Welcome to this week’s edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes, a weekly profile on someone who, this week, this year, or perhaps for all eternity, no one would want to trade places with for all the money and fame, or infamy, in the world.
This week we’re on location on the Washington D.C. Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial as ten’s of thousands of people are here as well to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s I Have a Dream speech made on this very spot in 1963.
Without further ado, our unanimous selection for this edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes is George Zimmerman, the Florida neighborhood watch guy who killed teenager Trayvon Martin in cold blood and recently was found not guilty….which is why we are here, at this special place, for this momentous occasion. All indicators point to Zimmerman now being intrinsically linked to the most iconic leader in American history….and not linked in a good way but as the poster boy for everything that has NOT made The Dream a dream at all….but a nightmare.
All around us, in the midst of a celebratory mood, we see signs of Zimmerman. There are people everywhere wearing Zimmerman t-shirts with a big, red Ghostbusters slash through his face. There are vendors selling by the thousands everything from mini dartboards with Zimmerman’s picture as the bulls eye, to rolls of toilet paper with his picture on every sheet.
Joining me are five experts on infamy to discuss who in hell would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes. Please welcome Jeff Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Judas, and George W. Bush. Gentleman let me quickly go around the table and ask each of you, if you could trade your infamous, criminal, and genocidal lives and your infamous place in history right now with George Zimmerman, would you do it?
Well then, it seems unanimous. None of you would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes. Can you elaborate? Adolf….you first.
Hitler: “Well, sure I may have been responsible for the near annihilation of an entire race of people….but then I got mine. Cyanide, a bullet, a fire, and now hell. If I had gotten away and Mossad was hunting down my ass we might be having a different conversation right now. But as it stands, I would not be him for anything.”
Ted Bundy: “Adolf is right. It’s okay if I call you Adolf…right?”
Hitler: “Sure, you can even call me Adi if you want.”
Bundy: “What Adi says is true. Take me for example. I may have brutally killed countless women in Washington and Florida but Zimmerman is now so associated with icons has become an icon himself. The way people are feeling right now, he may as well have mowed down Rosa Parks. Besides, he is an ugly son of a bitch. Even his own mother thinks he is a screaming pussy.”
Bush: “I have to agree. Infamy is relative in my opinion….at least when it comes to me. In a few years stupid Americans will have totally forgotten that I waged an illegal war that ended up bankrupting the U.S. and killing tens of thousands of people. At least I’ll never be linked to anyone famous or iconic. I mean, how would you like it if every time Dr. King’s name or anniversary or something came up someone linked YOUR name to it as well….and not in a GOOD way.”
Dahmer: “I wouldn’t like it….that’s for sure. Personally I’d rather be dead. Well, I AM dead….but that’s a subject for another day. The point is, no one even knows who I am anymore in spite of the fact that I committed some of the most heinous crimes in American history. It’s one thing to rape, kill, dismember, and eat teenage boys by the dozens but at least my name is not George Zimmerman.”
“What about you Judas? You certainly could be accused of being associated with fucking over someone iconic, right?”
Judas: “Well if I knew then what I know now, that Jesus was going to be so famous and revered, maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to fuck him over. On the other hand, who knew? Back then Jesus was nothing but a fucking bum. I was just giving up a bum….that’s all. Least that’s the way I see it.”
And there you have it from the experts on infamy. There’s a consensus that the worst person to be now, and perhaps ever, is George Zimmerman. From this point forward, whenever the name of iconic figure Dr. King is broached everyone will automatically think of the disgusting fat, pudgy figure of George Zimmerman…much like they think of genocide with Hitler, serial killer with Bundy, cannibalism with Dahmer, and stupid with George W. Bush.
Gentleman, thank you for being with us. And thank YOU, our viewers, for tuning into to another edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes.