Notwithstanding the Supreme Court’s landmark decision in Lawrence v. Texas striking down Texas’ and other states’ sodomy laws, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli is adamant that Virginia’s sodomy law is still needed to protect the morals of the citizens.
This has led to an interesting mesh of laws. It is not a felony in Virginia to have sexual intercourse with a consenting minor over the age of 15. However, as Cuccinelli construes the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law, it is a felony to commit sodomy with any person under 18.*
But there is more. In Virginia, it is a felony to solicit someone to commit a felony. So when 47-year-old Scott McDonald asked a 17-year-old female to give him oral sex (a felonious act of sodomy, according to Cuccinelli), he ran afoul of the state solicitation law. McDonald could have had intercourse with the seventeen-year-old without a problem (given that state laws making fornication punishable by a $250 fine are unenforced). But just talking with the young woman about a blow job landed him in jail and on the state’s sex offender registry.
“How does this make sense?” I ask.
“The rules in Virginia are simple and easy to follow. If you ask a minor to gobble the goop, do the loop-de-loop, do a lickety split, or let you take a trip up Bosco Boulevard, you will do time.”
“But if you actually HAVE sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old, it’s okay.”
“Is group sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old okay too?” I ask.
“The state has no problem with a coochie-coo choo-choo…just keep the train out of the fudge tunnel…and don’t go to the dining car.”
“Mr. Cuccinelli, all of this still sounds confusing to me. Let’s try some verbal role play. I’ll be your wife.”
“OK. Call me Cooch. That’s my wife’s pet name for me.”
“Oh Cooch, I really need it. I am aching for you, baby.”
“That is way too forward, gordita. My wife would never say those things to me.”
“OK. Let me try again. Ummm. I took my temperature, honey, and I think I’m ovulating.”
“Really? Have you been cleared by your doctor to have sex?”
“Yes, honey, I just had my six-week post-natal check-up and the doctor says I’m ready to start trying for baby number eight.”
“Hubba hubba! Let’s do it!”
Huhhhhh. Mmmmmm. Rustle rustle. Huhh.
“Cooch. Are you in yet? I can’t feel you.”
Huh huh ahhhhhhhhhh. “Let’s pray now.”
“Pray!!!! That was it? Are you kidding me?”
Our Father who art in heaven….
“Wait just a cotton-picking minute, Cooch! That was the sorriest coochie coo I have ever had in my life!”
“It’s the only kind of coochie coo you have ever had, honey. We were both pure on our wedding day. Remember?”
“Oh. Errrr. Right. Well, in that case, I read an article about female sexual pleasure and I have to say I didn’t feel anything remotely close to what the article described. I want to try something new.”
“What exactly are you suggesting, honey? And mind you, don’t forget about Virginia’s felony solicitation laws.”
“What? You mean if I ask for you-know-what you will arrest me?”
“Darn straight I will. The Virginia sodomy law is still on the books.”
“You’re BUSTED, Cooch!!!!!!!!!! The only reason you are prosecuting that McDonald guy is because you don’t want to do sh*t for me in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Honey, watch your language. What has gotten into you?”
“Nothing has gotten into me! You have a one-inch ding-a-ling! I have had better sex going solo down a water slide!!!!!!!!!!”
“Don’t honey me. I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. There is something that might give you some relief.”
“What is it?”
“Well…uh…let’s just say it’s something that pisses off Cecile Richards and is deeply pleasing to the Lord.”
“Wow. What could it be?”
*Cuccinelli also insists it is wrong to have sodomy with a person over 18 and has resisted all attempts by the legislature to limit the effect of the law to children, rape, prostitution, and public indecency.