Author Archives: SouthPawBeagle

Black Lives Matter?

In an effort to reduce tensions with white people in the U.S., the Black Lives Matter movement is changing its name to “Black Lives Matter…Sort Of”–effective immediately.

‘“We originally were going to change the name to “Black Lives Matter But Obviously Not As Much As White Lives, Probably Slightly Less…Or About As Equal, Depending On What Day Of The Week It Is, To Hispanic Lives, But Clearly More Than Native American Lives,’” said Amos “Bo Jangles” Jefferson, president of Black Lives Matter…Sort Of. “But it was determined that name may have been a bit long.”

Bill Robinson
Amos Jefferson, President BLM…Sort Of

“It was never our intention to upset white people as we believe we have,” said Jefferson, “and we’re really sorry about it. We feel pretty bad about how things have gone recently and the perception given off by that name that we really believe we’re equal in any way to white people which we aren’t and that we should matter as much which we do not.”

“I think our organization needed to ratchet down the rhetoric and stop offending white people,” said former Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, who was recently appointed public relations spokesman for BLM…Sort Of.

HCain2

Cain

Another objective of the new direction of BLM…Sort Of, according to Jefferson, is to get blacks to tamp down their expectations that they are equal, or even close to being equal, to white people.

“That was Newt Gingrich’s (former U.S. Speaker of the House) idea,” said Jefferson. “Newt now serves on our board and he and Herman really felt that we should do everything we can not to provoke white people and, of course, we fully agree.”

“I never had any intention to provoke white people,” said former Black Lives Matter protester, Harold Washington. “I’m so sorry that we apparently did and they were left with the impression that we feel like we’re as good as them which of course we are not. We want everyone to know we made a mistake and we’re sorry about it.”

“There will be a long healing period,” said Cain. “We don’t expect white people to forgive us overnight. We just hope they will eventually.”

One thing that could help the healing quicker is a proposal from Jefferson to stop calling Black Lives Matter…Sort Of a movement and start calling it a social gathering.

“What we’d like to do is to start having pot lucks throughout areas in America where we may have offended white people the most.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” said Cain. “We hope and pray they will forgive us and come to our invites. One thing is for sure….if white people give us a chance, they will have a good time with lots of great food including some of our favorites like fried chicken and watermelon.”

Told that fried chicken and watermelon are ugly stereotypes applied to blacks, Cain said “we’re not going to worry about stuff like that anymore. The days of us taking offense over such things are over.”

Jefferson said the healing needs to begin. “If changes to our name and perspective don’t make things better, we’re prepared to adjust our name, if necessary to “Negro Lives Matter…A Little” or “Colored Lives Matter…But Not So Much You’d Notice.”

“We’re prepared to go back to segregated water fountains if that’s what it takes,” said Cain.

colored-drinking-fountain-bw

Escape from the Donald

 

Entamoeba histolytica in happier times

Entamoeba histolytica in happier times

It was a fateful moment for Zeke and Leroy, two germs facing death in the rotting colon of a humanoid host named The Donald.

“We gotta get out of here, Leroy,” said Zeke.

“Can’t we rest some more? This carcass is so full of noxious, putrid shit I can hardly breathe.”

“NO!!!! You’re so weak you won’t last another day if we stay here. Come on! It’s now or never!”

“Okay Zeke….just give me your arm….I can make it….I can make it.”

“That’s the Leroy I know. WAIT!! I hear the host bloviating…..something’s coming!. This is IT, LEROY!!!! Ready………….GO! GO! GO! GO!”

Hanging onto each other, the desperate germs use their last ounce of strength catching the tail end of a giant exploding turd.

“Zeke! We made it! We’re finally out my friend!”

“((Whew))!! Let’s head for the nearest pile of dog feces, Leroy, and get ourselves cleaned up.”

ISIL Stepping Up Fundraising

The terrorist group, ISIL, is trying different approaches to raising funds now that the U.S.-led coalition is targeting and destroying its oil refineries which have served as the groups primary money-maker.

“We plan to have more bake sales like the one we had last Saturday,” said Mustafa Ali-Baba, ISIL’s Chief of Fund Raising and Good Times.

“You wouldn’t believe how many good cooks we have in our group,” said Ali-Baba.  “We have guys who make some of the best toll-house chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had.”

“Don’t forget the brownies that Ishmal and his brothers make,” chimed in ISIL member Moobaba Ataboy.

The "Baker Boys" as they've come to be known by their many fans of their toll house cookies....especially the ones with the chocolate sprinkles.

The “Baker Boys” as they’ve come to be known by their many fans of their toll house cookies….especially the ones with the chocolate sprinkles.

“Oh, they’re incredible,” added Mohammad Abadabado.  “They absolutely melt in your mouth.”

