The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.
‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.
Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old Donald O’Conner movies of the 50’s.
“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.
Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.
“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. “The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”
“That sounds impossible. How do you expect to do that?” I asked.
“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained. “Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year. Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse. Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year. Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”
Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.
After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby “Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill” for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.
“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov. “Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off. I mean, the guy’s had a long day. But tomorrow he’ll be ready to do the business of the one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”