No, not THAT kind of subway…..but a Subway Restaurant in the Transit area of the Moscow Airport where Ed Snowden has been working as assistant manager since arriving from Hong Kong.
“Eddie makes a mean meatball marinara….the best I’ve ever had,” said manager Igor Kutchacockoff. “And he’s fast….faster than any sandwich maker I’ve ever seen which is why we started calling him Fast Eddie.”
A few famous people have even come around to see what the fuss is all about.
“President Putin surprised us all the other day when he just comes out of nowhere….like a spy or something….and orders one of Eddie’s meatball marinara’s,” said Kutchacockoff. “He was so impressed that the next thing I know he and about three big guys with dark sunglasses are all back in my office with the doors closed with a bunch of laptops and stuff. They told me they wanted Eddie to teach them how to make sandwiches the way that he does. They were back there for almost six hours which seems like a long time to teach someone how to make a sandwich….but Eddie’s the man.”
“Fast Eddie” Snowden’s miraculous turn-a-around from most wanted man in the Universe to best foot-long sandwich maker this side of the Ural Mountains began no sooner than his arrival to the Moscow Airport.
“It so happened that the first place Snowden stopped was OUR Subway shop,” Kutchacockoff said proudly. “And he ordered a Chicken Teriyaki…. but then started bitching about the way the sandwich was made. Apparently one of our newer guys, Ivan Fucinoff, accidentally put SWEET peppers on his sandwich instead of hot peppers and Eddie started bitching him out. Next thing I know, he’s behind the goddamn counter whipping out foot-longs and slapping together ingredients like I’ve never seen before showing the entire crew how to do it. They all just stood there mesmerized. So I just fired Fuckinoff on the spot and hired Eddie as a crew member. A week later, he’s my assistant manager. Let me tell you, this guy’s going places.”
But apparently not TOO many places since Snowden, without a workable passport, is marooned indefinitely in the no-man’s land of Moscow Airport’s transit zone….which is fine with Manager Kutchacockoff.
“Eddie will have his own Subway franchise someday,” said Kutchacockoff. “You can bet on it.”
Kutchacockoff, however, does have one problem with Snowden.
“I can’t keep him from giving away our secret sandwich ingredients,” he said. “Eddie tells every one of our customers what’s REALLY in the sandwiches they’re eating and I can’t get him to stop. He told some guy who ordered a tuna foot-long today that he had a better chance of finding a Russian who didn’t drink vodka than finding tuna in his sandwich,” which Kutchacockoff admitted is 99 % carp and Alaskan Pollack.
“I’d tell you what’s in the meatballs of Eddie’s specialty, the meatball marinara,” said Kutchacockoff…..”but you don’t want to know.”
A spokesperson for the Kremlin said today that President Putin will allow Snowden to stay assistant manager of the airport Subway so long as he stops giving away their secrets.
“President Putin doesn’t want Mr. Snowden to further damage Russia’s relations with Subway,” said the spokesperson.
Kutchacockoff said he can’t get Snowden to stop giving away his secrets but it doesn’t seem to matter anyway.
“Russians are like Americans,” he said. “You put enough cheap cheese and sauce on something, then people will eat anything.”