In an unprecedented move of historic proportions, Edward Snowden was fired today from the National Security Agency where he was employed for three months.
“It’s extremely unusual for an employee of Mr. Snowden’s stature, capability, and tenure to be fired,” said former NSA Chief, General Michael Hayden. “It’s both perplexing and disturbing and makes me wonder if the agency, and other government agencies for that matter, will soon just begin firing people indiscriminately. I can tell you this, that if I was still in charge, Ed would be down the hallway right this minute in his cubicle doing I.T. work and it would be business as usual.”
“Of course I’m stunned,” said Snowden, who was reached at an undisclosed location. “I was a great and dedicated employee the entire three months I worked at the NSA and I was only late a half dozen times all of which had to do with fucking Honolulu traffic (where Snowden worked and lived) which is getting shittier every day by the way most of which is because of the goddamn construction they’ve been doing forever over on I-78 right over close to where I used to work. So if you you want to blame it on anything, blame it on the traffic.”
“Anyway, when I heard on the news today that I had been fired I was surprised….and then I was pissed,” added Snowden. “I mean, what the fuck does someone have to do to keep his job these days? Plus, I still have to pick up all of my shit that I left in my desk to include my Ipod, this big bag of organic granola I just bought like two days ago, and my collection of Spiderman comics that I’ve had since I was a kid. If any of my coworkers are listening right now….please leave my shit alone until I have a chance to swing by and pick it up. Please !”
“I pretty surprised by it too,” said Ben E Haha, one of Snowden’s cubicle co-workers at the NSA. “Ed made great coffee. He brought in his expresso machine and used to make the best coffee I’ve ever tasted said HaHa. Until Ed came along, the coffee sucked.”
“It must have been because of that gym bag,” said Snowden’s manager at the NSA, Glady’s Kravitz, who said Snowden used to wear the same gym clothes day after day and bring them to work in a smelly bag stinking up the whole office.
“That’s the only thing I can think of,” said Kravitz. “Other than that, Ed did everything he was supposed to do.”
Snowden said he will most likely sue.
“You give your life to an organization and this is the thanks you get,” said Snowden. “Plus they gave me zero notice. And I had to hear about it on TV. Who knows who else was watching that and now knows I’m out of work. My girlfriend could have been hearing that for christsake. And btw, in case anyone out there is listening to this right now and needs a a decent I.T. guy, I’m available I know how to set up networks as good as anyone. Plus, I can set up your computer so that you can spend as much time on Facebook or Ebay without your boss even knowing about it. Believe me, that’s appealing to most people. So, if you’re interested, I can be reached at Ed.Snowden83@aol.com. Please get in touch w/ me and I’ll send you my resume. Thanks. And fuck the NSA.”