Category Archives: Gay Sex is Beautiful…Ask the Right-Wing Christians Who Can’t Get Enough of It

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

Scouting at its Finest

1830.scoutvalues

The annual Boy’s Scouts of America annual convention convened this year in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  As expected, this year’s convention was filled with controversy over the unthinkable prospect of homo youths joining the scouts.  National BSA Grand Master, Hugh G. Rection presides over the convention:

“Gentlemen, a dark cloud is hanging over the fine institution that we know and love.”

image4764474g

BSA Scouting leader, Hugh G. Rection: “We must preserve the sanctity of the buttock.”

((here here))!!!

“Did you know, that people are beginning to call us….”The Boy Sex of America”?!?!?!

(((boooooooooo…nooooooooooo!!!!))

“That’s  right my friends….we must protect our institution and its reputation for producing some of the finest and most upstanding citizens of this great country of ours.”

(((here here)))!!!

“Left wing Socialist and Communist factions in our own great country as well as evil empires such as the Soviet Union are trying to force homo sex on our boy scout fraternity.”

“(((NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!…..NEVER!!!!!!))

“And you and I are well aware that our leaders throughout the anals…..err annals, of time have been accused of everything from child molestation to pedophilia.  Well, I’m here to tell you that we are doing everything we can as leaders to curb this sort of behavior as much as possible.”

eagle-scout-marshall-watts

Underneath those merit badges is a young man of honor who must be protected from deviant boys at all cost.

(((YES)))!!!

“I have more than 30 years of scouting experience to include 25 as a leader and I’m happy to say that I’ve curbed my instances of pedophilia from over 100 a year to just a HANDFUL!!”

david-watkins-boy-scout-sodomy-275x275 (1)

New Troop 155 leader, Hans Omaicok, in mugshot photo, before assuming the position as leader of 155 succulent boys

(((“YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!)))

“And I’m proud to say that just talking about this right now is making me feel all tingly in certain lower extremities of my body….but my friends, I’m able to mostly restrain my feelings now through having accepted Christ as my savior!!!!”

(((CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST !!!!)))

“….and I’m happy to say that it works maybe one out of 10 times!”

((praise Jesus!!!))

“My friends, all of you are fine scout leaders.  And all of you must understand the tremendous pressure we face as leaders in the scouting movement and how we must let off steam every now and then so our urges and desires won’t cloud our judgment to do the right thing!!!!

(((RIGHT!!!!)))

…and in this case, my fellow leaders….the right thing is to keep homo scouts OUT!!!!!”

(((KEEP EM OUT….KEEP EM OUT….KEEP EM OUT!!!!!)))

“Always remember what the Vatican taught us, folks. Homophobia is the world’s oldest cover for pedophilia. We will NOT allow our young 11-15 year olds with their adolescent and rippling bodies and their hard butt cheeks to be perverted by homo sex with their peers when they are supposed to be perverted by US!!!!”

(((DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!)))

boy_scouts_char_counts_colo1

“My fellow leaders….that concludes our main message of this year’s convention. I conclude by saying, these young men are coming of age with all of their innocence and their hot bodies that I, personally, would just like to grease some up right now with cooking oil and get them into a boy scout tent somewhere where maybe we can have a threesome….or even a foursome and we can continue to teach these young men the right lessons of life so they can be our great scouting leaders of the future!!!!!! ”

(YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!))

“Now then, some of you look as flush as I feel.  Before convening, please stop by our convention table in the back where, for a nominal fee, you may purchase on either CD-Rom’s or flash drives, some of my favorite intimate scouting moments  over the past 25 years of my esteemed career as a scout leader.   All proceeds will supplement my 1.2 million-dollar-a year compensation package and safeguard my opulent sybaritic lifestyle.  And as a reminder, before retiring to your respective rooms,  along with your media purchases please pick up your mini bottles of Vaseline and KY-Jelly courtesy of the hotel.”

God talks to Dan Cathy

….well, if you want to call a one-sided, profanity-laced evisceration from the big man a “talk”.

