Edward Snowden Fired


Snowden fired

In an unprecedented move of historic proportions, Edward Snowden was fired today from the National Security Agency where he was employed for three months.

“It’s extremely unusual for an employee of Mr. Snowden’s stature, capability, and tenure to be fired,” said former NSA Chief, General Michael Hayden. “It’s both perplexing and disturbing and makes me wonder if the agency, and other government agencies for that matter, will soon just begin firing people indiscriminately.  I can tell you this, that if I was still in charge, Ed would be down the hallway right this minute in his cubicle doing I.T. work and it would be business as usual.”

“Of course I’m stunned,” said Snowden, who was reached at an undisclosed location.  “I was a great and dedicated employee the entire three months I worked at the NSA and I was only late a half dozen times all of which had to do with fucking Honolulu traffic (where Snowden worked and lived) which is getting shittier every day by the way most of which is because of the goddamn construction they’ve been doing forever over on I-78 right over close to where I used to work.  So if you you want to blame it on anything, blame it on the traffic.”

“Anyway, when I heard on the news today that I had been fired I was surprised….and then I was pissed,” added Snowden.  “I mean, what the fuck does someone have to do to keep his job these days?  Plus, I still have to pick up all of my shit that I left in my desk to include my Ipod, this big bag of organic granola I just bought like two days ago, and my collection of Spiderman comics that I’ve had since I was a kid.   If any of my coworkers are listening right now….please leave my shit alone until I have a chance to swing by and pick it up.  Please !”

ed snowden

A despondent Ed Snowden outside of his hotel in an undisclosed location after finding out of his firing from the NSA. “One day you’re working…..the next day you’re not,” said Snowden.

“I pretty surprised by it too,” said Ben E Haha, one of Snowden’s cubicle co-workers at the NSA.  “Ed made great coffee.  He brought in his expresso machine and used to make the best coffee I’ve ever tasted said HaHa.  Until Ed came along, the coffee sucked.”

“It must have been because of that gym bag,” said Snowden’s manager at the NSA, Glady’s Kravitz, who said Snowden used to wear the same gym clothes day after day and bring them to work in a smelly bag stinking up the whole office.


NSA manager Gladys Kravitz reacts to Snowden’s firing

“That’s the only thing I can think of,” said Kravitz.  “Other than that, Ed did everything he was supposed to do.”

Snowden said he will most likely sue.

“You give your life to an organization and this is the thanks you get,” said Snowden.   “Plus they gave me zero notice.  And I had to hear about it on TV.  Who knows who else was watching that and now knows I’m out of work.  My girlfriend could have been hearing that for christsake.  And btw, in case anyone out there is listening to this right now and needs a a decent I.T. guy, I’m available   I know how to set up networks as good as anyone.  Plus, I can set up your computer so that you can spend as much time on Facebook or Ebay without your boss even knowing about it.  Believe me, that’s appealing to most people.  So, if you’re interested, I can be reached at Ed.Snowden83@aol.com.  Please get in touch w/ me and I’ll send you my resume.  Thanks.  And fuck the NSA.”


32 responses to “Edward Snowden Fired

  1. thatsitfortheotherwon

    1. Steal underwear.
    2. ???
    3. Profit!

    Or, Snowden’s business model:

    1. Quit high school and the Army.
    2. ???
    3. Get a job at NSA for $200,000.00/year.

    • Computer nerds are misfits in structured organizations. They see matters differently from their employers–tending towards an open source view of things. There are going to be a lot of surprises as these mostly naive, idealistic, and socially marginalized young men become both indispensable and adversarial to the secret keepers.

      I don’t believe in heroes so you won’t hear me talking about Snowden or anyone else in those terms. But the first thing that the hacks do when someone like Ellsberg comes along is to paint the person as a sniveling coward, a cuckoo, or a traitor. I glad Southpaw didn’t do that. Otherwise, I would have to jump on him!

      • Traitor/coward, no. Dumbshit, yes.

        • Also dumbshit for leaving the pole dancer behind. To me, she seemed like an essential while on the lamb…

          • NO SHIT!!!! Best comment of all. And who in their fucking right mind leaves a 200 K cush job in fucking Honolulu!?!?!….enough to make anyone w/ any brains swallow his or her idealism

            • And that is the fundamental problem. There is a class of people in this country–lawyers, technologists, university professors, corporate middle managers, etc–making just enough money to get them to set aside their idealism and serve the interests of the plutocrats at the expense of 90% of the country.

              • I can assure you….this guy DID NOT leave his job because of a higher calling or idealism. Believe me….as the truth comes out, you too will learn that and, as usual, I’ll be the guy standing over on the other side of the room wearing a tee-shirt saying “I Told You So.”

    • lol. Booted out of Army in 5 months…..5 months!!!…from the U.S. Army!!!! That’s a tough thing to do man. Obviously we picked the wrong career path. If you and I had been booted out of the Air Force after a couple of months we’d be millionaires by now. Of course Ed decided to muck it all up by giving away secrets. Oh well, on his career path this obviously means a promotion.

  2. We better watch out~Big Brother is watching/listening!
    Hey Big Brother FUCK YOU!

  3. Oh, and if they want to ‘drone’ me for speaking my mind, bring it on!

  4. i think snowden put light on our fucked up spying fucking government they want to look for terrorist look at wall street look at cheney look at bush look at rumsfield and that whole fucken bunch leave me the fuck alone till i give reason to be spied on kick the ss out of america when will the sequester hit the military complex and the corporate masters . will obama ever learn pukes and t baggers are not his friend and never will be no matter how much he sides with them .

  5. Here is the problem: the surveillance that we hope was designed to focus on terrorists is also used to focus on reform-minded peaceable organizations like the Occupy movement. US security organizations have a long history of intimidating non-violent dissident groups. These initimidation tactics have been used not only on socialist political groups but also on civil rights groups, anti-war protesters, environmentalists, feminists. The lists goes on.

    We are at the beginning of a mini-revolution in this country–much like the one that took place in the 1930’s. And going into this revolution, we have a state security apparatus unlike nothing in history, that is staffed with independent contractors who serve the very corporate interests that are going to be challenged during this new era of citizen mobilization.

    Snowden is naive beyond belief. Praising Russia, for heavens sakes! But all reform movements are fueled by the naivete of the young. We all need to be a part of this. Young people, with their terrible judgment, should not be in this fight alone. Southpaw, you have a gift. Your gift is calling people out on their bullsh*t in vignettes and stories better than anyone else I know. I hope to see you writing more. Stories change the world. For too long, citizens have been brainwashed with the mythologies and narratives of the economic elite. It is time for a change in the narrative.

  6. Great post. And I agree – I don’t think he’s doing this out of principle – I think he’s an opportunist, through and through. But naive as hell. Russia? And now, rumor has it, he’s looking to Ecuador? And leaving a 200K job in Hawaii? That strikes me as insane.

    Moreover, all of this praise heaped on Snowden by libertarians and the handwringing over Big Gov’t — where the hell were they when state governors and legislatures started to REQUIRE ultrasound testing on women?

  7. btw, southpaw, I tried to open up your site on my work computer. It wouldn’t let me. It (Trend Micro Security) said the “Risk level” was “dangerous” -and thus, “The Web site is verified to be fraudulent or a known source of threats.”

    Can you fucking believe that?????!!!

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