Author Archives: gordita

Weiner’s Weiner Seeks Redress

by gordita

A week after another sexting partner, Sydney Leathers, came forward with allegations against former Congressman Anthony Weiner, Weiner’s weiner has filed a complaint with the Fair Labor Standards Board asking to be paid for time he put in during his boss’ phone sex with twenty-something-year-olds across America. “And that doesn’t even touch on my right to be paid for my image being displayed to millions of people across the internet,” says Weiner’s weiner. “I mean, didn’t the chicks in Girls Gone Wild win some sort of lawsuit because they did not sign a release?”

It seemed like a great idea at the time.

It seemed like a great idea at the time.

Former Congressman Weiner maintains that his weiner’s charges are “complete bullsh*t.” “My weiner was a willing volunteer. At no time was there an employer-employee relationship.”

“The hell I was!” said Weiner’s weiner when I repeated Weiner’s allegations that he was a volunteer. “I only volunteered because Weiner said he was going to set up a pad for me and about ten women to get together and do the dirty. But then all he did was get on the phone and beat me like I owed him money. Jesus! I can’t believe I stood for it!”

weiner2

I was promised this….

And I got this.

And I got this.

When asked how much back pay he was demanding, Weiner’s weiner said the sum was somewhere in the high five figures including overtime.

“High five figures! That is a lot of money!”

“Yeah, well. Not to brag but I  could have done adult film gigs and earned more money that Croesus.”

Weiner1

Rising star

When asked to comment on Weiner’s weiner’s FLSA complaint, Ms. Leathers was sympathetic. “We both got stiffed big time. Both of us were promised a hook-up in Chicago. Plus, I was promised a condo and a cool job at Politico.  All I ended up getting was a lot of gasping choking noises over a phone line. Yuck. What a turn-off.”

“You feel you were victimized, Ms. Leathers?”

“F*ck yeah. But before we go any further, let me do a shout-out to Huma.  I AM A GOOD PERSON, REALLY AND TRULY! IT WAS JUST A VERY VULNERABLE TIME FOR ME! MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER SOME TIME!”

“How exactly were you a victim, Ms. Leathers?”

“Hold on a second, gordita. LARRY FLYNT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, ARE YOU STILL OFFERING A MILLION DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO TURNS IN A POLITICIAN?  IF NOT, I’LL BE HAPPY TO DO WHATEVER!”

“It sounds like Ms. Leathers has big plans, Weiner’s weiner. Is there anything new on the horizon for you?”

“Frankly, gordita, all I care about right now is getting some dough.”

“Any chance that the Congressman will be able to move on with his life?”

Not a chance, gordita. The press will never stop flogging Weiner.”

Weiner6

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A Justifiable Use of Deadly Racism

by gordita

Folks, here are the “Stand Your Ground” instructions given to the jury in the Zimmerman case.  The words in brackets were not spoken by the court but you can bet your right arm they were heard by the jury.

zimmerman

Ladies of the Jury, I am now going to give you instructions regarding self-defense.  It is a defense to second-degree murder and manslaughter if the death of Trayvon Martin resulted from a justifiable use of deadly force.

A [non-black] person is justified in using deadly force if he reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to himself [by a black person]. [Believe me, you will not be asked to find that a black man was justified in killing a white because everyone knows that in a Stand Your Ground state that pig won’t fly.]

In deciding whether George Zimmerman was justified in the use of deadly force, you must judge him by the circumstances by which he was surrounded at the time the force was used [such as the race of persons suspected of committing burglaries in the area]. The danger facing George Zimmerman need not have been actual [and we all know it was not actual until Zimmerman followed Trayvon Martin and scared the crap out of him]; however, to justify the use of deadly force, the appearance of danger [such as the appearance of danger when a person is young, black, male and scared sh*tless] must have been so real that a reasonably cautious and prudent [racist cracker from Florida] under the same circumstances would have believed that the danger [from an agitated black man] could be avoided only through [killing his ass]. Based upon appearances, George Zimmerman must have actually believed [and the more racist he isthe more powerful his belief would be] that the danger [of a spooked black man being hunted down in a white neighborhood] was real. If George Zimmerman was not engaged in an unlawful activity [and accosting people for being black is clearly not illegal, ask the NYPD] and was attacked in any place where he had a right to be [and don’t consider whether the victim also had a right to be where he was], he had no duty to retreat [stalking is absolutely permitted!] and had the right to stand his ground [get in the other guy’s face] and meet force with force, including [blowing Trayvon Martin away] if he reasonably believed [being the racist that he is] that it was necessary to do so to prevent death or [to avoid being bitch-slapped by a terrified unarmed black boy].

In considering the issue of self defense you may take into consideration the relative physical abilities and capabilities of George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin [including the fact that Zimmerman has a big fat ass and needs a gun to even the playing field against what he perceived to be a nimble hoodie who had probably been shooting hoops near some dope-riddled public housing project since he was about three years old].