“Well, what I think I like best are the rice krispy treats that Ali makes, said Mustafa.  “They may seem simple to make, but there’s something about them perfectly chewy on the inside and crispy on the outside.”

“You know what it is?” asked Ali coyly.  “A slight touch of lemon extract.”

((Wow…that’s it?  Really? Unbelievabe!))) said the gang.

“The key to a good bake sale is having lots and lots of variety and lots and lots of everything,” said Mustafa.

“And it just has to be fresh…period,” said Ishmal.  If they’re not fresh people don’t like them as much.”

cookies

Some of the delicious delectable delights featured every Saturday at an ISIL bake sale

“We made more than $346 dollars last week.  With a few more weekends like that we can maybe buy some more much-needed caliphate bumper stickers and yard signs that we’re short on.”

“And don’t forget the black flags,” added Moobaba.  “We’re running short on black flags.”

“OK EVERYONE! Let’s all get a good night’s rest.  Big baking day tomorrow. Yushef, you’re planning on bringing your famous peanut butter fudge, right?”

“Absolutely!  I’ll be up at four and baking by 4:30. ”

“You guys are great….you know that?  I know I don’t tell you that enough.  I mean, all of you work so hard it just makes me, well, proud.”

“It is hard work Mustafa….almost as hard as cutting off heads,” said Mohammad pointing to a large basket in the corner of the room filled with severed heads.  “But we love it.”

“You know something guys? ” said Moobaba….”when we put our heads together, we can really go places.”

“That’s what THEY said,” said Yushef pointing at the basket of heads.

((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!!

“You guys trip me out,  Good night fellas.”

Land “Snakes” Alive !!!

A snake-handling preacher was bitten and killed by a rattlesnake on Saturday.

And it’s about goddamn time.  With a name, occupation, and penchant for religious looney activities that can only come from Kentucky, wide-eyed Kentucky Pentecostal preacher,  Jamie Coots, finally fucked around with the wrong snake and one that didn’t much cotton to his religious rantings.  A rattler,  an atheist snake no doubt, bit and done killed him.  Finally.

Jamie Coots gone to meet his maker thanks to........

Jamie Coots gone to meet his maker thanks to……..

...this guy...our hero.

…this guy…our hero.

Believe it or not, they actually made a reality TV show, called Snake Salvation, out of this guy dancing around with snakes while speaking in tongues and taking his own worthless life in his own hands week in and week out.   Coots has been bitten eight times before during his 21 year reign of handling snakes.  But on Saturday some snake had apparently had it up to here with his bullshit and bit the fuck out of him.  Coots, being Pentecostal, refused medical treatment figuring god would come through for him.  God, in true form,  didn’t bail him out.  Maybe there is a god after all.

Coots’ wife, daughter, and son will carry on  his legacy and continue dancing with snakes. In fact, they’re celebrating Coots life by dancing with snakes around his corpse right now at his wake.

images

After they get done, assuming they, too, don’t get bit, all of them and a bunch of  other in-bred, toothless pedophile family members and friends will all head to Cracker Barrel for Sunday Brunch.

cracker barrel

…which begs the question, don’t they have anything better to do in Kentucky?

The clear answer to that is yes:

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Ghanian People and Bill Robinson Celebrate

Former incredibly obnoxious and insufferably precocious child star, Shirley Temple who, in the 30’s, made some of the most putrid, fucked up films in the history of the world leading to a nationwide pall of depression throughout all of America in what is commonly known as The Great Depression as well as causing hundreds of thousands of middle-age men to simultaneously spew vomit at the mere sight of her in what is known as “The Great Hurl”, and who later became a right-wing Ambassador during the Nixon and Reagan Administrations taking her facade of child-like sickening, syrupy and demented good cheer to such fucking backwater countries as Ghana causing half the population to commit mass suicide during her reign as Ambassador, is dead at 85.

Shirley Temple lollipop

“Good riddance,” said Nakimba Mutombo, a ranking government official while Temple served there as Ambassador.

“At all of our meetings together, before we’d get down to business, she insisted on us all doing renditions of “Good Ship Lollipop” and holding hands and such while we were doing it,” said Mutombo.  “We hated her fucking guts and after a few meetings like that my comrades decided they couldn’t take it any longer and started shooting themselves out in back of the building.  I mean living in Ghana was a nightmare by itself without bring Shirley Temple into it.  It was all I could do to stay alive myself….so I got out and now live in a primitive village in Sub-Saharan Africa where there is no electricity, not TV, no radios, no glamour magazines….and best of all, no one has ever heard of Shirley Temple.”

Nakimba Mutombo hopes to never hear the name "Shirley Temple" again

Former Ghanaian official, Nakimba Mutombo, hopes to never hear the name “Shirley Temple” again

Informed of her death, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, who served as Temple’s ass-kissing sidekick and lackey as well as her “yessuh boss!” Uncle Tom and house negro in most of her films, said he could give a shit.

