Category Archives: Cruz Cruzified

Pussy Face Erectus

Famed anthropologist, Dr. I. Yankit, who discovered pussy face erectus explains its uniqueness, history, and evolution to his students at MIT:

“Ladies and gentleman…it is in this being that we have essentially discovered the missing link between regular people and the legions of pussy American men who are soulless, evangelical eunuchs.”

Dr. I. Yankit

Dr. I. Yankit

“Is it a he or she, doctor?”

“Well, that would be the million dollar question, Mr. Smithers, to which there are no easy answers.  Therefore, I have simply been referring to it as it.  Notice the large hips and waist similar to those of a woman…and the petite hands with no visible signs of ever having done any labor of any kind in its life…that is, except for the curious callouses on its right hand suggesting less of labor and more of it having spent an extraordinary amount of time gratifying itself….perhaps as much as 18 times a day.”

ted-cruz

Pussy Face Erectus

“What about its sex organs doctor…does it have any?”

“Another good question.  Pussy face erectus SEEMS to have the penis of a male….yet it is one of the smallest recorded in history on a male specimen.  For that reason I’m unable to fully determine its gender.”

“What about its face, Professor?  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Well that is because there never HAS been anything like it, Mr. Smithers.  Notice the pasty and puffy cherub cheeks as well as the sharp nose.  Notice the beady, cold, and expressionless eyes and the thin lips and small, sharp teeth not entirely unlike those of a man-eating piranha.  Then there are the jowls underneath its chin.  Notice the hanging bags of fat historically found almost exclusively underneath the chins of fat, carpet-bagging, pedophilic, southern evangelical preachers.”

...notice jowls, sharp and small teeth...and thin lips

…notice jowls, sharp and small teeth…and thin lips

“So, Professor….you earlier stated that you could ascertain the personality of pussy face erectus based on its body type and facial features.”

“Absolutely Ms. Bailey….almost beyond a reasonable doubt, I can ascertain that pussy face erectus is a miserable cretin and horrible human being devoid of any soul…empty to the core with no loyalty to anyone but itself.”

Professor I. Yankit estimates that Pussy Faceerectus would have been a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul

Professor I. Yankit maintains that pussy face erectus is a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul

“Additionally, it is predisposed to be a demagogue in the name of religion not unlike the religious zealots responsible for the Salem witch burnings.  As a leader, it is the quintessential coward who will send others to war and to their deaths while refusing to serve, yet calling others who did serve disloyal.  It uses empty words like ‘freedom’ and ‘patriot’ and symbols like the American flag to obfuscate its extreme anti-social personality.”

“It’s a hideous creature, Professor.”

“Indeed it is, Ms. Jenkins….yet we must study pussy face erectus in an effort to understand the phenomena of pussy, evangelical, eunuch men in America.”

“And then what, Professor?”

“Well, when we finish I’ll just toss its filthy carcass in the incinerator out back and just hope we never see another like it.”

Study, learn, and destroy...hoping for never another like it

Study and learn

Letter from an Admirer

The Honorable Ted Cruz
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed.  You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots.  Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day.   We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me.  In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along.  We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.

You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years.  I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted in his best demagogue pose

Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman.   Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task !  You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.

Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you.  That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric.   But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now.  I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along.  And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day.  What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American.  You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.

ted cruz fullness

How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?

I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here.  You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here.  I hope you’re alright with that.  I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it.  And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like.  I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell.  And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics.  We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler.  So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light.  You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.

Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate.  We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.

You’re a great American.

Your friend,

Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee

250px-Joseph_McCarthy

Joe in his best inquisition pose

P.S.  Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do.  How does this sound?  “Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!

The 12 Days of Hatemas….#5

Happy-Holidays

…and on the 7th day, the lord said, “let there be hate”….and it was so.

Greetings fellow nattering nabobs of negativism.  It’s the 12 Days of Hatemas….

……featuring some of the most hated people in America (according to a worldwide poll taken by southpaw staff members and polling experts) in 12 separate installments…from number 12 to number 1.  This wonderful hatefest, in the spirit of the pure joy of hate during these festive times, is based on who spb believes are the most influential,  loud-mouth, ugly, obstructive, mean-spirited, racist, piece-of-shit motherfuckers throughout the year 2012….and who will, no doubt, continue to be in 2013 .

