Mitt Romney’s Psychotherapy….Televised

A sensitive and traumatized Romney

Hoping to jump start Romney’s floundering campaign by showing Americans his sensitive, compassionate, and vulnerable side, Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s campaign managers decided it was time for him to seek psychiatric counseling…before a live television audience.

TV audience watches as Governor Romney prepares for psychoanalysis

His campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, said Governor Romney decided to seek help from famous Russian psychiatrist, Ivan Kutchakokov, whose specialty is working with the wealthy elite who want to better relate to the inferior classes in order to exploit them for personal gain.  Dr. Kutchakokov has helped the rich and famous for more than 30 years including Donald Trump (with his fake bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), John McCain (with his phony mood disorder), and Newt Gingrich (with his very real  Encopresis (involuntarily shitting his pants)).

Dr. Ivan Kutchakokov getting a whiff of Newt’s underwear

“So what brings you here to see me today Governor Romney?”

“Well doctor…I’d like to start out by saying it’s not easy for me to be here today.”

“Why is that?”

“Because my image is that of a self-made man and someone who doesn’t have any weaknesses or vulnerabilities like common, inferior Americans.  But, despite the fact that I have superior genes and come from a superior class of people, I too have had things happen to me which have left me deeply traumatized….psychologically.”

“Such as?”

“Well….I have trouble talking about this.”

“Governor Romney…what you say here stays here.”

“There was once….when I was about 15….((sniff))….”

“Can I offer you some Kleenex?”

“Yes…thank you ((sniffle)).  Anyhow, I once came home with only 15 million in earnings for the month as a junior hedge fund intern compared to my usual 17.5 million at one of my father’s companies…..and Father CUT BACK MY POLO PRACTICES FROM FOUR TIMES A WEEK TO THREE FOR A FULL WEEK!! (((SOB)))!”

Young Romney during happier times before Father’s “polo punishment”

“And what are you feeling right now?”

“Angst….horror…..pain….anger….and just the slightest difficulty breathing.”

“What else can you tell me about your past Mitt….uh, can I call you Mitt?”

“No, I would prefer you call me Governor….or Governor Romney.”

“What else Governor Romney?”

“When I was 17, Father and Mother punished me horribly…..and to this day it’s difficult to talk about….

“Again, you’re in a safe place.   Take your time.”

“Well, Father always told me that I should be proud of my superior genes and my family superiority.  So all I was doing was exercising the superiority that Father told me about when I gave some homosexual-acting art student named Sidney a super wedgie in gym class and then hung him to the rafters by his underwear while everyone laughed.”

“So you were punished because of the injustice of bullying the weak and defenseless?”

“No, I was punished because the queer theater instructor who stuck by all the queers like Sidney told the Principal who called my father.”

“And what did your father do?”


“So, how did that make you feel?”

“I felt GREAT about what I did to Sidney….but what Father did to me was devastating.”

“So, this punishment….this punishment you feel was unjustified because it was your first offense?”

“No… wasn’t my first offense.  It was my 158th offense.  But I felt the punishment was inconsistent with the privileged status that Father always taught me was mine to use as I pleased.”

“Your father was angry because you abused this privilege?”

“No, he was angry because I got caught.”

“And what did these experiences in your childhood and adolescence do to you?”

“It made me feel traumatized–a fact which should make me appear more human and more vulnerable to the people whose support I need and whom I hope to buffalo into believing that my own horrible adversity in my own life equals theirs so that they better relate to me and would want to have a beer with me, even thought I don’t drink beer, and would vote for me.”

“Well Governor….I definitely believe I can help you.  I’d like to start out meeting you three times a week for eight weeks.”

“What’s wrong with me doctor?”

“Governor….I believe you have a serious case of Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome for which there is no real cure but with the right kind of therapy we can help you prevent any further and deeper insertion that could lead to eventual suffocation.”

Governor Romney….your problem is obvious

“Thank you doctor.”


13 responses to “Mitt Romney’s Psychotherapy….Televised

  1. Imagine the cognitive pain involved in debasing yourself for the votes of people you despise. Romney hates his own working-class base so much that he conflates them with Obama’s constituency. I hope you will keep us posted as Romney’s therapy progresses. Maybe he will have a gut wrenching breakthrough. Maybe, as a result, he will kick up his heels and become a sh*t-faced libertine. Maybe he will give all his money to the poor as Jesus advises and tell Ann she had better pray that Obamacare and Medicare are not abolished. Or maybe he will stay as he is and just plain suffocate.

    • I’m liking your “cognitive pain” theory, G. There is so much about Mitt that resonates what his early years must have been like to induce such behaviors as have been reliably retold: the chasing with scissors episode and the wearing of a police uniform and approaching female co-eds never revealing that he was “pranking”. His placing his beloved pet on the roof of his car for a six hour trip to Canada was just a another plea for help.

      But the enablers in his life will never offer the intervention he requires. They pass the buck and perhaps think his gaining the oval office will finally offer a real doctor to treat his ails. I don’t think so.

      Chronic pain can reveal itself via ‘psychosocial variables’, such as mood, stress (as noted by depression scores and anxiety levels) and the social situation in which the pain occurs with no physical evidence appearing in extensive testing.

      I think Mitt has many psychosocial variables he needs to deal with. And I’d prefer he do so in the privacy of his unemployed life with his enablers, as the polls are suggesting he shall in fact have to do.

      (Good see you, G. XOXO)

      • Well said my friend. As far as the election is concerned, I think it’s all over but the shouting…..and I’m glad. I can’t afford having my nerves spent up to the last day as in 2008. Now it’s just a matter of people not assuming it’s in the bag and not showing up to vote.

  2. In America, having lots of money is the same as having a great big dick. Mitt’s, as everyone knows, is huge. Whatever Southpaw’s impecunious dick might be in terms of actual inches, in my book it is as tiny as a hummingbird’s. So shut the freak up, Southpaw. You don’t count.

  3. Great as usual, he does look like he has a stick up his ass!

  4. ROFL!!!!! And such an appropriate ending.
    Everything that asshole opens his mouth, he loses more votes. I’m actually feeling more hopeful about this election — and the senate races are looking favorable, also too.
    Hope all is well in southpawbeagle land!

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