Category Archives: Bullshit Letters

Letter from an Admirer

The Honorable Ted Cruz
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed.  You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots.  Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day.   We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me.  In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along.  We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.

You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years.  I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted in his best demagogue pose

Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman.   Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task !  You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.

Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you.  That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric.   But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now.  I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along.  And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day.  What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American.  You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.

ted cruz fullness

How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?

I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here.  You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here.  I hope you’re alright with that.  I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it.  And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like.  I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell.  And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics.  We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler.  So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light.  You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.

Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate.  We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.

You’re a great American.

Your friend,

Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee

250px-Joseph_McCarthy

Joe in his best inquisition pose

P.S.  Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do.  How does this sound?  “Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!

Ah have SINNNED !!!!! (((Sob))) !

U.S. Representative Mark Souder (R-Ind.), resigned today when it was found out that he’s been repeatedly balling a part-time aide named Tracy Jackson in a extramarital affair.  Below is a copy of Souder’s letter with parenthetical interpretation:

Souder with unidentified aide (where's your right hand Mr. Congressman?)

Dear Constituents,

I have sinned against God (which is about the four hundredth time but who’s counting), my wife (whom I haven’t slept with anyway going on ’bout 10 years now), and my family (who are a bunch of freeloading fucks) by having a mutual relationship (which was only mutual because I couldn’t keep my paws off of her) with a part-time member of my staff (who spent a good portion her “part-time” part-timing my dick).

Who WOULDN'T want to get some of this chick magnet...to include the sharp-dressing dude on your left

In the poisonous environment of Washington, D.C., any personal failing is seized upon and twisted for political gain (which is as good an excuse as any for me getting my fucking nut off with another woman). I am resigning rather than put my family through a painful drawn out process (but if you wanna talk about pain, try wedging my wife’s frying pan out of your fucking head).

This kid managed to escape the grasps of Souder before becoming the victim of another Republican lawmaker

I am so ashamed (about being stupid enough to get caught) to have hurt the ones I love (and believe you me, I would have kept on a-hurtin’ if not for someone ratting me out).  I am sorry to have let so many friends down (which I could care less about) and people who have worked so hard for me (while I was busy “getting hard”).

Sincerely (but not really),

Rep Mark Souder

Tracy Jackson--The Other Woman

RNC Chair, Michael Steele, Explains to GOP How He Became Embroiled in S & M Controversy

Dear GOP,

There’s a perfectly good explanation for all of this brouhaha:

You see, I was in West Hollywood on business and I had some time on my hands and I was looking for a church so I could stop by for a quick prayer. I went into this, what looked like a night spot called The Stud Muffin to ask someone if they knew where the nearest church was. It seemed like a strange place and everyone was dressed in black leather bondage stuff with whips and chains and what not all around.

Michael puckering up in preparation for some mean sucking

Not wanting to stand out, I left and went into some W. Hollywood shop and purchased leather clothes, just like the ones I had seen in the bar so, out of courtesy I would look like them. I went back to The Stud Muffin and asked for directions and while I was doing that, my RNC-use-only credit card evidently got lifted and whoever did it, must have purchased 20 grand of whips, chains, leather goods, prostitutes and porn, none of which I know anything about (which makes the fact that three boxes of porn found in my hotel room even stranger).

Michael roughhouses with one of the male whores he picked up at The Stud Muffin

While at The Stud Muffin, I might have accidentally engaged in a number of the activities there as well in an effort to better assimilate with this community.  Having to suck off three beefcake dudes at once and afterward participate in a circle jerk was, of course, my way of providing community service.  As a leader of the Republican party I feel it is my duty to fulfill such service to the good people of the United States in order to continue to nurture good relations.  Additionally, I have no idea how that hole got in the back of my black letter pants.  But I did allow a couple of Stud Muffin constituents, at their request, take advantage of the hole with some strategic pummeling in my effort to, once again, reach out to the potential voting public.

Michael gettin' jiggy w/ it while Sarah prepares to pop a cap in Michael's Huge Jazz

Anyway, after all THIS was over, I was still able to find the church and do my praying but I got a lot of stares in the church wearing black leather from head to toe with a hold in the back allowing easy access to my burgeoning buttocks.  And that’s how it went down.