If in your consideration of the issue of self-defense you have a reasonable doubt on the question of whether [as an out-of-shape white woman you would be afraid if you saw a young black male roaming your neighborhood] you should find George Zimmerman not guilty [because projecting your fears onto him is completely appropriate given the big screaming gun-toting pussy that he is].

Cucci Coo

by gordita

Notwithstanding the Supreme Court’s landmark decision in Lawrence v. Texas striking down Texas’ and other states’ sodomy laws, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli is adamant that Virginia’s sodomy law is still needed to protect the morals of the citizens.

Cuccinelli

Ken “the Cootch” Cuccinelli

This has led to an interesting mesh of laws.  It is not a felony in Virginia to have sexual intercourse with a consenting minor over the age of 15. However, as Cuccinelli construes the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law, it is a felony to commit sodomy with any person under 18.*

But there is more. In Virginia, it is a felony to solicit someone to commit a felony.   So when 47-year-old Scott McDonald asked a 17-year-old female to give him oral sex (a felonious act of sodomy, according to Cuccinelli), he ran afoul of the state solicitation law. McDonald could have had intercourse with the seventeen-year-old without a problem (given that state laws making fornication punishable by a $250 fine are unenforced). But just talking with the young woman about a blow job landed him in jail and on the state’s sex offender registry.

CuccinelliPoster

Horrors!

“How does this make sense?” I ask.

“The rules in Virginia are simple and easy to follow. If you ask a minor to gobble the goop, do the loop-de-loop, do a lickety split, or let you take a trip up Bosco Boulevard, you will do time.”

“But if you actually HAVE sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old, it’s okay.”

“Yes.”

“Is group sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old okay too?” I ask.

“The state has no problem with a coochie-coo choo-choo…just keep the train out of the fudge tunnel…and don’t go to the dining car.”

fudge

No Tunnel of Fudge cake allowed in the Cuccinelli household

“Mr. Cuccinelli, all of this still sounds confusing to me. Let’s try some verbal role play. I’ll be your wife.”

“OK.  Call me Cooch.  That’s  my wife’s pet name for me.”

“Oh Cooch, I really need it.  I am aching for you, baby.”

“That is way too forward, gordita.  My wife would never say those things to me.”

“OK.  Let me try again. Ummm.  I took my temperature, honey, and I think I’m ovulating.”

“Really?  Have you been cleared by your doctor to have sex?”

“Yes, honey, I just had my six-week post-natal check-up and the doctor says I’m ready to start trying for baby number eight.”

“Hubba hubba!  Let’s do it!”

Huhhhhh.  Mmmmmm.  Rustle rustle. Huhh.

“Cooch.  Are you in yet?  I can’t feel you.”

Huh huh ahhhhhhhhhh.  “Let’s pray now.”

“Pray!!!!  That was it? Are you kidding me?”

Our Father who art in heaven….

“Wait just a cotton-picking minute, Cooch! That was the sorriest coochie coo I have ever had in my life!”

“It’s the only kind of coochie coo you have ever had, honey.  We were both pure on our wedding day. Remember?”

PurityRing

“Oh. Errrr. Right. Well, in that case, I read an article about female sexual pleasure and I have to say I didn’t feel anything remotely close to what the article described. I want to try something new.”

“What exactly are you suggesting, honey? And mind you, don’t forget about Virginia’s felony solicitation laws.”

“What? You mean if I ask for you-know-what you will arrest me?”

“Darn straight I will. The Virginia sodomy law is still on the books.”

CuccinelliLaw

If Mrs. Cuccinelli asks for “you-know-what” this guy is standing by to take her in

“You’re BUSTED, Cooch!!!!!!!!!!  The only reason you are prosecuting that McDonald guy is because you don’t want to do sh*t for me in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, watch your language.  What has gotten into you?”

“Nothing has gotten into me!  You have a one-inch ding-a-ling!  I have had better sex going solo down a water slide!!!!!!!!!!”

ruler

True to scale

“Honey…..”

“Don’t honey me. I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. There is something that might give you some relief.”

“What is it?”

“Well…uh…let’s just say it’s something that pisses off Cecile Richards and is deeply pleasing to the Lord.”

“Wow. What could it be?”

TransvaginalProbe

Please tell me it vibrates

____

*Cuccinelli also insists it is wrong to have sodomy with a person over 18 and has resisted all attempts by the legislature to limit the effect of the law to children, rape, prostitution, and public indecency.

ALEC Executives Declare Open Season

by gordita

The American Legislative Exchange Counsel (ALEC) believes it has scored a big victory for sportsmen everywhere after a Florida jury’s return of a “Not Guilty” verdict in the trial of Trayvon Martin’s killer, George Zimmerman.

