appointed public relations spokesman for BLM…Sort Of.
Another objective of the new direction of BLM…Sort Of, according to Jefferson, is to get blacks to tamp down their expectations that they are equal, or even close to being equal, to white people.
“That was Newt Gingrich’s (former U.S. Speaker of the House) idea,” said Jefferson. “Newt now serves on our board and he and Herman really felt that we should do everything we can not to provoke white people and, of course, we fully agree.”
“I never had any intention to provoke white people,” said former Black Lives Matter protester, Harold Washington. “I’m so sorry that we apparently did and they were left with the impression that we feel like we’re as good as them which of course we are not. We want everyone to know we made a mistake and we’re sorry about it.”
“There will be a long healing period,” said Cain. “We don’t expect white people to forgive us overnight. We just hope they will eventually.”
One thing that could help the healing quicker is a proposal from Jefferson to stop calling Black Lives Matter…Sort Of a movement and start calling it a social gathering.
“What we’d like to do is to start having pot lucks throughout areas in America where we may have offended white people the most.”
“I think that’s a great idea,” said Cain. “We hope and pray they will forgive us and come to our invites. One thing is for sure….if white people give us a chance, they will have a good time with lots of great food including some of our favorites like fried chicken and watermelon.”
Told that fried chicken and watermelon are ugly stereotypes applied to blacks, Cain said “we’re not going to worry about stuff like that anymore. The days of us taking offense over such things are over.”
Jefferson said the healing needs to begin. “If changes to our name and perspective don’t make things better, we’re prepared to adjust our name, if necessary to “Negro Lives Matter…A Little” or “Colored Lives Matter…But Not So Much You’d Notice.”
“We’re prepared to go back to segregated water fountains if that’s what it takes,” said Cain.