The Shape of Things Now

by gordita


Paco the dog chews on foot before shape-shifting into something else

Hold onto your britches. With the help of my anonymous source, “Virgil” (whose spoke to me on condition that his true identity remain confidential), I have just uncovered the scoop of the decade: Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul, aka The Three, are not who they say they are. In fact, they are unlike anything you have ever imagined.

“They are shape-shifters,” says Virgil.

“Shape shifters! Can you explain what a shape-shifter is, exactly?”

“Well, in olden times,” explains Virgil, “people often changed shape to have sex…like when Zeus who took the form of a swan to get it on with Leda.”

“Ughhh. Are you going to tell me The Three change shape so they can get some action from unsuspecting women?”

“No, gordita. Sex isn’t the only reason for shape-shifting.”

“What are the other reasons?”

“Well…one key reason is artistic–the impulse to thematically connect a person’s identity with his true inner nature.”


“Have you ever heard of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales?”

I scratch my head. If I say, no, will Virgil think I am an idiot? I wonder.

“In Tanglewood Tales,” says Virgil, “Hawthorne retells the story of Circe but in Hawthorne’s version, instead of transforming all of Odysseus’ crew into swine, Circe transforms each of the men into the animal he most resembles.”

“Interesting. So are you saying that Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are all in the process of transforming into animals that they most resemble?”

“Oh ho, gordita! You have it exactly backwards! What is happening is that The Three are animals who have transformed themselves into the Senators they most resemble!”

“Er….what animal did each of them used to be?”

“Well, Senator Cruz used to be this ….”

Rafael the cat

Rafael the cat

“… but his cat identity was not nearly pussy enough so he reinvented himself as this.”


Ted “Pussy Face” Cruz

“Rafael the cat chose specifically to be Senator Ted Cruz?”

“Yep. Rafael could have been anybody, gordita. But Senator Cruz was the ideal personification of who he truly was.”

“A pussy face….”

“A real, honest to goodness pussy face. And a mean one at that. The meanest ever.”

“What about Lindsey Graham?”

“This guy?”


Mister Toad

“Lindsey Graham was Mr. Toad?!?!?!?”

“Yes, but as a toad, he was just not toady enough. So he became Senator Graham.”

“Okay, Virgil. I am getting the idea. So wait a minute…don’ tell me yet what animal Rand Paul was. Let me guess.”


“Was he this?”


Vicious hyena


“This maybe?”


Rabid weasel


“How about this?”



“What was he then?”

“Do you see Paco the dog at the top of this blog post?”

“Whoa!!! He’s hideous! As a senator, he represents the hideous Tea Party. Is that the thematic connection?

“No, gordita. Not everything is as complicated as you make it out to be. Rand Paul is simply a malevolent, mangy, wire-haired cur.”

“Hmmmm. I have one more question before we finish this interview.”


“Whenever we see The Three, Kelly Ayotte always seems to be nearby. Is Kelly Ayotte a shape-shifter too?”

“Yeah, she’s a shape-shifter all right–the best there has ever been.”

“Who or what was she before she became Senator Ayotte?”

“Take a guess.”



4 responses to “The Shape of Things Now

  1. thanks for the laugh the three make me sick all pukes make me sick cant stand to listen to them lie lie lie , and their stupid fucking leaders like limp baw the druggie ,fox make believe news , meet the ( pukes ) press on sunday, and the ass kisser`s that parade them around and give life to those bastards .they all should go back under the ground where less harm can be done.

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