The Vatican’s Stunning Choice


Pope Feces

The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope  instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.

‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.  

Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old  Donald O’Conner movies of the 50’s.


“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.

Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.

“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. “The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”

“That sounds impossible.  How do you expect to do that?” I asked.

“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained.  “Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year.  Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse.  Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year.  Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”

Ration card sample

Sex abuse ration card sample

Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.

After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby “Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill”  for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.

“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov.  “Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off.   I mean, the guy’s had a long day.  But tomorrow  he’ll be ready to do the business of the  one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”



17 responses to “The Vatican’s Stunning Choice

  1. thatsitfortheotherwon

    I’m just as shocked as you! Whoda thunkit?

  2. Well, at 76, I guess they aren’t really thinking in the long term…

  3. Thank Dog I’m an Atheist!!

  4. On another note, I remember taking my elderly Mother to see pope John back in 1987 or 86 at Laguna Seca Raceway in Monterey, California.
    Now by then I was a staunch Atheist, BUT my Beloved Mother was a faithful catholic, and she was unable to go on her own. I loved my Mother and I would do just about anything for her, including suffering though a bullshit mass (I think she privately believed that if I went, I would somehow be “saved”).
    She actually “swooned” when she saw him! Everyone was “swooning”!
    I had already had the ‘talk’ with her regarding my beliefs, and of course she informed me that even though she would always love me, I was going to burn in hell! I again explained to her that I didn’t believe in hell. We both just shook our heads and agreed to disagree.
    The difference between these so called religious folks and me, is I don’t force my beliefs on them!
    Oh well, whatever floats your boat..

  5. Hi southpaw are these cards tax deductible, I want to know so I can get some for the Catholic priest here in Barbados,I think the pope forgot them and since income tax time is here, I thought i would do an act of kindness by getting each of them one!
    Do you this will work, so that I can get into heaven?!!

  6. oops! sorry do you think this will work
    so that I can get into heaven?!!

  7. By the way, today is my birthday so if i make mistakes forgive me. I am half way to drunk going on to full in the next few hours, out here is VERY hot so I have to drink to hydrate myself[ good excuse huh!]I think i will try this with my boss one of these days!

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