God, already known as someone who can swear a blue streak, lit into the Chick-Fil-A magnate like  flies light on shit and SPB picked up yesterday’s entire phone conversation:

“LISTEN YOU FUCKING PECKERWOOD !!…If I EVER hear you say another word about “God’s Judgment”, or “God’s Mercy on our Generation” or anything else like you’re my spokesman, I swear to God I’ll come down to fucking earth and cut your fucking NUTS  OFF!!…You HEAR ME?!?!”

“Yes sir I do but….”

“SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP!!!”

Sorry Dan, no more speaking for God. Otherwise…….

“We’ve got enough of a bad rep up here as it is without a pseudo pasty boy like you going off all sanctimony-like as if you’re speaking for us and you know what the fuck I want!”

“But sir, if you’d just give me a minute I could….”

“I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP while I’m talking.  You piece of shit….you and that fucking brother of yours make 100 million a year selling that crap chicken to a bunch of blank-faced evangelicals and all you kicked in to me last year was a measly 2 million?!?!”

“I can explain sir it was our accountant’s fault and…”

“Fuck you, you Christian pussy.  I’m SO SICK of Christian pussies with whiny, excuse-making voices that sound like Ned Flanders.  I swear to God, not in a million goddamn years did I think when I created all you motherfuckers on earth that all the Christians would turn out to be sniveling, whiny pussies.  Not in a million years… And what was that you said about “shaking a FIST at me?!”  Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, if you so much as raise a finger in my direction I’ll strike your ass down so quick they’ll be pulling pieces of your head our of your ass.”

“But God, I….’

“You WHAT!?!?  What are you gonna do?  YOU’RE  gonna start deciding who can eat your shitty chicken now?!?!  HELLLO…didn’t you get the message that it’s ME that decides shit…NOT YOU!!

“But I didn’t….”

“So, from this point forward….here’s what you’re gonna do:  #1, you’re gonna let any goddamn person on this planet who likes your shitty food come into your restaurants when they want, how they want, dressed the WAY they want, and holding hands with WHO they want.  I don’t give a shit if some guy married to a HORSE comes through your doors….you’ll serve them….you understand?!”

“Yes sir but…”

“#2….you’ll now be kicking two million a month upstairs to me instead of the fucking 2 million a year you’ve been giving.   And #3, I don’t want to ever hear your hypocritical, christiany ass speaking for me, heaven, or anything else religious under the banner of Shit-Fil-A…understand?”

“Yes sir, and I…”

“And if I ever see or hear of you slip….even once, I’ll release the videos I have of you pulling a Jerry Sandusky on that fry cook kid of yours at that restaurant in OshKosh, Wisconsin a couple years back so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

Apparently God has evidence of Dan Cathy sucking on something much bigger than a straw…

“I can explain that sir….you see…”

“You think I wasn’t looking you asshole?  Did you forget I don’t miss anything up  here?  Why I have the goods so much on Mike Huckabee he won’t scratch his fat ass without looking up at the sky.    How many restaurants do you have Cathy?”

“As of today sir, I believe we have about four thousand four hundred stores throughout the U.S.”

“Well, if you fuck up again, it’ll be half that by the end of this week….you understand?”

“Yes sir.”

“By the way Cathy….last week I stopped by one of your stores up above and I thought I’d let you know that your chickenshit sandwich was rubbery, the mayonnaise on it tasted rancid, the fries were greasy, and my diet coke tasted like cat piss.  As far as I’m concerned, Chick-Fil-A can go straight to hell.”

Taking a Santorum

Unknown to most earthlings, who arrogantly believe that life exists only on Earth, there are many species of humanoids scattered across the universe.  One thing that all humanoids have in common is that they all defecate.  But if humanoid culture on the planet Alfa is any guide, there are perhaps as many views of defecation as there are humanoid species.

Planet Alfa

The planet Alfa is located in our galaxy some 25 light years from our sun and the humanoids who live there–homo merdaleus–regard defecation with reverence.