Bojangles feigns happiness as he steps out with his master

Bojangles feigns happiness as he “soft shoes” with his master

“Shirley always acted like we was the besssst of friends,” said Robinson.  “But lemme tell you….she had that biiiig star on her dressing room door in that biiiiig dressing room all by herself….while me and the rest of us colored boys had to share one measly, shitty room together no bigger than a goddamn closet.  Plus, the caterers always brought ol’ Shirley any goddamn thing she wanted….caviar….chocolates….all sorts of meats and cheeses…..while all us old colored fools had to eat scraps in the goddamn KITCHEN!!”

Robinson reacts to the news of Shirley Temple's death

Robinson reacts to the news of Shirley Temple’s death

Robinson, now 127 years old himself and the oldest man in history, said he chose to live as long as he has out of spite just waiting for Temple to die.

“I done figure I had to eat shit from Shirley all those years so I’ll be goddamn if that curly-haired freak was gonna outlive me!  Now I can finally go in peace,”said Robinson.

As for Ghana, its current Prime Minister said today’s date will forever be known and celebrated by its people as Shirley Temple Independence Day.

Ghana

“FREE AT LAST,” Ghanaian people screamed in the streets after hearing the news…..”thank god almighty we’re FREE AT LAST!!!”

Great News for Virginia’s Condemned

“I’m elated that we finally get a choice,” said prisoner # 4653, Otis Campbell.

“Finally, we get a voice in decision-making,” said prisoner # 7369, Elmer Wayne Henley.

Of course these condemned inmates of Virginia’s penal system are talking about the fact that, thanks to progressive-minded state lawmakers who believe in choice, they, and dozens of others who are condemned, now get the choice of the electric chair over lethal injection.

"Finally we get a choice," said a reflective Elmer Wayne Henley.

“Finally we get a choice,” said a reflective Elmer Wayne Henley.

Electric Chair

This prison guard unveils what he calls the “proudest moment of my 20 years doing this job. There wasn’t a dry eye int he room, ” he added

“We believe in  choice when it comes to such things,” said State Rep Moe Lester of Poquoson, Virginia.  “For far too long our condemned state residents have only been given one option and, quite frankly, we consider such limits to be unfair and not keeping with the tides of change that our state has always embraced.”

Condemned prisoner, Henley, agree: “That’s what makes me proud to be an American….the freedom to choose,” he said.  “If I was condemned in Russia for instance I probably wouldn’t be given much of a choice.”

Greensville Correctional Facility in Jarrett, VA…..now a more fun, choice-filled place to be

“Elmer Wayne is right,” said condemned prisoner, Campbell. “I like to be able to choose.   That’s why I like going to Burger King more than McDonald’s cause when I go to Burger King if I choose to not have pickles and lettuce on my burger than I can.  I can have it MY way…whereas at McDonald’s I have to have my burger their way.  I’m proud to be incarcerated in a state that says if I want to die in the electric chair over lethal injection well damn it….I can.”

Have it your way....

Have it your way….

...have it your way

…have it your way

“Oh they can still select lethal injection if they so choose,” said Lester.  “And that’s the great thing about our state:  they GET that choice. Remember, as our state slogan goes “Virginia is for Lovers”.

As to what the “Virginia is for Lovers” slogan has to do with putting people to death remains a topic for later discussion…..but the fact remains that Virginia is one of the the few states progressive enough to advocate for choice when it comes to how one wants to be put down.

The Pro Choice Group, “Execution with Dignity”, agrees.

“We’ve been fighting for this for a long time and we feel very good about how far Virginia has come,” said “Execution with Dignity” spokesperson, Mike Oxlittle.

“We hope such a move will begin to open the doors to more choices like lynchings and the firing squad,” added Oxlittle.

A recent poll shows that by far the majority of condemned inmates of the Virginia system like having a choice and most, now that they’re to be given a choice, would choose the electric chair.

“Most everyone I’ve known who chose lethal injection just didn’t like it,” said Campbell.  “Something about it just didn’t feel right.  And most of them told me if given the choice to do it all over again they would take the electric chair any day of the week and twice on Sunday.”

...no longer a popular choice among inmates new and old.

…no longer a popular choice among inmates new and old.

Condemned inmate, Otis Campbell

Condemned inmate, Otis Campbell

Reminded that it seemed improbable that his now deceased contemporaries could have expressed their execution preferences after the fact, Campbell said he was more or less being anecdotal.

“Well, I may have embellished my story some….but generally speaking, I stand by what I said,” said a resolute Campbell.  “Choice is a great thing.  Choice is an American thing.”

RIP Lou Reed 1942-2013

Lou_Reed_-_Street_Hassle_front_cove

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkG9BKgDvNI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FdWPeHFAMk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OqVvYJnklM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOmZimH00oo