Number 5:  Ted Cruz 

ted cruz AP

El “Pussy Face”

Paraphrasing the great Mexican General Santa Anna, circa March 1836 after overseeing the defeat of Texas in the Battle of the Alamo, “If Ted Cruz is the best we have to fucking offer in 2013, fuck…..we just wasted a lot of time and effort taking this goddamn Alamo.  Texas can have it…and Latino’s can go fuck themselves.”

Naturally a few liberties were taken with history over this account (but my spb historical sources say I’m generally right).  The point of all of that, of course, is U.S. Senator Elect Ted Cruz (Tx) is a pretty sorry sack of shit and not exactly a good way for Latino’s to get started on their journey towards eventual majority status in the U.S.

Why even now Cruz is famously known south of the boarder as “El Pussy Face”….or La Cara de Hili Poyas.   “No me fio ni un poco en El Pussy Face,”  (I don’t trust that asshole not even a little bit) said Nelson Jimenez at the Hay Caramba ! titty bar in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico.

Ted_Cruz_by_Gage_Skidmore (2)

The feeling is mutual, Nelson, believe me.  In fact, I don’t think there’s anyone in this year’s Hatemas poll…or even in America…or even in the WORLD that I hate, at the moment, as much as Ted Cruz.  And here’s the kicker:  he’s not even in the goddamn Senate yet!!!!  Imagine how I’ll feel about this douchebag two years from now.  By all indications based on the things I’ve heard Cruz say just in the run up to his Senate bid in Texas, I can tell you that he’s the slimiest, greasiest, nastiest, pastiest, creepiest  piece of shit to come to Congress since Tom Delay (and naturally they are both from Texas).  And just as naturally Cruz was a product of the teabagging recruiting machine of Senator Jim DeMint (soon to head the ultra right wing Heritage Foundation).  But here’s another kicker:  Cruz is SO conservative, he will make DeMint look like Barney Frank.  In fact (and you heard it here first)…Cruz promises to be the most conservative member in the history of the U.S. Congress which, when you think about Joe McCarthy, Jesse Helms, and others…is saying a mouthful.  In fact, when it comes to guys like Cruz, we have to stop using the word “conservative.”  With him, we have to start using descriptions, most often applied to Michele Bachmann and Sharon Angle, like “Batshit Crazy”, “off the reservation,” loony tunes, and nucking futz.

landing_sarahpalin (1)

SHE likes him…..’nuff said

…which brings me to why I picked Cruz as #5 to begin with.  This guy (and to a lesser extent Hatemas honorable mention selectee, Marco Rubio), is emblematic of what promises to be a new wave of (((barely))) Latino, ultra neocons clandestinely recruited by the most cynical and nastiest extremist elements of the Republican party who think that by doing so, they can cut into and capture some of the ever-growing Latino vote in America without changing a goddamn thing about their xenophobic philosophy simply by getting certifiable half-wits like Cruz cause they have a vowel or a “z” at their end of their name.  Of course, guys like DeMint, Matt Kibbe, and Dick Armey are assuming there are lots of right wing Latino voters waiting in the wings and ready to pee themselves over the likes of Cruz.

CRUZ-articleInline

But their assumption is wrong just like everything else tea party people have forecast will take place over time.  Cruz is the Latino version of Herman Cain who likely hates his own ethnicity as much as Cain hates his.  Cruz cut his teeth clerking for the late Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, William Rehnquist.  In 2000, he worked for the George W. Bush for President campaign.  He has pledged to “eliminate the U.S. Department of Education” which would end federal aid to college students.  Of Cruz’s eight oral arguments as Texas Solicitor General on behalf of Texas before the Supreme Court, five involved the death penalty, with Cruz arguing, at various points, that Texas should be allowed to execute the mentally ill, a Mexican national who hadn’t been informed of his Vienna Convention right to speak to his consulate, and a man who raped his stepdaughter.

Other cases he took on reflected his conservative Christian ideology. On his campaign website, he touts successfully defending the inclusion of the term “under God” in the Texas Pledge of Allegiance and a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the state Capitol. He notes that he fought in the courts to protect a Bible display installed on public property.

In his run up for the Republican nomination for U.S. Senator from Texas, Cruz was endorsed by David Barton, founder and President of “WallBuilders.”  With a name like that, wonder what THAT organization supports?  So, imagine Cruz…..an Hispanic….a resident of Texas, being supported by a group called WallBuilders….and being supported by Latinos from one end of the state to another….particularly those from boarder areas of the state like El Paso.

