Todd Akin Loves God, his Family…and Life’s Simple Pleasures

By all calculations….he’s just a good man….and what more does one have to be?

Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for Senate from the  “Show-Me” state of Missouri wants to show YOU what a great guy he is and figures the best way to do that is to talk about his love for God, his family, shopping at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night, the Bible, child porn, and urine geysers.

“I’m a simple guy who loves simple things like going to church on Sunday followed by a big dinner with the family and then some private time with just me, my laptop, and about 50 gig of some of the best Malaysian child porn money can buy,” Akin said.

“When you say money can buy, are you suggesting that campaign funds paid for your child porn?”

“Of course not,” said Akin.  “I used private donations for all of it.”

“Well I guess uh…hmmm….  So has watching kiddie porn helped your campaign?”

“Of course. …it gives me a chance to rehearse my Mr. One-Eyed Trouser Snake hand-puppet act.”

“Pardon me?” I said somewhat taken aback…not just by the lewd “hand-puppet” comment…but also by Akin’s chiseled grinning pussy face to include a  seemingly perfect comb-over.

The perfect comb-over

Akin with his family in this Norman Rockwell painting….just before he heads off to his private quarters with a laptop full of kiddie porn

“Being a candidate for Senate can be very stressful….especially after all the controversy I’ve endured from the witch hunt liberals have launched against me.”

Akin is, of course, referring to his well publicized comments about “legitimate rape.”

“I find one of the best ways for me to unwind and just put it all behind me after a long week is a refreshing golden shower,” he added.

“Really? You find being pissed on REFRESHING?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I’ve been doing it since I was a sophomore at Liberty University when it was introduced to me by the late, great Jerry Falwell himself. Have you ever tried it….cause if you haven’t you should.  And the Bible is okay with it so I’m okay with it.”

Golden Showers Guru

“Huh? Are you saying the Bible talks about golden showers?”

“Sure….it’s in there…Deuteronomy I think….or maybe it’s Leviticus…I’m not sure….but I know it’s in there…and I know a good golden shower helps me to unwind just like it helped Jesus to unwind after a long week with a good old fashioned circle jerk with his disciples followed by a refreshing golden shower usually from Peter.”

“I must have missed that part. It’s been a long time since I picked up a Bible…but I can’t for the life of me remember reading about circle jerks and golden showers.  Are your sure this isn’t a product of your own perverse Republican mind?”

Jesus dug water sports with his disciples….but not this kind

“It’s in there,” Akin insisted.  “And only a non-believing, anti-christian like you would doubt it.”

“So you enjoy reading the Bible?….cause most people I know consider it to be a fucking piece of shit, mind numbingly boring, and generally the worst read in history.”

“I love reading my Bible and I don’t consider it boring,” insisted Akin.  “About 75 percent of my reading time is devoted to it.”

“What about the rest of your reading time?” I asked.

“Oh I enjoy reading many books….especially about people I admire.  For instance, I’m just finishing up a biography on Ed Gein who was probably one of the most misunderstood men of his time.”

Family man and good christian in the mind of Todd Aiken. “A christian man should not be judged by his deeds,” said Aiken philosophically.

“Wasn’t Ed Gein a serial killer, a cannibal, and a necrophiliac?”

“Yes but he was also a good family man and christian and he who has not sinned should cast the first stone,” said Akin taking up for Gein.

“Does your admiration for Ed Gein have anything to do with the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to him?”

“No one has ever told me that before but I appreciate it. ”

“Well, I wish you the best of luck in your campaign for U.S. Senate from Missouri.  Given your profile that you’ve described to me today I think your potential to be a great Republican leader is unlimited.”

“Thank you and may God bless you.”


12 responses to “Todd Akin Loves God, his Family…and Life’s Simple Pleasures

  1. Demented and Santorius’ have forgiven Ache-in’s stupidity and endorse him now. Was it a christian thing? Every GOP said “GET OUT”, but Ache-in had nowhere to go. Even he was taken offguard by his own stupidity. He thought everyone knew about the birth-control methodology of legitimate rape. He didn’t realize he wasn’t at liberty to reveal this bagger “secret”.

    Santorius is still unemployed (not even good enough to be a lobbyist) and Demented is set to retire in 2016 when his senate seat is up. (Remember that? Alvin Greene ran against Demented in 2010. Former military man living unemployed with his dad when he launched his campaign. He was the perfect set up for failure. And Demented won by a margin of 62-28%.)

    These two asswipes had to endorse Ache-in yesterday. Party Loyalty? Hail Mary pass? Nah. Just their way of getting their names in the headlines in a self-serving moment of ego which once again fulfills the prophecy that republicans know how to shoot themselves in the foot every time they see an opportunity to grandstand, like no other. The “Look, I can endorse a shithead – I am all powerful” theory.

    Olympia Snowe knew what she was doing when she retired this year.

  2. “’Look, I can endorse a shithead – I am all powerful’ theory.”

    Along with Southpaw, you are the most astute person I have ever read regarding the psychology of this generation of Republican leaders. I think the key to both your analyses is that you dare to assume the absolute worst about them.

    • I assume and expect the very worst from the GOP…and they’ve never let me down.

      God it’s great to see that av of yours. I’ve missed it enormously. Check out Wall Street’s av on hp….he’s got the old one back up: Bush with mickeymouse ears. Love it!

  3. To bad his mother/sister didn’t abort him!


  4. I have to say, this is excellent:

  5. Oh my God that was funny. The tell tale bottle of Jurgens next to the keyboard shoud have been the first clue…

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