ALEC , a corporate sponsored organization that writes legislation and works with legislators to get it passed, wrote Florida’s Stand Your Ground law. At a victory party on Sunday night, ALEC’s president, Kilmore Bucks, explained the significance of Zimmerman’s acquittal.

“It used to be that ordinary suburban folk like Zimmerman had to be content with shooting cans with BB guns in their back yard.  Now they can hunt and kill Afri-cans right out in the open.”

I flinch.

“Do you have any idea how big a deal this is for hunters? I mean…how many of us can go to a remote place like N*ggerhead when we need to shoot something? Most of us have to go to work at our job in the city the next morning, for Crissakes.”

Broun

Kilmore Bucks showing off trophy wall

I am swirling a glass of Chardonnay with a horrified look on my face while I listen to this capullo. He blathers on.

“With the Zimmerman verdict, ALEC can now proudly take credit for opening up vast new suburban hunting areas for American sportsmen.  And sportswomen too.  We do not discriminate on the basis of gender.  No sirree.”

PalinHunt

I take a gulp of wine “I am not sure I am following you, Mr. Bucks. You’re joking, right?”

“Kilmore, please.”

“I am not sure I am following you, Kilmore.”

“Well, I am not the one you need to follow, little lady. The people you should be following are outside this room, if you catch my drift.”

Martin

I look around me.  I am the brownest person at the party.

“Jesus Christ, Kilmore! What is ALEC???  The KKK?????”

“Tchh tchh, gordita. You just don’t get it, do you?”

“No, I don’t!!!!!  Explain it to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“There is nothing to explain, gordita. We at ALEC are the Republican Party leadership and George Zimmerman is our base. If someone in our base wants to pop an Afri-can, we’re here to say, Freedom rocks!”

“Freedom rocks????? You call what Zimmerman did freedom? And what about women’s freedom, pindejo? ALEC is in bed with the AUL which is drafting all the anti-choice laws being pushed through state legislatures right now!”

“How good is the hunting if the herd is depleted?”

Madre de Dios! I start to back away.  I am looking for a clear path to the exit. It feels like firecrackers are going off in my chest. I am not sure I will make it out of this party alive.

“Relax,” says Kilmore. An easy grin spreads across his face. “You’re a doe. We keep you around to buy the face cream and baby diapers.”

Doe

This poor white-tail doe did not buy enough product

Rand Paul Kicks Nathan Deal in the Nuts

by gordita

...

Energized by what Republicans are calling an epic appearance at Howard University, 2016 Presidential hopeful Rand Paul was dismayed to hear that Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is characterizing a grass-roots protest against all-white high school proms as Democratic rabble-rousing. So dismayed was he, in fact, that he kicked the governor in the nuts.

[Re-enactment of what Senator Paul did to Governor Deal’s nuts.]

“The record is abundantly clear,” said Paul, “Democrats stand for Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes…you name it.  They are the bane of the Negro race. Long story short, Nathan Deal got his bacts fackward so I kicked him in the nuts.  Or, since there could be ladies present, maybe I should say I nicked him in the kucks. Ha ha ha ha.

“I’m a lady, Senator Paul.”

“Not according to what I’ve heard, gordita. Ha ha ha.”

“Moving right along, Senator. Do you have any examples of Democrats actually hurting blacks? I thought that was pretty much a Republican past time.”

“You mean other than the Democrats’ soft bigotry of low expectations? Sure. Take for example, this statement by a prominent Democratic governor:

And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that theres not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.

“Honestly, gordita, have you ever heard anything more racist and disgusting in your whole life? Well, have you?”

“Senator, that was a statement in 1948 by the late Strom Thurmond, a long-time Republican.”

...

“WRONG, gordita. Strom Thurmond did not become a Republican until 1964! The Democrats own him!”

“And I suppose we Democrats also own Jesse Helms, another racist Dixiecrat who became a Republican?”

...

“Damn straight, gordita.”

“So do we own all of your racist assholes?”

“You bet, gordita. Because every single one of them either used to be a Democrat or certainly would have been a Democrat if he had been around during the Jim Crow era.”

“I’m having some problems with that statement, Senator. But maybe this is a good time for you to explain what your problem is with Democrat-turned-Republican, Nathan Deal. You say you kicked him in the nuts?”

“I did. And after what I did to his manhood, people are going to be calling him Nathan Squeal. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Can you tell us why you did that?”

“Because, gordita, he’s a racist Democrat who is not giving proper credit to Republicans who are the true friends of the colored folk.”

“Deal is a racist Republican asshole who has done nothing to stop Georgia’s segregated proms. The people in Georgia who are fighting segregation are all Democrats. So it sounds like you have all your bacts fackward. Or maybe I should talk like a normal person and say facts backward.”

