Celebrity Atheists

Adam Corolla, Patton Oswalt, Bill Maher, Woody Allen, God, Ricky Gervais, Barry Manilow, Rob Reiner, and Seth McFarlane are just a few of the famous people who made this year’s Celebrity Atheist List.

American Atheist Curator, Eric Shun, said this year’s addition of so many comedians make the overall list the most varied in U.S. history.

Atheist curator, Eric Shun

Atheist curator, Eric Shun

“No one expected Patton Oswalt (of King of Queens fame) to be a non-believer,” said Shun.  “He just looks like a believer.”

Non believer, Oswalt, clowns around with a knife

Non believer, Oswalt, clowns around with a knife

God making the 2013 list was a surprise to many.

“I was surprised because most everyone on this year’s list, besides Barry Manilow, is a comedian,” said Shun.  “Everyone knows that most comedians are atheists. And, likewise, everyone knows that God was no comedian.  On the other hand….maybe there are things we DIDN’T know about God.”

Which begs the question….Is it possible God was a comedian?

“Doubtful,” said God expert O. Howie Dickter.  “I’ve never heard or read about anything God did that was considered funny.”

O. Howie Dickter

O. Howie Dickter

Others were not as surprised to learn that God didn’t believe in God.

“Many people have suspected that God didn’t believe in God even before God existed,” said Dickter of the The Philosophy of God Institute in Washington D.C.   “After all, there’s clear evidence that shows God not only did not create the heavens and earth, but he pretty much just stood around while all of it was going on to include the oceans and the rest of the shit that was created.”

Curator Shun said God was reportedly nothing more than a drunkard living in a disheveled state in what is now known as Kansas.

“In today’s times, God would have been known as the town drunk if there HAD been towns and if there HAD been people.  But they had not  been created yet.”

Residents of Kansas, 99.7 percent of who are Christians, were not unexpectedly stunned….

“I don’t believe it now and I’ll never believe it,” said Kansas Christian, Dean Gil Barry of Topeka.  “It just can’t be true.  How in God’s name can Barry Manilow be an atheist? My wife Bonnie and I just saw him in concert last month at the Topeka Palladium.  There’s no way the guy I saw sing Copacabana could not believe in God…..no way,” said Gil Berry in an obvious state of angst mixed with denial.

Dean Gil Berry of Topeka, Kansas

Dean Gil Berry of Topeka, Kansas

Yet former A & M records executive, Saul Rothstein, says that long ago he discovered that when you reverse play the 1974 #1 smash hit “Mandy” on a conventional turntable, the words played backwards clearly say “God doesn’t exist and even if he did he’d be a piece of shit.”

Atheist?  It just can't be...

Atheist? It just can’t be…

When asked about this, Manilow declined to comment except to say “Mandy” sold six million copies in the U.S. and Germany alone which should speak for itself.

Asked if he remembers the exact day he became an atheist, Manilow said,

♫”I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into

Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well you came and you gave without taking
And I need you today, oh Mandy….♫

As for God, Gil Berry of Topeka said he still believes in God even though God doesn’t believe in God.

“This is America….the land of freedom where people have the right to worship as they choose….and God has the right to believe in anything he wants.”

Eric Shun, the Atheist curator, says that, besides Manilow, this year’s list consisted of so many comedians that it must mean that God’s true calling was to be a comedian instead of being God.

“He was likely God the comedian and not God the God.  But we may never know for sure,” said Shun.

Which means it’s entirely possible that the last few thousand years, the billions of stupid, fucking Americans who believe in God was really nothing more than one big comedy act.

One big comedy act

One big comedy act

“There’s no other way to explain it,” Shun said.  “No other way.”


5 responses to “Celebrity Atheists

  1. thatsitfortheotherwon

    Who would name their kid Mandy?

    Just sayin…

    • a lot of people actually. If you were to do a poll you would likely find that 100 % of people in the U.S. named Mandy were born between 1974-76

      • LOL! Great article, Southpaw.

      • thatsitfortheotherwon

        You have a valid point there…

        But I meant before the dulcet tones of Barry Manischewitz.

        • ah. then who the fuck knows why someone would ever name their kid Mandy? And for that matter, who the fuck would ever sing about someone named Mandy except for a sap…that sap being Barry Manilow (aka Manischewitz)?

          About the only group I could name would be the almost equally sappy Beach Boys in their sappy days sans Brian Wilson.

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