Texas Junior Senator, Ted Cruz, came out today and admitted what pretty much everyone else already knew: He is ugly. But not just plain ugly but downright “fugly” which is short for “fucking ugly” says Cruz’s 4th grade teacher, Gladys Horney.
“Teddy was always fucking ugly…even in fourth grade,” said Ms. Horney, now retired. “Someone once remarked that poor Teddy must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch and twig on the way down. We always hoped he would grow out of it but, instead, he just got uglier and now he’s just a fucking ugly man. All of us are just happy Teddy finally came to his senses and came out. Perhaps now he can live in fucking ugly peace as a free, ugly American.”
“We’re proud of Senator Cruz,” said fellow Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky who came out of the ugly closet in 1998.
“I know how hard it is to live a life of secrets and lies,” said McConnell, a member of the “All-Ugly Hall of Fame of Ugly Politicians”. “I can tell you this: it’s hard at first to admit you’re fucking ugly….but the truth will set you free…do you hear me Ted? The truth will set you free.”
“It is tough at first, said Ugly Hall of Fame member, actor Clint Howard. “But it gets easier.”
“I agree,” said rock star Steven Tyler of Aerosmith who is another Ugly Hall of Fame member. “Personally I hate Ted Cruz….but I’m happy to see he’s decided it’s better to be free and ugly than ugly in secret.”
“Ted Cruz has classic ugly features,” said ugly people expert, Morton Downey who has advised ugly people for more than three decades and has helped other ugly people people like former Congressman, Tom Delay, Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia, and Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas come out of the closet.
“Notice Senator Cruz’s fish lips which have, over the years, gotten thinner and thinner,” said Downey. “Additionally, Senator Cruz has no chin…a classic feature of the fuglyist people in the annals of fugly. And notice the eyes which are beady and soulless, the hair….slicked back with Vitalis, and his teeth which are small and sharp….like a Piranha. In fact, I believe I could best describe Senator Cruz’s looks as that of a perch….or perhaps a large sea bass.”
“But most of all, let’s not forget his pussy face,” said Downey. If it were not for Senator Cruz’s deep-rooted, disingenuous, extreme religiosity I believe the Senator would be perhaps only ugly and not fugly. I only hope that Senator Cruz’s coming out will inspire others like Texas Congressmen Randy Nugenbauer and Blake Farenthold to come out as well. “
‘Despite Senator Cruz’s recent coming out, he still has a long way to go before he can truly be free,” said spokespersons for the groups “Society of White, Male Assholes” and “The Club for Men Who Look Like Pedophiles but May or May Not Be One.” The spokesmen said they hope Cruz takes his rightful place in their groups over time.
“One step at a time,” said one of the spokesmen who asked to remain anonymous. “When he’s ready, we’re here for him.”