“Gordita, you can talk like a normal person all you want but it still does not change the fact that Jim Crow was invented by Democrats. And that’s why every black with valid picture ID who can get his lazy ass to the polls should vote Republican.”

“Senator, isn’t it a fair statement that a majority of the white racist pigs in the Democratic Party waddled into the Republican barnyard at least 20 years ago and have been as happy there as hogs in slop? Can we agree to that?”

“I’m not going to agree to that, gordita. ‘Cause if I did I would have to kick myself where I kicked Governor Squeal.  And I am not about to do that because I need cojones to talk to rooms full of black people…and because ….”

[My name is Rand Paul and I approve this message.]

Rick Perry Comes Clean About Tragic Mix-Up

by gordita

jesus_is_coming

For the forty percent of you Americans who think Jesus will return by 2050, Governor Rick Perry of Texas has some terrible news for you. Jesus already came…and Texas mistakenly executed him.

I fucked up

I f*cked up

Until last week, Governor Perry was fiercely proud of his record as the governor with the greatest number of executions.  “Two hundred fifty-three is a kill number I could write home about…until I found out that one of those was Jesus. Now I can only write home about 252,” said a contrite Governor Perry.

“But you already knew the guy you executed was Jesus.   It said on the warrant that that was his name,” I countered.

“Yeah, but that Jesus looked like a Mexican.  He had black hair and black eyes. How was I supposed to know that Mexican-looking guy was the real Jesus? The real Jesus had blue eyes, for Christ’s sake.”

This is the guy we were looking for!

This is the guy we thought was coming back

“Er…Jesus almost certainly did not have blue eyes. He was a Jew. He had dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair, just like Middle Eastern Jews today.”

“Damn!”

“Governor, can you tell us what Jesus was executed for?”

“What was Jesus executed for? What is anybody executed for? Murder. Or taking part in a felony where somebody got killed.”

“Yes, but what was it exactly that Jesus did?”

“He went into this church in Lubbock that was having a God, Guns, and the Gospel Celebration and he got all agitated and started turning over Christian Book Fair tables where they were selling this terrific book called, The Persecution of Sarah Palin. He started saying filthy things like, God damn America! and the next thing you know, somebody pulled out a gun to try and stop him and the youth minister BJ got accidentally shot in the chest. It was a terrible terrible tragedy. And would never have happened if ….”

BJ gave it to God

BJ went with God…and with countless little boys in the Youth Group

“BJ would not have been shot if Jesus had not lost his temper and started turning over tables?”

“Damn right. Jesus had no business getting pissy with good church-going people in Lubbock. He should have been smiting the feminists and homos. If he had kept his eyes blue and focused on doing the Lord’s work there wouldn’t have been a mix-up.”

Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos

Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos

“I see. So what exactly was the felony you pinned on Jesus?”

“Huh?”

“There has to be an underlying felony conviction in a felony murder case. What was the felony?”

“Oh. Interfering with a person’s right to bear arms. And malicious slander of a Christian. He said a few things about BJ that were not very nice.”

“Those aren’t the sorts of offenses that give rise to felony murder! It has to be something like rape or kidnapping!”

“Well, he could have appealed the conviction if he had wanted to.”

“He didn’t fight what was clearly an unlawful conviction?”

jesus home

“Naw, he kept saying that he was sick of sacrificing himself for morons and he just wanted to go the f*ck home.  He said God needed to find another patsy ’cause he was f*cking done.”

“Those words didn’t give you a hint that he was Jesus? He as much as told you who he was and you killed him, man. You must feel terrible.”

“Yeah maybe, but, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing I am forgiven.”

redeemed-and-forgiven

“I’ve got news for you, Governor. Jesus is done with us. Forgiven doesn’t mean squat now. We are on our own.”

Save it. Jesus has checked out.

Sorry, dude

Sorry about your back, dude

Have at it. Jesus doesn't care anymore.

Have at it. Jesus doesn’t care anymore.

Gene Hancock–Rich, Religious…Ahem…Lover of Children, Finally Dies

This is the one article you might read on SPB that is not a spoof. It is the truth.  Eugene V. Hancock of Scottsdale and Phoenix, AZ–who died November 28, 2012, at age 92–was known in the community as an upstanding, god-loving man. He was, in fact, among the lowest orders of human beings who ever lived. A remorseless serial pedophile, he molested his own niece who committed suicide. While his wife was alive, she catered to his criminal proclivities, going so far as to procure girls for him from a children’s home (under false pretenses, of course).

Gene Hancock’s shameful life did not end with abusing children. A brazen coward, he evaded service during World War II by showing up at his physical wearing lacy pink panties. He covered his shame among friends, neighbors, and colleagues by telling the story that he had health problems that kept him from passing the physical.

There. The truth is out. May his depraved f*cked-up soul rest in peace.