By all calculations….he’s just a good man….and what more does one have to be?
Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for Senate from the “Show-Me” state of Missouri wants to show YOU what a great guy he is and figures the best way to do that is to talk about his love for God, his family, shopping at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night, the Bible, child porn, and urine geysers.
“I’m a simple guy who loves simple things like going to church on Sunday followed by a big dinner with the family and then some private time with just me, my laptop, and about 50 gig of some of the best Malaysian child porn money can buy,” Akin said.
“When you say money can buy, are you suggesting that campaign funds paid for your child porn?”
“Of course not,” said Akin. “I used private donations for all of it.”
“Well I guess uh…hmmm…. So has watching kiddie porn helped your campaign?”
“Of course. …it gives me a chance to rehearse my Mr. One-Eyed Trouser Snake hand-puppet act.”
“Pardon me?” I said somewhat taken aback…not just by the lewd “hand-puppet” comment…but also by Akin’s chiseled grinning pussy face to include a seemingly perfect comb-over.
“Being a candidate for Senate can be very stressful….especially after all the controversy I’ve endured from the witch hunt liberals have launched against me.”
Akin is, of course, referring to his well publicized comments about “legitimate rape.”
“I find one of the best ways for me to unwind and just put it all behind me after a long week is a refreshing golden shower,” he added.
“Really? You find being pissed on REFRESHING?” I asked.
“Of course. I’ve been doing it since I was a sophomore at Liberty University when it was introduced to me by the late, great Jerry Falwell himself. Have you ever tried it….cause if you haven’t you should. And the Bible is okay with it so I’m okay with it.”
“Huh? Are you saying the Bible talks about golden showers?”
“Sure….it’s in there…Deuteronomy I think….or maybe it’s Leviticus…I’m not sure….but I know it’s in there…and I know a good golden shower helps me to unwind just like it helped Jesus to unwind after a long week with a good old fashioned circle jerk with his disciples followed by a refreshing golden shower usually from Peter.”
“I must have missed that part. It’s been a long time since I picked up a Bible…but I can’t for the life of me remember reading about circle jerks and golden showers. Are your sure this isn’t a product of your own perverse Republican mind?”
“It’s in there,” Akin insisted. “And only a non-believing, anti-christian like you would doubt it.”
“So you enjoy reading the Bible?….cause most people I know consider it to be a fucking piece of shit, mind numbingly boring, and generally the worst read in history.”
“I love reading my Bible and I don’t consider it boring,” insisted Akin. “About 75 percent of my reading time is devoted to it.”
“What about the rest of your reading time?” I asked.
“Oh I enjoy reading many books….especially about people I admire. For instance, I’m just finishing up a biography on Ed Gein who was probably one of the most misunderstood men of his time.”
“Wasn’t Ed Gein a serial killer, a cannibal, and a necrophiliac?”
“Yes but he was also a good family man and christian and he who has not sinned should cast the first stone,” said Akin taking up for Gein.
“Does your admiration for Ed Gein have anything to do with the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to him?”
“No one has ever told me that before but I appreciate it. ”
“Well, I wish you the best of luck in your campaign for U.S. Senate from Missouri. Given your profile that you’ve described to me today I think your potential to be a great Republican leader is unlimited.”
“Thank you and may God bless you.”