There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..
“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”
Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…
Maple Street Residents:
The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family, The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.
Sarah: “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”
Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”
“What is it Piper?”
“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”
Sarah: “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”
Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”
Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking. You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.
Todd Palin: “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood. Over my dead body! This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”
Tommy: “But my dad says…..never mind….”
By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street. “What Tommy? What does your dad say?”
Tommy: “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”
Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy! HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”
“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?” “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”
“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…
Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”
Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”
Roberts: “Fuck you Todd. You’re one to talk. Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”
Palin: “That’s bullshit. Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”
Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”
Michele: “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”
John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”
Rick Perry: “Well I can personally vouch for John. He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”
Scalia: “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!? I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick? Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”
Rick Perry: “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”
Alito: “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth. I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”
((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank? The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be a man. So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”
“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense. “Why are we at each others throats. Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one. If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”
“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”
“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”
((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.
“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito. “We’ll start with Scalia.”
“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”
“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry. “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”
“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one. Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”
“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”
“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”
“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”
“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito. “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”
((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))
“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts. “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”
“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.
“Well look around you….who’s missing? I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”
((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!
Tommy: “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”
John Roberts: “What is it Tommy? Shut up everyone!”
Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”
“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”
“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.
….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”
“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.
“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin. “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”
“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.
“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”
“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin. There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”
“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it. Perry, are you armed?”
“Always,” said Rick Perry.
Scalia: “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”
Scalia: “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”
((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.
Perry: “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”
Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.
Scalia: “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”
Alito: “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”
Sarah Palin: “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”
Perry: “You told me to. What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”
Michele Bachmann: “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog. Why is that Rick?”
Todd Palin: “Yea, why is that Rick? Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”
Rick Perry: “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”
“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”
“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.
“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.
“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito. “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”
“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry
“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”
((GET HIM!!!))) ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)
((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))
((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!
….meanwhile, atop the hill that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth. They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…
Xoxdox: Very good work Zodox. It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves. How did you do it?
Zodox: It was easy. I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”. It is also there that they do something called “praying.”
Xoxdox: “What is “praying” Zodox?”
Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”
Xoxdox: What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?
Zodox: “It said: “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”
Xoxdox: “And that was it??”
Zodox: “That was it”
Xoxdox: “You’re a genius Xoxdox”
Zodox: “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings. There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth. We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))
Xoxdox: “I love you Zodox.”
Zodox: “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”
….as chaos ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet. There, sit two creatures not from this earth. They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.
Note by Editor: Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”