David Barton of "Wallbuilders" wearing a sharp outfit

David Barton of “Wallbuilders” wearing a sharp outfit

But what I’m worried about is the immediate future.  With the success of teabaggers like Cruz who, make no mistake about it, received the vast majority of his support from crazy Texas white people who love seeing someone with an Hispanic name who thinks like them, there may be other spawns like him in other ultra conservative parts of the U.S. like Florida, Nevada, Arizona….even Georgia.  At least in the short term, this gives off the impression that Latino’s have gone all right wing on us from coast to coast.  Of course nothing could be further from the truth but perceptions can be powerful as well as emboldening.

The good news is, once word widely gets out (if it’s not out already) that Cruz cares less about Latinos than Augusto Pinochet cared about Chileans during his hay day, I suspect his days will be numbered.  Not because Texas is suddenly going to go all liberal on us but because its demographics are changing quicker than just about any place this side of Arizona.  And you better believe Latinos already have a pretty firm grasp on Cruz’s number.  Lest I remind you, he’s supported by a group call “Wallbuilders.”  It won’t be long until someone with an “o”, or an “a”, or a “z” at the end of his or her name is residing in the Governor’s mansion in Austin.  Believe me…..if it’s a “Cruz,” it won’t be Ted.

With all the promise and hope the Latino culture will continue to bring to America in politics, business, and entertainment as they become more and more of a predominant force in this nation, I can’t think of a worse member of its heritage to “represent” them than the likes of Ted Cruz.  The quicker he is run out of D.C. specifically and American politics in general on a rail the better.

On the other hand, I can’t think of anyone who I’m more  proud to have than Ted Cruz as this year’s number 5 of The 12 Days of Hatemas.

Pussy Face Contest Winner Announced

Pussy Face Award WInner 2012

Texas Senate candidate,  Republican Ted Cruz, has overwhelmingly won the Pussy Face of the Year award for 2012 beating out five-time champ, Republican Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, and two-time champ, Georgia Republican Representative Tom Price, who finished second and third respectively.  Others receiving votes were Republican Rep., Ben Quayle of Arizona, Texas Republican members of the U.S. House, Representatives, Joe Barton and Louie Gohmert, Karl Rove, and Todd Palin.

Quintessential, prototypical Pussy Face

Emotionless eyes, cherub/evangelical cheeks, chin hanging out at the bottom=the perfect Pussy Face. Plus, notice the American Flag lapel pin: All Pussy Faces wear an American Flag lapel pin….but not ALL American Flag lapel pin wearers are Pussy Faces.

First-time winner Cruz, will receive his award at this year’s annual Hargis/Dobson Pussy Face Awards Ceremony on September 21st in Colorado Springs, Co. sponsored by the  Pussy Face Association of Texas.  Named after the late Rev Billy James Hargis, a four-time award winner and two-time award winner, the Rev James Dobson, this year’s award will be presented by Pussy Face Hall of Fame member, Tom Delay.

Award named after famous pedophiles Reverend’s Hargis and…….

….Dobson

“I’m proud to receive the Pussy Face award,” said Cruz.  “And I’m proud to be named to such an elite organization with members such as Gary Bauer and Ted Haggard.”

With a face like this, Cruz may never lose again

Behind those Cheshire cat eyes and those rugged good looks is a pussy face that can’t be hidden by a mere goatee….as much as Todd Palin would try

“Pussy Face” is defined as someone who is Republican, chinless, has puffed up, cherub cheeks, hollow/emotionless eyes, a somewhat sharp nose, who could likely pass as a woman if wearing women’s clothes, with a few exceptions has a biblical name, and who has a shit-eating look on his face that is immediately appealing to evangelicals yet  repelling to sane people.

Pussy Face and…..

…..non Pussy Face

“It’s my understanding that the Pussy Face characteristic is exclusive to American evangelicals which makes it that much more special to receive such an elite award,” said Cruz.

Asked to comment, Hall of Fame member, Tom Delay, said Cruz has what it takes to be a Pussy Face Hall of Famer himself.

All-time Pussy Face champ, Hall of Famer, Tom Delay

“He’s got the look,” said Delay.  “He reminds me of me when I was an up-and-coming, aspiring Pussy Face.”

“Why I’m so proud of him, I could just give him a blowjob….uhh…err….but, of course I won’t,” said Delay.  “That’s certainly not what this honor is all about so I absolutely refudiate* what I just said,” backtracked Delay.

*Delay refuses to submit to popular opinion (see Urban Dictionary definition: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Refudiate) that the word “refudiate” was not just simply made up .

Just one more look…..
Who can get enough of that face?