For the forty percent of you Americans who think Jesus will return by 2050, Governor Rick Perry of Texas has some terrible news for you. Jesus already came…and Texas mistakenly executed him.
Until last week, Governor Perry was fiercely proud of his record as the governor with the greatest number of executions. “Two hundred fifty-three is a kill number I could write home about…until I found out that one of those was Jesus. Now I can only write home about 252,” said a contrite Governor Perry.
“But you already knew the guy you executed was Jesus. It said on the warrant that that was his name,” I countered.
“Yeah, but that Jesus looked like a Mexican. He had black hair and black eyes. How was I supposed to know that Mexican-looking guy was the real Jesus? The real Jesus had blue eyes, for Christ’s sake.”
“Er…Jesus almost certainly did not have blue eyes. He was a Jew. He had dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair, just like Middle Eastern Jews today.”
“Governor, can you tell us what Jesus was executed for?”
“What was Jesus executed for? What is anybody executed for? Murder. Or taking part in a felony where somebody got killed.”
“Yes, but what was it exactly that Jesus did?”
“He went into this church in Lubbock that was having a God, Guns, and the Gospel Celebration and he got all agitated and started turning over Christian Book Fair tables where they were selling this terrific book called, The Persecution of Sarah Palin. He started saying filthy things like, God damn America! and the next thing you know, somebody pulled out a gun to try and stop him and the youth minister BJ got accidentally shot in the chest. It was a terrible terrible tragedy. And would never have happened if ….”
“BJ would not have been shot if Jesus had not lost his temper and started turning over tables?”
“Damn right. Jesus had no business getting pissy with good church-going people in Lubbock. He should have been smiting the feminists and homos. If he had kept his eyes blue and focused on doing the Lord’s work there wouldn’t have been a mix-up.”
“I see. So what exactly was the felony you pinned on Jesus?”
“There has to be an underlying felony conviction in a felony murder case. What was the felony?”
“Oh. Interfering with a person’s right to bear arms. And malicious slander of a Christian. He said a few things about BJ that were not very nice.”
“Those aren’t the sorts of offenses that give rise to felony murder! It has to be something like rape or kidnapping!”
“Well, he could have appealed the conviction if he had wanted to.”
“He didn’t fight what was clearly an unlawful conviction?”
“Naw, he kept saying that he was sick of sacrificing himself for morons and he just wanted to go the f*ck home. He said God needed to find another patsy ’cause he was f*cking done.”
“Those words didn’t give you a hint that he was Jesus? He as much as told you who he was and you killed him, man. You must feel terrible.”
“Yeah maybe, but, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing I am forgiven.”
“I’ve got news for you, Governor. Jesus is done with us. Forgiven doesn’t mean squat now. We are on our own.”