With a giant banner behind him proclaiming “Misija Atlikti” which, in English means “Mission Accomplished”, Ed Snowden was greeted and cheered by more than a million freedom-loving Russian Libertarians who crowded into Red Square to officially welcome Snowden to the real Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.
Snowden, who has been stranded in Moscow’s airport the last two months as a man without a country was granted asylum and can now look forward to a life in the freest nation on earth.
(((FREEDOM FREEDOM!!!! SNOWDEN SNOWDEN!!!! FREEDOM FREEDOM EDDIE EDDIE!!!!)))), came the deafening roar from the crowd as they drenched Snowden with exuberance and freedom like he’s never experienced before.”
“I’m happy to be here!!” shouted Snowden. “THREE CHEERS FOR FREEDOM!!!”
((HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!)))), let out the crowd.
“I’m just glad I’m out of that Novotel,” Snowden said.
“The mattress was hard, the turn down service sucked….and they never replenished the mini-bar with my FAVORITE VODKA !!!”
(((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!! screamed the appreciative crowd.
“Hey, here’s a good one: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks? As soon as they learn how to drive ’em, they are going to INVADE RUSSIA!!!!”
((((HARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR))))!!!!! roared the burgeoning crowd.
(((EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE))))!!!!
“This was a natural place for Eddie to be, said Kremlin spokesman, Ivan Itchinanus. “We believe in freedom here and everyone is free to do whatever he or she wants, whenever, wherever, and however they want. Why if I decided to go right now and dance naked around the National Basilica I could just do it and no one would do or say anything.”
However, the very idea of a fat, disgusting, pasty-white, former high-ranking member of the KGB dancing around naked in Red Square caused Itchinanus to dispense with this idea immediately.
On stage with Snowden was Russian President Vladimir Putin whose freedom mastery orchestrated Snowden’s return to freedom. “The Freedom Purge”, as it’s being called, is being hailed around the world as the greatest act of freedom since President Lincoln freed the slaves.
“I hereby declare this day as ED SNOWDEN DAY!!!, shouted Putin.
“But remember my fellow freedom-loving citizens. As we welcome Eddie amongst us, I remind you that you are free to do whatever you want…anytime you want. If you want to celebrate Ed Snowden day tomorrow….or even the next day…or the next….OR EVERY DAY THIS YEAR and EVERY OTHER YEAR…you’re free to do JUST THAT!!!!!”
Snowden will now blend into the 95.7 percent of the population of Russian that describe themselves as Libertarians and are allowed to come and go as they please and pretty much do anything they want whenever they want to. The remaining 4.3 percent of the population is made up of expatriate Amerikiečian’s who don’t believe in freedom.
“Those outcasts are welcome to live here in freedom,” said Putin. But we don’t really like them….and we sure don’t respect them. But because we believe in freedom they, too, can come and go as they please.”
“But enough about them. We’re here to honor Eddie. Eddie is now a free man,” Putin said before being drowned out by Russian country and western star, Ubin Yakinoff who had taken the stage and begun to sing his version of the great Lee Greenwood standard:
♫”And I’m proud Eddie’s not an Amerikan, cause at least I know he’s free… And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me….And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today…. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land…….God bless the USSR!!!!!”♫