“The beings on Alfa call it ‘taking a Santorum,'” said famed astro-anthropologist, Hans Omaicok.  “And it fits in with their creation myths,” added Omaicok.  “Inhabitants of Alfa believe that god shat the world and all humanoids into existence.  Consequently, they regard every shit as a sacred creation.  Santorum is of central importance to the Alfarians because he is the most perfect shit ever born.  He is worshiped on Alfa as a god.”

Alfarian worshiper pictured in a state of religious ecstasy

Alfarians take their devotion to Santorum very seriously.  Telescopic images of Alfa indicate that the inhabitants consume huge amounts of food allowing them to defecate some four times a day.

“Four times a day equates to some 1408 defecations (or Santorums) in an earth year,” said Omaicok.  “The thing is, one earth year equals 70 years on Alfa which means on average, an inhabitant of Alfa  defecates about 98560 times a year…and since they generally live about 1000 years compared to our average of around 75 years, each Alfarian defecates about 983500000 times in a their average lifetime.  It bears noting that the homo merdaleus population on Alfa is large. The planet, which is roughly the size of Uranus, is literally covered with sacred mountains of Santorum.”

...

“In our culture, by contrast,” explained Omaicok, “a Santorum is something so embarrassing that we are loathe to speak of it.  Part of this has to do with our own relatively antiseptic creation myths and our cultural taboos against mixing sex and excrement.  Part of it has to do with the fact that Santorum is a heartless, money-grubbing Christofascist closeted homophobic racist who wears pussy-assed sweater vests.”

“If I had to sum up the primary difference between our two humanoid cultures I would say this:  when THEY ‘take a Santorum’ they feel that they are participating in an activity that is godlike.  Sentient earthlings, on the other hand, regard a ‘Santorum’ as a colonic embarrassment.  In the common English vernacular we would equate ‘Santorum’ with a ‘slimy shit’…or better yet, a ‘slimy dumbshit.'”

Suddenly a Fun Candidate (The Unredacted Version that the Washington Post Refused to Publish)

By 

Rick Santorum has become central because Iowa Republicans ignored an axiom that is as familiar as it is false: Democrats fall in love, and Republicans fall in line. Republicans, supposedly hierarchical, actually are — let us say the worst — human. They crave fun. Supporting Mitt Romney still seems to many like a duty, the responsible thing to do. Suddenly, supporting Santorum seems like a lark, partly because a week or so ago he could quit complaining about media neglect and start having fun, which is infectious.  Plus, Rick loves fucking other men up the ass and I can attest to that first hand because yours truly has been a recipient of Rick’s ass fucking on at least a dozen occasions and with any luck, many more in the future.
Santorum is not, however, a one-dimensional social conservative.  Nor is he a one-dimensional ass fucker.  I can tell you that Rick is just as adept at receiving as he is giving.   He was Senate floor manager of the most important domestic legislation since the 1960s, the 1996 welfare reform. This is intensely pertinent 15 years later, as the welfare state buckles beneath the weight of unsustainable entitlement programs: Welfare reform repealed a lifetime entitlement under Aid to Families with Dependent Children, a provision of the 1935 Social Security Act, and empowered states to experiment with new weaves of the safety net.White voters without college education — economically anxious and culturally conservative — were called “Reagan Democrats” when they were considered only seasonal Republicans because of Ronald Reagan. Today they are called the Republican base.  But more to the point, Rick is easily the best ass fuck I’ve ever had….even better than Mark Foley and Larry Craig.

Santorum candidly describes Larry Craig's ass as THIIIIS BIG !

Who is more apt to energize them: Santorum, who is from them, or Romney, who is desperately seeking enthusiasm? I can answer that:  Rick Santorum of course cause no one….and I mean NO ONE fucks a man’s ass as well as Santorum and I have the drilled ass to prove it.  Romney recently gave a speech with a theme worthy of a national election, contrasting a “merit-based” or “opportunity” society with Barack Obama’s promotion of an “entitlement society,” which Romney termed “a fundamental corruption of the American spirit.”  And Rick Santorum recently fucked his 251st man ass which is a milestone for anyone much less a beltway insider.  Which is probably why us guys have dubbed Rick as the “INSIDER’S insider,” if you catch my drift.  Santorum exemplifies a conservative aspiration born about the time he was born in 1958.  A mere 18 years later, as a college freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, Rick earned his stripes railing against “queers” while simultaneously taking part in as much male butt sex as humanly possibly in his all-male dormitory.  I, myself, had long left the college scene otherwise I would have been knee deep (and permanently ON my knees) with Rick and the rest of em.

Santorum as a butt-boy frosh at the U. of Pittsburgh in 1978. He railed against gays during daylight and took it up the dirt road at night

Even if Santorum is not nominated, he might galvanize a constituency that makes him a vice presidential choice. For Obama, getting to 270 electoral votes without Pennsylvania’s 20 is problematic. But so, just now, are Republican prospects of getting to 270 with their narrowing choice of candidates.  And if Rick Santorum IS nominated, he’ll be the first nominee who I can proudly say got his “in the end.”   Other the other hand, I can also proudly say that Rick got ME… “in the end.”

Excerpts from “In My Time”

The following are excerpts from former Vice President Dick Cheney’s soon-to-be-released book, “In My  Time”:

Chap 4:  “Do me Mr. President…or let me do you“:

It was one month after 9-11.  The President and I were sitting in the Oval Office alone.  He had been drinking…and so had I.  It was getting late but it was clear that neither of us were going anywhere that night.

“Dick, do you think I should have put down that book, My Pet Goat, quicker and done something that day?”

“Mr. President, there’s no point in rehashing your cowardly behavior.  Just let it go,” I counseled the President like a father to a son.

“Dick, I just feel like a chickenhawk.”

“Well, that’s because you are a chickenhawk, Mr. President,” I consoled him.  “And so am I…and proud of it.  And you should be proud of it too Mr. President.  There are many more important things in life than having character and integrity.”

“Dick, I know I’ve been drinking….but I’d like you to fuck me up the ass.”

“Mr. President, I’m not sure how dignified that would be….but if it would make you feel better, sure….I’ll be a loyal Vice-President and do my duty.  Just so long as you remember who was on top and who’s doing the fucking.”

“Sure Dick….you’re in charge.  Now, giddy up.”

“Uhhhhhhhh….uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..ah hummina hummina hummina….”

Chap 6:  “Making command decisions…like, should I fuck Lynne or just whack off?”:

Lynne is a skank.  That much is clear.  She’s always been a skank and always WILL be a skank.  I hate her face, her personality, and the way she dresses….but I mostly hate her voice.  It is like fingernails on a chalkboard.  Oh how often I want to kill her….or have her killed.  I wonder if I could get someone from that fucked up CIA organization to do it for me?  I wonder if I could get away with it?  Probably not.  The CIA would probably just fuck that up too and it would come back on me.  It looks like I may have to take matters into my own hands. But how?

Tonight is our annual sex night. I can’t stand the thought of it.  I’d rather eat a plate of bull dung.  I would just prefer to beat off to my extensive file of Condi Rice pictures.  That’s who I REALLY want to be with.  I must come up with a way to get rid of Lynne and get away with it.  Why can’t I get this done?  I’ve been successful at everything else in running this country….why not this?

Chap 10:  “Osama’s not so bad…neither is Hitler”:

So Osama is dead.  Too bad.  In hindsight, he wasn’t such a bad guy.  A lot of people get bad raps in life many times unjustifiably.  Look at Hitler.  People forget that he really did a lot of good before he killed six million Jews.  People tend to cast too many aspersions about other people and “broad brush” them over isolated mistakes.  I think that’s unfair.  I personally believe in second chances.  Who knows what Osama Bin Laden could have been if people had given him a fair shake. I hope that the unforgiving American court of public opinion will be a little kinder to me. God knows I deserve it.  After all, I have saved this country. I should get some credit for that.

Chap 13:  “I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner….or had a wiener up my ass”:

One of the great perks, among many others, in being Vice President is there’s always someone available to poke you up the butt. Just the other night I was poking Mr. President up his rump when Karl Rove walked in on us completely out of the blue.  Instead of being the whiny, miserable little fat cretin he usually was, for once Rove made himself useful and, at my command, poked ME up the ass while I was poking the President.   Rove wasn’t so bad after all.  Everyone has their virtues.

Chap 17:  “Chickenhawk and proud of it”:

Our greatest Americans are people who have not served….and I would like to count myself as one of those great Americans who has not served.   My proudest moments in my government service is when I was Secretary of Defense under the first Bush Administration and in charge of sending young men and women to war to die.  I got a particular satisfaction out of  knowing that I, myself, had not served.  It made me feel like a king.  I feel a certain sense of nobility knowing that I’ve been responsible for so much death and despair….and gotten away with all of it….every last move.  And now I’m able to continue living like a king by raking in big bucks from suckers like you who buy this book.  Ain’t life grand.

Southpaw Interview with Marcus Bachmann

“Thank you, Mr. Bachmann, for being our guest.”

“You’re very welcome.”

Marcus Bachmann wants to be First Lady...err, First Man

“Let me start out by asking you about your gayness…”

“Certainly.”

“You’re about the most obvious example of a pasty white, fat pansy, rump humping, cornholing queer on the planet since Billy James Hargis.  Yet you’ve been married to that fucking skank of a wife of yours for more than 20 years.  How do you explain that?”

Hargis....former Evangelical leader of the The Society of Gay Hating Gays to Eradicate Gayness

“Well Southpaw, for starters I’m not just any gay…I’m a gay-hating gay.  In the state of Minnesota when my wife was in the state Senate, I helped her to champion some of the most sweeping anti-gay legislation we’ve ever seen in the state.  I’m proud to have been a part of something so hateful especially given the fact that I’m gay and I hate gays to include myself.”

“So you’re a gay hating gay.

“Yes.”

Michele and Marcus with five of their 36 foster kids two of whom (the men) Marcus is currently attracted to

“How do you reconcile such a position with other gays?”

“I don’t.  As I said, I hate gays and I’d like to seem them eradicated from the planet.  What difference does it make if I’M gay?”

((southpaw scratches head))

“I have to admit Mr. Bachmann that your argument and your positions on this issue are some of the most insane I’ve ever heard in my 40 years of reporting.”

“Look,  just because I’m anti-gay doesn’t mean I can’t be gay or partake in gay activities.   I’ll continue to fight gay rights in Minnesota and the rest of the U.S. tooth and nail…even if it means I’m fighting myself.  In the meantime, I’m going to have as much sex with men as I can while the gettin’s good before I change the laws that will possibly make it more difficult to get what I want which is as much gay sex as I can handle as often as I want.”

“When was the last time you had sex with your wife?”

“Never.   As Redd Foxx once said of Eleanor Roosevelt, That chick gives me a soft-on.  Well that’s pretty much the same reaction I get when I see Michele.  Besides, she always has a headache so even if I could, I wouldn’t even try.”

Marcus, a therapist, counseled himself from homosexuality to heterosexuality which lasted approximately 90 minutes

“You run a psychology clinic that professes to be successful at “rehabilitating” gays from homosexual to heterosexual.  Such a profession has generally been discredited by most reputable psychologists throughout the world.  How many documented successes have you actually had with such endeavors?”

“To date, we’ve treated 327 God-fearing homosexuals turning them into heterosexuals within 90 days.”

“Have there been any cases of relapse that you’re aware of?”

“Yes….to date there have been 327 relapses….usually occurring within 90 minutes.”

“Interesting.  Thank you for speaking with us Mr. Bachmann.  I believe Americans are ready for your wife and yourself to lead this fucked-up nation of ours.”

“Thank you for having me.”