Senate Minority Leader Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky today vowed to make President Obama a two-term President.
“If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I will see to it with all my power that I make this illegitimate, non-American, half-breed, obscenity of a man a two-term President,” a resolute McConnell told a group of reporters who were gathered in the Capitol Rotunda.
“Let me repeat, making Obama a two-term President is my single most important political goal.”
When reminded that the President, or any President, is constitutionally limited to two terms anyway, McConnell brushed off the reminder.
“Well, the Constitution is a big document that not all of us have had a chance to read word for word,” he said.
“That’s true Senator McConnell,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of ABC News. “But besides your top priority, what else, if anything, are your political goals besides striving to stay the single ugliest, most lizard-like, pedophile-looking, sack of ape shit in the U.S. Senate?”
“Nothing…those are my two goals.”
“You are aware, Senator, that your 20-year reign of ugliest, chinless, fish-eyed, reptilian sack of shit may be severely compromised by Senator-elect Ted Cruz of Texas, correct Senator? reminded Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent for NBC News.
“I am aware of that,” acknowledged McConnell. “But no matter how pasty-white, butt-ugly and pedophile-looking Cruz may be, he will never be able to touch me once I deck out in my relatively famous red, white, and blue spandex thong.”
“Yes Senator…he may not be able to touch YOU…but will YOU be touching him much like you have improperly touched many a Republican freshman Senator before him?” asked CNN’S Wolf Blitzer.
“Yes, of course ….it’s part of my personal indoctrination to the U.S. Senate,” said McConnell.
“Does that include fucking Ted Cruz up the ass Senator?” asked Martha Raditz of ABC News.
“If that’s what it takes to get Cruz in line with my rigid, uncompromising, and obstructionist position in my effort to try and bring the country down because of its election of a black man as President, than of course I’ll do that and much more,” said McConnell.
“A reach-around Senator?” asked Blitzer.
“Whatever it takes.”
“Well Senator, from what I’ve seen thus far of Ted Cruz, I suspect he will be a most willing participant,” said Chuck Todd.
“That’s what I’m hoping for and that’s what I expect,” said McConnell.
And with that, McConnell retreated to his opulent Senate office where he commenced rubbing off to a recent picture of Ted Cruz.