Sincerely,

Michael Steele

P.S.  The two male prostitutes who were engaged in oral sex in my bathroom told me that they mistakenly entered my room thinking it was theirs.  Once again, a perfectly reasonable explanation…

Beefcake found in Michael's anal cavity

Male prostitute found in Michael's hotel bathtub

Mark Sanford’s Real Apology

This unredacted apology is being reprinted here to help kick-off this site’s new Bullshit Letters Series.  Other letters in this Series include the Evan Bayh Letter, the John Ensign Letter, and the Tiger Woods Letter.

Dear Friends and Constituents:

Ah have recently spoken w/ Gawd (who is my go-to guy in a time of need) and he has told me that ah must follow the path of righteousness (meaning  wave the Bible like a banshee and hang on for dear life no matter what other shit happens between now and whenever they try to run my ass out of town on a rail).

I’m deeply sorry (I got caught) and I know ( I’d do it again and again if given half a chance) that I have deeply hurt and disappointed my wife (who hasn’t slept with me in six years anyway), my children (who are a couple of whiny little  shites), my friends (the few that I haven’t f**ked over),  and the people of South Carolina who (are a bunch of crackers, hillbillies, and illiterate, Wal-Mart-shopping f**kfaces)  believed in me not just as a Governor (which is a jerk-0ff job to begin with) but as a person (who, deep down, could give a shit about what anyone else thinks).

Ah, promise I will nevuh, evuh, be disloyal to my wife and the people of South Carolina again (which is total bullshit since ah just finished hammering some staff member chick not more than 15 minutes ago in the office right over yonder).

Yours fahever in Christ,

Gov. Mark “Mr. Sincerity” Sanford

P.S. If this letter does not do the trick, Ah will continue to publicly profess my sins to Gawd (and lie thru mah teeth while doing so claiming to be much more of a Christian than ah really am).

John Ensign’s Real Apology

This, just discovered.  The unredacted apology written by Ensign before it was edited by his handlers.

Friends, Nevadans, Fellow Americans,

I’m deeply sorry (I got caught) and I know ( I’d do it again and again if given half a chance) that I have deeply hurt and disappointed my wife (who wasn’t supposed to be home until 11 that evening), my children (who are a bunch of freeloading f**ks), my family, my friends (the people who can advance my ambitions), my staff (many of whom I f**ked around with…both gals and dudes) and the people of Nevada (whom I could give a shit about) who believed  in me not just as a legislator but as a person (which I could care less about).

Sincerely (but not really),

John Ensign

Tiger Apologizes….For Getting Caught

Dear Fans,

I’m really sorry (I got caught) and I promise I won’t do it again (with the loudmouth chick from IHOP…that’s for sure… but there’s a Waffle House right down the road from the IHOP and I’ll be paying them a visit right soon) because I know how much this has hurt people (and speaking of hurt, you ever have to unwedge a frying pan out of your fucking head?). I only wish I could go back in time and avoid making these mistakes (and make better choices than I did with some of the skanks I hooked up with). My wife has been extremely patient with me throughout this process (if you wanna call it a “process”….back home we used to call it getting our asses whooped).  I’m also sorry to my fellow players (most of whom are a bunch of fat-ass country clubbers who could only dream of getting some of the trim I’ve gotten over the last year) and to the PGA which has been so supportive over these last few months (knowing full well that I’m their meal ticket…otherwise they could give a flying fuck).

I promise to do better in the future (at least until the dust settles and then guess what I’ll be doing?).

Sincerely (kind of),

Tiger

Farewell From Evan

We lose an honorable man in Evan who wrote this sad letter to his constituents (with parenthetical interpretation):

“Dear Constituents,

I regret that I can no longer serve you in the Senate (since I prefer to serve my pockets) and, therefore, plan to leave the Senate and pursue other interests (including making as much money as humanly possible). I love serving you (almost as much as I like money) but I don’t like Washington, D.C. (except when I return there as a lobbyist and then I will simply LOVE D.C.).

The Senate has become too partisan (which never bothered me until I discovered it sounds like a fresher excuse to get the f**k out and go make some money than “I want to spend more time with my family”). I look forward to serving you again as, perhaps, Governor of our great state (which is total bullshit since it’s a bullshit gig anyway that pays even less than this fucking Senate job).

The thing I will miss the most is serving the great state of Indiana (and if you believe that I’ve got this beautiful beach front property to sell you in Fargo, North Dakota). I will miss you (about like root canal) and look forward to seeing you again (which I’ll never do since my single goal will be to enrich myself with money, money, money as decadently as possible).

Sincerely (but not really),

Evan