Scalia Considers Forming Charity Called Goats.Org

by gordita

As gay marriage becomes increasingly accepted by Americans, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has experienced a profound and unsettling loosening of his moral prohibitions.


Speaking to students at John Marshall School of Law, Scalia revealed that same-sex marriage has caused him to doubt that there is any such thing as “right” and “wrong.”

“There are all sorts of things I have wanted to do for a long time…things I used to think were categorically wrong. But not any more. Now I keep thinking I would like to stick a deer knife in Sotomayor’s belly and and for the life of me, I can’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t.”


Sitting in the audience, I raise my hand. “Um, Justice Scalia,” I venture, “my name is gordita. Could you please elaborate further on your implicit argument that there is no moral difference between the love that gay people have for each other and the cruel and depraved act of a murder?”

“Nothing is off limits in a world that recognizes gay love, gordita. Nothing.”

“It seems to me, Justice Scalia, that you are using reductio ad absurdum and taking it to absurd lengths. Surely you see that there is a difference between something like marriage which produces happiness and something like murder which produces suffering.”

“God suffers when humans violate his laws. Whether it’s gay marriage or murder, God suffers the same.”

“Ahh.  I get it.  You are the divine scourge…the wrath of God upon the world.”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I  am.”

“Which is why you gave us Bush as a president.”



“And why you have done your best to hand our elections over to the highest bidder.”



Going once…going twice

“And why you ruled against Lilly Ledbetter.”



“And why you aspire to being the cruelest Supreme Court Justice in the history of the United States.”



I love the taste of cruelty

“So let me ask you something, Justice Scalia.”


“Why shouldn’t we impeach you?”

“On what ground, you silly cow?”

“On the ground that God has scourged enough. On the ground that our human failings cause enough suffering without an additional overlay of divine (in)justice. On the ground that all love is imperfect but we strive for it anyway because the alternative is misery and barbarism.”

“So you think love is something we can use, rather than God’s laws, to demarcate moral boundaries?”

“Yes, I do.”

“If what you are saying about love is true, what would keep me from setting up an escort service with goats and sheep? You know…as companions for a love-filled weekend? Or how about we set up a charity called where people can buy love goats for lonely men in third world countries?”

“What is missing in your moral sense that makes it impossible for you to tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual acts, Justice Scalia? How does consensual gay sex give you the right to rape an animal?” gives animals to poor people to be eaten. The animal has no say in it. If you’re okay with that you should be okay with”

The gift of a sheep to help stop world hunger

Outside of Scalia’s universe, the gift of a sheep helps stop world hunger

“Maybe for consistency, we should strive to be vegetarians, Your Honor. But putting that aside, you have just used reason to negate a deeply-felt, universally-appreciated moral distinction between consensual acts of love and non-consensual acts of violence. Why would you want to use your powers of rational thought for such a destructive purpose?”



Justice Scalia…speaking truth to power…his power

“Spoken like a man whose desire for control knows no bounds.”

“Judicial restraint died with traditional marriage. Now I’m the king of the whole world. You hear that? THE KING OF THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.”

“I gathered as much from Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.”

“Then fucking get over it.”

[Editor’s Note: If you do not already know about Heifer International, give it a look. It’s a wonderful charity based on the principal of “Give not a cup, but a cow.”]


One response to “Scalia Considers Forming Charity Called Goats.Org

  1. Gordita thank you for giving such wonderful interview . How did you keep from throwing up facing such a no good slime bag an d then have to listen to his sick thoughts i commend you .

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