Alone in Indi Ana’s bathroom, Mike looked with delight at the blood that dare not speak its name. He lowered his nose to sniff.
Indi opened the bathroom door. Catching him in the act AGAIN, she scowled. “I told you, I don’t like you nosing around in my trashcan!”
Mike jabbed his finger at her. “Darn it, Indi. I can’t hide what I feel! What I NEED! Not anymore!”
Indi gazed into Mike’s soft brown hound-dog eyes. Tears bulged on his lacrimal caruncles. “How long have you been paddling the red river?” she asked softly.
“Oh Indi,” gushed Mike. “I’ve been doing it so long, I don’t remember how long. I am so ashamed. I feel so alone.”
Indi’s mood swung like a wrecking ball. Her eyes lit up like fire. “Stop whimpering, Mike. You’re Governor! If you wanted, you could OWN the red river!”
The next morning, the Governor pounded his fist on his desk. “Gosh darn it! Indi is right!” He called in his most trusted flunkie, a man with a Pornhub addiction and a bumper sticker on his car that said “I LOVE MY WIFE.”
“Find a way to get me into the tampon tunnel. Legally,” ordered Mike.
And so it was that Mike turned the secret shame of menophilia into a deep and probing official interest in women’s…health.
The backlash was fierce but Mike expected that from the godless liberals. What he did not expect was a twitter account by a rabble-rousing Indiana hussie called #PeriodsforPence. As he read the tweets, he began to see red; then his knees went weak and wobbly. “How can I get this AWESOME site to go national?” he wondered.
Suddenly, a smile flashed across his face. Dialing Trump’s cell phone, he silently pleaded, Please answer. Please answer. Please answer.
Trump answered on the fourth ring, “What can I do for you, Mike?”
THANK GAWD!!!!! thought Mike.
“Donald! How are you?”
“I’ve got a real hottie coming to give me an in-room massage. I gotta tell you, Mike, she looks a little like your daughter but with way bigger ….”
“That’s super, Donald. The reason I called …. Um, you know that VP position I turned down a few months ago?”
The rest, my friends, is history.